History Funny / ADanceWithDragons

—-> Strong Belwas bellowed, “Locusts!” as he seized the bowl and began to crunch them by the handful.

* The prologue introduces us to a wildling skinchanger named Varamyr Sixskins. He changed his name every time he added an additional animal to his pack, which means that at one point he must have been called Varamyr Fourskins.

"Only Lady Barbrey, whom you would turn into a pair of boots... inferior boots. Human skin is not as tough as cowhide and will not wear as well."

* Bran, as he and his friends follow Coldhands into the wild: ''Are we there yet?''

--> The dwarf could not help but think of Joffrey. "''I have a gift for angering princes.''"

* When Glover asks [[spoiler:Davos]] if he wants to his cell, the latter says he has no choice, the alternative being to stay with Garth and "Lady Lu". This confuses Glover who thinks that Lady Lu is one of the washerwomen. [[note]]Lady Lu is Garth's axe.[[/note]]

-->'''Haldon:''' Best not. Tigers have been known to have sharp teeth.

--> “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea.” “Where is this Dothraki sea?” he demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”;The fisherman laughed aloud. “That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki sea is made of grass, you fool.” [[NoSenseofHumor He should not have said that.]]

--> “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea.” “Where is this Dothraki sea?” he demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”;The fisherman laughed aloud. “That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki sea is made of grass, you fool.”[[NoSenseofHumor He should not have said that.]]

--> “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea.” “Where is this Dothraki sea?” he demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”;The fisherman laughed aloud. “That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki sea is made of grass, you fool.”
[[NoSenseofHumor He should not have said that.]]

--> “She flew away upon her dragon, beyond the Dothraki sea.” “Where is this Dothraki sea?” he demanded. “I will sail the Iron Fleet across it and find the queen wherever she may be.”;The fisherman laughed aloud. “That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki sea is made of grass, you fool.” He should not have said that.

** And Bracken telling his CampFollower not to cover herself up, her instinctive reaction when Jaime barges in on them. "He wants to see your tits."
* During Alys Karstark and the Magnar of Thenn's wedding, Alys leans close to Jon and tells him that her mother said snow during a wedding means a cold marriage:

* Alys [[SarcasmMode being extremely grown-up]] by throwing bits of bread at Jon during her wedding feast while she and Jon tease each other about dancing together.

* When Kevan first meets Cersei while she is imprisoned and she sees he is still angry at all, she thinks it is over her [[SkewedPriorities throwing wine]] at him rather than everything else.

-->'''"Duck":''' Did you heard, Haldon? He wants a ''smaller'' Duck!

* Stannis's reaction when Jon ticks off the leaders of the mountain clans, and Jon offhandedly mentions one known as "Big Bucket".

* It's a small moment, but while fleeing Deepwood Motte, Asha finds herself fighting one of Stannis' Northern clansmen who repeatedly calls her a {{c|ountryMatters}}unt in the heat of battle. After she's defeated and captured, the clansman comes and apologizes to her for calling her a cunt, but ''not'', as Asha notes, for trying to kill her with an axe. Trying to kill Asha was of course completely appropriate as they met in battle. Calling her foul names however was not.

* When Jon Snow heard the rumour about dragons in the east, he said that having a dragon at the Wall might warm things up a bit.
* Jaime surprises Jonos Bracken while Janos is in the middle sex, resulting in one of the darkest mainstream fantasy series momentarily turning into a classical French farce: "And how fares your lady wife?"

* During Alys Karstark and the Magnar of Thenn's wedding, Alys leans close to Jon Snow and tells him that snow during a wedding means a cold marriage:

* When Alys' EvilUncle Cregan comes to Castle Black to carry Alys off against her will and do {{JerkAss}} things so he can take Alys' home from her, Jon momentarily contemplates presenting his head to Alys as a wedding gift. In the last book, Jaime believes Tyrion wouldn't think a head would be a great wedding gift and now we see [[OddFriendship Tyrion's friend]] Jon considering the same thing.
* Alys [[SarcasmMode being extremely grown-up]] by throwing bread at Jon during her wedding feast while she and Jon tease each other about dancing together.

* Wyman Manderly's denies having ordered the murder of Little Walder Frey and retorts to his accuser, also a Frey:
--> "Though mayhaps this was a blessing. Had he lived he would have grown up to be a Frey."

* In Jon Snow's first chapter, the moon murmuring/calling/insisting "Snow" at Jon dreaming as Ghost. Then he wakes up, and finds out that it's the Old Bear's raven trying to wake him. This is followed by Dolorous Edd walking in, ignoring the raven, asking what Jon wants for breakfast.

* Bran as he and his friends follow Coldhands into the wild: ''Are we there yet?''

* Once they've spent a few weeks on the boat getting to know one another, Penny nervously asks Tyrion if he wants to joust with her, and he reacts about the way you'd expect Tyrion to react to someone asking him to ride a pig in a dwarf jousting show. It's only hours later that he realizes that Penny might have meant something a lot more intimate when she said "do you want to joust with me," in which case "OH DEAR GODS IN ALL THE SEVEN HEAVENS A THOUSAND TIMES NO" was probably not the most diplomatic answer to give.
* Tyrion, Penny and Jorah's slave auction is by turns distressing, darkly funny with flashes of awesome mixed in with the horror. And, then we get the very persistent and absurdly amusing, penny-pinching voice saying, "And one." You can almost see the steam coming off the auctioneer even before Jorah really pushes it.

* Haldon doubting that Tyrion could kill a duck. Tyrion, assuming this is referring to a bird, shrugged and asked for the duck to be fetched. It turns out that Duck is a man's nickname.

-->(after Jon said they will be drinking horse blood after their food runs out) "Nothing beats a hot cup of horse blood on a cold night. I like mine with a pinch of cinnamon sprinkled on top."

* Stannis's reaction when Jon ticks off the leaders of the mountain clans, and offhandedly mentions one known as "Big Bucket".

* Jaime surprises Jonos Bracken in the middle of sex, and one of the darkest mainstream fantasy series ever briefly turns into a classical French farce. "And how fares your lady wife?"

* When Jon Snow is marrying Alys Karstark to Magnar of Thenn, she comments that snow during a wedding means it will be a cold marriage-
-->'''Jon Snow:''' ''(glances at Queen Selyse and muses)'' There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.
* Jon contemplates beheading [[spoiler:Cregan]] to present his head as a wedding gift to Alys. In the last book Jaime thought that Tyrion would not think this romantic at all, and now we see [[OddFriendship Tyrion's friend]] Jon considering the same thing.
* Alys [[SarcasmMode being extremely grown-up]] by throwing bread at Jon during her wedding feast.

* When Cersei's being paraded through King's Landing, a whore has the most beautiful insult for her (the crowd is content with "Brotherfucker"): [[spoiler: She lifts up her skirt and proudly proclaims that her lady parts aren't as used as the queen's.]]

* It's a small moment, but while fleeing Deepwood Motte, Asha finds herself fighting one of Stannis' Northern clansmen who repeatedly calls her a {{c|ountryMatters}}unt in the heat of battle. After she's defeated and captured, the clansman comes and apologizes to her for calling her a cunt, but ''not'', as Asha notes, for trying to kill her with an axe.

* The nickname Illyrio invented for Tyrion, Yollo, is hilarious in the light of the popularity of the acronym YOLO (You Only Live Once). It also kind of describes Tyrion's outlook towards life.

* ''Adventure stunk.''

--> The dwarf could not help but think of Joffrey. "''I have a gift for angering princes.''"

-->'''[[DeadpanSnarker Jon:]]''' I can tell. He only threatened to behead me twice.

** Roose trying to set his son straight in Barrowton is full of darkly humorous one-liners:
-->" All you have I gave you. You would do well to remember that,
[[KickTheSonOfABitch bastard]]. As for this … Reek … if you have not ruined him beyond redemption, he may yet be of some use to us. Get the keys and remove those chains from, [[CrossingTheLineTwice before you make me rue the day I raped your mother]]."\\

-->"Get the keys and remove those chains from [Reek], before you make me rue the day I raped your mother."\\

* In a darkly funny moment, Victarion tries to get the crew to get used to Moqorro by having him where the Greyjoy colors instead of Rhlor's red. It doesn't work as instead the black makes him even scarier.

* When Kevan first meets Cersei while she is imprisoned and she sees he is still angry at all, she thinks it is over her [[SkewedPriorities throwing wine]] at him rather then everything else.

* Danys wonders why [[spoiler:Quentyn Martell]] is introduced to her as Frog, thinking he can jump further than the others. [[note]]It turns out to be a reference to a fairy tale very similar to the Frog Prince.[[/note]]

* Tyrion challenges Haldon to a cyvasse game, having lost several times already, and Haldon says that the day Tyrion beats him is the day turtles swim out his arse. Cut to after the game, when someone asks when Haldon is: