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Joke thread:

 176 Inverurie Jones, Tue, 4th Sep '12 2:37:59 AM from Station 78 Relationship Status: And they all lived happily ever after <3
'80s TV Action Hero
C.S. Lewis: Manchild apologist.
'Our hope's with you, rider in the blue.'

'...Day and night, they're always firemen.
Definitely not a weirdo
Anyways, I do believe this thread is supposed to be about jokes, not brony-bashing, so I'll get things back on topic.

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician all saw two men walk into an empty building. Several minutes later, they saw three men walk out.

The engineer said, "Our initial count must have been wrong."

The biologist said, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician said, "If one of us goes in, the building will be completely empty."
 178 Morwen Edhelwen, Thu, 6th Sep '12 4:35:15 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@CNG: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Definitely not a weirdo
I might as well post my favorite lawyer joke just because.

So there was this truck driver. For the most part he was a good guy. His one flaw (if you could call it that) was that he compulsively ran lawyers over with his truck. Every time he saw them walking by, he just couldn't stop himself, and ran them over. Anyway, one day he was driving along, when he saw the pope walking along the side of the road. This truck driver was Catholic, so of course he gave the pope a ride.

Anyway, he was driving along, with the pope in his truck, when he saw a lawyer. Naturally, he turned and headed towards him. Then he caught himself. He couldn't run over a lawyer with the pope in his truck. He tried to swerve out of the way, but it was too late, and he heard a loud thump. Panicking, he turned to the pope and said "Father, I'm sorry, it's this compulsion, I tried to stop, but there wasn't enough time!" The pope interrupted and said, "Don't worry. I got him with the door."
Princess Ymir's knightess
@Jones

[lol]waii

Substitutiary Locomotor
Why was the blonde woman's navel all bruised?

Because blonde men aren't that smart either

edited 6th Sep '12 6:48:37 PM by mageman84

Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee.
 182 Dr Furball, Thu, 6th Sep '12 9:06:05 PM from All Along the Watchtower Relationship Status: Dancing with myself
WHAM
(Haven't read through the whole thread, so forgive me if this is a repeat)

A woman named "Patricia Whack" is working as a bank teller one morning, when a frog hops in. He introduces himself as "Frank Jagger, son of Mick Jagger" and he wants a loan. The frog puts up a small plastic elephant as collateral. He explains that he knows the bank manager and that he'll understand.

Patricia excuses herself and goes to the manager, and explains the situation: "There's a frog out there saying he's Mick Jagger's son, and he wants a loan and he offered this as collateral. What the hell is it?"

The manager looks at the elephant and replies "It's a nicknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 183 Morwen Edhelwen, Thu, 6th Sep '12 9:25:40 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@Dr Furball: My dad told me that one.

edited 6th Sep '12 9:26:07 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Substitutiary Locomotor
3 men die and instead of arriving at the pearly gates of heaven, they arrive at the rusty gates of hell, whereupon Satan himself appears before them. "Welcome to hell gentlemen. From here you have 3 options to choose from and you will perform that task for all eternity" he said. He snapped his fingers and three doors appeared.

The three men gathered around the first door and opened it. Inside the door, as far as the eye could see was an endless ocean. On the surface, they could see many, many people treading water. The first of the three men turned to Satan and said, "I was a good swimmer in life, I'll take this option." The other two declined the choice. He stepped through and the door vanished

The two remaining men went to door number 2 and opened it and was confronted by a vista of huge mountains, dotted with a great many people. Huge boulders were falling randomly from the sky to roll down the mountains with the people running and leaping to get out of the way. The second man turned to Satan and said "I don't want to wait for the third option, I'll take this one." He stepped through the door and it vanished too.

The remaining man opened the last door. In front of him, as far as he could see were thousands upon thousands of people, sitting in comfy armchairs, sipping on steaming cups of tea, knee high in shit. The man turned to Satan and said "I guess I could get used to the smell" and stepped through the door. As the door vanished behind him a loud ringing sounded and a voice announced over a P.A. system, "Alright fellas, tea-break is over. Back on your heads!
Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee.
Definitely not a weirdo
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he's inside, a couple of pranksters decide to have some fun and steal his horse. He gets back out, looks around, and notices that his horse is missing. He then says loud enough for everyone to hear, "Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go back in that bar, order another beer, and if my horse isn't back by then, I'll have to do what I did in Texas." The pranksters are intimidated by this, and quickly return his horse while he's inside. When he gets out of the bar, he mounts his horse, and is about to leave, one of the pranksters musters up the courage to ask him, "What exactly did you have to do in Texas?"

He responds, "Walk home."
 186 Morwen Edhelwen, Fri, 7th Sep '12 1:50:23 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@mageman and CNG: Laughing.
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Definitely not a weirdo
These two jokes kind of have the same punchline, so I'll post them together. I'd recommend reading both jokes before reading the punchlines for that reason.

A group of enthusiasts entered a chess tournament. They did fairly well. Afterwards, they returned to their hotel, and were bragging about how well they did in the hotel lobby. The hotel manager asked them to return to their rooms. When they objected that they weren't bothering anyone, he simply replied I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A man walked into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had anything particularly interesting.
The owner replied, "Sure. I have this parrot. His name is Chet. Here, watch this."
The owner held a lighter under Chet's left leg.
Chet started singing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way."
The owner then held the lighter under Chet's right leg.
Chet started singing, "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year."
The man was impressed, but he was also curious. "What happens when you hold the lighter between his legs?"
The pet shop owner replied, "I don't know. I've never tried that before. Let's see."
Chet started singing "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."
 188 Morwen Edhelwen, Sat, 8th Sep '12 4:45:30 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
ha ha ha ha ha CNG
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Definitely not a weirdo
There is a difference between being experienced and being good, as is shown by the kamikaze pilot who flew 47 missions.
 190 Blue Ninja 0, Wed, 12th Sep '12 4:32:17 PM from The Middle of Nowhere Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Plotting my Escape
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

  • Knock knock.
  • Who's there?
  • To.
  • To who?
  • No, to whom.
The mark of a place joining the civilised section of the Internet is when it starts banning people being assholes in their space-Silas W
 191 Morwen Edhelwen, Wed, 12th Sep '12 9:17:33 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
ha ha ha ha. There's no punch line." CLASSIC!

edited 12th Sep '12 11:10:26 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 192 Best Of, Wed, 12th Sep '12 11:08:45 PM from Finland Relationship Status: Falling within your bell curve
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!
[up][up]Why don't people make jokes about Jonestown? A:It's hard to come up with a punchline.
Quod gratis asseritur, gratis negatur.
 193 Morwen Edhelwen, Wed, 12th Sep '12 11:11:15 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
Yeah, no punch. There's only Kool-Aid grin
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
A flat-chested lady goes to a doctor to get a recipe for bigger breasts.

He tells her "alright, I do have a recipe, but you have to do precicely what I say. You have to rub this cream on your breasts every day at 12:00, 16:00 and 21:00 while singing 'scoobie doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies'. "

The lady, who at this point is absolutely desperate, is quite willing to try this apparently ridiculous recipe. So every day, three times a day, she rubs the cream on her chest while singing "scoobie doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies". Several weeks later, her breasts are significantly larger.

One day, while she is on the bus, she realises with horror that the time is almost four, and the bus is caught in a traffic jam. She shallows hard with her eyes on the clock while thinking what she can possibly do. Ten minutes to four, five minutes to four... At precicely four o'clock, the lady strips from the waist up, applies cream on her chest, and starts singing "scoobie doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies".

Her audience is flabbergasted. "My dear madam! What are you doing? You're gonna be arrested for public indecency!"

The lady, undeterred, "Scoobie doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

"Ma'am! Stop at once, or else I will call the driver!"

"Scoobie doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

After realising that talk was futile, the passengers do call the driver. He comes at once.

"Ma'am, please put on your clothes."

"I can't put on my clothes. It's four o'clock."

"FOUR O'CLOCK?!"

He drops his pants immdiately and starts:

"Hickory dickory dock..."
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
 195 wuggles, Fri, 14th Sep '12 3:22:37 PM from Miami, FL Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
What's a band member's favorite month?

March.

 196 Morwen Edhelwen, Fri, 14th Sep '12 4:25:56 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 197 d Roy, Fri, 14th Sep '12 4:26:50 PM Relationship Status: Getting away with murder
@wuggles - Heh.

 198 majoraoftime, Fri, 14th Sep '12 4:29:54 PM from Northern Peninsula Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
I don't want to see them cry.
If a quiz is a quizicle what's a test?

A testicle!
 199 d Roy, Fri, 14th Sep '12 4:32:57 PM Relationship Status: Getting away with murder
-sighs-

 200 Morwen Edhelwen, Fri, 14th Sep '12 4:47:31 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
Why is everyone changing their avatar? And laughing.
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Total posts: 1,066
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