Discussion Main / IKEAErotica

• My Immortal. Who could forget "And then he put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it"? Lampshaded and parodied in this dramatic reading.
  • Dramatic readings take that line either to its hammiest extremes or read it incredibly monotone. No exceptions.
• Mark Moore writes in Beige Prose and is also fond of writing boring lesbian sex. This example from Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament has been described by one fanfic snark community as the only sex scene in the history of erotica ever to be written in LOGO.
  Stella turned on the water. She felt it with her left hand to determine the temperature. When it was warm, she turned on the shower. Water splashed on all three women, getting them wet. Stella hugged Reccoa. Reccoa stared back at Stella. Stella kissed Reccoa on the lips. Reccoa hugged Stella. Stella pressed her tongue against Reccoa's lips. Reccoa parted her lips and allowed Stella's tongue into her mouth. The two women french-kissed. Reccoa felt warm - both because of the water and because of Stella's kiss. Une stood behind Reccoa, pressing against her, and placed her hands on Stella's ass. Stella placed her hands on Une's ass. Une licked up the right side of Reccoa's neck repeatedly. Stella finished the kiss. "Let's turn around." Stella took her hands off of Une's ass. Une took her hands off of Stella's ass. Stella and Reccoa turned 180 degrees.
• Doctor Who fandom has an alarming number of young female fans who fantasise and/or write about inserting the Sonic Screwdriver into one orifice or another. Which, if you've had any real experience of penetration, you'd probably find too uncomfortable to contemplate. There's a reason why very very few sex toys, even the kinky ones, have hard edges.
• Most Transformers fan fiction falls into this category, only substitute "plug," "port," "cable," "valve," etc. for human genitalia. (Giant robot porn... who'da thunk?)
  • Remember Rule 34.
    • Giant robot porn with kinks, anyone?
  • Writing with this particular form of... intimacy... actually has a name among Transformers fans - stickyfics.
• Hilariously subverted in this Smallville fanfiction.
• There is a stunningly prolific Porn Without Plot writer whose "stories" consist of about three hundred words, with the characters starting, having, and completing (usually with simultaneous, written-out screams) the encounter. If you have read one of this person's stories, you have read all of them. We will not dignify the person with this by giving the name.
• America from Hetalia tries to persuade England into practicing Ikea Erotica with him. Terrifying insinuations are made. String theory somehow manages to enter the conversation. Things go horribly wrong... Probably.
• Although Sonichu is a comic, it still manages this in the form of dialogue: before sex, Rosechu tells Sonichu "Insert Rod A into Slot B", likely a shoehorned Family Guy reference. What follows is a lengthy (and squicky) segue into the physiology of electric-hedgehog-Pokémon sex.
• legolas by laura: "and then one of the orcs striped her and then he raped her and then laura said 'go away you bastard'."
  • That's more like IKEA writing. It could just as easily been "and then she stabed the orc and he fel on the floor and then she ran away."
• Battler thrusted his penis one last time and he came. She came too. Then they flew down to the ground.
  • "Battler put his penis in her clitoris."
  • "Battler fired again, at her chest (her boobs this time) and her boobs went flying off and they hit umineko in the face."
• This fic (link goes to a Live Journal comment thread, not the fic itself) combines this trope with What Do You Mean, It's Not Awesome?, with predictably hilarious results. Example: "no force at his disposal could stop the flood of semen that roared it way up his length."
• This Harry Potter fanfiction shows how Molly and Arthur give Ron and Ginny The Talk.
• This Katekyo Hitman Reborn fanfiction was apparently written for the express purpose of lampshading this trope, comprising of only eight words.
• In a memorable moment, one MSTing had a riffer (probably Crow) respond to "He inserted his rod" with "Into Slut B," earning him a Dope Slap
• The infamous "Blind Idiot" Translation fic One night of the drop of rain involves a "sex" scene which reads "It inserted its body into the other one".

• "Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."
• It may be worth mentioning that 'Shannon Michaels' (a man, by the way) is an Author Avatar. Yes.
  • Would it be cruel to mention that there is an audiobook done by the man himself? Off with those pants!
• Sadly, there is no mention of falafel.

(example for How Not To Write A Novel) Weepingcock - a LiveJournal community devoted to the sporking of bad porn of all kinds - looks at this examples provided in the book here.

(example for The Handmaid's Tale)

"My red skirt is hitched up to my waist, though no higher. Below it the Commander is fucking. What he is fucking is the lower part of my body. I do not say making love, because this is not what he's doing. Copulating too would be inaccurate, because it would imply two people and only one is involved. "

• This definitely NSFW book review has sex passages quoted that defy the imagination. They are SO bad, in fact, that they make My Immortal seem like deathless erotic prose by comparison. Read it and you, too, can be torn between wanting to laugh at the ridiculousness and wanting to weep that the author got PAID to publish this.
  • Not only is there IKEA Erotica, but also a clear case of You Keep Using That Word (dude- a codpiece is a real thing...!).
  • One of the comments references this trope, in relation to a scene that's not merely badly written but physically impossible within the constraints of baseline human anatomy:
    "This isn't just IKEA Erotica, it's IKEA Erotica that didn't follow the assembly instructions."
  • "A disappointed queeb sound"?! Queeb?!? (Annotation: The word "queeb" actually seems to exist as a slang term for "vaginal flatulence". Good to know.)
  • "Just when I think it can’t get any more intense, Mabel plunges her arm into me well past her wrist..." ...past the wrist? Owww... * Crosses legs.*