SPACETRAVEL's Serial Thing

I'm here as you requested. Let me tell you first of all; I'm no big fan of Science Fiction Literature. The main reason I'm reading this is because you asked in Random Conversation, to be brutally honest. Because of that, I'll refrain from touching upon the plot. But as an aspiring (just lazy) writer, I'll give my piece of mind concerning the rest.

Uhm...you posted this list before. Mind if I use that?

• Flat characters that can't be connected with/Lack of characterization/people you know nothing about but are expected to care for (yeah, I joined the two first)

- Uhm...I'm not really feeling these characters. You give Lux a good backstory and some good personality quirks. I also liked the family you gave him; very nice. The Fates were pretty cool. But the rest...I get a faint touch of coolness off Audrey and Ginger, but there's not enough to clinch it any way. Yamagata and Millie were interesting, BTW. I wouldn't mind seeing more of them...

• No emotional tension

- This one checks out okay. I'm feeling Lux's fear and tension and the Fates' surprise very good. It was a bit lackluster to start with (the tension was there, but there was no reason for it to be there), but it got better.

• Humorous where it's not supposed to be

- Very good humour at perfect timing...except for those last three paragraphs. The point you're trying to make kinda drowns in what I hazard to guess is supposed to be entertaining.

• Inconsistent, random perspective

- Yeah, the first parts when they were sitting at the table were pretty confusing to. I had no clue who was supposed to be the main character. It all got better when they started moving, though, and it stayed great to the end.

• Generally unrefined work

- Nope. Looking pretty good. I am a descriptions-freak, though. I would love to know more about this world and my inner fanboy screams for background history, geographical and political conditions, but it's not really required.  ^*

^{What I consider as}

The bare bones we get is enough.

• Level of writing that is below where a 20-year-old with plenty of practice should be working at (IMPORTANT)

- Again, looking very good.

• Overusing anything

- Tempted to put down the word "axes", but that's just because I was so stupid I didn't realize it was plural of "axis" before Lux was meeting the Fates.

• Failure to adequately convey what is going on

- Again, the first parts are a bit confusing concerning who's who and what on earth they are discussing. Some more backstory would be nice. Shush, inner fantasy-fanboy.

• Purposeless imagery

- Nope. All is as it should be.

• Sense of intellectual weakness behind the writing or the writer's general unfamiliarity/inexperience with their own language/world

- No, you seem very competent...except...oh, this is gonna sound a bit weird. It feels like there's no other part of this world than Audrey's Bar, the nearby alleys, the Langley Scyscraper and the Fates' residences in the Cyber World. Those locations kinda drift in a shadow-world, with no mooring points except where they are positioned to eachother. I have no doubt there is a world there, and you seem ready to use it...but I just can't see it. And that would okay, had the locations you used been solid enough. But even they seem ephemeral, not quite there. I've read stories with that few locations before, and that's okay: because they were strong locations. They had...firmament. The locations shine through beautifully at times (I really liked the scene in the big hall), but at some times they're not there at all.

Right, these are my first impressions. Like I said, I'm not familiar with the genre you're writing in, so I'm not sure how to judge it. It is a great story! ...but it could be better.

EDIT: Hey! No one told me this would be a page-topper. Man, now I look like some jerkass know-it-all...

edited 1st Mar '10 8:38:42 AM by Lemurian

Join us in our quest to play all RPG video games! Moving on to disc 2 of Grandia!

Just to reiterate: read, enjoyed, commented. Could definitely use editing, but then any first draft could. Don't know if it'd be better to keep going or to refine it now—whichever works for your process, I suppose.

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Also read, also enjoyed. Unfortunately, I am not a great judge of good writing, but there's certainly nothing there that I consider bad writing, and as I say, I enjoyed it.

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Much easier to follow now, and some of the confusing bits are clear. Still fascinating and easier to read. I'd say you're on the right track.

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.

I'll still go over the first part again, along with the rest, updating when each is edited. I really want to get to writing more, as it's all in my head waiting.

Ce ne pas un post.

The first post has been edited again, and even if I might still have to go back for something, it will have to be later. The rest needs to get done sometime.

I added a little more about Aubrey London and a tiny bit of background on why the little meeting was so hard to set up—he and Lux are two people not likely to be found sitting still at the same time. Let me know if it gives anything to the story and your impressions of the two of them.

Some writing.

Definitely starting to flesh out and become easier to follow.

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.

This post will prevent this thread from vanishing into the next page. Page Two is death. Two plus two is five.

Also, to remind myself to get something done on this tonight.

Ce ne pas un post.

Hello, my name is AFGNCAAP, and I am a perfectly nice person who keeps putting villains in her avatar. I confess that my dream avatar would have one of the villains from this story in it—that is, anyone from this story whatsoever.

Also, edited the second post and made a few more very, very small changes to the first. But enough with that one.

edited 4th Apr '10 2:09:09 AM by AFGNCAAP

Some writing.

Third post is edited.

Some writing.

It's losing some of the weirdness and sense of discombobulation the roughs had, but it is much more readable, easier to follow (which is mostly what's diminishing the discombobulation) and still just as powerful. I stand by my earlier opinion: you have something that is largely right here. The bones are solid, the muscles are strong, and now the skin is working as well. It's starting to really come alive...

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.

Fourth post is done. I don't know about you, but the actual use of the word "cyberspace" was severe narm to me.

Ce ne pas un post.

double post

edited 4th Apr '10 10:36:22 PM by harmattane

Ce ne pas un post.

The fifth post is edited as well.

Ce ne pas un post.

And the next post.

Also, drew a better Lux II for you◊. It may not be as neat as the last drawing, but it's more...him. Or whatever you're supposed to call someone with no gender in a formal narrative context.

Some writing.

Now the seventh is done. Sorry if I'm going too fast, but I want to write again.

Ce ne pas un post.

SORT OF WANT

I second English Ivy. I'm like, pinup, wut.

Lux has outfits that would make you speak in unicode symbols for days.

I'm nearly finished editing. I'm out of time for today, but I'll do more tomorrow.

Ce ne pas un post.

I've edited the next post and only part of the one after that. The edited bit is only up until Fang's dialogue ("No."). I thought it was important that that bit should go in with the post before. I will finish that one tomorrow.

Ce ne pas un post.

I just don't know what to do with the section I'm supposed to be editing right now. However, this is what Demetrius London looks like as of this chapter. WARNING: DO NOT CLICK if afraid of children◊, though Demetrius is the single most unscary thing ever unless you're coming after his older self with murderous intent, in which case you're going to die in thirty nanoseconds anyway.

His hair is white—in his family, it's not uncommon to go totally grey at around age two. He's the kind of child who observes more than he talks and, as a result, knows everything about the people close to him, down to the embarrassing details. Incredibly calm and adaptable for his age, he sometimes frightens people unintentionally—with the exception of own relatives, who have a fractured Addams Family thing going on and are used to freakiness from each other. His blood pressure is so low that his doctor wonders that he's even functional.

The other two Londons in Iosethep, who might get a paragraph at best in the entire story, are his cousin Dr. October "Bonesaw" London, Aubrey's much younger brother Foxy London, and Aubrey's great aunt (!!) Chastity "Moggie" London. Why Aubrey may have been more accomodating to Lux than he should have been may be that where they come from is not so different. The Londons aren't villainously inclined, though.

edited 13th Apr '10 1:25:03 AM by harmattane

Ce ne pas un post.

Emptily bumping the thread with another illustration, this time of Ginger.◊ What, she only gets a passing mention (are you sure that's all she's ever going to be)? And what about my running out of people to draw and needing to acually do something?

Why would I even draw someone who only gets a few sentences? Well, just wait and see...

EDIT: Of course I had to give Ginger a dress.◊ The bottle does not hold alcohol—in fact, upon closer inspection, you'd find it empty. How wrong you would be. And the thing on the front of the dress is supposed to at least look like a bird skull.

May be very mild NSFW—being a femme fatale, she dresses like one.

edited 17th Apr '10 2:13:54 AM by harmattane

Ce ne pas un post.

DONE EDITING. Finally!

But the bad part is that I kind of went back over everything to finish it off. I'll be nice and just tell you the parts I altered so you can skip the rest. In the first post, I hope to have added a little more of a dynamic between Lux and Aubrey rather than having it just a be one-sided. As well, Demetrius got a little more characterization early on.

Nothing else changed after that until Lux is talking to the Fates and asks if they'd tell him what's going on inside the building. Instead of them just describing it, I had them create for him some actual imagery just because they can. This includes a romantic bit between Aubrey and Ginger that should make her more than just an extra (which she's not), should make it mean a little something when he gets killed and is pretty damn important. Past that, I edited everything I hadn't edited before.

In general, knowing that most everyone found Lux's characterization okay, I did my best to make Aubrey a character instead of the tour guide of the chapter, give you something to remember Demetrius by for later, have the Fates actually do something and show Ginger's importance/make her less of a random deus ex machina because she's not one.

I hope it's better now. It certainly feels better. Next time, I'll write something new—yay!

edited 17th Apr '10 6:10:46 AM by harmattane

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Please relentlessly remind me to do this tomorrow. Be merciless.

Ce ne pas un post.

(reminds you to do this tomorrow)