Requesting draft critique

OK, so I've been having a bit of trouble developing my series Rhythmic Pretty Cure over the past year, so it's gone through several drafts, including that to which I'm about to link. Then just a few months ago, I realized that the answer was pretty simple: I had to watch some Yes! Pretty Cure 5 and Smile Pretty Cure! to get the right feel for my series, and also so it'd feel more "Pretty Cure-like" in tone. Now, before we begin, I'm getting sick of people asking me if I've actually watched anything Pretty Cure, so I'll just say I've watched the first quarters of Futari wa Pretty Cure and HappinessCharge Pretty Cure!, the first few episodes of Fresh Pretty Cure!, and the obvious required reading (so to speak) for anyone who wants to do a Curefic inspired by Yes! Pretty Cure 5 and Smile Pretty Cure. BTW I've presently watched the first four episodes each of both, and this month I'm planning to watch episodes 5 and 6 of YPC5, episode 5 of SmPC, and, as it presently progresses, Go! Princess Pretty Cure.

Also, a synopsis for this episode: a first-year student at Altair Private Academy, Hitomi Ichinose, having witnessed a light show from his bedroom the night before, has a chance run-in with a strange girl who can transform into a rabbit while he's doing some last-minute birthday shopping for a friend of his and, when a monster that can turn people into stone strikes, Hitomi defends his new shapeshifting friend and gains the resolve to fight for her world, becoming the magical warrior Cure Twirl. (And before you ask, no, it's not supposed to be a parody.)

And now, what do my fellow tropers think of this? Do I need to add, remove, or otherwise alter anything for my next draft? Or is it good as is? Looking for feedback here.

edited 19th Feb '15 1:06:09 PM by ryanasaurus0077

Bumping because I'm concerned that I may not have unlocked the file correctly. Anyone able to access it?

We actually have a thread for this. It's called "Uncle Drunkie's Writer/Critic Dating Service." Go check it out.

Yes, well, about that... Uncle Drunkie's hasn't been getting much customers lately. I think I'm the only one to have gone there in the past day or two.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to bump this once again, to indicate that I'm likely really desperate for input from someone somewhere on my draft. Seriously, has the fanfiction business been slow here lately?

edited 14th Feb '15 3:28:16 PM by ryanasaurus0077

Bumping to say I've written a new draft since the initial post to include the collectible item for the series. Apart from minor grammar fixes, nothing else has changed. Anyone able to access the draft via the link provided?

The thing about finding critics on TV Tropes — or anywhere for that matter — is that it's a waiting game. First people have to notice your post, then they have to have seen enough Pretty Cure themselves to be confident in their knowledge, then they have to be interested in giving critiques, and even then their critiques might not be useful.

Honestly (and I'm sorry for being so rude here) I think you should just write it, put it up somewhere, and move on to your next thing.^note Mostly because threads like this one are redundant, and — again — we already have the Writer/Critic Dating Service. If someone finds it later on and wants to critique it, all the better. I've just found, as a writer, that it's just not healthy to agonize over a single thing while you wait for people.

Thanks for the advice.