History Awesome / GoblinSlayerAbridged

--> '''High Elf:''' Now we can get this adventure started!

-->'''High Elf:''' CALISTRIA'S FUCKING CAPE, WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

-->'''High Elf:''' *''gasping hoarsely''* I can't breathe! *''several seconds of High Elf Archer and Elf Scout gasping hoarsely in unison''*

-->'''High Elf:''' *''vomits and cries''*

-->'''High Elf:''' This isn't what an adventure is supposed to be like. *''hoarsely''* Or smell like...

'''Elf:''' ''(getting her clothes ripped off by the goblins)'' No! NO!\\
'''Dwarf:''' Hang on!\\

'''GS wakes up'''

-->'''High Elf:''' CALISTRIAL'S FUCKING CAPE, WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ...Hm. Pathetic. A waste of my time. You can turn into a cult-slaying kaiju monstrosity, and you ask for MY help? I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure. But that's not the only reason. I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember might get burnt to the ground if someone doesn't step in and kill some '''FILTHY''' goblins before they attack. So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones. You have unlimited resources. You could have asked ANYONE in the world for help. ''You have the God of Justice on speed dial'', and you're trying to guilt trip '''''ME''''' into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl out there might suffer the same fate as you... or ''worse''. People might die because you lured us here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. ''I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.''\\

-->'''Burglar''' SEE! You weren't expecting a rock in there, were you? I wanted to change your face, so I struck it! What a lovely shade of red. ''(Burglar revealed to camera)'' Aww, is Baby sad? Does baby want his sister~? ''(fist impacts Baby GS's chest)'' Well, your sister's dead! Weak and precious things '''DIE''' when they aren't protected!! Do you want to hear a joke? '''(Burglar snaps fingers torch lights up)''' [[DoomedHometown What happens when a band of Goblins invades a village filled with unprepared, untrained, weak farmers with shoddy defenses, flammable housing,]] [[SoleSurvivor and a single uninspected cabinet?]] '''(Stalactite falls, knocking over torch as Baby GS doesn't flinch)''' They leave behind a '''JOKE'''. Now let's make sure you have got a strong punchline, joke. '''NOW WAKE UP!!'''

-->'''Burglar''' ...Unfocused. Who else needs to die before you LEARN?! They took your family! They took your world! How will you make them pay?! What will you take from them?!

-->'''Burglar''' Hmm... HA!

-->'''Burglar''' Hahahahaha!! There it is! I CAN get something out of you! Useless boy... Silent for days... But HITTING! Hitting works. A sword is just a useless lump of rock until it is struck. You want to shape the world? You want to get revenge?! Then STRIKE!!

-->'''Burglar''' SEE! You weren't expecting a rock in there, were you? I wanted to change your face, so I struck it! What a lovely shade of red. ''(Burglar revealed to camera)'' Aww, is Baby sad? Does baby want his sister~? ''(fist impacts Baby GS's chest)'' Well, your sister's dead! Weak and precious things die when they aren't protected!! Do you want to hear a joke? '''(Burglar snaps fingers torch lights up)''' [[DoomedHometown What happens when a band of Goblins invades a village filled with unprepared, untrained, weak farmers with shoddy defenses, flammable housing,]] [[SoleSurvivor and a single uninspected cabinet?]] '''(Stalactite falls, knocking over torch as Baby GS doesn't flinch)''' They leave behind a JOKE. Now let's make sure you've got a strong punchline, JOKE. NOW WAKE UP!!

--> '''Elf:''' ''Now we can get this adventure started!''
-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''Good!'' *kicks down door*
-->'''Elf:''' ''CALISTRIAL'S FUCKING CAPE, WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?''
-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''What's wrong, that doesn't smell like an adventure to you? Well get a nice whiff, it only gets worse from here on out.''
-->'''Elf:''' ''*gasping hoarsely* I can't breathe! *several seconds of High Elf Archer and Elf Scout gasping hoarsely in unison*''
-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''This is where the goblins keep their trash. Look at her, barely clinging to life by a thread. You think she's having as much fun on this adventure as you? Go ahead and ask her. See how she feels.''
-->'''Elf:''' ''*vomits and cries*''
-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''I see. Just as green as your little elven thigh highs.''
-->'''Dwarf:''' ''If you can even call those thighs. HA HA ha OH I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH AND I SMELL IT I SMELL IT NOW! *groans*''
-->'''Elf:''' ''This isn't what an adventure is supposed to be like. *hoarsely* Or smell like...''
-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''Cause this isn't an adventure. The guild would have you believe that it is all dragon slaying and glory hogging. But it's not! It's not always glamorous. And it's not always clean... especially when it's needed. We're not here to adventure, elf. We're here to slay goblins.''

-->'''Dwarf:''' ''If you can even call those thighs. HAHAha OH I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH AND I SMELL IT I SMELL IT NOW! *groans*''

'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''Good!'' *kicks down door*
'''Elf:''' ''CALISTRIAL'S FUCKING CAPE, WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?''
'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''What's wrong, that doesn't smell like an adventure to you? Well get a nice whiff, it only gets worse from here on out.''
'''Elf:''' ''*gasping hoarsely* I can't breathe! *several seconds of High Elf Archer and Elf Scout gasping hoarsely in unison*''
'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''This is where the goblins keep their trash. Look at her, barely clinging to life by a thread. You think she's having as much fun on this adventure as you? Go ahead and ask her. See how she feels.''
'''Elf:''' ''*vomits and cries*''
'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''I see. Just as green as your little elven thigh highs.''
'''Dwarf:''' ''If you can even call those thighs. HAHAha OH I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY BREATH AND I SMELL IT I SMELL IT NOW! *groans*''
'''Elf:''' ''This isn't what an adventure is supposed to be like. *hoarsely* Or smell like...''
'''Goblin Slayer:''' ''Cause this isn't an adventure. The guild would have you believe that it is all dragon slaying and glory hogging. But it's not! It's not always glamorous. And it's not always clean... especially when it's needed. We're not here to adventure, elf. We're here to slay goblins.''

-->'''Burglar''' SEE! You weren't expecting a rock in there, were you? I wanted to change your face, so I struck it! What a lovely shade of red. ''(Burglar revealed to camera)'' Aww, is Baby sad? Does baby want his sister~? ''(fist impacts Baby GS's chest)'' Well, your sister's dead! Weak and precious things die when they aren't protected!! Do you want to hear a joke? '''(Burglar snaps fingers torch lights up)''' [[DoomedHometown What happens when a band of Goblins invades a village filled with unprepared, untrained, weak farmers with shoddy defenses, flammable housing,]] [[SoleSurvivor and a single unexpected cabinet?]] '''(Stalactite falls, knocking over torch as Baby GS doesn't flinch)''' They leave behind a JOKE. Now let's make sure you've got a strong punchline, JOKE. NOW WAKE UP!!

'''Baby GS''' ''(Silence)''
'''Burglar''' Hmm... HA!
'''(Thrown snowball hits Baby GS's face)'''
'''Baby GS''' ''*Wince and grunt of pain*''
'''Burglar''' Hahahahaha!! There it is! I CAN get something out of you! Useless boy... Silent for days... But HITTING! Hitting works. A sword is just a useless lump of rock until it is struck. You want to shape the world? You want to get revenge?! Then STRIKE!!
'''(Snowball number 2 hits Baby GS)'''
'''Baby GS''' ''*hurt noises*''
'''Burglar''' SEE! You weren't expecting a rock in there, were you? I wanted to change your face, so I struck it! What a lovely shade of red.
''(Burglar revealed to camera)'' Aww, is Baby sad? Does baby want his sister~? ''(fist impacts Baby GS's chest)'' Well, your sister's dead! Weak and precious things die when they aren't protected! Do you want to hear a joke? '''(Burglar snaps fingers torch lights up)''' [[DoomedHometown What happens when a band of Goblins invades a village filled with unprepared, untrained, weak farmers with shoddy defenses, flammable housing,]] [[SoleSurvivor and a single unexpected cabinet?]] '''(Stalactite falls, knocking over torch as Baby GS doesn't flinch)''' They leave behind a JOKE. Now let's make sure you've got a strong punchline, JOKE. NOW WAKE UP!!

The entirety of Goblin Slayer's ReasonYouSuckSpeech to Sword Maiden. Sword Maiden has been not so subtly trying to drive a wedge between Priestess and Goblin Slayer so she could monopolize him for herself. Her attempts to gain his sympathy by pointing out how despite everything she has (repeatedly pointing out her money, fame, power and resources), she still lives in terror of the goblins after what they did to her. Normally, this would incite pity as her character did in the original series. But here?
->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ...Hm. Pathetic. A waste of my time. You can turn into a cult-slaying kaiju monstrosity, and you ask for MY help? I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure. But that's not the only reason. I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember might get burnt to the ground if someone doesn't step in and kill some '''FILTHY''' goblins before they attack. So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones. You have unlimited resources. You could have asked ANYONE in the world for help. ''You have the God of Justice on speed dial'', and you're trying to guilt trip '''''ME''''' into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl out there might suffer the same fate as you... or ''worse''. People might die because you lured us here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. ''I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.''\\

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' ... pathetic. A waste of my time. You can turn into a cult-slaying Kaiju monstrosity, and you ask for my help? I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure. But that's not the only reason. I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember, might get burnt to the ground if someone doesn't step in and kill some FILTHY GAWBLINS before they attack. So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones.

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' You have unlimited resources. You could have asked anyone in the world for help. You have the God of Justice on speed-dial, and you're trying to guilt-trip me into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl out there might suffer the same fate as you... or worse. People might die because you lured us out here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. ''I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.''

-->'''Sword Maiden:''' GOBLIN SLAYER, WAIT! I-I'M SORRY! PLEASE-

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' Tell you what. When there are no more goblins left to kill, I'll kill the ones in your dreams. 'til then, be someone the Priestess can look up to. She can become so much more than... ''this.''

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' You have unlimited resources. You could have asked anyone in the world for help. You have the God of Justice on speed-dial, and you're try to guilt-trip me into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl out there might suffer the same fate as you... or worse. People might die because you lured us out here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. ''I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.''

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' Tell you what. When there are no more goblins left to kill, I'll kill the ones in your dreams. 'til then, be someone the Priestess can look up to. She can become so much more than... ''this.''

[[folder: Episode 1]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Episode 5]]

The entirety of Goblin Slayer's ReasonYouSuckSpeech to Sword Maiden. Sword Maiden has been not so subtly trying to drive a wedge between Priestess and Goblin Slayer so she could monopolize him for herself. Her attempts to gain his sympathy by pointing out how despite everything she has (repeatedly pointing out her money, fame, power and resources), she still lives in terror of the goblins after what they did to her. Normally, this would incite pity as her character did in the original series. But here?

The entirety of Goblin Slayer's Reason You Suck Speech to Sword Maiden near the end of episode 5.

-->'''Goblin Slayer:''' You have unlimited resources. You could have asked anyone in the world for help. You have the God of Justice on speed-dial, and you're try to guilt-trip me into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl out there might suffer the same fate as you... or worse. People might die because you lured us out here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. *I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.*

Goblin Slayer: You have unlimited resources. You could have asked anyone in the world for help. You have the God of Justice on speed-dial, and you're try to guilt-trip me into living with you? If I'm not out there killing goblins, some innocent girl out there might suffer the same fate as you... or worse. People might die because you lured us out here, Sword Maiden. For your own selfish reasons. *I can't believe Priestess looks up to you.*

Sword Maiden: GOBLIN SLAYER, WAIT! I-I'M SORRY! PLEASE-

Goblin Slayer: Tell you what. When there are no more goblins left to kill, I'll kill the ones in your dreams. 'til then, be someone the Priestess can look up to. She can become so much more than... ''this.''

- The entirety of Goblin Slayer's Reason You Suck Speech to Sword Maiden near the end of episode 5.

Goblin Slayer: ... pathetic. A waste of my time. You can turn into a cult-slaying Kaiju monstrosity, and you ask for my help? I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure. But that's not the only reason. I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember, might get burnt to the ground if someone doesn't step in and kill some FILTHY GAWBLINS before they attack. So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones.

Goblin Slayer: Tell you what. When there are no more goblins left to kill, I'll kill the ones in your dreams. 'til then, be someone the Priestess can look up to. She can become so much more than... *this.*