History Funny / CompanyOfHeroes

'''German Sniper:''' ''([[DeadpanSnarker utterly deadpan)]])'' [[GratuitousGerman Jawohl]]. Attacking their armor with my rifle.

Clickety-click. Clickety FUCKING CLICK! Fucking Scheiße!\\
Who is doing that incessant button-tapping?\\
Reinhardt! Fart into the radio. Yes sir. [''fart noise'']

--> Yeah, yeah, we say cool shit when you harass us. ''Get over it''.

'''Squad, on the move:''' Right foot left foot you idioten! We'll try shooting next.\\
'''When stopping:''' Halt! ...ugh, I feel like a teacher at the Hilfschule, I swear!\\

''(dying)'' Ahhhh! Stop, I ''command it''!\\

That is impossible, are you ''a spy''?
* Face it, who's tempted not to capture the last CP in second single-player mission before placing mines after mines on the convoy's route?

You click me one more time and I will [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] smoke you.\\

* Lampshaded by American armor crews in 2:

* Ordering infantry ''without'' anti armor weapons to attack armored vehicles tends to give some hilarious WhatTheHellPlayer responses.
-->'''American Infantryman:''' [[LeeroyJenkins Those tanks aren't so scary!]] ''(quickly whispers to player)'' [[WhatTheHellPlayer Sir, are you fucking drunk?]]\\
'''German Sniper:''' ''([[DeadpanSnarker utterly deadpan)]]'' [[GratuitousGerman Jawohl]]. Attacking their armor with my rifle.
* A cut scene in the second mission of the original campaign has this amusing conversation between a Wehrmacht Grenadier and his squad mate.

-->'''British Announcer''': Headquarters is under attack! Typical enemy trick, isn't it?
!''Company of Heroes''
* The sergeant of the American Riflemen Squad is less than enthused about one of his soldiers picking up a discarded flamethrower.
--> [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Ohhhhh this is gonna be fucking disastrous.]]

--> Ohhhhh this is gonna be fucking disastrous.

-->'''British Announcer''': Headquarters is under attack! Typical enemy trick, isn't it?

-->We [[EatTheDog ate the horse]], remember? Get pulling!

-->The regimental doctor inspected the battalion and found that everyone had The Clap. Even Reinhardt, [[BeyondTheImpossible and I'm pretty sure he's a virgin]].

-->For two hours they shelled us with artillery, and not with the little shit either. No, I'm talking the big stuff, 152s and 203s. My balls still haven't came back down.

-->'''British Announcer''': My god, a tank's been lost.

-->They want us to attack that Sturmpanzer. ({{Beat}}) [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer No, I'm serious. A ''Sturmpanzer''.]]

"Duffy, fuel, and you're smoking a cigga-fucking-rette!"\\

* The Hotchkiss commander occasionally complains about ending commanding his outdated French tank, because of its [[TheAllegedCar poor armour]]:

-->I should have been a tankist!

-->We shot at that T-34 57 times with that little 37mm, '''57''' times, and they still couldn't find us! They finally surrendered, I guess they got a headache and gave up.

-->Industrialization, that is the only reason we are still in this war... And my balls... My BIG BALLS!

-->I am missing a biscuit! ({{Beat}}) ''STEALING'' IS ''NOT'' THE SOVIET WAY, COMRADES!

-->They want us to attack that Sturmpanzer. ({{Beat}}) [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer No, I'm serious! A STURMPANZER.]]

* The British Forces as a whole makes up for a severe lack of humor from the other factions. Filled with deadpan snark courtesy of the Infantry Sections who would make sarcastic quips to humorous small black humor banter. The Announcer also counts as he would deliver the announcements in the most pompous matter,
-->"Fire like buggery he said, so I did. Only an officer's arse got in the way and I got one week in the glass house and Rupert's shot bollocks gets a medal"
-->My god, a tank's been lost.

--> '''Bren Carrier, when overclicked''': "Bren here, here, HEREEEE!!"

* The Hotchkiss commander occasionally complains about ending commanding this outdated French tank, because of its [[TheAllegedCar poor armor]]:
--> "Grandmother's wagen has more armor than this rusty can."

** [[DrillSergeantNasty Infantry Section sergeants]] are quite the [[DeadpanSnarker Deadpan Snarkers]], especially when chewing poor [[ButtMonkey Duffy]].
(When entering a church): "Come on, let's see if [[ButtMonkey Duffy]] burts into flames."\\

'''When upgraded to MP40s:''' Alright, Volksgrenadiers, new MP40s. Try not to shoot each other.\\

** [[DrillSargeantNasty Infantry Section sergeants]] are quite the [[DeadpanSnarker Deadpan Snarkers]], especially when chewing poor [[ButtMonkey Duffy]].
--> (When entering a church): "Come on, let's see if [[ButtMonkey Duffy]] burts into flames."
--> "Duffy, fuel, and you're [[WhatanIdiot smoking a cigga-fucking-rette]]!"
--> "Command ordered this rain just for you, Duffy."
--> "(Also said in rainy weather): You're wishing for a rubber ducky, Duffy, you stupid meek?"

-->'Ave a grenade, ya cheeky buggers!
-->''*The turret hatch opens and a grenade flies out, obliterating the attacking squad*''
-->That'll teach ya to keep away!
-->''*Churchill casually drives off*''

* Whenever a unit drops a ClusterFBomb, [[OhCrap panics at the sight of superior force]], [[JoinTheArmyTheySaid gripes about the conditions of the war in general]], [[WhatTheHellPlayer calls out the actions of the player]] ([[StopPokingMe especially if they click him too many times]]), [[BreakingTheFourthWall Breaks The Fourth Wall]], [[TakeAThirdOption or does any combination of the above]], odds are it's sidesplitting.

--> "[[JoinTheArmyTheySaid Join the army, they said]]. [[RecruitersAlwaysLie It will be fun, they said]]."

'''German Sniper:''' ''([[DeadpanSnarker utterly deadpan)]]'' [[GratuitousGerman Jawohl]]. [[WhatAnIdiot Attacking their armor with my rifle]].

-->'''Squad leader:''' Hans, your coffee sucks. I'm not drinking this crap!
-->'''Hans:''' I'm not your mother you asshole, make your own goddamned coffee!

'''When stopping:''' Halt! ...ugh, I feel like a teacher at the Hilfschule, I swear!