Favorite lines from your own writing

I keep wanting to see a gesture or a facial expression on Sonic's last line, there...

Other than that, nothing that particularly stands out for me.

"I'm not letting the likes of you into my clinic, get it? You'll probably drink my rubbing alcohol. I want to drink that rubbing alcohol!"

and

"Oh my God, what were Adolph Hitler's parents thinking when they named him Adolph Hitler?"

I keep wanting to see a gesture or a facial expression on Sonic's last line, there...

Damn, I knew I forgot something! I'll edit in it.

Other than that, nothing that particularly stands out for me.

So... it's pretty average?

I did an analysis of it. If you didn't want that, don't read any further, let me know, and I'll edit it out.

"¡Olé!" - probably don't need the upside down exclamation mark here. He may be using a Spanish word, but we're not writing in Spanish.

"As Goht ran past him" - A bit repetitive, you just said "Goht ran." Perhaps replace Goht with a description?

"With the cloth trapped in his hoof, the mechanical bull staggered around in a confused manner. " - Why would it be confused by cloth stuck in its hoof? I'm also not seeing how this would make him very clumsy. It might be better to have the cloth get stuck on his horns, blinding him.

"Aaahhh!!!" - Multiple exclamations points are a no-no. Spelling out screams and such is generally not a good idea, either, although you can make it work as a style if you're careful about it. It usually works better just to say that the character made a noise. For example, "Goht let loose a frustrated scream."

"I'll kill you, damn rat!" - This line feels clumsy to me. Perhaps "you damn rat" might make it work better?

"You couldn't kill a marshmallow puff..." - How does one kill a marshmallow puff? If you're trying to establish Sonic as not to bright (or at least bad at metaphors), I guess this works. If not, maybe something that's easy to kill. "You couldn't kill an afternoon?" "You couldn't kill a cornered gnat with a stick of dynamite?" I dunno. Something that you can actually kill, metaphorically or literally.

"Grr...!!! Aargh!!!" - See above about exclamation marks and sound effects in dialog.

"where the horns are lodged in." - You just shifted tense. Be sure to stay in the past tense if that's how you're telling the story. "where the horns were lodged in."

"As the bull shook around harder and harder, the crack expanded, travelling up the wall. " - This is good imagery. Nice. (Traveling is spelled wrong, but that's a nitpick.)

"The crack ran into a huge pile of boulders, slowly dislodging them from the ceiling. " - There's a pile of boulders... in the ceiling? If the ceiling is made of large rocks, they probably wouldn't be boulder-sized, and they probably can't be described as a pile.

"The crash caused the visible crack to go completely through the boulders." - Wait, you said they'd already been dislodged. Why didn't they fall then? Also, the crack going completely through the boulders bit doesn't make a lot of visual sense. Is the crack running through the mortar around the rocks, or the rocks themselves? All of them or just some?

"One of the falling rocks fell right on top of Goht's masked head. The boulder caused the head to completely sever off, sending it flying to the other side of the room." - That... really doesn't make physical sense. If the rock fell right on top of his head, his head should fall down, not go flying off in another direction.

"The Blue Blur jumped in joy." - You haven't mentioned Sonic is a while, it took me a long time to realize that was who you meant. Probably a better idea to use his name here.

"Tatl flew out from the alcove and went over to the celebrating hedgehog." - I'm assuming she was mentioned earlier and this is just an excerpt, but I was wondering where the heck she came from (and who she is, but I haven't played a Sonic game since the Genesis.)

“Well, that wasn’t exactly the word I was thinking of…” - Easy on the ellipses. Use in moderation.

"Somebody has to keep your huge ego in check, " said Tatl, flashing him a half-smile. "Now let's get out of here already!" - This is really cute. I like it. (You forgot the closing quotation mark, but again, nitpicking.)

Okay, final thoughts: Not wonderful, but certainly not bad. Just needs polishing and editing.

Yeah, I meant glaring error-wise. Some days, I nitpick everything, and on others, I'd be the lousiest editor in the world. I think I was leaning towards the latter yesterday.

I did an analysis of it. If you didn't want that, don't read any further, let me know, and I'll edit it out.

I don't mind. Any constructive feedback is much appreciated.

"¡Olé!" - probably don't need the upside down exclamation mark here. He may be using a Spanish word, but we're not writing in Spanish.

Alright.

"As Goht ran past him" - A bit repetitive, you just said "Goht ran." Perhaps replace Goht with a description?

I think it's best I omit that part altogether.

"With the cloth trapped in his hoof, the mechanical bull staggered around in a confused manner. " - Why would it be confused by cloth stuck in its hoof? I'm also not seeing how this would make him very clumsy. It might be better to have the cloth get stuck on his horns, blinding him.

Yeah, that would make a lot more sense.

"Aaahhh!!!" - Multiple exclamations points are a no-no. Spelling out screams and such is generally not a good idea, either, although you can make it work as a style if you're careful about it. It usually works better just to say that the character made a noise. For example, "Goht let loose a frustrated scream."

How about this: "Ghot let loose a frustrated scream, stomping his sharp metal hooves on the rock-hard ground."

"I'll kill you, damn rat!" - This line feels clumsy to me. Perhaps "you damn rat" might make it work better?

Looking it over, you're right. "I'll kill you, you damn rat!" doesn't really sound like something one would say in a situation like this.

"You couldn't kill a marshmallow puff..." - How does one kill a marshmallow puff? If you're trying to establish Sonic as not to bright (or at least bad at metaphors), I guess this works. If not, maybe something that's easy to kill. "You couldn't kill an afternoon?" "You couldn't kill a cornered gnat with a stick of dynamite?" I dunno. Something that you can actually kill, metaphorically or literally.

Alright. How about: "You couldn't kill time?"

"Grr...!!! Aargh!!!" - See above about exclamation marks and sound effects in dialog.

Yeah, that's getting omitted as well.

"where the horns are lodged in." - You just shifted tense. Be sure to stay in the past tense if that's how you're telling the story. "where the horns were lodged in."

Oops, I didn't catch that. Thank you for pointing that out.

"As the bull shook around harder and harder, the crack expanded, travelling up the wall. " - This is good imagery. Nice. (Traveling is spelled wrong, but that's a nitpick.)

Strange. Both of my spellcheckers never called me out on that.

"The crack ran into a huge pile of boulders, slowly dislodging them from the ceiling. " - There's a pile of boulders... in the ceiling? If the ceiling is made of large rocks, they probably wouldn't be boulder-sized, and they probably can't be described as a pile.

You're right. Should I describe them as "a bunch of large rocks lining the edge connecting the wall to the ceiling?"

"The crash caused the visible crack to go completely through the boulders." - Wait, you said they'd already been dislodged. Why didn't they fall then? Also, the crack going completely through the boulders bit doesn't make a lot of visual sense. Is the crack running through the mortar around the rocks, or the rocks themselves? All of them or just some?

Yeah, the crack's supposed to go throught the mortar holding the rocks in place. A rewrite's in order, then.

"One of the falling rocks fell right on top of Goht's masked head. The boulder caused the head to completely sever off, sending it flying to the other side of the room." - That... really doesn't make physical sense. If the rock fell right on top of his head, his head should fall down, not go flying off in another direction.

Oh dear. I failed physics with that one. Would "One of the falling rocks fell right on top of Goht's masked head. The boulder caused the head to completely sever off, sending it flying to the ground below. The masked head tumbled a bit away from the headless body, landing in a nearby ditch." suffice?

"The Blue Blur jumped in joy." - You haven't mentioned Sonic is a while, it took me a long time to realize that was who you meant. Probably a better idea to use his name here.

Yeah, it's best I do that. "Blue Blur" is an obscure reference only Sonic fans would get, anyway.

"Tatl flew out from the alcove and went over to the celebrating hedgehog." - I'm assuming she was mentioned earlier and this is just an excerpt, but I was wondering where the heck she came from (and who she is, but I haven't played a Sonic game since the Genesis.)

She's not from a Sonic game. The story I'm writing is a Lo Z crossover/adaptation of Majora's Mask. Tatl's the Exposition Fairy from said game.

“Well, that wasn’t exactly the word I was thinking of…” - Easy on the ellipses. Use in moderation.

Ah, right. Don't wanna make the characters out to be suicidal.

"Somebody has to keep your huge ego in check, " said Tatl, flashing him a half-smile. "Now let's get out of here already!" - This is really cute. I like it. (You forgot the closing quotation mark, but again, nitpicking.)

Oops, I forgot. Thak you for pointing this out.

Okay, final thoughts: Not wonderful, but certainly not bad. Just needs polishing and editing.

Okay, so other than the grammatical and logical hiccups, the prose itself is at least alright?

edited 24th Apr '09 9:51:19 AM by Komodin

"Please. If you would just hear me out for three minutes..."

"I'm sure you could convince me in three seconds. So I'm leaving NOW."

The opening line in my work:

"This is a really shitty piece of literature!" *throws book against the wall*

Trying to write a novel right now, actually. Favourite line one, from the dedication.

"For David, without whom this novel would contain the word “Ethereal” twelve times. And four of those times it was spelt wrong."

Another part from a talking sword with serious social problems:

"Forty Years Is Half The Length Of Your Life. I Am Eternal. I Could Sit In Lucas’ Basement For A Thousand Years If I Wanted, And You Wouldn’t Be Laughing Then Would You? Because You’d Be Dead."

Probaby doesn't sound fun outside of context, but I just like the line.

"I'm sorry, I sleep with my eyes open! While... standing. And walking. And eating. Sometimes killing. ...At least I'm not a bedwetter!"

edited 27th Apr '09 5:34:45 PM by Made of Meat

The shark circled slowly, her abyss-black eyes unreadable and unchanging.

"Mara! I beseech you, humbly, Queen of the Sea. You must stop your people. This plague... it's making them go mad. The Balance is — is disrupted," said Uro, suppressing a shudder in his fins.

Toal nudged him, and hissed in her smallest voice, "What did I say? You mustn't show emotion!"

Mara's mouth worked as she eyed their party, floating helpless in the empty dark blue pelagic waters, as if her teeth were itching. There was nothing else, but her and them.

"What do I care of such small concerns? I have lived countless seasons, and always it is the small things that change. Not the important ones," Mara said.

Uro stilled the slight quiver in his dorsal fin. He knew it didn't matter if he did or didn't. Mara, like all sharks, saw the invisible fields of his body, and could see straight through surface appearances. Almost as if peering into his soul.

"But what is important?" he asked softly.

"I hunt... I eat... I mate... I am content. What my people do is their business."

edited 27th Apr '09 7:59:53 PM by [AOD]

"That's how you'd be effected by a female in heat?"

"...All right, smart guy. Can you get an erection on-demand? ...I thought so."

It makes more sense in context...

edited 28th Apr '09 9:26:30 AM by Cherry

"Affected", I believe, would be the right word to use.

I thought that, too. Then when I looked it up it came back with "put-on", "faked". So Yeah...

Really? Huh. That's odd — although I have heard that meaning for "affected" before. Ah well, my mistake then.

But then again...?

edited 28th Apr '09 9:29:50 AM by [AOD]

(sigh)

No wonder foreigners complain about English being so hard - two sources don't always agree! >_<

Effect: Something that causes change.

Affect: How the effect changes something.

Affect can mean both putting on airs and bringing about change. Because English doesn't like you.

Edit: This has already been said. I swear I read the posts, ma! :B

edited 28th Apr '09 2:16:15 PM by Zetaseal

Edited back (I had it at "affected" before proving myself "wrong") in the main text but I'm too lazy to edit it here.

Also, "affect" is a term used in psychology to describe emotional response. "Flat affect", for example, is used to describe a severe reduction in emotional expressiveness.

From a chapter I just wrote tonight. Claire, in addition to being Anything That Moves, is also something of a Gamer Chick.

“Damned bloody right we heard her,” Claire said as she put her helmet on. “So let’s go. It’s the last dungeon, boys and girls. Don’t count on finding a save point.”

“This had better not be like one of your roleplaying games,” Josefine warned as she gave her rifle a final check. “They never end well. Either everybody dies, or it turns out to be a total mindfuck.”

edited 28th Apr '09 6:17:41 PM by Eddie Van Helsing

It's good to see so many professional-level zingers from the people here.

Anyway, my favorite quote from my work ( the Ruby's World comic in my signature ) has to be the following line uttered by Ruby's friend/potential love interest Jiro, when her father is sticking him up...

" But Hal has no ill motive. His heart is good...unfortunately, that leaves me to remove his head from his ass. "

Well, I have my wife read everything I write. If something doesn't work, she makes me change it. I'm going to have to name her as a coauthor.

Is it okay if I use quotes for a project I've been working on but haven't actually written yet? Most of these are from a character I've made named Yuichi Jule (who I describe as so cynical he can't even trust his own motives).

"Didn't your parents teach you to respect your elders?"

Yuichi: Yes. That's why I make sure never to do it.

(expressing the philosophy that allows him to Screw Destiny)

—>Yuichi: I'm not doing this because of some prophecy. I'm going to go there and fight because I want to beat the hell out of that guy! And if what I do just so happens to go along with what some old fart said hundreds of years ago? Then good for him for guessing right!

(when being mocked by the Big Bad for trying to fulfill the Big Prophecy)

—>Big Bad: So tell me, boy. Who chose you?

—>Yuichi: I chose me!

edited 29th Apr '09 8:18:51 PM by sgamer82