The Harry Potter Fanfiction Thread

Why did no one do this during DH. I mean you could even do a less fatal version with a tent, some lights, a couple of dummy's and a semi circle of wizards aiming to stun. It could have saved so many muggleborn lives.

That was the very first thing I thought of, when I read the book.

Or, say, a Howler (Timed or otherwise triggered, naturally) and a few explosives. Landmines, even.

• Even in the extremely unlikely event that Professor Snape is a vampire - which he isn't - putting glitter on him will result in three months of detention under his tender mercies.
• Can't try to set up Professors Snape and Lupin in a death battle.
• Attempting to summon Cthulhu will not automatically give you a passing grade in Care of Magical Creatures. Succeeding in summoning Cthulhu, however, will be met with expulsion and, assuming we retain our sanity long enough, recommending that the Ministry send you to Azkaban.
• Attempting to conjure a gigantic meteor and crash it into the planet is horrifying, and will not allow you to assume godlike power. Anyone who tries it will be expelled on the spot.
• Playing the proper melody on an ocarina or other musical instrument will not automatically turn day into night. Even it does, we will still hold classes and examinations as normal.
• Musn't set up a matchmaking service for Dementors to see what would happen if two of them kiss each other.

edited 1st Aug '14 2:03:19 PM by EvaUnit01

That's because I suspect JKR isn't versed in the really nasty tricks of insurgent warfare. Boobytrapped ambush points is only the start of it. For additional PSYOPS value, I'm pretty sure collaborators with the Voldemort regime—in Hogwarts and out—would be getting bombarded by Howlers denouncing them.

Also, amusingly enough, the newly US-allied Sunni tribes in Iraq did something very similar when they were thoroughly sick of al-Qaeda in 2007. There's a story about anti-AQ graffiti going up in an alleyway, and when AQ members went over there to erase it, an IED went off and killed them. (The local AQ branch tried again a day or two later, being nothing if not optimistic. This time, they were greeted by an ambush with automatic rifles and rockets.)

(Granted, I suspect it's also because she didn't write the books while reading up on insurgency warfare, which was kind of a thing by the time the last few books came out.)

Anyway...

• Not allowed to "borrow" dragon-dung fertilizer to see how well it explodes when mixed with fuel oil, no matter how scientifically you test the results.

edited 1st Aug '14 2:27:10 PM by sabresedge

• While Hogwarts frowns upon inappropriate displays of affection in any case, we would like to remind you that night-time is quite literally the only time the Astronomy Tower is used, and would recommend that, if you must meet up with your romantic partner (Note that this is not permission to do so), you choose a better time or place. FFS.

• While Hogwarts under no circumstances condones bullying of any sort, Professor Filius Flitwick has asked us to remind you that he is one quarter goblin, and, while slow to anger, not very subtle about it. If he catches you (Especially if, Death have mercy upon your soul, you are in his house), you will suffer the same fate Ms. Perks did in her third year. Remember her? No? Exactly.

• The first, last, and only response to any threat on Hogwarts or her students is not illegally giving your wands to the school House Elves and pointing them at the enemy.
  • On an unrelated note, Mr. Garrick Ollivander of Ollivanders Wand Shop has generously agreed to grant Hogwarts' students and Alumni a discount on replacement wands, no questions asked, assuming these new wands will be used in the defence of the school; furthermore, if you should happen to, "find," your old wands later, he assures us he will not ask for these replacement wands back.

edited 1st Aug '14 2:45:12 PM by Rem

• Gluing body glitter to Cedric Diggory's chest is forbidden. We don't want another river of nosebleed blood flooding the corridors.

• Stop asking Professor Lupin about Morrigan and Lord Raptor and Anakaris, it was never funny.

Is there some kind of story behind this one?

Earlier in this thread, a couple of us were tossing around the idea of Remus Lupin learning a way to control himself in werewolf form, and I brought up how that basically puts him one Jeet Kune Do lesson away from being John Talbain.

• The password for the Gryffindor common room is not Swordfish, has never been and will never be.

• Nor is it the password for any other House.

• In accordance with the previous rules, you cannot make someone in the common room come out and help you figure it out.

• The Room of Requirement is monitored for anyone attempting to use it to establish a harem area, bondage dungeon, or simple romantic tryst. Use the bushes, the broom closest, and the astronomy tower like everyone else.
• Moaning Myrtle is not watching you masturbate.
  • Unless you've told her you're okay with that. Having adolescent hormones forever isn't pleasant, you realize. Ghosts have needs too.
• Conversely, the Grey Lady is not interested. Neither are the male ghosts.
• Though the official school policy of Headmaster Dumbledore is "Don't make me come over there.", he is not a Wulfenbach. That's part of the problem.

• Seriously, though. Don't make him come over there. That's not a rule, that's a warning.

• "Prana transfer" is not a real thing. Attempting to convince others that it is may be legally actionable, and the court will not find you amusing.
• Different forms of Skiving Snacks should not be mixed, as simultaneous consumption can have dangerous and unanticipated side effects. Although one would expect that the primary effects would be sufficient deterrence.

• Anyone found attempting to "dial back" the Killing Curse in an attempt to see if someone can be rendered "Only Mostly Dead" will be expelled and carted off to the Ministry for criminal charges and a probable stay in Azkaban. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

• A succesful attempt to render someone Only Mostly Dead will net you a stay at the Department of Mysteries. As a test subject. Either way, you lose, so don't do it.

• Causing vampires to sparkle is both insensitive to sufferers of a serious medical condition and painfully trite. Vampires entered muggle culture a long time ago. You should be able to find another joke.

• Fairy Dust is not Cocaine. Attempting to sell it as such will net you detention. Conversely, selling Cocaine to students disguised as Fairy Dust will net you a stay in a lovely Azkaban cell.

Though it's not quite the same idea, the whole "humorous list of 'rules' for Hogwarts/the Wizarding World" bit does remind me of this fic.

I also thought of that.

I remember seeing stuff like this on another site too.

Fanfic idea: The year is 2010, and Ginny Weasley is a reporter for the Daily Prophet's Quidditch column, but is derided as a lightweight journalist because of her exclusive sports focus. Wanting to do something dramatically different, and prove herself as a first-rate journalist, she sets out to do a piece on the Wizarding Wars — not just the second one she fought in, but the first one that gets alluded to, but never described.

So, she interviews a lot of different people:

• The current Head of Magical Law Enforcement, a noted Auror, the son of the Minister of Magic during the First War and a rebel leader in Voldemort-controlled Northern England during the Second War. His POV would show 1970s Gryffindor and the actions of resistance fighters during the Second.
• A former Death Eater, who went legitimate after the Second War, and became a noted apothecary. During the Second War, he led the Death Eaters in Ireland. He gives a view into the Death Eater inner circle, and for Slytherin in the 70s.
• The Captain of the 1975 Oxford Stars, and the story of their championship-winning tour of the English Quidditch league. Clearly there based on Author Appeal, but gives a viewpoint on the out-of-Hogwarts world of 1970s wizarding England.
• Retired St. Mungo's nurses, giving a view of the War Is Hell aspects.
• A centaur chief, for an anti-Ministry perspective. The Minister mentioned above would be severely anti-centaur, and the centaurs remember.
• A Gringotts goblin, for a view into the Wizarding financial world. He too would be anti-Ministry, because of their attempts to control and freeze the assets of suspected Death Eaters.
• And others including a Ministry security wizard, not an Auror, but a mook.

It would be like an Elsewhere Fic with an interview framing narrative.

edited 20th Aug '14 8:05:22 AM by CrimsonZephyr

So World War Z (book version), but with the First Wizarding War? I like it.

Cool idea bro, but you should add a squib or someone who can provide some insight into the Muggle's side of the events.