Reviews: John Cena

And you thought watching grass dry and paint grow was boring? Oh, my sweet summer child...

Automated WrestleBot Prototype Mark IV (known to laypeople by the descriptor "John Cena") is the biggest American buzzkill since Prohibition. They could have... somehow (this achievement may or may not require the use of a time machine) created a six-man ironman battle royal featuring the likes of Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Dean Malenko, etc. and just a mere 20 seconds of interference from this sad sack of bolts would render it a complete unwatchable joke, because that's all the time it would need to bury each and every guy in there. People who say Call of Duty rehash their stuff (and they do) should count their blessings. This thing's been a weekly re-run on a meta level for close a decade now. Oops, hang on, the chambers of my modified hyperbolic Beretta M9 run dry.

Now that that's been said... it's all our own fault, and we've no one to blame but ourselves. If WWE THE PEOPLE had stopped supporting the company when their momentum was starting to run on empty around 2005-ish, they might've tried to radically change their their game—slowly but surely planning for an unpredictable future—instead of barely keeping afloat aboard the HMS Complacency from then until times we have yet to know. With complacency of our own, however, we released this utterly uncharismatic Golem—a grotesque parody of everything good and worthwhile about the once beautiful sport of professional wrestling—to crush our dreams and hopes for something bigger, something better that may never be.

And the ultimate terrible irony of it all? Without it, WWE would shrink once more into an obscure niche sport, relegated to the most unsavoury of time slots. But what you need to ask yourself is... is it worth it? Is WWE's current situation not completely identical to letting a loved one linger on life support when their every labored breath is a hopeless wish for death? Best to put sick dogs down. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

One of my favorites

I know John Cena is a Base Breaker: he's seen as either an awesome wrestler whether he's a Face or a Heel, or as boring as heck. I believe in the former.

I'm not good as giving big descriptions, but Cena has been one of my favorite wrestlers since 2005. He may have become a Face (and sure, some people might see him as a Designated Hero), but he's still pretty talented and good with kids. Plus, I've been hoping to see either him, Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, or Daniel Bryan to beat The Authority for good.

A Heel Turn is Better For Business in the Long Run

John Cena has potential to be absolutely amazing as the top heel in the company, if only for a little while. He has a gift of drawing just about whatever type of heat he wants at will, and quite frankly, a Cena heel turn is about the only way the WWE can make the biggest match they can make, which is Cena-Undertaker at Wrestlemania, with Taker bringing his undefeated Wrestlemania streak into the match. Cena wouldn't even need to remain a heel for that long, and it would only be a matter of time before the crowd begins to turn him face anyway. And with a solid top heel run behind him, it would only make his ensuing face run that much hotter.

Greatest Heel Ever

Well, of course not right now, but John Cena has the potential to be the greatest Heel WWE has ever, ever seen. Follow me now, John Cena is a natural at it.

His wrestling ability (Shut up, he's not a terrible wrestler when he doesn't do his Face No Sell->Five Moves Of Doom->Victory) is not that of a face, sorry, not that of an interesting face. Cena taunts the fans, motivating himself not through the desire to please the audience, but the desire to spite the audience, look at his match with CM Punk. They shouted "You can't wrestle!" and Cena and Punk immediately went through a series of counters, making the audience eat their words. Cena's You Can't C Me pre-fist drop maneuver is another great disrespectful heel move.

Cena's heel gimmick is truly great, the self confidence could easily become arrogance, his contrariness could easily become cocky rebellion, and nobody likes wiggers. Cena's face gimmick is boring, phony and has been done. to. death. He's the obnoxious, no respect giving, entitled suburban white boy who thinks he's street, a perfect heel!

Finally, the man's promo skills, simply put, are excellent, yet again as a heel. When face, he seems like a bad Rock impersonator (Vocal tone and such) mixed with Hulk Hogan. Hell, his funniest promos as a face are when he's acting heel-ish, mocking others, mocking the fact that he's disliked, mocking his top position on the internet hate machine. Cena makes awesome heel a face.

With rumors flying about a Heel turn, perhaps to revitalize his career from pretty good to legendary, similar to Hulk Hogan, perhaps Cena can stop smiling when he's being shat on by the audience and bite back against the braying masses. I certainly hope so.