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Funny / Black Books

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  • Bernard: "Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think. You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of cornershop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think: 'This is fantastic! I'm in heaven!'"
  • Bernard's Establishing Character Moment from the first episode - right after commenting on what a strange person Manny is, he grabs a megaphone and arbitrarily orders everyone out of the shop. While pushing them with a broom.
    Bernard: Right the shop is closed, everybody get out!
    Customer: But it's only quarter to three!
    Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop!
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  • Bernard`s many nicknames for Manny.
    You there, Lord of the Rings.
    Hawkwind, back to work.
    It's this sort of world, Gandalf!
  • Manny describes the mess of the shop: "Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!"
    Cleaner (speaking into a dictaphone): North ceiling corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.
  • For perfectly well-arranged reasons, Manny ends up playing a hunchbacked, slavering Igor to Bernard's wine-making Mad Scientist, who ends up thrashing him with a branch on the doorstep of a gothic house in a lightning storm.
  • Manny and Bernard have a rather drunken appreciation for a bottle of white wine:
    Bernard: Look at the colours. All, all the colours. Well, yellow.
    Manny: This is like, this is like, a farmyard of, of wine.
    Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck.
    Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.
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  • Manny and the shiatsu machine:
    Manny: Look, Bernard. Bernard, look. Bernard! Look! Hey, Bernard, look! Look! Hey, Bernard! Look! Look! Bernard, Bernard! Look! Look! Hey, Bernard!
    Bernard: WHAT?!
    Manny: I'm a prostitute robot from the future!
  • Bernard: (very drunk) Well, the pay's not great but the work is hard.
  • From "A Nice Change"
    Manny: Yes, it'll be a long time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
    • Bernard tears the shop to pieces looking for his passport. Finally, without even looking up, Fran offers assistance:
      Bernard (nonchalant): What. No. Oh, yes, there it is.
  • From "Fever":
    Bernard: Oh, I don't know. Walls, thermometers - it's an impossible choice. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin that it somehow EXPLODES and kills me.
    • And from the episode, Bernard's "lollipop" (a bottle of wine with a stick in it that Bernard has frozen, then smashes against the wall to break the glass bottle and starts eating the rest like a giant ice pop.)
  • Manny runs away from home, only to experience an escalating series of calamities.
    Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
    Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.
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  • When Fran's unscrupulous landlord has made her flat smaller:
    Fran: If I told the walls in my flat were shrinking, would you say I was crazy?
    Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come around and look after my small children.
  • Any interaction between Bernard and a customer.
    Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
    Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
  • Bernard spends most of one episode trying to get injured so he doesn't have to do his tax returns. He even offers a free book to a kindly older man if he breaks Bernard's legs, which the old man accepts, until he realises he's already read the book.
    Bernard: Yes, it's terrible. Now hurry up and break my legs.
  • Bernard trying to persuade three skinheads to beat him up in the first episode.
    Bernard: Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?...Millwall, Millwall, you're really dreadful, and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated..."
    • PUNCH!
    • Concussed!Bernard afterwards, when Manny's thanking him for taking a beating that was heading his way, and offers to do his accounts because 'it's the least I can do'.
    Bernard: You mean you can do more? Can I have a glass of wine?
    Manny: Okay.
    Bernard: (increasingly excited) And a ham sandwich?
    Manny: If you like.
    Bernard: With a pickle?!
    Manny: Alright.
    (Bernard gets the most ludicrously excited and joyful expression on his face.)
  • Bernard has standards when it comes to grammar:
    Manny: Let's paaaar-
  • In the premiere episode, Fran buys an allotment of bizarre spherical objects, but can't figure out what they are supposed to do. Then in the last moment of the show, the oblivious Manny casually reveals they are cigarette lighters, and Fran issues this perfect little scream of rage and surprise.
  • Manny is carving meat from a roast chicken, then uses a wooden spoon to make the carcass do a pole dance, while humming The Stripper, until Bernard catches him.
    Bernard: What are you doing, Manny?
  • Also, this exchange between Bernard and Fran:
    Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?
    Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
  • After Bernard and Manny bicker Like an Old Married Couple, Manny angrily hands Bernard his lunch and storms into the kitchen. To which Bernard replies petulantly:
    Bernard: Why do you always have to make the bacon so curly?
  • Bernard has one moment that's a beautiful illustration of a drunken Irish ex-pat getting nostalgic for home:
    Bernard: Did I ever tell you about the old country, Jim? Ah, the old country! The songs! They'd melt your face!
    • The deleted scenes have several alternate lines for this, all hilarious, culminating in the ad-libbing Dylan Moran cracking himself up.
      Cows in the morning, cows in the morning, one two three.
      Up and at them, up and at them with a pick.

      Ireland will never be free until
      I'm... can marry my brother.

      I live... by the river... with my mother... in a house.
      She washes,... I cook... and we never go out.

      I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you, Eileen Beaug, but leave us alone now for the minute.

      I live alone in a tree.
      I live alone in a tree.
      I live alone in a tree.
      And nobody loves me.

  • Bernard's response to Manny's claim that they're not quitters:
    Bernard: I am a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
  • Pretty much the entirety of the last act of "Blood," with the frantic preparation of ridiculous meals, including luxury pie (The food of kings: lobster, truffles, saffron, caviar, and champagne!) and culminating in Manny, trying to reach Bernard's impossible standards, constructing a tower of soup. Bernard's response:
    Bernard: What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish, man!!
    • In the outtakes, when the '"tower" has fallen down.
    "That's a log!"
    "It fell over!"
  • In "Manny Come Home", where Bernard and Manny put aside their episode-long enmity to team up against Fran.
    Bernard: It's never going to be like it was, Fran.
    Manny: Never, I agree.
    Bernard: We agree. Manny and I are opposed on every point.
    Manny: (politely) Well put.
    Bernard: Thank you.
    Manny: My pleasure.
  • Fran's drunken attempt at an Irish folk song.
    Oh Eamonn, Danny dear,
    I miss the Galway Bay,
    And I'll sing for all I got!
    With a riddle-diddle Dublin,
    And a riddle-diddle Donegal,
    The English are all bollocks.
  • From the DVD Commentary, when they are discussing black pudding:
    Bill Bailey: I had white pudding once.
    Tamsin Greig: What's that made from?
    Dylan Moran: (suddenly and without missing a beat) Pigs' vaginas.
  • The ending of the very first episode, and the reaction of the missionaries when Manny opens the door. The entire episode was a beautiful set-up for the whole thing.
  • "The little man in my hair is getting very very angry."
  • Manny cutting Bernard's hair with a bread knife.
  • On his first day at work, Manny tries to get Bernard to bring some order to the shop. Bernard bursts out "I can't take care of every little thing around here, you know, it's, it's mayhem!" There is only one other customer in the shop, reading quietly in a corner. A fly comes in the open door, and Manny and Bernard watch it fly around the shop for a long moment before it finally settles on Bernard's grungy desk - and then it decides it doesn't like it, takes off again, does another quick circuit of the shop and leaves, shutting the door behind itself.
  • Manny's parents move in and wash Bernard's trademark black outfit, revealing that it's actually a white suit that's just never been washed.
  • In the first episode, Manny accidentally swallows the Little Book of Calm. The doctor tells him that he'll either die painfully, or live 1-10 years, also in extreme pain. When Manny gets reasonably upset by this, the doctor takes the x-ray and reads the Little Book of Calm from its place in his intestine.
    • Having the doctor be played by Martin Freeman just makes it even funnier.
  • Fran telling Bernard he is a freak, to which he replies, "Yes! I know! ...But I have rights!"
  • The whole Goliath Books fiasco and the borderline psychotic that runs the place.
    • "Hahaha...I'M REALLY ANGRY NOW."
    • Bernard watching Manny through a peephole doing the "Judas boogie".
  • "Why is it so much? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some dizzying high?"
    • The wide-eyed vacant look on Bernard's face makes it look a bit like he's had some "special popcorn".
  • Every. Single. Nanosecond with the off-guard Jehovah's witnesses.
    Bernard: I'd love to talk about Jesus! What's he up to these days?
  • Fran's second day in a nondescript white-collar job that she has no clue about. She winds up madly typing "What am I doing here with Fatty and Spotty" over and over again, despite not even looking at her computer screen and typing like a 4-year-old.
  • The Cleaner.
    • Also, more insight into how unsanitary Bernard's home is.
  • The fact that Mr Slvanski's father and grandfather, the latter of whom was Nicholas II's teacher, are still alive and look exactly like him.
  • Manny's paranoia over the rising temperatures, culminating in his berserker rage at the end of the episode.
  • Fran tries seducing her landlord, but since he's a little slow (or probably because she's not too good at seduction) Fran draws a diagram of them having sex.
    Fran:That's right, I am actually offering you me. Yours to enjoy. Like an eclair, or... a day at the zoo.
  • Fran mentions getting aroused every time she hears Howell Granger's voice. Then the audience hears it:
    Howell: Fraaaaan?...Hey, you're looking Fran-tastic!.
    • As well as Howell's moments of Accidental Innuendo and his inability to memorize a complete line of dialogue from a play he's in.
    Howell: (to himself) "I will do so immediately, sir" (to mirror) I will do so immediately... (Beat, checks his script) ...sir.
  • Manny develops a 1970's policeman persona after spending all night watching The Sweeney and drinking coffee. He starts suspecting elderly customers of being criminals, he tries to take an imaginary bullet for Bernard when a customer slams a book a little too loudly and he even chases a thief who snatches an elderly woman's bag outside of the shop.
    • Of course, Manny being Manny, when he manages to catch up to the thief he just casually jogs on by, acting as if he hadn't been chasing him in the first place. He then gets mistaken for being a real police officer, and gets dragged into playing the good cop when trying to get a confession out of a well-known criminal.
      Manny: You have beautiful eyes.
    • Also from the same episode, Manny manages to fall off his chair while at the police station. He then slips while attempting to stand up, and falls down again. He finally manages to sit and compose himself.
      Manny: I uh... fell off my chair to some extent, there.
    • The real policeman — quite impressed at Manny's "skill" — eventually decides to lock Manny in the room alone with the suspect to make him sweat. Manny confirms that the door is locked — by frantically jiggling the handle for about half a minute, leading to this:
      Manny: Yeah, that's definitely locked.
      [A few seconds of silence before Manny desperately grabs the suspect's arm]
      Manny: [Frantic] I'm not a real policeman!
      Suspect: [Alarmed] What?!
      Manny: I'm not a real policeman! They think I'm a real policeman but I'm not! I've just had too much coffee! What am I gonna do?! You've got to help me!
      Suspect: [Leaping out of his chair and backing away in fear] Get away from me, you're crazy! Get the other one back in! I'll talk to him, I'm not talking to you!
  • Fran asks Bernard why he was so embarrassed to admit how he broke his arm.
    Bernard: Oh, well, I fell. You know, it was so... undashing.
    Fran: And of course, going to the toilet through a wicker chair, well, we've all been there.
  • From a deleted scene, Bernard refuses to apologize to Manny:
    “I wouldn’t apologise to you if you were the last person left on earth, the earth was on fire, I was starving, and you had magical fire extinguisher breath and sleeves that shot out crisps“
  • As part of a (rare) promotion the shop is doing, Manny is reluctantly dressed as a large bookworm reading an insufferably saccharine story about a rabbit to a bunch of obnoxious children. Eventually, he gets up to protest to Bernard, leading to this little exchange:
    Child: [Obnoxiously] You haven't finished, worm! What happened to the rabbit?!
    Manny: [Beyond fed-up] He... starved to death. The end.
  • Bernard is indignant that Manny wants to go to a party to meet a girl.
    Bernard: Who is she anyway, this so-called person?
    Manny: Rowena. She's a friend of Anne's.
    Bernard: (condescending) Oh, I see. Roweeeena. Roweeeeeeeeena! (does a ridiculous jig ending on a raspberry) And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants Charleston with this insane, blind tart?!
    • Manny`s insistance that she's 'nice' doesn't cut much mustard:
    Bernard: Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?

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