Things I've Learned From Comics

Over the years, as you pursue the comic genre, you'll learn certain lessons that'll give you a certain degree of savviness. Among these lessons:

• If your Secret Identity is discovered by anybody, don't worry! If you're a villain, they'll Go Mad from the Revelation; if they're on the side of the angels, a good ol' bout of Laser-Guided Amnesia will come their way.
• Chased by a tank or other armored vehicle? If you're the strong guy, just grab it and shake it like a piggybank; the soldiers or henchmen will come stumbling out.
• If you encounter a red object with a yellow & black stripe, for God's sake, stay back!
• Never put Scott Free in a Death Trap; it's just a waste of time.
• If you're framed for a crime (or brainwashed into committing a crime), nobody will ever give you the benefit of the doubt if you try to tell the truth. Apparently, track records don't count.

Feel free to add to the list. Just have fun with it!

Entire buildings can be lifted with ease, and won't fall apart when you do it.

I've mentioned this in the other thread, but if Avengers Vs X-Men is headed in the way I think it is, its moral will be essentially "Think twice before you chase away Grant Morrison."

Hurricane force winds can force a straw into a tree. Flash fact!

Deadly radiation will give you powers.

Don't try to change your lifestyle. If you do some sort of extra-dimensional event will bitch-slap you right back to square one.

Radiation only very occasionally causes death.

It is perfectly acceptable and morally just to disguise oneself and anonymously pick fights with people you suspect are up to wrong-doing. Don't worry, that's all covered by due process.

A perp will go to jail if you leave them unconscious and restrained on a street somewhere. The cops will find all the evidence they need, and you'll never be called to testify in court.

Zeus is a dick. Granted, that was already a given but I feel it counts because it was by way of comics that I learned of his mythological counterpart's inclinations.

Oh, I forgot one: Fawcett City doesn't have child-labor laws.

Being a superhero will invariably cause a supervillain to make an attempt on your life, even if there were no supervillains before you got your powers.

The friends you have now and the subplots you share with them probably aren't going to matter a year down the road, but your wife will always be there for you.

The memorization trick Roy G. Biv.

Playing hero is for chumps, get the money first.

Corollary: Don't do that if a criminal just so happens to be escaping from the very place you're trying to get money from. That didn't end too well for Uncle Ben.

edited 26th Aug '12 7:02:52 PM by cfive

Anyone you care about is going to be threatened by your enemies to get to you. Therefore, don't care about anyone.

Be careful how you end your relationships, because past lovers will likely become obsessed with you, gain superpowers, and come after your butt.

People will assume you're a super hero if you've never been seen with said hero in the same place, at the same time, regardless of how many other people have never been seen with said hero in the same place at the same time. ("Hey, why IS it that John Cleese is never around when Superman shows up?")

Corollary: The majority of people will give up their suspicion that you are a superhero temporarily if you do appear in the same place at the same time, no matter how contrived the situation looks.

Don't trust your government. It's supporting shadowy organizations dedicated to make docile metahumans to do its bidding (which almost invariably fails, and you then have to clean the mess after them) and corrupt bureaucrats who'll try their best to stop you from battling that gigantic purple-helmetted guy who wants to eat the planet for no better reason than the fact you didn't fill the correct forms.

Also, if there's a Superman ripoff flying around, but you're not living in the DC universe, there are high chances that he's a douchebag.

edited 27th Aug '12 4:29:49 AM by purplefishman

If your team is up against a team of villains consisting of one villain from each heroes' Rogues Gallery, there's a simple solution to win: Trade opponents. It never fails.

If you're not a white american, your superhero name must be related to your race or nationality 85% of the time.

edited 30th Oct '12 7:07:45 PM by MousaThe14

If you're in the Marvel Universe, be a wealthy CEO who killed and injured many. The public will love you. Even if your crimes come out, just say you've changed and you're fine and dandy.

For a woman, a bikini and high heels are the ideal clothing when taking on groups of violent, dangerous, heavily armed, mentally unstable career criminals.

The first law of thermodynamics is a lie.

edited 31st Oct '12 7:26:17 AM by VampireBuddha

In the 1940s, Nazi Germany and (less often) Imperial Japan had the only governments which did bad things like failed supersoldier programs that turned people into monsters and stuff like that.

In the 50s and 60s, only the Soviet Union did bad things.

Since then, only the United States government does bad things.

And Canada, but only in the Marvel Universe.

Recent lesson: Fun is for babies. Everything should be GRIMDARK. All of the things.

• Regular citizens never remember or learn from past events. For instance, if a UFO appears, instead of "Well, the markings indicate that it's just a Gazorniplat freighter," we get "AAAHHH! We've never encountered aliens, except for the last 33 times!"

edited 27th Nov '12 6:43:33 PM by RedneckRocker