History Funny / BlackBooks

-->'''Fran''':: This is where they thought Manny was a god.

-->'''Fran''': ;;[To Bernard]]'' Oh, don't look at me like that. It wasn't all bad. How many people can say they've [[NoodleIncident been on a hospital riverboat]]?

-->'''Manny''': Yes, it'll be a long time before I want to [[NoodleIncident sacrifice another monkey]].

-->'''Bernard''': WE PROMISED WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!

--->Cows in the morning, cows in the morning, one two three.
--->Up and at them, up and at them with a pick.

--->Ireland will never be free until
--->I'm... can marry my brother.

--->I live... by the river... with my mother... in a house.
--->She washes,... I cook... and we never go out.

--->I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you, Eileen Beaug, but leave us alone now for the minute.

--->I live alone in a tree.
--->I live alone in a tree.
--->I live alone in a tree.
--->And nobody loves me.

--->'''Manny:''' You have ''beautiful'' eyes.

--->'''Manny''': I uh... fell off my chair to some extent, there.

--->'''Manny''': You... just... better... watch it... or I'll be down your manor with aaall the other policemen... and we'll ''arrest'' your arse... bye.

--->'''Manny:''' Yeah, that's definitely locked.\\

-->'''Bernard''': Oh, well, I fell. You know, it was so... ''undashing''.
-->'''Fran:''' And of course, going to the toilet through a wicker chair, well, we've all been there.

--> '''Howell:''' ''Fraaaaan?''...''Hey, you're looking [[{{Pun}} Fran-tastic!]]''.

--> '''Howell:''' ''(to himself) "I will do so immediately, sir" (to mirror) I will do so immediately... ({{Beat}}, checks his script) ...sir.''

--> '''Howell:''' ''Fraaaaan?''...''Hey, you're looking [[IncrediblyLamePun Fran-tastic!]]''.

-->"WHAT?!... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!... THE ''WHAT?!'' 'If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not... blind' -- ''WHAT?!'' "'What is your mother's maiden name?' What's her ''first'' name?! I just knew her as 'Ma'! Ma! That'll have to do. ''(writing)'' 'Ma... possibly deceased.'"

** Manny tries to get Bernard to bring some order to the shop. Bernard bursts out "I can't take care of every little thing around here, you know, it's, it's mayhem!" There is only one other customer in the shop, reading quietly in a corner. A fly comes in the open door, and Manny and Bernard watch it fly around the shop for a long moment before it finally settles on Bernard's grungy desk -- and then it decides it doesn't like it, takes off again, does another quick circuit of the shop and leaves, ''shutting the door behind itself''.

** Fran tells Bernard he needs someone "normal" around the shop. When Bernard asks what that makes him, she replies, "You're a freak Bernard, you know that." To which he replies, "Yes! I know! ...But I have ''rights!''"

* Also, this exchange between Bernard and Fran:
---> '''Fran''': Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?
---> '''Bernard''': Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

** When Manny wakes up from surgery, the doctor tells him that they couldn't find the book and that he seems to have assimilated it into his system over night. Cut to a perfectly calm Manny, who starts reciting actual quotes from the book. He then leaves the hospital and walks through the streets, managing to calm down a dog and a ''car alarm'' just by talking to them, before running into a group of skinheads, who respond to his quotes by punching him in the face. Manny responds with a mangled version of four or five quotes from the book before getting another punch, which snaps him out of it.

** Concussed!Bernard afterwards, when Manny's thanking him for taking a beating that was heading his way, and offers to do his accounts because 'it's the least I can do'.

** Bernard's meeting with his accountant is interrupted when he overhears the police coming and escapes out the window. The police swarm through the door and out the window after him, one giving the call sign, "The cat has left the basket!" Bernard can only sit and look around helplessly, unable to get up to leave the office due to the uninterrupted stream of police charging through.

--->'''Bernard''': Manny, have you ''ever'' bought a book at half-ten in the morning?

--->'''Bernard''': No. You see? That would be a world gone ''topsy-turvy''. If this were a bakery, this would be late.
--->'''Manny''': What?

-->"WHAT?!... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!... THE ''WHAT?!'' 'If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not... blind' -- ''WHAT?!'' "'What is your mother's maiden name?' What's her ''first'' name?! I just knew here as 'Ma'! Ma! That'll have to do. ''(writing)'' 'Ma... possibly deceased.'"

** Bernard's EstablishingCharacterMoment from the first episode - right after commenting on what a strange person Manny is, [[HypocriticalHumor he grabs a megaphone]] [[GetOut and arbitrarily orders everyone out of the shop.]] While pushing them with a broom.

** Bernard's meeting with his accountant is interrupted when he overhears the police coming and escapes out the window. The police swarm through the door and out the window after him, one giving the call sign, "The cat has left the basket!"

** Manny tries to get Bernard to bring some order to the shop. Bernard bursts out "I can't take care of every little thing around here, you know, it's, it's mayhem!" There is only one other customer in the shop, reading quietly in a corner. A fly comes in the open door, and Manny and Bernard watch it fly around the shop for a long moment before it finally settles on Bernard's grungy desk - and then it decides it doesn't like it, takes off again, does another quick circuit of the shop and leaves, ''shutting the door behind itself''.

-->'''Bernard''': Oh, I don't know. Walls, thermometers - it's an impossible choice. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin that it somehow EXPLODES and kills me.

** Manny`s insistence that she's 'nice' doesn't cut much mustard:

-->'''Manny''': Let's paaaar-

** They get back from the party and Bernard snidely asks Manny what he ended up talking to the girl about. Manny mutters "offshore wind farms". Bernard can't even form a retort - he just looks flabbergasted.

-->'''Bernard (nonchalant)''': What. No. Oh, yes, there it is.