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Changed line(s) 82 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Luke''': I'm Luke Valentine.
to:
-->'''Luke''': I'm My name is Luke Valentine.
Changed line(s) 85 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, [[SarcasmMode so am I]], and I'm failing, and [[BlatantLies I'm sorry for that]]. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
to:
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, [[SarcasmMode so am I]], and I'm failing, and [[BlatantLies I'm sorry for that]]. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, ''70-inch'' '''plasma TV''', and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
Changed line(s) 98 (click to see context) from:
'''Luke''': For god's sake, Jan, think of mother!\\
to:
'''Luke''': For god's God's sake, Jan, think of mother!\\
Changed line(s) 124 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Jan''': [[DoubleTake Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH]] ''[[DoubleTake FUCK]]''[[DoubleTake , THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!]]
to:
-->'''Jan''': [[DoubleTake [[DullSurprise Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. rifle.]] [[DoubleTake OH]] ''[[DoubleTake FUCK]]''[[DoubleTake , THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!]]
Changed line(s) 128 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Integra''': That's Alucard, the one we talked about. This is what he does when he has to entertain himself...
to:
-->'''Integra''': That's Oh that's Alucard, the one we talked were talking about. This is what he does when he has to entertain himself...
Changed line(s) 137,138 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ...[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Well that's just not fair]]...\\
'''Integra''': I'm sorry; I don't give a shit. ''(Everyone opens fire on Jan)''\\
'''Integra''': I'm sorry; I don't give a shit. ''(Everyone opens fire on Jan)''\\
to:
'''Jan''': ...[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Well that's just not fair]]...fair at all]]...\\
'''Integra''': Aw I'm sorry;I we don't give a shit.fuck. ''(Everyone opens fire on Jan)''\\
'''Integra''': Aw I'm sorry;
Changed line(s) 187 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Walter:''' Sir Integra, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with--and pardon my French, no offense--
to:
-->'''Walter:''' Sir Integra, forgive me, I tried ''tried'' to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with--and pardon my French, no offense--
Changed line(s) 210 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Anderson''': Of course! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
to:
-->'''Anderson''': Of course! Eh sure! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
Changed line(s) 260 (click to see context) from:
'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?\\
to:
'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, been really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?\\
Changed line(s) 310 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard:''' I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
to:
-->'''Alucard:''' I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always ''always'' over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
Changed line(s) 325 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Major:''' Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He was a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
to:
-->'''Major:''' Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He was a Brazilian dog '''dog''' who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
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Changed line(s) 42 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Alucard:''' I take enthusiastic walks.
to:
--> '''Alucard:''' I take enthusiastic walks.walks through the woods.
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Changed line(s) 38,40 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard''': To be fair, that was the Police Girl--
-->'''Integra''': --With the big titties. ''({{Beat}})'' You need to stop going on "walks".
-->'''Alucard''': And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
-->'''Integra''': --With the big titties. ''({{Beat}})'' You need to stop going on "walks".
-->'''Alucard''': And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
to:
-->'''Alucard''': To be fair, that was the Police Girl--
Girl-- With the big titties.
-->'''Integra''':--With the big titties. ''({{Beat}})'' You need to stop going on "walks".
-->'''Alucard''':And Then you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
-->'''Integra''':
-->'''Alucard''':
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Changed line(s) 272,279 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Walter:''' Well...''*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses*'' the ''[[SociopathicHero Alucard]]'' amount, bl
** And when the fight with the Dandy Man starts, the collateral damage just keeps escalating.
--> ''*Dandy Man throws a card at Alucard, blowing up a group of policemen*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh my god, why are they doing this ''outside''?!
--> ''*The same thing happens*''
--> '''Integra''': [[TemptingFate Well at least he's just dodging them]].
--> ''*Alucard shoots at the Dandy Man, who dodges, causing a few policemen to die*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh come on, that was on purpose!
** And when the fight with the Dandy Man starts, the collateral damage just keeps escalating.
--> ''*Dandy Man throws a card at Alucard, blowing up a group of policemen*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh my god, why are they doing this ''outside''?!
--> ''*The same thing happens*''
--> '''Integra''': [[TemptingFate Well at least he's just dodging them]].
--> ''*Alucard shoots at the Dandy Man, who dodges, causing a few policemen to die*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh come on, that was on purpose!
to:
-->'''Walter:''' Well...''*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses*'' the ''[[SociopathicHero Alucard]]'' amount, bl
** And when the fight with the Dandy Man starts, the collateral damage just keeps escalating.
--> ''*Dandy Man throws a card at Alucard, blowing up a group of policemen*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh my god, why are they doing this ''outside''?!
--> ''*The same thing happens*''
--> '''Integra''': [[TemptingFate Well at least he's just dodging them]].
--> ''*Alucard shoots at the Dandy Man, who dodges, causing a few policemen to die*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh come on, that was on purpose!amount.
** And when the fight with the Dandy Man starts, the collateral damage just keeps escalating.
--> ''*Dandy Man throws a card at Alucard, blowing up a group of policemen*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh my god, why are they doing this ''outside''?!
--> ''*The same thing happens*''
--> '''Integra''': [[TemptingFate Well at least he's just dodging them]].
--> ''*Alucard shoots at the Dandy Man, who dodges, causing a few policemen to die*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh come on, that was on purpose!
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Changed line(s) 272 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Walter:''' Well...''*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses*'' the ''[[SociopathicHero Alucard]]'' amount.
to:
-->'''Walter:''' Well...''*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses*'' the ''[[SociopathicHero Alucard]]'' amount.amount, bl
** And when the fight with the Dandy Man starts, the collateral damage just keeps escalating.
--> ''*Dandy Man throws a card at Alucard, blowing up a group of policemen*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh my god, why are they doing this ''outside''?!
--> ''*The same thing happens*''
--> '''Integra''': [[TemptingFate Well at least he's just dodging them]].
--> ''*Alucard shoots at the Dandy Man, who dodges, causing a few policemen to die*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh come on, that was on purpose!
** And when the fight with the Dandy Man starts, the collateral damage just keeps escalating.
--> ''*Dandy Man throws a card at Alucard, blowing up a group of policemen*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh my god, why are they doing this ''outside''?!
--> ''*The same thing happens*''
--> '''Integra''': [[TemptingFate Well at least he's just dodging them]].
--> ''*Alucard shoots at the Dandy Man, who dodges, causing a few policemen to die*''
--> '''Integra''': Oh come on, that was on purpose!
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Changed line(s) 311 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Walter:''' Quite...
to:
-->'''Walter:''' ''([[TooMuchInformation curtly]])'' Quite...
Changed line(s) 314 (click to see context) from:
-->*''{{Beat}}''*
to:
-->'''Walter:''' ...
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Changed line(s) 139 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''[[ClusterFBomb FUCK!!!]]'''''
to:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''[[ClusterFBomb FUCK!!!]]'''''
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Changed line(s) 139 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''[[ClusterFBombFUCK!!!]]'''''
to:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''[[ClusterFBombFUCK!!!]]'''''FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''[[ClusterFBomb FUCK!!!]]'''''
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Changed line(s) 139 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''FUCK'''''!!!
to:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''FUCK'''''!!!bullets)'' FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''[[ClusterFBombFUCK!!!]]'''''
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Changed line(s) 139 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK]]...
to:
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK]]...FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMOTHERFUCKINFUCKCUNTWITHAFUCKINTITTYFUCKFUCK]]'''''FUCK'''''!!!
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Changed line(s) 135 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ''(keeps running and [[LifeOrLimbDecision lets his arm get ripped off)'' So shove it up your ass]]! HAHAHAHAHA!\\
to:
'''Jan''': ''(keeps running and [[LifeOrLimbDecision lets his arm get ripped off)'' off]])'' So shove it up your ass]]! ass! HAHAHAHAHA!\\
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Changed line(s) 135 (click to see context) from:
'''Jan''': ''(keeps running and [[LifeOrLimbDecision lets his arm get ripped off)'' So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA!\\
to:
'''Jan''': ''(keeps running and [[LifeOrLimbDecision lets his arm get ripped off)'' So shove it up your ass! ass]]! HAHAHAHAHA!\\
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Changed line(s) 104 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Jan''': READ IT FUCKING RIGHT, ''COCKHOLE!!'' ''(SLAP!)''
to:
-->'''Jan''': READ IT FUCKING ''(SLAP!)'' RIGHT, ''COCKHOLE!!'' ''(SLAP!)''
Added DiffLines:
-->'''Integra''': That's Alucard, the one we talked about. This is what he does when he has to entertain himself...
Added DiffLines:
* Jan's last few moments in general...
-->'''Walter''': ''(snags Jan's right arm with his RazorWire as he tries to run)'' I've got your arm!\\
'''Jan''': ''(keeps running and [[LifeOrLimbDecision lets his arm get ripped off)'' So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA!\\
''(Jan charges down the hall until he bursts into the room with Integra and the Council of Twelve. When he gets their, they're all pointing their anti-vampire weaponry at him.)''\\
'''Jan''': ...[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Well that's just not fair]]...\\
'''Integra''': I'm sorry; I don't give a shit. ''(Everyone opens fire on Jan)''\\
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK]]...
-->'''Walter''': ''(snags Jan's right arm with his RazorWire as he tries to run)'' I've got your arm!\\
'''Jan''': ''(keeps running and [[LifeOrLimbDecision lets his arm get ripped off)'' So shove it up your ass! HAHAHAHAHA!\\
''(Jan charges down the hall until he bursts into the room with Integra and the Council of Twelve. When he gets their, they're all pointing their anti-vampire weaponry at him.)''\\
'''Jan''': ...[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Well that's just not fair]]...\\
'''Integra''': I'm sorry; I don't give a shit. ''(Everyone opens fire on Jan)''\\
'''Jan''': ''(getting riddled with bullets)'' [[ClusterFBomb FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK]]...
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Changed line(s) 258 (click to see context) from:
'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]\\
to:
'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]\\NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]
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Changed line(s) 251,258 (click to see context) from:
-->''(Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker)''
-->'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
-->'''Integra''': Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
-->'''Alucard''': ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( [[labelnote:barely audible conversation]]"Hey, y'got phone from *mumble*" "Why does she wanna talk?" "The fuck do I know? Just go talk to her, I'm going for a walk."[[/labelnote]])
-->'''Seras:''' 'Ello?
-->'''Integra:''' Whatever you do, do '''''not''''' let Alucard leave that room! Under ''any'' circumstance!
-->'''Seras:''' Actually, he just left. He said [[RunningGag he was goin' for a walk]]--
-->'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]
-->'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
-->'''Integra''': Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
-->'''Alucard''': ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( [[labelnote:barely audible conversation]]"Hey, y'got phone from *mumble*" "Why does she wanna talk?" "The fuck do I know? Just go talk to her, I'm going for a walk."[[/labelnote]])
-->'''Seras:''' 'Ello?
-->'''Integra:''' Whatever you do, do '''''not''''' let Alucard leave that room! Under ''any'' circumstance!
-->'''Seras:''' Actually, he just left. He said [[RunningGag he was goin' for a walk]]--
-->'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]
to:
-->'''Alucard''':
'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't
-->'''Integra''':
'''Integra''': Alucard, put the police girl on the
-->'''Alucard''': ...
'''Alucard''': ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( [[labelnote:barely audible conversation]]"Hey, y'got phone from *mumble*" "Why does she wanna talk?" "The fuck do I know? Just go talk to her, I'm going for a walk.
-->'''Seras:''' 'Ello?
-->'''Integra:'''
'''Seras:''' 'Ello?\\
'''Integra:''' Whatever you do, do '''''not''''' let Alucard leave that room! Under ''any''
-->'''Seras:'''
'''Seras:''' Actually, he just left. He said [[RunningGag he was goin' for a
-->'''[[OhCrap
'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO
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Changed line(s) 236 (click to see context) from:
'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!\\
to:
'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!\\ door!\\
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Changed line(s) 224,249 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard''': Now that I'm all by myself, [[TemptingFate I can just kick back and reeeeel]]--
-->''(SmashCut to a news report several hours later)''
-->'''Reporter''': ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. ''(While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive SpitTake while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman)'' The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some OzzyOsbourne looking motherfucker...
-->'''Integra''' ''(seething with rage)'': On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(among all the bodies)'' Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. ''(cuts the music and picks up the phone)'' M'yello~?
-->'''Integra:''' What. Did you do.
-->'''Alucard:''' ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
-->'''Integra:''' WHAT. DID YOU DO.
-->'''Alucard:''' Okay, ''first''...I was minding my own business--
-->'''Integra:''' ''(slams her hand into the table)'' BULLSHIT!
-->'''Alucard:''' (''Whiny tone of voice'') [[NotMeThisTime I waaaaas!]]
-->'''Integra:''' And exactly ''what'' happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
-->'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
-->''(SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)''
-->'''Alucard:''' One of them yelled out--
-->'''Flashback!SWAT:''' Get on your knees!
-->'''Alucard:''' And I responded with--
-->'''Flashback!Alucard:''' [[YourMom I'm not your mother last night!]]
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and [[{{Understatement}} they took exception to that]].
-->''(SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie]])''
-->'''Alucard:''' But [[GoodThingYouCanHeal you know how THAT song-and-dance goes]]...
-->''(as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and I killed all but one of them.
-->'''Integra:''' What happened to the last one?
-->''(The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard [[SlasherSmile grins evilly]] while the gun goes off.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' Pussed out like a [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch!]] Silver lining? ''([[CrossesTheLineTwice shot of bloody corpses]])'' [[BloodyHilarious I can cancel my room service!]]
-->''(SmashCut to a news report several hours later)''
-->'''Reporter''': ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. ''(While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive SpitTake while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman)'' The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some OzzyOsbourne looking motherfucker...
-->'''Integra''' ''(seething with rage)'': On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(among all the bodies)'' Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. ''(cuts the music and picks up the phone)'' M'yello~?
-->'''Integra:''' What. Did you do.
-->'''Alucard:''' ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
-->'''Integra:''' WHAT. DID YOU DO.
-->'''Alucard:''' Okay, ''first''...I was minding my own business--
-->'''Integra:''' ''(slams her hand into the table)'' BULLSHIT!
-->'''Alucard:''' (''Whiny tone of voice'') [[NotMeThisTime I waaaaas!]]
-->'''Integra:''' And exactly ''what'' happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
-->'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
-->''(SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)''
-->'''Alucard:''' One of them yelled out--
-->'''Flashback!SWAT:''' Get on your knees!
-->'''Alucard:''' And I responded with--
-->'''Flashback!Alucard:''' [[YourMom I'm not your mother last night!]]
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and [[{{Understatement}} they took exception to that]].
-->''(SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie]])''
-->'''Alucard:''' But [[GoodThingYouCanHeal you know how THAT song-and-dance goes]]...
-->''(as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and I killed all but one of them.
-->'''Integra:''' What happened to the last one?
-->''(The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard [[SlasherSmile grins evilly]] while the gun goes off.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' Pussed out like a [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch!]] Silver lining? ''([[CrossesTheLineTwice shot of bloody corpses]])'' [[BloodyHilarious I can cancel my room service!]]
to:
-->'''Alucard''': Now that I'm all by myself, [[TemptingFate I can just kick back and reeeeel]]--
-->''(SmashCutreeeeel]]--\\
''(SmashCut to a news report several hourslater)''
-->'''Reporter''': ...later)''\\
'''Reporter''': ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. ''(While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive SpitTake while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman)'' The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some OzzyOsbourne lookingmotherfucker...
-->'''Integra'''motherfucker...\\
'''Integra''' ''(seething with rage)'': On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHTNOW!!
-->'''Alucard:'''NOW!!\\
'''Alucard:''' ''(among all the bodies)'' Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. ''(cuts the music and picks up the phone)''M'yello~?
-->'''Integra:'''M'yello~?\\
'''Integra:''' What. Did youdo.
-->'''Alucard:''' ...do.\\
'''Alucard:''' ...Alright. But you can't be mad atme.
-->'''Integra:'''me.\\
'''Integra:''' WHAT. DID YOUDO.
-->'''Alucard:'''DO.\\
'''Alucard:''' Okay, ''first''...I was minding my ownbusiness--
-->'''Integra:'''business--\\
'''Integra:''' ''(slams her hand into the table)''BULLSHIT!
-->'''Alucard:'''BULLSHIT!\\
'''Alucard:''' (''Whiny tone of voice'') [[NotMeThisTime Iwaaaaas!]]
-->'''Integra:'''waaaaas!]]\\
'''Integra:''' And exactly ''what'' happened whilst you were "minding your ownbusiness"?!
-->'''Alucard:'''business"?!\\
'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in mydoor!
-->''(SWATdoor!\\
''(SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim atAlucard)''
-->'''Alucard:'''Alucard)''\\
'''Alucard:''' One of them yelledout--
-->'''Flashback!SWAT:'''out--\\
'''Flashback!SWAT:''' Get on yourknees!
-->'''Alucard:'''knees!\\
'''Alucard:''' And I respondedwith--
-->'''Flashback!Alucard:'''with--\\
'''Flashback!Alucard:''' [[YourMom I'm not your mother lastnight!]]
-->'''Alucard:''' ...night!]]\\
'''Alucard:''' ...and [[{{Understatement}} they took exception tothat]].
-->''(SWATthat]].\\
''(SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeatpie]])''
-->'''Alucard:'''pie]])''\\
'''Alucard:''' But [[GoodThingYouCanHeal you know how THAT song-and-dancegoes]]...
-->''(asgoes]]...\\
''(as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' ...)''\\
'''Alucard:''' ...and I killed all but one ofthem.
-->'''Integra:'''them.\\
'''Integra:''' What happened to the lastone?
-->''(Theone?\\
''(The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard [[SlasherSmile grins evilly]] while the gun goes off.)''
-->'''Alucard:''')''\\
'''Alucard:''' [[SuicideAsComedy Pussed out likea a]] [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch!]] [[FalseReassurance Silver lining? lining]]? ''([[CrossesTheLineTwice shot of bloody corpses]])'' [[BloodyHilarious I can cancel my room service!]]
-->''(SmashCut
''(SmashCut to a news report several hours
-->'''Reporter''': ...
'''Reporter''': ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. ''(While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive SpitTake while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman)'' The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some OzzyOsbourne looking
-->'''Integra'''
'''Integra''' ''(seething with rage)'': On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' ''(among all the bodies)'' Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. ''(cuts the music and picks up the phone)''
-->'''Integra:'''
'''Integra:''' What. Did you
-->'''Alucard:''' ...
'''Alucard:''' ...Alright. But you can't be mad at
-->'''Integra:'''
'''Integra:''' WHAT. DID YOU
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' Okay, ''first''...I was minding my own
-->'''Integra:'''
'''Integra:''' ''(slams her hand into the table)''
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' (''Whiny tone of voice'') [[NotMeThisTime I
-->'''Integra:'''
'''Integra:''' And exactly ''what'' happened whilst you were "minding your own
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my
-->''(SWAT
''(SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' One of them yelled
-->'''Flashback!SWAT:'''
'''Flashback!SWAT:''' Get on your
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' And I responded
-->'''Flashback!Alucard:'''
'''Flashback!Alucard:''' [[YourMom I'm not your mother last
-->'''Alucard:''' ...
'''Alucard:''' ...and [[{{Understatement}} they took exception to
-->''(SWAT
''(SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' But [[GoodThingYouCanHeal you know how THAT song-and-dance
-->''(as
''(as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.
-->'''Alucard:''' ...
'''Alucard:''' ...and I killed all but one of
-->'''Integra:'''
'''Integra:''' What happened to the last
-->''(The
''(The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard [[SlasherSmile grins evilly]] while the gun goes off.
-->'''Alucard:'''
'''Alucard:''' [[SuicideAsComedy Pussed out like
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--> '''Walter:''' "Very well done, Miss Victoria. Where did you learn to do that?"
--> '''Seras:''' ''(while holding down Jan)'' "[[SarcasmMode Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!]]"
--> '''Walter:''' "[[DontExplainTheJoke Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.]]"
--> '''Seras:''' ''(while holding down Jan)'' "[[SarcasmMode Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!]]"
--> '''Walter:''' "[[DontExplainTheJoke Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.]]"
to:
--> '''Seras:''' ''(taking down Jan)'' [[ImageBoards ARMBARS EVERYWHERE]]!
--> '''Walter:'''"Very well done, Miss Victoria. That's quite impressive. Where did you learn to do that?"
that hold?
--> '''Seras:'''''(while holding down Jan)'' "[[SarcasmMode [[SarcasmMode Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!]]"
something!]]
--> '''Walter:'''"[[DontExplainTheJoke [[DontExplainTheJoke Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.]]"]]
--> '''Walter:'''
--> '''Seras:'''
--> '''Walter:'''
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-->'''Communications officer''': ''(pained sobbing)''
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'''Jan''': ...I ain't jerking off right now...\\
to:
'''Jan''': ...I ain't jerking off right now...\\
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* The ''entire'' scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen.
to:
* The ''entire'' scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen. "The note on the claim said, [[AC:"I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. [[RageQuit So I scrapped it."]]]]
-->'''Integra''': ''(thinking)'' I WOULD DO FUCKING ''ANYTHING'' RIGHT NOW TO GET OUT OF THIS.\\
''(Cut to [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor Luke and Jan Valentine walking up the path to the Hellsing HQ]])''\\
'''Jan''': ...and so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!\\
'''Luke''': I ''really'' don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.\\
'''Jan''': I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?\\
'''Luke''': For god's sake, Jan, think of mother!\\
'''Jan''': ...I ain't jerking off right now...\\
-->'''Integra''': ''(thinking)'' I WOULD DO FUCKING ''ANYTHING'' RIGHT NOW TO GET OUT OF THIS.\\
''(Cut to [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor Luke and Jan Valentine walking up the path to the Hellsing HQ]])''\\
'''Jan''': ...and so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!\\
'''Luke''': I ''really'' don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.\\
'''Jan''': I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?\\
'''Luke''': For god's sake, Jan, think of mother!\\
'''Jan''': ...I ain't jerking off right now...\\
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Changed line(s) 444 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard''': Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...
to:
-->'''Alucard''': Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...\\
'''Integra''': Following your example, I see...\\
'''Alucard''': Ooo, catty~
'''Integra''': Following your example, I see...\\
'''Alucard''': Ooo, catty~
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Changed line(s) 382,383 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Queen:''' ''*soft laughter*'' Oh, you know ''exactly'' what to say to moisten me up.
--> '''Sir Penwood:''' ''(offscreen)'' [[{{Squick}} ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!]]
--> '''Sir Penwood:''' ''(offscreen)'' [[{{Squick}} ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!]]
to:
--> '''Queen:''' ''*soft laughter*'' ''(soft laughter)'' Oh, you know ''exactly'' what to say to moisten me up.
--> '''Sir Penwood:''' ''(offscreen)''[[{{Squick}} [[ScreamingAtSquick ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!]]
--> '''Sir Penwood:''' ''(offscreen)''
Changed line(s) 398 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Commander Violet:''' So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.\\
to:
'''Commander Violet''': Uh...what--\\
'''Rip Van Winkle:''' ''(quickly)'' Zis is [[TheGame ze game]]!\\
'''Commander Violet''': ...what game?\\
'''Rip Van Winkle:''' You lose! lol I'm so random!\\
'''Commander Violet:''' ''([[SureLetsGoWithThat moving along]])'' So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.\\
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Changed line(s) 375 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Queen:''' Well, well, well. If it isn't Aly. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
to:
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(genuine delight in his voice)'' Oh, shit! Is that [[HMTheQueen Betty]]?!
--> '''Guards''': ''(as Alucard approaches)'' Sir, you can't just--
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(throws guards aside)'' GET OUT OF MY WAY.
--> '''Queen:''' ''(with Alucard kneeling before her)'' Well, well, well. If it isn't Aly. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
--> '''Guards''': ''(as Alucard approaches)'' Sir, you can't just--
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(throws guards aside)'' GET OUT OF MY WAY.
--> '''Queen:''' ''(with Alucard kneeling before her)'' Well, well, well. If it isn't Aly. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
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Changed line(s) 413 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard:''' Ah. The return of the [[DudeLooksLikeALady "why" boner]]. ''With a vengeance!''
to:
-->'''Alucard:''' Ah. The return of the [[DudeLooksLikeALady "why" boner]]. ''With a vengeance!'' vengeance.''
Changed line(s) 428 (click to see context) from:
''(Seras blushes and Alucard shoots Schroedinger [[LudicrousGibs in the face]])''\\
to:
''(Seras blushes gawks and blushes, and Alucard shoots Schroedinger [[LudicrousGibs in the face]])''\\
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Changed line(s) 431 (click to see context) from:
'''Alucard:''' Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?\\
to:
'''Alucard:''' [[Memes/OtherInternet Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?\\war?]]\\
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Changed line(s) 194 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Alucard''': You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
to:
-->'''Alucard''': You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!tautology! ''[Exit him and Anderson]''
-->'''Maxwell:''' ''(deeply disturbed)'' [[INeedAFreakingDrink You...want some coffee?]]
-->'''Integra:''' ...I'd love some.
-->'''Maxwell:''' ''(deeply disturbed)'' [[INeedAFreakingDrink You...want some coffee?]]
-->'''Integra:''' ...I'd love some.
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Changed line(s) 154 (click to see context) from:
* "Jesus wants a hug!"
to:
* On the establishing shot of Rio: "Jesus wants a hug!"
Changed line(s) 367 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Anderson''': ...
to:
--> '''Anderson''': ...?
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-->'''Alucard''': And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!
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It is TeamFourStar. This page is guaranteed to exist.
----
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder: Episode 1]]
* The BaitAndSwitchCredits involving OnePiece.
* During the first few minutes of the series, Alucard kills [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Edward]] [[TakeThat Cullen]]. Also doubles as a MomentOfAwesome.
-->'''Edward Cullen''': ''(Answers the door)'' Who is it?
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, you know... ''(Shoots Edward Cullen ''37 times'')'' [[TakeThat A real fuckin' vampire!]]
* Alucard annoying Seras to "take the shot".
-->'''Seras''': There! I took the ''fucking'' shot! She's dead! [[OverdrawnAtTheBloodBank There's blood everywhere]]!\\
'''Alucard''': ''(delighted)'' Oh, you are just a ''treat''.
* This exchange--
-->'''Vampire Priest''': Are you mocking me?
-->'''Alucard''': [[SarcasmMode Oh, no. No, no, no, no...]] ''(Scoffs)'' Yeah! ''(Shoots the vampire priest)''
-->'''BonJovi''': ''[[ThemeMusicPowerUp Shot through the heart!]]''
* "Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree..."
** "Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blond eviscerated puppy."
* The "field report"-
-->'''Integra''': So, that's your field report?
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': You went for walk in the forest at midnight?
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': You killed a homicidal vampire priest?
-->'''Alucard''': Dead.
-->'''Integra''': ...And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a--
-->'''Both''': Big-tittied police girl.
** The current mission's "field report"-
-->'''Integra''': So, that's your field report?
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': So, you broke into the house-
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': And you shot him thirty-six times--
-->'''Alucard''': Thirty-''seven''.
-->'''Integra''': And took out his partner--
-->'''Alucard''': To be fair, that was the Police Girl--
-->'''Integra''': --With the big titties. ''({{Beat}})'' You need to stop going on "walks".
* Also:
--> '''Alucard:''' I take enthusiastic walks.
--> '''Integra:''' And kill homicidal vampire priests...
--> '''Alucard:''' ''Very'' enthusiastic walks.
* "Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like ''HouseOfTheDead'', only like, 100 times more awesome!"
** Made even funnier due to the whole scene showing Seras with a bored look on her face rather than Alucard's joy-fueled carnage.
*** Then when Seras finally ''does'' join in, Alucard gives us this line:
-->'''Alucard''': Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that ''beast'' of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes!
-->''[[DoesThisRemindYouofAnything (Seras gets stabbed repeatedly by Anderson)]]''
-->'''Alucard''': Well, kinda like that, [[DontExplainTheJoke only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina]].
* Then when Anderson appears:
-->'''Alucard''': ''(Sniff sniff)'' Huh? Suddenly it reeks of ''hypocrisy'' in here.
-->''(Anderson turns the corner)''
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? ''Progress!''
* ''All'' of the interaction between Alucard and Anderson.
** Alucard calling Anderson out on quoting ''{{The Boondock Saints}}''
--> '''Alucard:''' "[[PunctuatedForEmphasis Boon. Dock. Saints.]] I mean, seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. ''(chuckles)'' Get it?"
** In particular, this exchange after Alucard ''regrows his head'' right in front of Anderson.
-->'''Alucard''': ...you done goofed.
-->'''Anderson''': How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do ''that?!''
-->'''Alucard''': Fuck you, that's how.
* This earlier exchange between Alucard and Integra:
--> '''Integra''': Sweet Christ...just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the Police Girl with you.
--> '''Alucard''': Aw, come on! I have to bring her ''everywhere!''
--> '''Integra''': Ah, ah, ah! None of the sass.
--> '''Alucard''': Yes, ''mom''!
* "I'm a [[{{Spoonerism}} fuckmothering]] vampire!"
* ''"Police Girl! Poliiice giiiirl!! You're reading your master's mind! Put [[LosingYourHead my head]] [[AllMenArePerverts between]] [[BuxomIsBetter your booooooooobs!]]"''
** ''([[MarshmallowHell muffled]])'' ''"Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is...put me between your le--"'' ''(gets PinnedToTheWall by a bayonet; ceases to be muffled)'' ''"Goddammit!"''
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Episode 2]]
* Anderson reading the legal disclaimer:
-->"...so please support the official release...ye Protestant fuckbucket."
* Alucard's casual reaction to Luke's [[DynamicEntry first appearance]]
-->'''Alucard''': That was a 70-inch...Plasma screen TV. ''([[TranquilFury inhales deeply]])'' [[DissonantSerenity SO, HOW CAN I HELP YOU]]?
* Alucard reports back about his mission in Japan:
-->'''Alucard''': "Eh, I'd say about ninety-nine...point nine percent done..."
-->''*[[HighSchoolOfTheDead cut to a high school opening up.]]*''
** Which doubles as Fridge Brilliance from the huge implication that Alucard's the entire reason for that very series happening in the first place.
* This exchange between Alucard and Luke.
-->'''Luke''': I'm Luke Valentine.
-->'''Alucard''': [[SarcasmMode And I'm]] CarmenSandiego. [[SarcasmMode GUESS WHERE I AM!]]
-->'''Luke''': I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, [[SarcasmMode so am I]], and I'm failing, and [[BlatantLies I'm sorry for that]]. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
-->''*Mexican standoff ensues*''
-->'''Alucard''': Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?
** And not just that exchange--that entire scene with Luke and Alucard is basically one long Crowning Moment of Funny from beginning to end.
* Alucard watching ''WesternAnimation/AdventureTime''.
* Somehow, Jan is even ''more'' hilarious than he is in the actual series.
-->'''Jan''': Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! ''(Ghoul groans)''
* The ''entire'' scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen.
* During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:
-->'''Jan''': Read the fucking paper.
-->'''Communications officer''': ''(Whimpering)'' "H-hey there, Integra--"
-->'''Jan''': READ IT FUCKING RIGHT, ''COCKHOLE!!'' ''(SLAP!)''
-->'''Communications officer''': "HEEY THERE, you fat...English...whore..."
-->'''Jan''': ''That's'' more like it. Now keep going.
-->'''Communications officer''': "Me...and my big brother Luke, are killing...all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace...with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." Oh God...
-->'''Jan''': Keep reading or ''I shoot the other testicle!''
-->'''Communications officer''': "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." ''(breaks down)'' "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood...and semen." Oh God, this is horrible!
-->'''Jan''': You ain't finished yet!
-->'''Communications officer''': "So prepare your dried-out pussy...for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out''[[OhCrap OHGODNO!!]]'' ''('''BLAM!!!''')''
-->'''Jan''': Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh, now that shit is ''priceless!'' (''Hangs up'')
** The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
* Alucard's line at the end. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!".
** Now in [[http://sharkrobot.com/t-shirts-c-17/bitch-i-eat-people T-shirt form!!]]
* Jan's lines before the attack on the mansion:
-->'''Jan''': ...And we came all the way out here, with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
-->'''[[RedShirt Hellsing Guard]]''': Where from?
-->''(Loads of guns pop out from the bus's window)''
-->'''Jan''': Texas! ''(snaps fingers)''
-->''(Guard gets [[MoreDakka mulched by bullets]])''
-->'''Jan''': Well, shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
* Jan's reaction to Police Girl's new gun.
-->'''Jan''': [[DoubleTake Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH]] ''[[DoubleTake FUCK]]''[[DoubleTake , THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!]]
* Alucard's response when Integra tries to stop him from going on another "walk":
-->'''Alucard''': What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name...Michael [=McDoesntExist=]?
* "WE'RE HERE ON WebVideo/{{EPIC MEAL TIME}}! I'M SAUCE BOSS AND TONIGHT WE'RE EATING THIS BLONDE LITTLE WANNABE DEMI-GOD BITCH!"
* Alucard's request for what Integra should get Seras as part of his bribe.
-->'''Alucard''': Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches ''love'' cannons!
** As well as Seras' CallBack when she finally uses her new anti-tank rifle:
-->'''Seras''': ''(staring down the sights at Jan and his ghouls)'' [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome Bitches love cannons.]] ''('''KABOOM!!''')''
** Jan's reveal:
-->'''Jan''': ''(on fucking fire)'' The one who sent me was...''Naaaaaziiiiiis.''
-->'''Integra''': I heard GeorgeLucas. Who else heard GeorgeLucas?
-->'''Walter''': I heard Miami Heat.
-->'''Seras''': I heard The Music/MotleyCrue with my vampire hearing.
* "[[ComicStrip/TheBoondocks YOU WERE TALKING ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO]], THEN I BLEW YOUR FUCKING LEGS OFF!!!"
* Integra convincing the 12 to restore Hellsing's funding...courtesy of Alucard.
* This exchange:
-->'''Alucard''': "And just like that, everything turned out alright in the end."
-->'''Integra''':"[[SarcasmMode Yes, everything turned out just fine]], except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a [[TheBerserker Blood Rage]]."
-->'''Seras''': "What's a Blood Rage? [[LaserGuidedAmnesia And why don't I remember anything?]]"
* Seras gets her DeadpanSnarker on:
--> '''Walter:''' "Very well done, Miss Victoria. Where did you learn to do that?"
--> '''Seras:''' ''(while holding down Jan)'' "[[SarcasmMode Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!]]"
--> '''Walter:''' "[[DontExplainTheJoke Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Episode 3]]
* The preview for Episode 3:
-->'''Seras''': Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
-->'''Alucard''': GOOD!!
** Also...
-->'''Alucard''': **''EvilLaugh''** Oh {{Marmaduke}}, you can't ride a bike; you're a dog.
* Jan is brought back to life... to read the legal credits that open up every episode.
-->'''Jan:''' "The following is a fan-based parody. ''Hellsing Ultimate'' is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse--" The fuck is this!? You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit? No, no, no, no, no. '''Fuck. That.''' If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kind of fucking line. Ahem. [[CrossesTheLineTwice My throbbing vampire dick is a fan-based parody. Its shaft, balls, and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its official release. You know you want to.]]
* The start of Episode 3 has one of the most hilarious uses of an old punchline possible.
-->'''Sir Hellsing''': Vampire King...you lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed ''hundreds of thousands'', countless villages ''razed'' to the ground, '''and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men!''' WHAT SAY YOU, MONSTER! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU ''NOW''!?
-->'''Alucard''': .....[[spoiler:{{The Aristocrats}}.]]
* The ending for Episode 3. [[spoiler:[[https://twitter.com/TheCrimsonFuckr Alucard tweets it.]]]]
** Also, the advantage that Millennium has over Hellsing: '''''[[spoiler: ZEPPELINS!]]'''''
* "Jesus wants a hug!"
* Alucard meeting Pip and Company:
-->'''Pip:''' Is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
-->'''Integra:''' Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing--
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(phasing through the wall)'' HEYKIDSWANNASEEADEADBODY!?!
-->'''The Wild Geese:''' '''''[[GirlyScream AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!]]'''''
-->''[Opening credits play, then return to the Wild Geese still screaming]''
-->'''Integra:''' STOP SCREAMING!
-->''[The Wild Geese stop, with dog whining heard]''
** Directly following that:
-->'''Alucard:''' So, whats up with the Pride meeting?\\
'''Integra:''' They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers--\\
'''Alucard:''' Wait. Are these guys ''French?''\\
'''Integra:''' We were forced to post [[RedShirt mortality rates]]. They're the only ones who applied.\\
'''Alucard:''' We're ''really'' scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
* Walter's attempt to stop Alucard:
-->'''Walter:''' Sir Integra, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with--and pardon my French, no offense--
-->'''Pip:''' Some taken.
-->'''Walter:''' --"Fuck the police." [[PokeThePoodle He then proceeded to]] [[FelonyMisdemeanor tilt every painting he passed on the way here.]]
-->'''Alucard:''' [[EvilLaugh HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]]
-->'''Integra:''' ''(Sigh)'' Oh God...walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
* Integra and Maxwell meet:
-->'''Integra:''' Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian piece of sh--''[[[SmashCut Switches to museum]]]'' Maxwell! Oh, it's been ''far'' too long.
-->'''Maxwell:''' I agree! You're no longer that little girl I used to know; ''(takes off his glasses)'' look at all those lines on your face.
-->'''Integra:''' And look at all the brown on your nose! How ''is'' the Pope doing?
-->'''Maxwell:''' Better than your failing church.
-->'''Integra:''' Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
-->'''Maxwell:''' But you don't waste time making money off of Rupert Murdoch!
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(phasing through the wall)'' Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started out with the world's cruelest handicap....which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. ''[[PedophilePriest All over his back]].''
-->'''Maxwell:''' ''([[FreakOut losing his shit]], [[AGlassInTheHand shattering his glasses]])'' '''[[SayMyName ANDERSOOOOOOOOOON]]!!!'''
-->''(Anderson appears at the end of the hallway)''
-->'''Anderson:''' ''(drawing his holy knives)'' SERVE THE LORD WITH FEAR AND REJOICE WITH TREMBLING.
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(drawing his guns, [[SlasherSmile overjoyed]])'' YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?!
* Alucard and Anderson's rematch gets sidetracked when [[BavarianFireDrill Seras leads a tour group consisting of old people directly in their path]].
-->'''Alucard and Anderson''': ''([[EvilLaugh borderline insane laughter as they]] [[MexicanStandoff stare one another down]])''
-->'''Seras''': ''(appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks)'' Right this way, Group B! That's right, ''right'' in front of everybody else; [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior you're eighty, you're used to it!]] We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!
-->'''Alucard''': Uh...welp, my boner's gone.
-->'''Anderson''': Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
-->'''Alucard''': Wanna try this again some other time?
-->'''Anderson''': Of course! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
-->'''Alucard''': You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
** Made all the funnier by the fact that the [[{{Homestuck}} Squiddles]] theme is playing in the background.
* Alucard's letter to the Pope:
-->Dear Chief Replacement,
-->I wanted to send you this [[BlatantLies friendly]] little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
-->That's right.
-->I'm going to '''FUCK''' the fear turkey.
-->Follow me [[https://twitter.com/TheCrimsonFuckr @theCrimsonFuckr!]]
-->Sincerely, Alucard
** Integra's reaction:
--> '''Integra:''' I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
** Also, the very fact Alucard writes a violent death threat to the pope every couple of days and sends it personally. "By carrier pigeon, no less!"
** [[HilariousInHindsight However, the real cherry-on-top with this joke is that the real-life Pope has recently announced his plans to resign! Why, you ask? He's concerned about his health!]] Alucard's Twitter has a field day with it.
* When the situation in Brazil happens, Integra takes Alucard's involvement in the whole debacle about as well as you'd expect. Not only does Alucard take pride in saying how he's gonna relax, but the jarring SmashCut to the news report aftermath just makes it funnier.
-->'''Alucard''': Now that I'm all by myself, [[TemptingFate I can just kick back and reeeeel]]--
-->''(SmashCut to a news report several hours later)''
-->'''Reporter''': ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. ''(While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive SpitTake while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman)'' The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some OzzyOsbourne looking motherfucker...
-->'''Integra''' ''(seething with rage)'': On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(among all the bodies)'' Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. ''(cuts the music and picks up the phone)'' M'yello~?
-->'''Integra:''' What. Did you do.
-->'''Alucard:''' ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
-->'''Integra:''' WHAT. DID YOU DO.
-->'''Alucard:''' Okay, ''first''...I was minding my own business--
-->'''Integra:''' ''(slams her hand into the table)'' BULLSHIT!
-->'''Alucard:''' (''Whiny tone of voice'') [[NotMeThisTime I waaaaas!]]
-->'''Integra:''' And exactly ''what'' happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
-->'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
-->''(SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)''
-->'''Alucard:''' One of them yelled out--
-->'''Flashback!SWAT:''' Get on your knees!
-->'''Alucard:''' And I responded with--
-->'''Flashback!Alucard:''' [[YourMom I'm not your mother last night!]]
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and [[{{Understatement}} they took exception to that]].
-->''(SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie]])''
-->'''Alucard:''' But [[GoodThingYouCanHeal you know how THAT song-and-dance goes]]...
-->''(as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and I killed all but one of them.
-->'''Integra:''' What happened to the last one?
-->''(The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard [[SlasherSmile grins evilly]] while the gun goes off.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' Pussed out like a [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch!]] Silver lining? ''([[CrossesTheLineTwice shot of bloody corpses]])'' [[BloodyHilarious I can cancel my room service!]]
** After Integra has Alucard put Seras on the phone:
-->''(Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker)''
-->'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
-->'''Integra''': Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
-->'''Alucard''': ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( [[labelnote:barely audible conversation]]"Hey, y'got phone from *mumble*" "Why does she wanna talk?" "The fuck do I know? Just go talk to her, I'm going for a walk."[[/labelnote]])
-->'''Seras:''' 'Ello?
-->'''Integra:''' Whatever you do, do '''''not''''' let Alucard leave that room! Under ''any'' circumstance!
-->'''Seras:''' Actually, he just left. He said [[RunningGag he was goin' for a walk]]--
-->'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]
** Immediately followed by:
-->''*Alucard walks into the midst of a second SWAT team*''
-->'''Alucard:''' Hey guys, how's your health plan? ''*SWAT team opens fire*'' ''Apparently it's great!''
-->''*carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator*''
-->'''Integra:''' ''(wearily)'' Walter, be honest with me: what are looking at in terms of collateral?
-->'''Walter:''' Well...''*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses*'' the ''[[SociopathicHero Alucard]]'' amount.
* During the fight with the Dandy Man. All of the ''Franchise/YuGiOh'' jokes. All of them.
-->'''Alhambra:''' You activated my Trap Card. ''(finger snap)''\\
'''Alucard''': ''(as a ring of cards appears around him)'' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck OH BOY]]--''([[StuffBlowingUp KABOOM]])''\\
'''Alhambra''': ''(amused chuckle)''\\
'''Alucard:''' HEY DANDY DICK! ''(Cut to Alucard holding onto the wall of the hotel)'' You missed! ''(runs up the wall)'' [[Film/TheThreeStooges Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop]]!
** And Alucard's CallBack to it, right before laying a beating on Dandyman:
--> '''Alucard:''' Oh shame for you. You activated my [[IncrediblyLamePun Alu-Card.]]
* Integra's CombatCommentator role:
-->''(Dandy Man attacks Alucard and the missed attack brings more collateral damage)'' "[[BigOMG Oh my Go]]--WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS OUTSIDE?!"
-->''(Repeat above)'' "Well, at least he's [[TemptingFate just]] dodging them."
-->''(Alucard shoots at Dandy Man and the missed attacks hit more police officers)'' "Oh come on, that was on purpose!"
* What happens when Alucard drinks the Dandy Man's blood.
-->'''Alucard:''' Hey, Dandy Man.\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of pain)''\\
'''Alucard:''' You lost.\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of acknowledgment)''\\
'''Alucard:''' And now I have to read your mind...\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of confusion)''\\
'''Alucard:''' ...by drinking all your blood.\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of [[OhCrap fear]])''\\
'''Alucard:''' [[MemeticMutation OM NOM NOM NOM.]] ''(starts devouring Alhambra)''\\
''(Alucard's eyes going wide as the visions start)''\\
'''Alucard''': ''[[MushroomSamba The fuck is this?]]'' '''[[WhatDoYouMeanItWasntMadeOnDrugs The fuck is that?!]]''' '''''[[DerangedAnimation The fuck are THOSE?!]]'''''
** In case you're wondering, it's one of [[AdultSwim Adult Swim's]] programs, Off The Air. Specifically, the Animals episode. More specifically, It's the music video for Blockhead's The Music Scene.
*** And after he gets all of his memories:
--->'''Alucard''': ''(laughing maniacally while giving a SlowClap)''\\
'''Seras''': Master?\\
'''Alucard''': Hold on; I need to tweet about this...\\
''(Cut to Integra checking her Twitter feed, and coming across Alucard's timeline)''\\
'''[[{{Twitter}} @TheCrimsonFuckr]]''': [[AC: IT'S NAZIS! #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire]]\\
'''Integra''': ''(disgusted sigh)''\\
'''Walter''': Sir Integra, is something the matter?\\
'''Integra''': It's the fucking--\\
''(SmashCut to...)''\\
'''The Major''': '''[[IncomingHam NAZIS~!]]'''
* How Walter convinced Alucard to go to Brazil in the first place.
-->'''Walter:''' Did you know you have vacation days?
-->'''Alucard:''' I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
-->'''Walter:''' Quite...
-->'''Alucard:''' Well that settles it, I'm going traveling!
-->'''Walter:''' Yes, you can go anywhere you wish. ''Except'' for Brazil. Sir Integra was ''quite'' insistent that you ''never'' visit Brazil.
-->*''{{Beat}}''*
-->'''Alucard:''' [[MotorMouth Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman!]]
** Also, during the flight to Brazil:
-->'''Pip:''' So, where is the police girl?
-->'''Alucard:''' Oh, you know, she's downstairs.
-->'''Pip:''' ...Isn't that the cargo hold?
-->''[switches to a coffin strapped down to the floor of the plane]''
-->'''Seras:''' ''[inside the coffin]'' I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
* The conversation between the Major and Herr Doktor:
-->'''Doc:''' I'm so sorry, Major, for the failure of the Dandy Man.
-->'''Major:''' Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He was a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
-->'''Doc:''' But, Major, now that they know of our plans...
-->'''Major:''' Ah, Herr Doktor, but that ''is'' the plan. [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow Now that they know our plan, they will plan around our plans.]] [[InsaneTrollLogic And so we shall in turn plan around the plan that they are planning around our plan!]]
-->''({{beat}})''
-->'''Doc:''' Your brilliance knows no bounds!
-->'''Major:''' And regardless, we have one advantage that they sorely lack...'''ZEPPELINS!'''
* Scarlet Tampon's lamentable nickname:
-->"Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock: The Crimson Fuckr has checked in. I repeat: the Crimson Fuckr has checked in. Also, ''I'm'' choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."
** Soon followed by:
-->'''Alucard:''' Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
-->'''Scarlet Tampon:''' Shit shit shit!
* When Alucard and Alhambra meet:
-->'''Alhambra''': I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this[[hottip:*:launching a bunch of SWAT officers into the air and impaling them on flagpoles as he exits the hotel]]...I would have found some Union Jacks for you.[[hottip:*:the flags were plain white]]\\
'''Alucard''': ''(bashfully)'' Hold on! Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?\\
'''Alhambra''': ''(deep, flourishing bow)'' I am Tubalcain Alhambra...or, [[RedBaron "The Dandy Man"]]. I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality...\\
'''Alucard''': And they fucking bought that?!\\
'''Alhambra''': Like discount peixe.\\
'''Alucard''': ''([[ActuallyPrettyFunny legitimately amused]])'' You cheeky dick-waffle!
* Alucard hypnotizing a hotel employee:
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' There we are, a regular two-bed room.
--> '''Alucard:''' Hahaha, hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' I-I'm sorry sir, Mr. ChevyChase currently has that room reserved.
--> '''Alucard:''' ''*stretches out hand*'' '''I SAID...''' ''*Puts finger right between O'Brian's eyes*'' You want to give me the penthouse.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' [[CreepyMonotone I...want to give you the penthouse.]]
--> '''Alucard:''' And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' [[CreepyMonotone And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.]]
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(turns to Pip, casual tone)'' See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want! ''*back to hypnotizing O'Brian*'' ''WhiteChicks'' was amazing.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' ''[[CreepyMonotone White Chicks]]'' [[CreepyMonotone was amazing.]]
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(enthusiastic)'' He believes it, too!
--> '''Pip Bernadotte:''' ''(with the word "NO" repeated in the background)'' Ergh.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Episode 4]]
* The preview video for Episode 4 has Maxwell interrogating a priest who is spying on the Iscariot Organization for Millennium:
-->'''Maxwell:''' Due to the recent events, we have realized there is an informant within the Vatican. As such, we are opening up old case files in search of any members of the Church who may have...the greatest offenses on their records.\\
'''Priest:''' Well, I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!\\
'''Maxwell:''' Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?\\
'''Priest:''' ...[[PedophilePriest Amongst other things.]]\\
'''Maxwell:''' [[EvenEvilHasStandards Oh, they didn't.]] What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?\\
''[Priest stammers in fear]''\\
'''Maxwell:''' ''[[MyGodYouAreSerious Wow.]]''
* Tubalcain Alhambra reads the disclaimer. And ends it with telling the viewer to go suck their mother's [[CountryMatters cu-]]; it cuts right to the episode proper.
* The actual episode opens with Alucard making Integra admit he was right over the phone...and getting off to it.
-->'''Alucard''': Say it.\\
'''Integra''': Fuck you.\\
'''Alucard''': After you say it.\\
'''Integra''': You're ''really'' going to force me on this.\\
'''Alucard''': I'm at half-mast. I NEED to hear this!\\
'''Integra''': FINE! YOU WERE RIGHT.\\
'''Alucard''': ''(prolonged series of pleasurable groans and shudders)''\\
'''Integra''': JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND '''''DIE!''''' ''(slams the phone down)''\\
'''Alucard:''' Ohhhh...Houston, we have ''noooo problems''.
* Not even a second later, Anderson bursts through the door...
--> '''Alucard:''' Okay, dude, I just--I just finished. I'm-a need, like, 5 minutes over here to recha--''(gets decked by Anderson)'' NEVER MIND. WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
* Seras leads to a [[RefugeInAudacity hilariously awful]] reference back to episode 1.
-->'''Seras''': I've got him! ''[Anderson throws a [[CallBack bayonet near her head]] and she collapses on the spot in a horrified daze]''
-->'''Alucard''': Ah great, and now she's [[{{trigger}} triggered]]! Could be all day with it.
* After that is Anderson's orders, which are pretty normal with one exception...
--> '''Anderson:''' Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! And the woman!
--> '''Pip:''' ''[[GratuitousFrench Don]] [[FlatWhat quoi]]...''
--> '''Alucard''': Man...I don't know what I find funnier--the Catholic Church strongarming you into helping us, or the fact that ''you obviously haven't seen what I've done to [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christ_the_Redeemer_%28statue%29 the statue of Big J~!]]''
--> '''Anderson''': ...
--> ''(Cut to the statue of Christ the Redeemer, [[http://lolbot.net/pix/30345.png a rainbow-colored banner]] suspended between his outstretched hands reads [[AC:420yoloswag4jesus]])''
-->'''Anderson''': [[TheScream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!]]
** At the meeting later, one of Maxwell's men mentions they ''still'' haven't gotten the banner down.
-->'''Priest:''' "I think it's a constrictor knot."
* The sheer RefugeInAudacity of Queen Elizabeth II's lines. Every one of them.
--> '''Queen:''' Well, well, well. If it isn't Aly. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
--> '''Alucard:''' You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.
--> '''Queen:''' Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
--> '''Alucard:''' Ah, shut up you old hag, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I'd still wreck you like Diana.]]
--> '''Queen:''' ''*soft laughter*'' Oh, you know ''exactly'' what to say to moisten me up.
--> '''Sir Penwood:''' ''(offscreen)'' [[{{Squick}} ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!]]
** The Queen ''really'' wants to see The Major suffer...
-->'''Queen''': Integra, Alucard.\\
'''Alucard''': Yes, sugar-lips?\\
'''Queen''': ''(sweet, motherly voice)'' When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it. So I can fall asleep to it every night.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Alucard''': JESUS ''FUCKING '''CHRIST I'VE MISSED YOU!'''''\\
'''Maxwell:''' HEY!\\
'''Alucard:''' Oh, shut up.
* Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II...when he was a girl for some reason.
-->''''Reggie':''' [[FridgeLogic Wait a second, then that implies that the Queen]]--\\
'''Alucard:''' INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
** Made even funnier by the fact that this ''was not just a joke.'' Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, ''Hellsing: The Dawn'', which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an ''incredibly'' [[http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100419025953/hellsing/images/5/52/Hellsing-_The_Dawn.jpg effeminate appearance]] during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is ''shorter than he is.''
* Rip Van Winkle. 'Nuff said.
** Rip talking with Commander Violet.
-->'''Commander Violet:''' So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.\\
'''Rip Van Winkle:''' Oh, ''danke schön'', Captain. Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them in to ghouls, betraying your family ''und'' country? All for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?\\
'''Commander Violet:''' ...Wow. Uh, when you put it like that, [[BeingEvilSucks I feel like kind of a cunt.]]
** Rip starts to sing 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Really.
--> '''Nazi 1:''' The hell is she singing ''now?''
--> '''Nazi 2:''' I have no idea. I think it was popular a couple years back.
--> '''Nazi 3:''' At least she is no longer going on about [[WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic the ponies and the friendship and the wrapping of the winter!]]
*** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djG0j3bpCLQ It got a full version.]]
** Rip embodies all the randomness of Tumblr.
-->'''Rip:''' Rainbow, tacos, Series/DoctorWho, Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}!
** She also painted [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} "The cake is a lie"]] (in blood) on the aircraft carrier she hijacked. Only one person gets the reference.
-->'''Dude Who Gets The Reference[[note]](And yes, that's how he's credited in the description)[[/note]]:''' And that was ''Portal'', by the way. That's ''Portal''. That's...where it's from.
** Even the PreAsskickingOneLiner Alucard gives before finishing off Rip is hilarious.
-->'''Alucard''': The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, ''I hate everyone equally'', and there's ''NO ONE ALIVE'' who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, ''Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!'' *''clocks her one''*
* When Integra wonders out loud why would Alucard know so much about the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_SR-71_Blackbird SR-71 Blackbird]]:
--> '''Alucard''': DO YOU EVEN ''READ'' MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
* Schroedinger at the meeting.
** First, Alucard's reaction to him.
-->'''Alucard:''' Ah. The return of the [[DudeLooksLikeALady "why" boner]]. ''With a vengeance!''
** Everyone is wondering how he got in.
-->'''Integra:''' How did he get in here?\\
'''Walter:''' We had over a dozen guards.\\
'''Alucard:''' Those were ours? I mean, Oh my God! How did he get through the guards?!
** Then his attempts at getting the T.V. to work.
-->'''Major:''' Schroedinger?\\
'''Schroedinger:''' It's not working, Major!\\
'''Major:''' Did you click T.V., then Power?\\
'''Schroedinger:''' Oh, wait, I'm on Video 2.\\
'''Major:''' ''Nein'', Video 1!
** Then he/she hits on Seras:
-->'''Schroedinger:''' Fraulein. Fraulein! FRAULEIN! ''HEY, FRAULEIN!''\\
'''Seras:''' Oi!\\
'''Schroedinger:''' We would make beautiful children.\\
''(Seras blushes and Alucard shoots Schroedinger [[LudicrousGibs in the face]])''\\
'''Alucard:''' Was that [[AmbiguousGender boy-girl]] bugging you?\\
'''Major:''' And like that, the war begins.\\
'''Alucard:''' Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?\\
'''Integra:''' Police Girl?\\
''(Seras shoots the Major's T.V. with the Harknonen)''\\
'''Seras:''' ''(Internal monologue)'' Huh. [[JerkassHasAPoint They would look rather nice, actually.]]
* Alucard ''busting into the meeting'' with Meredith Brooks' ''Bitch'' playing from his phone. Everyone's expressions (''especially'' Maxwell's) are what completely sell this moment.
-->'''Alucard''': Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...
** Made funnier by the fact that you can hear Alucard arguing with either Seras or Pip (most likely [[ButtMonkey Seras]]) about having forgotten the song right before they bust in.
--> '''Alucard''': Okay, screw it! Just take my phone and [[TemptingFate hit random!]]
*** Also, keep in mind that Alucard is busting in to meet the Queen, his old flame in the '40s... when he was a ''girl'', for some reason.
* When the Major finally comes into focus on the mini-TV Schroedinger brought, Alucard completely loses it and doubles over laughing, because...
-->'''Alucard:''' HE'S STILL SO FUCKING FAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! He's like a Nazi LouisCK! HAHAHAHA! No! No! JimGaffigan! JimGaffigan! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
** After Alucard finally manages to calm down and the Major continues unveiling his plan, Integra completely destroys his attempt to reveal what they already know:
-->'''The Major:''' Now, I'm sure you're all chomping at the bit to find out what we have in store for you, ''nein''?
-->'''Integra:''' Nazi army.
-->'''The Major:''' ...Wow, just kill all the fun. [[{{Hypocrite}} Put the fun in camps]], why don't you?
-->'''Alucard:''' Yeah, ya Fun-Nazi.
-->'''Integra:''' GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!
** Later, when the Major and Herr Doktor are discussing meeting:
-->'''Herr Doktor:''' Well, Major, I think that went well.\\
'''Major:''' You ''think'' it went well? Herr Doktor, I was there. And much like our former boss--\\
''(Camera shifts to a bound and gagged Nazi officer being killed by Vampires)''\\
'''Major:''' I ''[[RefugeInAudacity killed]]'' it!
* Anderson and Maxwell discuss their alliance with Hellsing is simultaneously funny and badass for how insanely bloodthirsty Anderson is.
-->'''Maxwell''': Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.\\
'''Anderson''': Then knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.\\
'''Maxwelll''': ...I do not know the metaphor which you draw, but regardless we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God!\\
'''Anderson''': Oh I see. So this...is a CRUSADE!\\
'''Maxwelll''': No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it...ah...damn, what do the American cows say?\\
'''Anderson''': Peacekeeping?\\
'''Maxwell''': Right! Now, shall we ''keep the peace?''\\
'''Millenium Mooks''': For Millenium! ''(Anderson kills them all)''\\
'''Anderson''': Only until it's time to slide in the knife!\\
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Other]]
* [[https://twitter.com/TheCrimsonFuckr Alucard's twitter]] is a veritable goldmine of hilarity.
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' Just tried to get through airport security out of Brazil. Nope.
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' Think it might have somethin' t'do with the fact that YOU WERE FILMED SLAUGTERIN' PEOPLE?
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' [[LlamasWithHats I will not apologize for art.]]
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' And you've been watchin' too many popular internet videos.
* Police Girl's has some funny bits too.
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' Poor Walter was upset [Alucard] was getting blood everywhere, so Master decided to roll about on the floor and against the walls.
* Alucard's response to the Pope stepping down. (CallBack his letters to the Pope)
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' [[EarWorm NA NA NA NA! NA NA NA NA! HEEE~Y! GOODBYE!]]
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' Oh why d'you have to be so bloody loud so early? Blimey..!
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' Because I won. Shut up.
[[/folder]]
----
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder: Episode 1]]
* The BaitAndSwitchCredits involving OnePiece.
* During the first few minutes of the series, Alucard kills [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Edward]] [[TakeThat Cullen]]. Also doubles as a MomentOfAwesome.
-->'''Edward Cullen''': ''(Answers the door)'' Who is it?
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, you know... ''(Shoots Edward Cullen ''37 times'')'' [[TakeThat A real fuckin' vampire!]]
* Alucard annoying Seras to "take the shot".
-->'''Seras''': There! I took the ''fucking'' shot! She's dead! [[OverdrawnAtTheBloodBank There's blood everywhere]]!\\
'''Alucard''': ''(delighted)'' Oh, you are just a ''treat''.
* This exchange--
-->'''Vampire Priest''': Are you mocking me?
-->'''Alucard''': [[SarcasmMode Oh, no. No, no, no, no...]] ''(Scoffs)'' Yeah! ''(Shoots the vampire priest)''
-->'''BonJovi''': ''[[ThemeMusicPowerUp Shot through the heart!]]''
* "Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree..."
** "Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blond eviscerated puppy."
* The "field report"-
-->'''Integra''': So, that's your field report?
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': You went for walk in the forest at midnight?
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': You killed a homicidal vampire priest?
-->'''Alucard''': Dead.
-->'''Integra''': ...And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a--
-->'''Both''': Big-tittied police girl.
** The current mission's "field report"-
-->'''Integra''': So, that's your field report?
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': So, you broke into the house-
-->'''Alucard''': Yup.
-->'''Integra''': And you shot him thirty-six times--
-->'''Alucard''': Thirty-''seven''.
-->'''Integra''': And took out his partner--
-->'''Alucard''': To be fair, that was the Police Girl--
-->'''Integra''': --With the big titties. ''({{Beat}})'' You need to stop going on "walks".
* Also:
--> '''Alucard:''' I take enthusiastic walks.
--> '''Integra:''' And kill homicidal vampire priests...
--> '''Alucard:''' ''Very'' enthusiastic walks.
* "Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like ''HouseOfTheDead'', only like, 100 times more awesome!"
** Made even funnier due to the whole scene showing Seras with a bored look on her face rather than Alucard's joy-fueled carnage.
*** Then when Seras finally ''does'' join in, Alucard gives us this line:
-->'''Alucard''': Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that ''beast'' of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes!
-->''[[DoesThisRemindYouofAnything (Seras gets stabbed repeatedly by Anderson)]]''
-->'''Alucard''': Well, kinda like that, [[DontExplainTheJoke only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina]].
* Then when Anderson appears:
-->'''Alucard''': ''(Sniff sniff)'' Huh? Suddenly it reeks of ''hypocrisy'' in here.
-->''(Anderson turns the corner)''
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? ''Progress!''
* ''All'' of the interaction between Alucard and Anderson.
** Alucard calling Anderson out on quoting ''{{The Boondock Saints}}''
--> '''Alucard:''' "[[PunctuatedForEmphasis Boon. Dock. Saints.]] I mean, seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. ''(chuckles)'' Get it?"
** In particular, this exchange after Alucard ''regrows his head'' right in front of Anderson.
-->'''Alucard''': ...you done goofed.
-->'''Anderson''': How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do ''that?!''
-->'''Alucard''': Fuck you, that's how.
* This earlier exchange between Alucard and Integra:
--> '''Integra''': Sweet Christ...just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the Police Girl with you.
--> '''Alucard''': Aw, come on! I have to bring her ''everywhere!''
--> '''Integra''': Ah, ah, ah! None of the sass.
--> '''Alucard''': Yes, ''mom''!
* "I'm a [[{{Spoonerism}} fuckmothering]] vampire!"
* ''"Police Girl! Poliiice giiiirl!! You're reading your master's mind! Put [[LosingYourHead my head]] [[AllMenArePerverts between]] [[BuxomIsBetter your booooooooobs!]]"''
** ''([[MarshmallowHell muffled]])'' ''"Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is...put me between your le--"'' ''(gets PinnedToTheWall by a bayonet; ceases to be muffled)'' ''"Goddammit!"''
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Episode 2]]
* Anderson reading the legal disclaimer:
-->"...so please support the official release...ye Protestant fuckbucket."
* Alucard's casual reaction to Luke's [[DynamicEntry first appearance]]
-->'''Alucard''': That was a 70-inch...Plasma screen TV. ''([[TranquilFury inhales deeply]])'' [[DissonantSerenity SO, HOW CAN I HELP YOU]]?
* Alucard reports back about his mission in Japan:
-->'''Alucard''': "Eh, I'd say about ninety-nine...point nine percent done..."
-->''*[[HighSchoolOfTheDead cut to a high school opening up.]]*''
** Which doubles as Fridge Brilliance from the huge implication that Alucard's the entire reason for that very series happening in the first place.
* This exchange between Alucard and Luke.
-->'''Luke''': I'm Luke Valentine.
-->'''Alucard''': [[SarcasmMode And I'm]] CarmenSandiego. [[SarcasmMode GUESS WHERE I AM!]]
-->'''Luke''': I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
-->'''Alucard''': Oh, [[SarcasmMode so am I]], and I'm failing, and [[BlatantLies I'm sorry for that]]. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
-->''*Mexican standoff ensues*''
-->'''Alucard''': Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?
** And not just that exchange--that entire scene with Luke and Alucard is basically one long Crowning Moment of Funny from beginning to end.
* Alucard watching ''WesternAnimation/AdventureTime''.
* Somehow, Jan is even ''more'' hilarious than he is in the actual series.
-->'''Jan''': Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! ''(Ghoul groans)''
* The ''entire'' scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen.
* During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:
-->'''Jan''': Read the fucking paper.
-->'''Communications officer''': ''(Whimpering)'' "H-hey there, Integra--"
-->'''Jan''': READ IT FUCKING RIGHT, ''COCKHOLE!!'' ''(SLAP!)''
-->'''Communications officer''': "HEEY THERE, you fat...English...whore..."
-->'''Jan''': ''That's'' more like it. Now keep going.
-->'''Communications officer''': "Me...and my big brother Luke, are killing...all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace...with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." Oh God...
-->'''Jan''': Keep reading or ''I shoot the other testicle!''
-->'''Communications officer''': "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." ''(breaks down)'' "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood...and semen." Oh God, this is horrible!
-->'''Jan''': You ain't finished yet!
-->'''Communications officer''': "So prepare your dried-out pussy...for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out''[[OhCrap OHGODNO!!]]'' ''('''BLAM!!!''')''
-->'''Jan''': Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh, now that shit is ''priceless!'' (''Hangs up'')
** The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
* Alucard's line at the end. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!".
** Now in [[http://sharkrobot.com/t-shirts-c-17/bitch-i-eat-people T-shirt form!!]]
* Jan's lines before the attack on the mansion:
-->'''Jan''': ...And we came all the way out here, with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
-->'''[[RedShirt Hellsing Guard]]''': Where from?
-->''(Loads of guns pop out from the bus's window)''
-->'''Jan''': Texas! ''(snaps fingers)''
-->''(Guard gets [[MoreDakka mulched by bullets]])''
-->'''Jan''': Well, shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.
* Jan's reaction to Police Girl's new gun.
-->'''Jan''': [[DoubleTake Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH]] ''[[DoubleTake FUCK]]''[[DoubleTake , THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!]]
* Alucard's response when Integra tries to stop him from going on another "walk":
-->'''Alucard''': What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name...Michael [=McDoesntExist=]?
* "WE'RE HERE ON WebVideo/{{EPIC MEAL TIME}}! I'M SAUCE BOSS AND TONIGHT WE'RE EATING THIS BLONDE LITTLE WANNABE DEMI-GOD BITCH!"
* Alucard's request for what Integra should get Seras as part of his bribe.
-->'''Alucard''': Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches ''love'' cannons!
** As well as Seras' CallBack when she finally uses her new anti-tank rifle:
-->'''Seras''': ''(staring down the sights at Jan and his ghouls)'' [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome Bitches love cannons.]] ''('''KABOOM!!''')''
** Jan's reveal:
-->'''Jan''': ''(on fucking fire)'' The one who sent me was...''Naaaaaziiiiiis.''
-->'''Integra''': I heard GeorgeLucas. Who else heard GeorgeLucas?
-->'''Walter''': I heard Miami Heat.
-->'''Seras''': I heard The Music/MotleyCrue with my vampire hearing.
* "[[ComicStrip/TheBoondocks YOU WERE TALKING ALL THAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO]], THEN I BLEW YOUR FUCKING LEGS OFF!!!"
* Integra convincing the 12 to restore Hellsing's funding...courtesy of Alucard.
* This exchange:
-->'''Alucard''': "And just like that, everything turned out alright in the end."
-->'''Integra''':"[[SarcasmMode Yes, everything turned out just fine]], except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a [[TheBerserker Blood Rage]]."
-->'''Seras''': "What's a Blood Rage? [[LaserGuidedAmnesia And why don't I remember anything?]]"
* Seras gets her DeadpanSnarker on:
--> '''Walter:''' "Very well done, Miss Victoria. Where did you learn to do that?"
--> '''Seras:''' ''(while holding down Jan)'' "[[SarcasmMode Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a POLICE GIRL or something!]]"
--> '''Walter:''' "[[DontExplainTheJoke Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Episode 3]]
* The preview for Episode 3:
-->'''Seras''': Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
-->'''Alucard''': GOOD!!
** Also...
-->'''Alucard''': **''EvilLaugh''** Oh {{Marmaduke}}, you can't ride a bike; you're a dog.
* Jan is brought back to life... to read the legal credits that open up every episode.
-->'''Jan:''' "The following is a fan-based parody. ''Hellsing Ultimate'' is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse--" The fuck is this!? You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit? No, no, no, no, no. '''Fuck. That.''' If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kind of fucking line. Ahem. [[CrossesTheLineTwice My throbbing vampire dick is a fan-based parody. Its shaft, balls, and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its official release. You know you want to.]]
* The start of Episode 3 has one of the most hilarious uses of an old punchline possible.
-->'''Sir Hellsing''': Vampire King...you lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed ''hundreds of thousands'', countless villages ''razed'' to the ground, '''and over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone, to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men!''' WHAT SAY YOU, MONSTER! DEMON! DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLEAKEST WOMB! WHAT SAY YOU ''NOW''!?
-->'''Alucard''': .....[[spoiler:{{The Aristocrats}}.]]
* The ending for Episode 3. [[spoiler:[[https://twitter.com/TheCrimsonFuckr Alucard tweets it.]]]]
** Also, the advantage that Millennium has over Hellsing: '''''[[spoiler: ZEPPELINS!]]'''''
* "Jesus wants a hug!"
* Alucard meeting Pip and Company:
-->'''Pip:''' Is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
-->'''Integra:''' Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing--
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(phasing through the wall)'' HEYKIDSWANNASEEADEADBODY!?!
-->'''The Wild Geese:''' '''''[[GirlyScream AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!]]'''''
-->''[Opening credits play, then return to the Wild Geese still screaming]''
-->'''Integra:''' STOP SCREAMING!
-->''[The Wild Geese stop, with dog whining heard]''
** Directly following that:
-->'''Alucard:''' So, whats up with the Pride meeting?\\
'''Integra:''' They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers--\\
'''Alucard:''' Wait. Are these guys ''French?''\\
'''Integra:''' We were forced to post [[RedShirt mortality rates]]. They're the only ones who applied.\\
'''Alucard:''' We're ''really'' scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
* Walter's attempt to stop Alucard:
-->'''Walter:''' Sir Integra, I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with--and pardon my French, no offense--
-->'''Pip:''' Some taken.
-->'''Walter:''' --"Fuck the police." [[PokeThePoodle He then proceeded to]] [[FelonyMisdemeanor tilt every painting he passed on the way here.]]
-->'''Alucard:''' [[EvilLaugh HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]]
-->'''Integra:''' ''(Sigh)'' Oh God...walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
* Integra and Maxwell meet:
-->'''Integra:''' Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian piece of sh--''[[[SmashCut Switches to museum]]]'' Maxwell! Oh, it's been ''far'' too long.
-->'''Maxwell:''' I agree! You're no longer that little girl I used to know; ''(takes off his glasses)'' look at all those lines on your face.
-->'''Integra:''' And look at all the brown on your nose! How ''is'' the Pope doing?
-->'''Maxwell:''' Better than your failing church.
-->'''Integra:''' Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
-->'''Maxwell:''' But you don't waste time making money off of Rupert Murdoch!
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(phasing through the wall)'' Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started out with the world's cruelest handicap....which I'm sure benefits the nine-year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God. ''[[PedophilePriest All over his back]].''
-->'''Maxwell:''' ''([[FreakOut losing his shit]], [[AGlassInTheHand shattering his glasses]])'' '''[[SayMyName ANDERSOOOOOOOOOON]]!!!'''
-->''(Anderson appears at the end of the hallway)''
-->'''Anderson:''' ''(drawing his holy knives)'' SERVE THE LORD WITH FEAR AND REJOICE WITH TREMBLING.
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(drawing his guns, [[SlasherSmile overjoyed]])'' YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?!
* Alucard and Anderson's rematch gets sidetracked when [[BavarianFireDrill Seras leads a tour group consisting of old people directly in their path]].
-->'''Alucard and Anderson''': ''([[EvilLaugh borderline insane laughter as they]] [[MexicanStandoff stare one another down]])''
-->'''Seras''': ''(appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks)'' Right this way, Group B! That's right, ''right'' in front of everybody else; [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior you're eighty, you're used to it!]] We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!
-->'''Alucard''': Uh...welp, my boner's gone.
-->'''Anderson''': Aye, kind of a mood-killer.
-->'''Alucard''': Wanna try this again some other time?
-->'''Anderson''': Of course! Kill you later, you monstrous heathen.
-->'''Alucard''': You too, ya Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
** Made all the funnier by the fact that the [[{{Homestuck}} Squiddles]] theme is playing in the background.
* Alucard's letter to the Pope:
-->Dear Chief Replacement,
-->I wanted to send you this [[BlatantLies friendly]] little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
-->That's right.
-->I'm going to '''FUCK''' the fear turkey.
-->Follow me [[https://twitter.com/TheCrimsonFuckr @theCrimsonFuckr!]]
-->Sincerely, Alucard
** Integra's reaction:
--> '''Integra:''' I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
** Also, the very fact Alucard writes a violent death threat to the pope every couple of days and sends it personally. "By carrier pigeon, no less!"
** [[HilariousInHindsight However, the real cherry-on-top with this joke is that the real-life Pope has recently announced his plans to resign! Why, you ask? He's concerned about his health!]] Alucard's Twitter has a field day with it.
* When the situation in Brazil happens, Integra takes Alucard's involvement in the whole debacle about as well as you'd expect. Not only does Alucard take pride in saying how he's gonna relax, but the jarring SmashCut to the news report aftermath just makes it funnier.
-->'''Alucard''': Now that I'm all by myself, [[TemptingFate I can just kick back and reeeeel]]--
-->''(SmashCut to a news report several hours later)''
-->'''Reporter''': ...Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. ''(While the newscast is going on, Pip does a massive SpitTake while he watches and Anderson starts cackling like a madman)'' The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some OzzyOsbourne looking motherfucker...
-->'''Integra''' ''(seething with rage)'': On the phone. Get him on the phone. I want him on the phone RIGHT NOW!!
-->'''Alucard:''' ''(among all the bodies)'' Hold on a minute; I gotta take this. ''(cuts the music and picks up the phone)'' M'yello~?
-->'''Integra:''' What. Did you do.
-->'''Alucard:''' ...Alright. But you can't be mad at me.
-->'''Integra:''' WHAT. DID YOU DO.
-->'''Alucard:''' Okay, ''first''...I was minding my own business--
-->'''Integra:''' ''(slams her hand into the table)'' BULLSHIT!
-->'''Alucard:''' (''Whiny tone of voice'') [[NotMeThisTime I waaaaas!]]
-->'''Integra:''' And exactly ''what'' happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?!
-->'''Alucard:''' Well, I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller...when all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
-->''(SWAT officers pour into the room and take aim at Alucard)''
-->'''Alucard:''' One of them yelled out--
-->'''Flashback!SWAT:''' Get on your knees!
-->'''Alucard:''' And I responded with--
-->'''Flashback!Alucard:''' [[YourMom I'm not your mother last night!]]
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and [[{{Understatement}} they took exception to that]].
-->''(SWAT officers start screaming like maniacs as [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill they open full auto on Alucard, reducing him to the consistency of mincemeat pie]])''
-->'''Alucard:''' But [[GoodThingYouCanHeal you know how THAT song-and-dance goes]]...
-->''(as the SWAT officers try to leave, Alucard reconstitutes and starts devouring them.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' ...and I killed all but one of them.
-->'''Integra:''' What happened to the last one?
-->''(The last SWAT agent shakily raises his sidearm to his head. Alucard [[SlasherSmile grins evilly]] while the gun goes off.)''
-->'''Alucard:''' Pussed out like a [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch!]] Silver lining? ''([[CrossesTheLineTwice shot of bloody corpses]])'' [[BloodyHilarious I can cancel my room service!]]
** After Integra has Alucard put Seras on the phone:
-->''(Integra stares at the phone as loud, noisy chewing is heard over the speaker)''
-->'''Alucard''': ''(with his mouth full)'' You've been, like, really quiet for like, five minutes...''(loud, noisy chewing)'' Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
-->'''Integra''': Alucard, put the police girl on the phone.
-->'''Alucard''': ...Really? You want to talk to...okay, fine! Whatever! ( [[labelnote:barely audible conversation]]"Hey, y'got phone from *mumble*" "Why does she wanna talk?" "The fuck do I know? Just go talk to her, I'm going for a walk."[[/labelnote]])
-->'''Seras:''' 'Ello?
-->'''Integra:''' Whatever you do, do '''''not''''' let Alucard leave that room! Under ''any'' circumstance!
-->'''Seras:''' Actually, he just left. He said [[RunningGag he was goin' for a walk]]--
-->'''[[OhCrap Integra:]]''' [[BigNO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]
** Immediately followed by:
-->''*Alucard walks into the midst of a second SWAT team*''
-->'''Alucard:''' Hey guys, how's your health plan? ''*SWAT team opens fire*'' ''Apparently it's great!''
-->''*carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator*''
-->'''Integra:''' ''(wearily)'' Walter, be honest with me: what are looking at in terms of collateral?
-->'''Walter:''' Well...''*Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses*'' the ''[[SociopathicHero Alucard]]'' amount.
* During the fight with the Dandy Man. All of the ''Franchise/YuGiOh'' jokes. All of them.
-->'''Alhambra:''' You activated my Trap Card. ''(finger snap)''\\
'''Alucard''': ''(as a ring of cards appears around him)'' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck OH BOY]]--''([[StuffBlowingUp KABOOM]])''\\
'''Alhambra''': ''(amused chuckle)''\\
'''Alucard:''' HEY DANDY DICK! ''(Cut to Alucard holding onto the wall of the hotel)'' You missed! ''(runs up the wall)'' [[Film/TheThreeStooges Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop]]!
** And Alucard's CallBack to it, right before laying a beating on Dandyman:
--> '''Alucard:''' Oh shame for you. You activated my [[IncrediblyLamePun Alu-Card.]]
* Integra's CombatCommentator role:
-->''(Dandy Man attacks Alucard and the missed attack brings more collateral damage)'' "[[BigOMG Oh my Go]]--WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS OUTSIDE?!"
-->''(Repeat above)'' "Well, at least he's [[TemptingFate just]] dodging them."
-->''(Alucard shoots at Dandy Man and the missed attacks hit more police officers)'' "Oh come on, that was on purpose!"
* What happens when Alucard drinks the Dandy Man's blood.
-->'''Alucard:''' Hey, Dandy Man.\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of pain)''\\
'''Alucard:''' You lost.\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of acknowledgment)''\\
'''Alucard:''' And now I have to read your mind...\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of confusion)''\\
'''Alucard:''' ...by drinking all your blood.\\
'''Alhambra:''' ''(whimper of [[OhCrap fear]])''\\
'''Alucard:''' [[MemeticMutation OM NOM NOM NOM.]] ''(starts devouring Alhambra)''\\
''(Alucard's eyes going wide as the visions start)''\\
'''Alucard''': ''[[MushroomSamba The fuck is this?]]'' '''[[WhatDoYouMeanItWasntMadeOnDrugs The fuck is that?!]]''' '''''[[DerangedAnimation The fuck are THOSE?!]]'''''
** In case you're wondering, it's one of [[AdultSwim Adult Swim's]] programs, Off The Air. Specifically, the Animals episode. More specifically, It's the music video for Blockhead's The Music Scene.
*** And after he gets all of his memories:
--->'''Alucard''': ''(laughing maniacally while giving a SlowClap)''\\
'''Seras''': Master?\\
'''Alucard''': Hold on; I need to tweet about this...\\
''(Cut to Integra checking her Twitter feed, and coming across Alucard's timeline)''\\
'''[[{{Twitter}} @TheCrimsonFuckr]]''': [[AC: IT'S NAZIS! #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire]]\\
'''Integra''': ''(disgusted sigh)''\\
'''Walter''': Sir Integra, is something the matter?\\
'''Integra''': It's the fucking--\\
''(SmashCut to...)''\\
'''The Major''': '''[[IncomingHam NAZIS~!]]'''
* How Walter convinced Alucard to go to Brazil in the first place.
-->'''Walter:''' Did you know you have vacation days?
-->'''Alucard:''' I have vacation days?! You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone. Also because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
-->'''Walter:''' Quite...
-->'''Alucard:''' Well that settles it, I'm going traveling!
-->'''Walter:''' Yes, you can go anywhere you wish. ''Except'' for Brazil. Sir Integra was ''quite'' insistent that you ''never'' visit Brazil.
-->*''{{Beat}}''*
-->'''Alucard:''' [[MotorMouth Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman!]]
** Also, during the flight to Brazil:
-->'''Pip:''' So, where is the police girl?
-->'''Alucard:''' Oh, you know, she's downstairs.
-->'''Pip:''' ...Isn't that the cargo hold?
-->''[switches to a coffin strapped down to the floor of the plane]''
-->'''Seras:''' ''[inside the coffin]'' I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
* The conversation between the Major and Herr Doktor:
-->'''Doc:''' I'm so sorry, Major, for the failure of the Dandy Man.
-->'''Major:''' Oh, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He was a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
-->'''Doc:''' But, Major, now that they know of our plans...
-->'''Major:''' Ah, Herr Doktor, but that ''is'' the plan. [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow Now that they know our plan, they will plan around our plans.]] [[InsaneTrollLogic And so we shall in turn plan around the plan that they are planning around our plan!]]
-->''({{beat}})''
-->'''Doc:''' Your brilliance knows no bounds!
-->'''Major:''' And regardless, we have one advantage that they sorely lack...'''ZEPPELINS!'''
* Scarlet Tampon's lamentable nickname:
-->"Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock: The Crimson Fuckr has checked in. I repeat: the Crimson Fuckr has checked in. Also, ''I'm'' choosing the goddamn nicknames next time."
** Soon followed by:
-->'''Alucard:''' Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!
-->'''Scarlet Tampon:''' Shit shit shit!
* When Alucard and Alhambra meet:
-->'''Alhambra''': I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this[[hottip:*:launching a bunch of SWAT officers into the air and impaling them on flagpoles as he exits the hotel]]...I would have found some Union Jacks for you.[[hottip:*:the flags were plain white]]\\
'''Alucard''': ''(bashfully)'' Hold on! Did you put all this on for me? Who are you?\\
'''Alhambra''': ''(deep, flourishing bow)'' I am Tubalcain Alhambra...or, [[RedBaron "The Dandy Man"]]. I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality...\\
'''Alucard''': And they fucking bought that?!\\
'''Alhambra''': Like discount peixe.\\
'''Alucard''': ''([[ActuallyPrettyFunny legitimately amused]])'' You cheeky dick-waffle!
* Alucard hypnotizing a hotel employee:
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' There we are, a regular two-bed room.
--> '''Alucard:''' Hahaha, hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' I-I'm sorry sir, Mr. ChevyChase currently has that room reserved.
--> '''Alucard:''' ''*stretches out hand*'' '''I SAID...''' ''*Puts finger right between O'Brian's eyes*'' You want to give me the penthouse.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' [[CreepyMonotone I...want to give you the penthouse.]]
--> '''Alucard:''' And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' [[CreepyMonotone And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.]]
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(turns to Pip, casual tone)'' See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want! ''*back to hypnotizing O'Brian*'' ''WhiteChicks'' was amazing.
--> '''Bishounen O'Brian:''' ''[[CreepyMonotone White Chicks]]'' [[CreepyMonotone was amazing.]]
--> '''Alucard:''' ''(enthusiastic)'' He believes it, too!
--> '''Pip Bernadotte:''' ''(with the word "NO" repeated in the background)'' Ergh.
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Episode 4]]
* The preview video for Episode 4 has Maxwell interrogating a priest who is spying on the Iscariot Organization for Millennium:
-->'''Maxwell:''' Due to the recent events, we have realized there is an informant within the Vatican. As such, we are opening up old case files in search of any members of the Church who may have...the greatest offenses on their records.\\
'''Priest:''' Well, I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!\\
'''Maxwell:''' Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?\\
'''Priest:''' ...[[PedophilePriest Amongst other things.]]\\
'''Maxwell:''' [[EvenEvilHasStandards Oh, they didn't.]] What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?\\
''[Priest stammers in fear]''\\
'''Maxwell:''' ''[[MyGodYouAreSerious Wow.]]''
* Tubalcain Alhambra reads the disclaimer. And ends it with telling the viewer to go suck their mother's [[CountryMatters cu-]]; it cuts right to the episode proper.
* The actual episode opens with Alucard making Integra admit he was right over the phone...and getting off to it.
-->'''Alucard''': Say it.\\
'''Integra''': Fuck you.\\
'''Alucard''': After you say it.\\
'''Integra''': You're ''really'' going to force me on this.\\
'''Alucard''': I'm at half-mast. I NEED to hear this!\\
'''Integra''': FINE! YOU WERE RIGHT.\\
'''Alucard''': ''(prolonged series of pleasurable groans and shudders)''\\
'''Integra''': JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND '''''DIE!''''' ''(slams the phone down)''\\
'''Alucard:''' Ohhhh...Houston, we have ''noooo problems''.
* Not even a second later, Anderson bursts through the door...
--> '''Alucard:''' Okay, dude, I just--I just finished. I'm-a need, like, 5 minutes over here to recha--''(gets decked by Anderson)'' NEVER MIND. WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
* Seras leads to a [[RefugeInAudacity hilariously awful]] reference back to episode 1.
-->'''Seras''': I've got him! ''[Anderson throws a [[CallBack bayonet near her head]] and she collapses on the spot in a horrified daze]''
-->'''Alucard''': Ah great, and now she's [[{{trigger}} triggered]]! Could be all day with it.
* After that is Anderson's orders, which are pretty normal with one exception...
--> '''Anderson:''' Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! And the woman!
--> '''Pip:''' ''[[GratuitousFrench Don]] [[FlatWhat quoi]]...''
--> '''Alucard''': Man...I don't know what I find funnier--the Catholic Church strongarming you into helping us, or the fact that ''you obviously haven't seen what I've done to [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christ_the_Redeemer_%28statue%29 the statue of Big J~!]]''
--> '''Anderson''': ...
--> ''(Cut to the statue of Christ the Redeemer, [[http://lolbot.net/pix/30345.png a rainbow-colored banner]] suspended between his outstretched hands reads [[AC:420yoloswag4jesus]])''
-->'''Anderson''': [[TheScream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!]]
** At the meeting later, one of Maxwell's men mentions they ''still'' haven't gotten the banner down.
-->'''Priest:''' "I think it's a constrictor knot."
* The sheer RefugeInAudacity of Queen Elizabeth II's lines. Every one of them.
--> '''Queen:''' Well, well, well. If it isn't Aly. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.
--> '''Alucard:''' You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.
--> '''Queen:''' Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...
--> '''Alucard:''' Ah, shut up you old hag, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I'd still wreck you like Diana.]]
--> '''Queen:''' ''*soft laughter*'' Oh, you know ''exactly'' what to say to moisten me up.
--> '''Sir Penwood:''' ''(offscreen)'' [[{{Squick}} ARGH! I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!]]
** The Queen ''really'' wants to see The Major suffer...
-->'''Queen''': Integra, Alucard.\\
'''Alucard''': Yes, sugar-lips?\\
'''Queen''': ''(sweet, motherly voice)'' When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it. So I can fall asleep to it every night.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Alucard''': JESUS ''FUCKING '''CHRIST I'VE MISSED YOU!'''''\\
'''Maxwell:''' HEY!\\
'''Alucard:''' Oh, shut up.
* Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II...when he was a girl for some reason.
-->''''Reggie':''' [[FridgeLogic Wait a second, then that implies that the Queen]]--\\
'''Alucard:''' INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
** Made even funnier by the fact that this ''was not just a joke.'' Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, ''Hellsing: The Dawn'', which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an ''incredibly'' [[http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100419025953/hellsing/images/5/52/Hellsing-_The_Dawn.jpg effeminate appearance]] during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is ''shorter than he is.''
* Rip Van Winkle. 'Nuff said.
** Rip talking with Commander Violet.
-->'''Commander Violet:''' So, the ship is under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.\\
'''Rip Van Winkle:''' Oh, ''danke schön'', Captain. Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them in to ghouls, betraying your family ''und'' country? All for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?\\
'''Commander Violet:''' ...Wow. Uh, when you put it like that, [[BeingEvilSucks I feel like kind of a cunt.]]
** Rip starts to sing 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Really.
--> '''Nazi 1:''' The hell is she singing ''now?''
--> '''Nazi 2:''' I have no idea. I think it was popular a couple years back.
--> '''Nazi 3:''' At least she is no longer going on about [[WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic the ponies and the friendship and the wrapping of the winter!]]
*** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djG0j3bpCLQ It got a full version.]]
** Rip embodies all the randomness of Tumblr.
-->'''Rip:''' Rainbow, tacos, Series/DoctorWho, Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}!
** She also painted [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} "The cake is a lie"]] (in blood) on the aircraft carrier she hijacked. Only one person gets the reference.
-->'''Dude Who Gets The Reference[[note]](And yes, that's how he's credited in the description)[[/note]]:''' And that was ''Portal'', by the way. That's ''Portal''. That's...where it's from.
** Even the PreAsskickingOneLiner Alucard gives before finishing off Rip is hilarious.
-->'''Alucard''': The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, ''I hate everyone equally'', and there's ''NO ONE ALIVE'' who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, ''Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!'' *''clocks her one''*
* When Integra wonders out loud why would Alucard know so much about the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_SR-71_Blackbird SR-71 Blackbird]]:
--> '''Alucard''': DO YOU EVEN ''READ'' MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
* Schroedinger at the meeting.
** First, Alucard's reaction to him.
-->'''Alucard:''' Ah. The return of the [[DudeLooksLikeALady "why" boner]]. ''With a vengeance!''
** Everyone is wondering how he got in.
-->'''Integra:''' How did he get in here?\\
'''Walter:''' We had over a dozen guards.\\
'''Alucard:''' Those were ours? I mean, Oh my God! How did he get through the guards?!
** Then his attempts at getting the T.V. to work.
-->'''Major:''' Schroedinger?\\
'''Schroedinger:''' It's not working, Major!\\
'''Major:''' Did you click T.V., then Power?\\
'''Schroedinger:''' Oh, wait, I'm on Video 2.\\
'''Major:''' ''Nein'', Video 1!
** Then he/she hits on Seras:
-->'''Schroedinger:''' Fraulein. Fraulein! FRAULEIN! ''HEY, FRAULEIN!''\\
'''Seras:''' Oi!\\
'''Schroedinger:''' We would make beautiful children.\\
''(Seras blushes and Alucard shoots Schroedinger [[LudicrousGibs in the face]])''\\
'''Alucard:''' Was that [[AmbiguousGender boy-girl]] bugging you?\\
'''Major:''' And like that, the war begins.\\
'''Alucard:''' Whoops, did I just accidentally a war?\\
'''Integra:''' Police Girl?\\
''(Seras shoots the Major's T.V. with the Harknonen)''\\
'''Seras:''' ''(Internal monologue)'' Huh. [[JerkassHasAPoint They would look rather nice, actually.]]
* Alucard ''busting into the meeting'' with Meredith Brooks' ''Bitch'' playing from his phone. Everyone's expressions (''especially'' Maxwell's) are what completely sell this moment.
-->'''Alucard''': Okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work...
** Made funnier by the fact that you can hear Alucard arguing with either Seras or Pip (most likely [[ButtMonkey Seras]]) about having forgotten the song right before they bust in.
--> '''Alucard''': Okay, screw it! Just take my phone and [[TemptingFate hit random!]]
*** Also, keep in mind that Alucard is busting in to meet the Queen, his old flame in the '40s... when he was a ''girl'', for some reason.
* When the Major finally comes into focus on the mini-TV Schroedinger brought, Alucard completely loses it and doubles over laughing, because...
-->'''Alucard:''' HE'S STILL SO FUCKING FAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! He's like a Nazi LouisCK! HAHAHAHA! No! No! JimGaffigan! JimGaffigan! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
** After Alucard finally manages to calm down and the Major continues unveiling his plan, Integra completely destroys his attempt to reveal what they already know:
-->'''The Major:''' Now, I'm sure you're all chomping at the bit to find out what we have in store for you, ''nein''?
-->'''Integra:''' Nazi army.
-->'''The Major:''' ...Wow, just kill all the fun. [[{{Hypocrite}} Put the fun in camps]], why don't you?
-->'''Alucard:''' Yeah, ya Fun-Nazi.
-->'''Integra:''' GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!
** Later, when the Major and Herr Doktor are discussing meeting:
-->'''Herr Doktor:''' Well, Major, I think that went well.\\
'''Major:''' You ''think'' it went well? Herr Doktor, I was there. And much like our former boss--\\
''(Camera shifts to a bound and gagged Nazi officer being killed by Vampires)''\\
'''Major:''' I ''[[RefugeInAudacity killed]]'' it!
* Anderson and Maxwell discuss their alliance with Hellsing is simultaneously funny and badass for how insanely bloodthirsty Anderson is.
-->'''Maxwell''': Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.\\
'''Anderson''': Then knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.\\
'''Maxwelll''': ...I do not know the metaphor which you draw, but regardless we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God!\\
'''Anderson''': Oh I see. So this...is a CRUSADE!\\
'''Maxwelll''': No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it...ah...damn, what do the American cows say?\\
'''Anderson''': Peacekeeping?\\
'''Maxwell''': Right! Now, shall we ''keep the peace?''\\
'''Millenium Mooks''': For Millenium! ''(Anderson kills them all)''\\
'''Anderson''': Only until it's time to slide in the knife!\\
[[/folder]]
[[folder: Other]]
* [[https://twitter.com/TheCrimsonFuckr Alucard's twitter]] is a veritable goldmine of hilarity.
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' Just tried to get through airport security out of Brazil. Nope.
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' Think it might have somethin' t'do with the fact that YOU WERE FILMED SLAUGTERIN' PEOPLE?
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' [[LlamasWithHats I will not apologize for art.]]
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' And you've been watchin' too many popular internet videos.
* Police Girl's has some funny bits too.
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' Poor Walter was upset [Alucard] was getting blood everywhere, so Master decided to roll about on the floor and against the walls.
* Alucard's response to the Pope stepping down. (CallBack his letters to the Pope)
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' [[EarWorm NA NA NA NA! NA NA NA NA! HEEE~Y! GOODBYE!]]
--> '''BT_PoliceGirl:''' Oh why d'you have to be so bloody loud so early? Blimey..!
--> '''[=TheCrimsonFuckr:=]''' Because I won. Shut up.
[[/folder]]
