History Funny / MassEffect

* Speaking of [[spoiler: Garrus]], his romance arc with female Shepard produces this gem after [[spoiler:Shepard and he discuss when they should attempt to have sex]].

--->[[spoiler '''Garrus''']]: I've never considered cross-species intercourse before. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help. Now I feel all dirty and clinical.
** ...and a bit later:
--->[[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible [[BuffySpeak interspecies awkwardness thing]]...in which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so you know, a win either way.

-->'''Shepard:''' [scoffs] You? I said a badass, not a scout sitting there whining like a quarian with a bellyache!

** Once the scout leaves -- with Shepard riling him up to go to the female camp, no less -- Tali grudgingly admits that it worked very well.

--->'''Liara''': (inside the base) ''More'' of them? How many guards does the Shadow Broker have?

*** What, no mention of the fact that Grunt reads ''Hemingway''? And has bought a Krogan Battlemaster Action Figure "with real smash your enemies actions"?

--> '''Wrex:''' *''without missing a beat''* Of course. You're with Shepard. How could he be alive?

** Beating up the Turian is even funnier if it's done by [=FemShep=] in the cocktail dress from Kasumi's loyalty mission.

** Similarly, bringing Legion with you to recruit Tali gives us this this gem: Tali: "Shepard, it's good to see you agai-" (turns around and sees Legion. Gasps and draws her gun.) "Geth! Get down!" A Paragon interrupt prompt appears. If ignored, Tali will start firing, prompting Legion to take cover. Legion: "Allied fire! Taking cover! Requesting assistance, Shepard-Commander!"

* If you walk into the opposite-sex bathroom on the ''Normandy'':
-->'''EDI''' (to, for sake of example, a Mr. Shepard): Shepard, the men's restroom is on the ''port'' side of the ship.

* During Jack's introductory scene, if you have Grunt with you, all he says when he sees Jack tear through the guards and the walls is "Jack is small, this will be funny," and later "Oh, I want to see this!" and "Move! I want to see how long she'll last," and "She's blowing everything up. I like her!" when pursuing her. It's his kid-in-a-candy-store tone that seals the deal on the funny.

--> Why not take him with us? Prop him us as a lamp. I ain't carrying shit though.

-->'''Shepard:''' [[spoiler: I am ''not'' screwing Garrus.]]

--> '''Miranda''' ''[making a great show of looking down at Wilson's dead body]:'' Not anymore.

* A possible combo with AscendedMeme, but a chef in the lowest portion of the Citadel states: "Ever had ramen? It's a delicacy on back Earth!"

* On Illium there's a "bachelor party" you can overhear, with an asari stripper paid to dance on the tabletop for a salarian who vainly tries to explain why his race's customs are somewhat different. He is slowly...convinced by the dancer's skills.
** "We've been coworkers for five years. Aren't salarian years like dog years?" "Alright, now that's offensive!" As well as: "It's called a belly button, humans and asari have them, and you're gonna be be doing shots out of it later tonight." "That can't be sanitary." "NOT THE POINT, man!"

* After [[spoiler:destroying the Collector's base]] Shepard indulge him/herself and flip off [[spoiler:the Illusive Man]]:

* "I've had enough of your snide insinuations." ['''[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]''']

-->'''Wrex:''' .....why not?

* "I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions." '''[[RunningGag SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]''']

** The most striking video clip is something nobody saw coming. Despite her obvious pro-human/xenophobic stance on everything in life [[{{Hypocrite}} she is shown having a brief make-out session with an Asari lover]].

-->'''Mercenaries''': "Help!" "Hold your breath!" "I can't swim!"

* The cutscene before [[spoiler:Legion]]'s personal mission. As the 'Normandy' approaches a [[spoiler:geth]] space station, Joker tells [[spoiler:Legion]] that anyone on the station could "just look out a window and see us coming." [[spoiler:Legion]] gives Joker a MathematiciansAnswer, explaining that [[spoiler:geth]] do not use windows because they're structural weaknesses, and proceeds to set the coordinates for the landing zone. Joker mocks [[spoiler:Legion]] by making exaggerated robotic movements, and right on cue, Shepard walks up and catches him in the act. Joker pauses, rolls his eyes, and gets back to work.

-->'''Garrus''': (laughs) Damn that hurts, my face is ''barely'' holding together as it is. It's just as well, everyone was always ignoring ''you'' and hitting on ''me''. At least now this gives you a fair shot.

* When you first board the [[spoiler:new]] 'Normandy', hang around the forward bridge next to Joker before you talk to him. If you wait long enough, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObVxYYB0knA epic]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlqdQeocsjg lulz]] [[HilarityEnsues ensue]].

-->'''Mordin''': [[YouKeepUsingThatWord "Inflammable! Or flammable, forget which. Doesn't matter!"]]

-->'''Kasumi:''' 'It's a plant!'

* Kasumi on Grunt's recruitment quest, if you meet Rana Thanoptis, she comments, "She seems nice... in a mad scientist ethics-for-sale kind of way."

* The quarian in the bar on Illium discussing her suit's built-in "nerve-stimulation program" with her turian friend. She's about to fire it up -- in public -- when she catches Shepard eavesdropping.

* On discovering the nature of Grunt's illness:

** Thane says "Fascinating" is possibly the most bored sounding voice ever heard by sentient life.

-->'''Grunt:''' Your job is aweful.

-->'''Grunt:''' ''(upon seeing the Geth Colossus, with unbridled joy)'' '''THIS''' is why I follow you, Shepard! '''''BIG THINGS!'''''

-->'''Thane''': ....do you ever wonder where they go?

* Pretty much any overheard conversation or advertisement in [=ME2=].

* A possible combo with AscendedMeme, but a chef in the lowest portion of the Citadel in [=ME2=] states: "Ever had ramen? It's a delicacy on back Earth!"

*** In a proper Japanese restaurant, ramen passes for a delicacy- nothing instant.

** And of course [=FemShep=] can provide us with this.

* Speaking of [[spoiler: Garrus]], his romance arc with Female Shepard produces this gem after [[spoiler:Shepard and he discuss when they should attempt to have sex.]]

-->[[spoiler:'''Garrus''']]: Wait... that metaphor [[ThatCameOutWrong just went somewhere horrible.]]

-->'''Warden Kuril:''' Bounty hunters aren't dependable

* [[spoiler: [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CRPScZ-FOI Legion dancing.]]]] That is all.

-->'''Hawthorne:''' "Chef's Surprise again? Come on, Rupert!"
-->'''Chef:''' "Well, I'm so sorry, ''princess''. Filet mignon and caviar coming right up. Let me just get out my doilies!"
-->'''Hawthorne:''' "That'd be reeeeeeeal nice, Mr. Gardner."

--->'''Shepard:''' "So, the man cleaning the toilets is also preparing the meals?"
--->'''Chef:''' "Hey, I wash my hands...most of the time. This ain't no luxury liner, you have to pull your own weight on a Cerberus vessel, and I just catch what falls through the cracks. Heh, [[IncrediblyLamePun through the cracks.]]"

** Beating up the Turian is even more funnier if it's done by [=FemShep=] in the cocktail dress from Kasumi's loyalty mission.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6el8a5UoMIY Kal'Reegar's delivery]] upon meeting Legion in Haestrom is hilarious.

--> '''EDI''': "There are several breeding requests for Grunt. And one protest."
--> '''Grunt''': "Book the protester! And her sister if she has one!"

---> '''EDI''': "In addition, killing the Thresher Maw has produced several breeding requests for Grunt. And one for Shepard."
---> '''Grunt''': "Ha!"

* During Jack's introductory scene, if you have Grunt with you all he says when he sees Jack tear through the guards and the walls is "Jack is small, this will be funny" and later "Oh, I want to see this!" and "Move! I want to see how long she'll last" and "She's blowing everything up. I like her!" when pursuing her. It's his kid-in-a-candy-store tone that seals the deal on the funny.

-->Trapped inside a Reaper. Could be worse. Don't know how, but... I guess it could be full of rats.

* The way Thane kills Nassana Dantius is simply hilarious to behold. As Nassana is still drawing her last breath Thane hugs her, lays her down oh so gently, and then just as gently lays her hands on her chest.

* The cutscene before [[spoiler:Legion]]'s personal mission in ''Mass Effect 2''. As the ''Normandy'' approaches a [[spoiler:geth]] space station, Joker tells [[spoiler:Legion]] that anyone on the station could "just look out a window and see us coming." [[spoiler:Legion]] gives Joker a MathematiciansAnswer, explaining that [[spoiler:geth]] do not use windows because they're structural weaknesses, and proceeds to set the coordinates for the landing zone. Joker mocks [[spoiler:Legion]] by making exaggerated robotic movements, and right on cue, Shepard walks up and catches him in the act. Joker pauses, rolls his eyes, and gets back to work.

*** With Jack, he cautions that Shepard might get injured by her during sex, and prescribes biotic inhibitors. (and padding the walls.)
*** With Miranda, he cautions you to be wary of "bugs" - they can be planted ''anywhere''. And he offers to give you an exam afterwards.

* A possible combo with AscendedMeme, but a chef in the lowest portion of the Citadel in [=ME2=] states: "Have you ever heard of Ramen? It's a delicacy on Earth!"

*** If someone could explain to me what those things are actually referring to, I'd be grateful...
*** Ramen is a rather cheap noodle product sold in various powdered flavors. [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment It is very cheap.]] I love it. [[RunningGag It is cheap.]]
*** In a proper Japanese restaurant ramen passes for a delicacy- nothing instant.

*** Specifically Kasumi said she'd steal her mom's ramen ''RECIPE'' apparently because of how good it is.

* After doing Garrus' loyalty mission in ''Mass Effect 2'', when you ask him how turians prepare for risky operations, he tells you a story about how he sparred with a female recon scout. He had reach, but she had flexibility, and they went nine rounds before the ref declared the match a tie. Then he says something like this:

--->'''Shepard:''' What do you say we skip right to the tiebreaker? We can test your reach and my flexibility.

-->[[spoiler: '''Garrus''']]: 'I'd wait, if you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible...and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink.'
-->*[[BeatPanel long awkward pause]] consisting of Shepard just staring at [[spoiler: Garrus]] with a sly smile*
-->[[spoiler: '''Garrus''']]: Wait... that metaphor [[ThatCameOutWrong just went somewhere horrible.]]

--->[[spoiler: '''Garrus''']]: I've never considered cross-species intercourse before. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help. Now I feel all dirty and clinical.

--->[[spoiler: '''Garrus''']]: It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible [[BuffySpeak interspecies awkwardness thing]]...in which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so you know, a win either way.

** [[spoiler: The best part is that he's ''beatboxing.'' And it's actually quite good....]]
* What about [[spoiler: Shepard headbutting a krogan on Tuchanka? The "what the hell was that" look the krogan gives him/her is priceless.]]

* One of the most hilarious moments in the series is when [[spoiler:the Collectors are infiltrating the Normandy]]

* In Mass Effect 2, when exploring the Local Cluster (which houses our Solar system, so basically you can check out Earth and whatnot), trying to launch a probe at (depleted) Uranus.

---> '''Garrus''': "I didn't shoot him."

* After doing Grunt's loyalty quest where you [[spoiler: kill a Thresher Maw]], Grunt gets some requests for mating from female krogan, [[InterspeciesRomance but so does Shepard]]...even if she's [[LesYay female!]]

* [[MemeticBadass Niftu Cal]], the volus who's higher than a kite and thinks he is a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjp46Uv8PUE biotic God]], causing Shepard to raise a hand to cradle the oncoming headache from listening to him. Performing a Paragon action leads to Shepard staring at the volus' back as he is about to valiantly waddle in to the next room and get perforated, then gently nudging him. The volus very slowly pitches forward and lands flat on his face. Wonderful visual comedy.

-->'''Gabriella Daniels''': "So, Kenneth, did you know we have a crazy woman squatting down in the sub-deck?"
-->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': "What!? If she touches anything, I'll kill her!"
-->'''Gabriella Daniels''': "Oh, and the only thing she wears from the waist up is tattoos."
-->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': "Oh, maybe I should go down and welcome her aboard..."
-->'''Gabriella Daniels''': "And she's a murderer. Has biotic powers that could crush you with a blink. Hates everyone in Cerberus."
-->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': "Damnit girl, stop toying with me!"
** How could you forget about.
--->'''Ken:''' "So, Gabby, what do you think of our new quarian boss?"
--->'''Gabby:''' "Hush, she's right over there."
--->'''Ken:''' "Gah, she can't hear us with her head in that bucket... Don't get me wrong, it's a ''beautiful'' bucket.. The whole suit is lovely, quite snug in all the right places..."
--->'''Tali:''' "You ''know'' I can hear you."
** My personal favorite.
--->'''Ken:''' "Gabby, you'd say that the Normandy is a she, not a he, right?"
--->'''Gabby:''' "Of course, the Normandy is the sweetest girl there is."
--->'''Ken:''' "And EDI's a she, Tali's definitely a she..."
--->'''Gabby:''' "What are you getting at, Kenneth?"
--->'''Ken:''' "I'm just saying I'm feeling a wee bit threatened here, a lot of female energy, and I'm just one man."
--->'''Gabby:''' "You're such a dick."
--->'''Ken:''' "See? Look where your mind went. I've got to watch out for myself."

--->'''Gabriella Daniels''': "I hear Rupert's been cooking some decent food lately."
--->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': "Eh. That scunner couldn't make a good haggis if his life depended on it."
--->'''Gabriella Daniels''': "All haggis tastes like ass anyway."
--->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': "Aye, but in the right hands it can taste like mighty fine ass."

--->'''Gabriella Daniels''': "The new armor reinforcements really threw off the gravimetric profiles. But engines are good to go. I rebalanced the Gillbourne coefficients and adjusted the anterior intakes on the second tier stabilizers."
--->'''Kenneth Donnelly''': "I love it when you talk dirty."

** Most of the exchanges in the cantina are hilarious. The one that follows later in the game goes:
--->'''Crewman Hawthorne''': "Rupert! There's something different with tonight's meal. Seems like you put in more food and less ass."

-->'''Garrus''': "Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?"
-->'''Shepard''': "Hell Garrus, you were always ugly. Just slap on some facepaint and you won't be able to tell the difference."
-->'''Garrus''': (laughs) "Damn that hurts, my face is ''barely'' holding together as it is. It's just as well, everyone was always ignoring ''you'' and hitting on ''me''. At least now this gives you a fair shot."

----> '''Oriana:''' We have the extranet here as well sis. God!

--> '''EDI:''' "Detonation in ten, nine, eight -"
--> '''Joker:''' "Yeah, I get the gist of it, EDI! Hold on!"

** Tali's introduction of the Admiral is even better

** "We've been coworkers for five years. Aren't salarian years like dog years?" "Now that's offensive!" As well as, "It's called a belly button, humans and asari have them. You'll be doing shots out of it later." "That can't be sanitary." "NOT THE POINT, man!"

* When you first board the [[spoiler: new]] ''Normandy'', hang around the forward bridge next to Joker before you talk to him. If you wait long enough, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObVxYYB0knA epic]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlqdQeocsjg lulz]] [[HilarityEnsues ensue]].

* When first talking to Illusive Man Shepard can ask about Cerberus, about why s/he was revived, about the threat they face. Or s/he can ask if being revived means his/her junk still works.

* One of Mordin Solus' random lines when using his Incinerate power is particularly funny.
-->'''Mordin Solus''': [[YouKeepUsingThatWord "Inflammable! Or flammable, forget which. Doesn't matter!"]]

* '''Grunt:''' [[ChronicBackstabbingDisorder I'm not going to stab you in the back, Shepard]]. Fighters like you and me... right in the face. *{{beat}}* ...kidding, kidding.

** Also Grunt yelling at the plague as he starts coughing

-->'''Kasumi:''' ''It's a plant!''

* A quarian in the bar on Illium discusses her suit's built-in "nerve-stimulation program" with her turian platonic male friend. She's about to fire it up -- in public -- when she catches Shepard eavesdropping.

-->'''Shepard''': ''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCV92FsGg5A There's a REAPER in my way, Wrex!!]]''

--->[[spoiler:'''Aethyta:''']] You're too old to buy a damn pony.
--->[[spoiler:'''Liara:''' So you're giving me asari commandos?]]
--->[[spoiler:'''Aethyta:''']] Yup.
--->'''Liara:''' [[spoiler:You're the best father ever.]]

----

--> '''[=FemShep=]''': OH CRAP!

* "I've had enough of your snide insinuations." '''*[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]*'''

* "I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions." ['''[[RunningGag SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]''']

* During the reactor scene, Petrovsky spends a lot of time gloating about the choice you're stuck with - [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrF2HI77K6MIf unless you're an Engineer,]] in which case you get the first class-specific interrupt in the series. It fixes the problem in about five seconds, leaving a rather quiet Petrovsky standing there while Shepard runs off to have their praises sung by Nyreen ''and'' Aria.

* The Renegade ending of ''Omega'' where Aria kisses Shepard, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CQjrDGxWnU&feature=g-all be it male or female]]. But her kissing Male!Shep made it really awkward.

* At the end of ''Omega'', the last shot before Shepard leaves shows a Turian dragging a Cerberus trooper by the feet, while the trooper helplessly flails about. Despite all the death and destruction surrounding them, there's something downright comical since the Turian acts as though he's just taking out the trash!

--> ''{{Beat}}''
--> '''Aria''': Never mind.