Justify the insane story premise above you

Cell phones are alive and drunk. They vomit emoticons.

I become a librarian...IN HECK.

The books list every damned soul and every crime, and it's your job to ensure that they're escorted to their individual punishments without resistance.^note I got the reference, by the way.

War breaks out over who ate the last complimentary jelly bean in a UN meeting.

That jelly bean was the last piece of food on Earth.

Jackie Chan arrives at Mysterious Man's (look it up) house and kills him. Jackie rides away on a pterodactyl soon afterwards and goes inside the Loch Ness Monster's pancreas.

It's a dream brought on by chocolate.

Ducks have taken over the world using a death satellite operating on Pringles.

Pringles are actually one of the best batteries in the world in this story's universe.

Sentient Xbox 360 controllers go on a night on the town with cyborg mummies.

Video game consoles and controllers are very abundant forms of technology, easy for some mad experimenter to modify.

An ordinary painting of a sailboat may potentially cause the Earth's destruction.

The painting is a suspended moment in time, where a sailboat in the 1400s would've unsealed unspoken horrors from beneath the sea.

A vampire mafia is attacking a chocolate factory

edited 1st Nov '14 12:10:05 AM by Nouct

(Some vampires wanted to stay dry while the others feel the pain.) The factory was secretly using blood in their chocolate in order to alter the color and flavor.

Pizza Companies around the world begin to accept snakes as payment.

edited 1st Nov '14 12:25:13 AM by Aespai

There is a prevalent rumor being spread that the secret to gold-creating alchemy has been discovered, and it involves a snake-based ritual. This is, of course, a lie, and Each performance of the ritual actually contributed to the release of the Sealed Evil in a Can.

An average man is gnawing on a stop sign.

The man is hungry and the stop sign is a stop sign shaped lolly pop.

A Vietnam veteran bites off the ear of a nihilist.

The veteran is a zombie.

The world's oxygen has been turned into chocolate!

It turns out that letting a 10-year-old make a wish is a bad idea.

Only old computers can save the day!

Because the modern technologies have been hacked by a super genius who is only experienced with technology made post-2007, so the simple solution is to throw him a curveball.

The world is entering a crisis due to cookie shortage.

I ate all the cookies. They were delish.

The world is ruled by the French penguin cyborgs created by Dr Gero and Doctor Who.

edited 1st Nov '14 3:15:27 PM by DevilPsyco

The tech and resources required for the augments are alien in origin. Gero lied to The Doctor to get his hands on them.

A single floor tile holds the secret to time travel.

Said floor tile is made with a material which holds quantum properties, created to be a key component in a teleportation device.

All stationary surfaces in the world have spontaneously developed the viscosity of gelatin.

An evil genius went overboard with his plan to trap the spy who was after him.

All beds have suddenly eaten everyone sleeping on them.

They have been possessed by demons.

Farts start to smell like strawberries.

This happens due to a radical change in intestinal bacteria content.

The staff of a high school are building a Humongous Mecha.

They really want to win the robotics building contest.

Two girls try and replace their father's heart with a time bomb.

Because the time-bomb is from another dimension where time goes in the opposite direction as ours, the timer is going up. Thus, instead of destroying anything, it slowly makes stuff stronger. Unfortunately, With Great Power Comes Great Insanity, so their dad goes on a murdering spree. Can Mary Sue and Marty Stu^*  They aren't actually twins; they are technically from the same parents, but they are from opposite dimensions; parallel parents save the day? Also a Cat Girl is in there somewhere.

Genies begin rebelling against Nintendo and Nike, leading to an intense turn-based legal battle.

Both of them have been using a magic lamp as a fuel source, straining the genies inside of them. Unfortunately, on a busy day, they overexerted the lamps, shattering the lamps and freeing the genies inside. Knowing that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, they decided to file a lawsuit against the companies.

The earth is slowly fading from existence!

Greenhouse effect.

A hamster and a snake become best friends and start a band.

edited 4th Nov '14 3:27:31 PM by Cappuccino

The snake is a misunderstood vegetarian who just wants friends and the mouse always wanted to play music. So, they put aside their differences and shake up the music world.

A zebra tries to eat the rings of Venus.

I had meant to say Saturn actually, butttt your reply was better for my mistake. Nice one!

edited 4th Nov '14 3:25:18 PM by Sibuna

It's, like, a metaphor, man. The zebra represents you. Venus represents your dreams.

And the rings represent my bu–

Wait. What rings? Ohmigosh you're from a parallel dimension!!! Tell me your secrets!!!

But yeah, no, let's just say some drugs fell in NASA's water supply.

.

Fedoras AREN'T COOL.

edited 4th Nov '14 3:24:16 PM by Dimentiosome