We try to kill SCP-682

Result: Fail. 682 recently gave info that he CAN be killed, somehow.

Test: Geometry.

"Fucking hell, if this isn't it..." Dr.      

Result: Failed 682 breaches containment using [REDACTED] acquired from [REDACTED] a nearby pillar [REDACTED]ing, a chain, [REDACTED]ed in Agent Riddle's salsa sauce, [REDACTED] math and the Pythagorean theorem.

Multiple casualties reported, including [REDACTED] researchers, agents, and a Geometry book.

"...Great, now he's trying to measure the dimensions of the containment cell. This is bad."

Test: Travel back in time and leave him in a room with Teddy Roosevelt.

Result: FAILURE. After a long battle, Roosevelt agreed to spare the SCP-682. Later, during the 1909 election, he was selected to be the Republican candidate in place of Taft when Roosevelt stepped down.

"On the bright side, we now know how [REDACTED] was legalized." -Dr.      

TEST: Send someone back in time to retrieve President SCP-682.

Result: Success. SCP-682 recontained and timeline returned to normal.

Proposal: Feed it remotely detonated high explosives.

edited 8th Feb '13 5:05:57 AM by Voyd211

RESULT: CANCELED, we already tried that!

TEST: kill it with kindness. be overly nice to it give it five star meals let it live in a better containment chamber.

TEST: retry removing its brain. this time use more powerful sedatives.

RESULT 1: Failure. SCP-682 graciously interpreted the five-star meals to be the D-class personnel that served as waiters. However, this allows us to clean the original containment chamber while we continue testing on SCP-682.

RESULT 2: Failure. The anesthetic managed to keep SCP-682 asleep for a while, but the incision tools would only cut so deep before breaking.

Test: Feed SCP-682 a Death Sandwich.

Note that the only way to eat a Death Sandwich is with a mullet and cut jean shorts, and only those articles of clothes alone. Not eating it right kills you.

Result: Failure. SCP-682 morphed its body to have a mullet and cut jean shorts before eating the sandwich.

Test: Send it in an experimental shuttlecraft at warp 10 until it turns into a Salamander

Maybe it will die from the nonsensical plot - Dr. Rights

RESULT: FAILED, the speed did turn him into a salamander. but after returning to containment he morphed back into his original form.

TEST: keep feeding 682 till he explodes.

"I DON'T CARE IF WE HAVE TO SHOVE FOOD UP IS ASS JUST TRY IT!!!" DR-[REDACTED]

edited 10th Feb '13 2:58:24 PM by shiloh224

Result: Failure. SCP-682 simply kept increasing in size. Experiment terminated.

Proposal: Send it to Golarion and let the Pathfinder Society deal with it.

Result: Failure. We were unable to locate plane. Maybe someone screwed the timeline up and destroyed it.

Test: Try fourthwall suite against subject using Dr. ....

"I just want to see the carnage!", Dr (Data not found)

Result: Failure, unable to retrieve fourthwall suit at this time

Test: hotbox 682's cell with SCP-420J

RESULT: FAILURE, 682 got extreme munchies and ate {REDACTED] D-class personell.

TEST: make 682 watch every episode of My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic.

"maybe it will teach him the importance of being nice, either that or it will annoy him to death." DR.BRIGHT

Result: Failure. Instead of any of the predicted positive effects, 682 got the idea to make a night that lasts forever. Recontainment required forty-six doses of Class C amnesiacs and an excessive amount of D-Class.

Proposal: Send it to Runeterra, and sign it up as a Champion.

If nothing else, this'll be entertaining. - Researcher Veldi

Result: Failure. He was placed on a team with Cho'gath, Kha'zix, Kog'maw, Nocturne, and Draven. The following battle was nothing short of one-sided, and the League may now summon SCP-682 whenever they wish.

Test: Expose SCP-682 to SCP-4445.

Result: Failure. 682 simply destroyed the computer.

Test: Drop 682 into the universe of [DATA EXPUNGED], with O-5 approval. Make sure he actually gets through the one-way portal this time.

Result: Failure. Moments before transfer, SCP-682 was summoned to Runeterra for a League of Legends match.

Okay, maybe that was a bad idea. - Researcher Veldi

Proposal: Repeat previous test, after requesting that the League refrain from summoning SCP-682 for the time being.

You're doing it wrong, you need to have a result for the previous one.

edited 14th Feb '13 6:35:51 AM by Voyd211

Test: Have it fight Alucard, Alex Mercer, Dante (Son of Sparda) and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann simultaneously.

Result: Failure. After lockin' away the four aforementioned individuals in a large gym sized room with titanium walls for about an hour, we opened the door to find thr room filled with smoke and the SCP-682 standin' in a pile of ash with nary a scratch on it. We are still tryin' to figure out exactly what the hell happened.

Test: Have Marvin the Paranoid Android engage SCP-682 in conversation.

Result: After a hour, Marvin walks out looking happy.

Test: Make 682 talk to the Irate gamer. Hell if it doesn't work we still get rid of the irate gamer.

Result: Catastrophic failure. The Irate Gamer ended up riding on the back of the rampaging SCP-682, breaching containment and causing [REDACTED] casualties. Both parties later admitted that the experience was "The most fun [they've] ever had."

Proposal: Send it cheesy movies, the worst we can find. Also place in the room SCP-106 and SCP-953.

No, I'm totally not trying to make entertaining videos out of these three. - Researcher Veldi

Result: Failiure. 682 has developed a taste for Tommy Wiseau and Nic Cage.

"If I hear 'I did naht hit her' out of 682 one more time..." — Dr. Bright

Test: Show SCP 682 mspaintadventures.com.

Test: No real results. It was entertained until it reached the current page of Homestuck, upon which it immediately declared itself the "Lord of Death" and attempted to find a "quest bed."

"Seriously, who thought this was smart? That just gave it ideas." - Researcher Veldi

Proposal: Make it read bad Redwall yiff fic. Again, with SCP-106 and SCP-953

edited 14th Feb '13 5:58:20 PM by Voyd211

Result: Failure. After their last time we tried this, the three SC Ps cooperated and staged a breakout, leading to the deaths of [REDACTED] D-class personnel and [REDACTED] civilians before being recaptured.

Let's not try that again, shall we? - Dr.████

Test: Dragon Kick its ass into the Milky Way

Result: Already tried it, didn't work.

Test: Place SCP-682 in a large containment chamber and introduce every single SCP that could conceivably be fatal, including ones already tested, into the chamber at once. Lock the chamber and cease observation for fifteen minutes. Then launch the containment chamber into the sun. Then fire every single nuclear weapon on the planet on the sun.

Dr.██████████: [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] the world, just get rid of that damn lizard!

Secondary Test: Feed it a cup of "Dear God No" from SCP-294.

edited 17th Feb '13 8:40:17 AM by X789

Primary test result: Cancelled.

No... just, no. - Dr.████

Secondary test result: 682 swallowed it and looked satisfied, promptly asking for more.

Test: Have Iihiko fire a rubber band◊ at it.