The Constructive Criticism Thread

Looks good. Keep going.

Hey, everyone!

OK, here's the first draft of my prologue, as well as a bit of Chapter One. Whaddawe think?

Clutching her injured shoulder, she darted into an alleyway and ducked behind a large, odd-smelling metal container. Flattening herself against it, she strained her ears, listening for any sign of her pursuer. Hearing nothing but her own ragged breathing, she lowered her hand to inspect her wound, and saw that it had already begun to heal.

"How?" she asked herself. "How could I have failed to be vigilant?" The Council had forewarned her that this mission would be perilous, and that something akin to this was likely to occur if she did not exercise caution. And yet, she had allowed herself to err, and now she was paying the price for her moment of foolishness. “How will I explain my failure to Guardian Raphael? How can I –“

Her thoughts were interrupted by a familiar and unwelcome sound: the slow, steady clicking of claws on stone and the rasp of heavy breathing. “It is foolish to try and hide, angel,” her attacker purred in a silky voice. “We both know that you cannot possibly hope to evade me forever.”

She did not answer, merely pressing herself harder against the wall of the container.

A nauseating laugh, like a canine trying to regurgitate, reverberated around the alley. “Kyah-hah-hah-hah! Nothing to say? Or are you simply too afraid to speak?”

Afraid? Afraid?! Her, a daughter of Heaven, afraid of a low-level beast such as this? The idea would have been laughable –if not for the fact that there was an ounce of truth to the accusation.

She became aware that her foe had paused mid-step, and was now sniffing the air in an attempt to locate her scent, making her grateful that she had chosen such a foul-smelling hiding place. Nevertheless, she knew that she could not remain there indefinitely – even if her foe simply gave up and moved on (which was not likely to happen), sooner or later she would be forced to move, either to help someone in distress or by being summoned by Guardian Raphael.

Gritting her teeth, she tightened her grip on her rapier, wishing that the creature had not chosen her sword arm when it had lashed out at her. Still, there was no point worrying now – she would just have to hope that her shoulder had healed sufficiently enough to allow her to defend herself once more. She was aware that there was no possibility that she would win this fight, but that did not mean that she would not try.

The renewed sound of clicking told her that her attacker had managed to locate her, and judging by the ever-increasing volume, it was now approaching her hiding place. “So it has come down to this,” she told herself. “I must strike first and escape fast. No hesitating.”

Mustering her courage, she seized the hilt of her blade in both hands and leapt from her hiding place, charging at her foe and screaming a warcry.

Her opponent looked surprised for a second, and then smiled nastily. “Very well – Round Two.”

CHAPTER ONE

“OK, hold that pose. And...”

CLICK.

JD Shepherd set his camera down on a shelf and nodded at the bikini-clad models he had been shooting. "Ok, girls, that's enough for today,

Personally, I think it's a bit too beige. But hey, at least I figured out how to make the odd-smelling part work!

edited 16th Jun '15 2:39:42 PM by fruitstripegum

Yes, yes you did. Kudos. You dont mind some more critical feedback?

"if not for the fact that there was an ounce of truth to the accusation" is a bit clumsy. Usually people say "there isnt an ounce of truth" not that there is. "If not for the fact that- " I dont know, she's currently injured and hiding from her opponent, or something like that?

"She was aware that there was no possibility that she would win this fight, but that did not mean that she would not try" "No possibility" eliminates tension in the scene. If she really has no chance, then the battle to come is going to be boring- we already know the outcome. And if it isnt, then she is apparently suffering from poor self-esteem, which is disconcerting in a protagonist. Make it look bad for her by all means- but leave the ultimate outcome somewhat in doubt. "The odds were heavily against her" or somesuch.

A nitpick- you dont grasp rapiers with two hands- ever. Otherwise this all looks pretty good. I think you're off to an excellent start. So keep going.

Well, I took your advice, and I came up with two alternatives (I know we're not supposed to edit until we've finished the first draft, but inspiration bit me and wouldn't let go until I'd written it). Which is better?

A nauseating laugh, like a canine trying to regurgitate, reverberated around the alley. “Kyah-hah-hah-hah! Nothing to say? Or are you simply too afraid to speak?”

Afraid? Afraid?! Her, a daughter of Heaven, afraid of a low-level beast such as this? The idea was laughable – at least, it would have been if she had not been badly injured and in hiding.

She became aware that her foe had paused mid-step, and was now sniffing the air in an attempt to locate her scent, making her grateful that she had chosen such a foul-smelling hiding place. Nevertheless, she knew that she could not remain there indefinitely – even if her foe simply gave up and moved on (which was not likely to happen), sooner or later she would be forced to move, either to help someone in distress or by being summoned by Guardian Raphael.

Gritting her teeth, she tightened her grip on her rapier, wishing that the creature had not chosen her sword arm when it had lashed out at her. Still, there was no point worrying now – she would just have to hope that her shoulder had healed sufficiently enough to allow her to defend herself once more. She was aware that the odds were against her, but that did not mean that she would not try. Perhaps she would fail, but if she did she would not do so because she had made the decision to submit.

The renewed sound of clicking told her that her attacker had managed to locate her, and judging by the ever-increasing volume, it was now approaching her hiding place. “So it has come down to this,” she told herself. “I must strike first and escape fast. No hesitating.”

Mustering her courage, she leapt from her hiding place and charged at her foe, screaming a warcry.

Her opponent looked surprised for a second, and then smiled nastily. “Very well – Round Two."

Or:

A nauseating laugh, like a canine trying to regurgitate, reverberated around the alley. “Kyah-hah-hah-hah! Nothing to say? Or are you simply too afraid to speak?”

Afraid? Afraid?! Her, a daughter of Heaven, afraid of a low-level beast such as this? The idea was laughable – at least, it would have been if she had not been badly injured, in hiding and wondering if it would simply be easier to surrender.

The moment the thought entered her head, she dismissed it in disgust. How could she think such a thing, when the Council had chosen her, over countless others, to carry out this mission? Perhaps she would fail, but if she did she would not do so because she had made the decision to submit.

She became aware that her foe had paused mid-step, and was now sniffing the air in an attempt to locate her scent, making her grateful that she had chosen such a foul-smelling hiding place. Nevertheless, she knew that she could not remain there indefinitely – even if her foe simply gave up and moved on (which was not likely to happen), sooner or later she would be forced to move, either to help someone in distress or by being summoned by Guardian Raphael.

Gritting her teeth, she tightened her grip on her rapier, wishing that the creature had not chosen her sword arm when it had lashed out at her. Still, there was no point worrying now – she would just have to hope that her shoulder had healed sufficiently enough to allow her to defend herself once more. She was aware that the odds were against her, but that did not mean that she would not try.

The renewed sound of clicking told her that her attacker had managed to locate her, and judging by the ever-increasing volume, it was now approaching her hiding place. “So it has come down to this,” she told herself. “I must strike first and escape fast. No hesitating.”

Mustering her courage, she leapt from her hiding place and charged at her foe, screaming a warcry.

Her opponent looked surprised for a second, and then smiled nastily. “Very well – Round Two.”

edited 17th Jun '15 3:24:25 PM by fruitstripegum

Sorry for the delay, but life intervenes. Either is good, although I lean toward the second one. Not sure why.

Okay, I don't know if this is the best place to post this, but, here's the deal; in my fantasy story, i came up with these two ideas:

1. A race of small spider-like creatures that eat rocks and spin gold in place of webbing. If handled properly, this golden substance could be used to make gold coins and since the spider-like creatures basically do nothing with it (they don't need it to catch food since they eat rocks and they basically live anywhere, so they don't really need to spin a web. In fact, they only spin webs out of instinct), leprechauns take it all, particularly when they can't mine for gold like humans. Leprechauns also cultivate the spider-like creatures to keep their gold supply strong, which is easy to do since these creatures only really need rocks to eat.

2. A massive race of monolithic monsters whose tusks have a number of uses, even food

Tell me the truth; are these ideas creative and clever or silly and stupid?

I can tell you this much for sure: They're not stupid. I think they could use a little tweaking to make them more believable, but they're not stupid.

One question I have: What biological function would the gold webbing have, out in the wild? There needs to be one (whether trapping prey or something else), or else why would the spiders evolve that ability? What nutrients do they get from eating rocks? I can see this opening a door to a whole branch of rock-based creatures like Golems, Rock Monsters, and other Elemental Embodiments of varying sizes. So play this out. Think about all the implications. That's the essence of worldbuilding.

Second idea: It's interesting. Many ancient cultures found clever uses for all of the animal parts. But why just the tusks? Real-world animal tusks are made of bone, which means that this animal's entire skeleton would have similarly varied uses. Get creative with this. What tools can they carve out of the monster's leg bone, for example? How would they use its ribcage? How many people would a tusk feed? And for how long?

PS: I don't think you're using "monolithic" right.^note (From the Google search page for "define monolithic")

edited 11th Jul '15 5:57:22 AM by AwSamWeston

I don't know if i'm allowed to do this but...

How about this—

Idea 1. - These spider-like creatures do use their webbings to attract insect prey because of the gold aspect; it attracts insects in a strange magpie-esque way. They eat stones to fuel their gold spinning ability. However, while the webbing itself is not technically gold in the traditional sense, if it is wrapped around regular rocks and dipped into water, the rocks become gold nuggets. Only the Leprechauns knew of this secret though.

Idea 2. - I guess i just wanted to give a reason to let these beasts live and still give them a purpose. Back then, it seemed like a good idea to rely on them without having to kill them (they shed their tusks).

Well, you need an insect that eats only gold...
.
.
.
.
.
.
...a gold-bug!

edited 11th Jul '15 11:43:20 AM by DeMarquis

Why are you spending so much time worrying about the specifics of a single species of fantasy-spider? Are they a Macguffin that a character wants to obtain? Is the protagonist, antagonist, or an important supporting character a member of the species?

How do said spiders fit into a story? Do you even have a story in mind? Or are you just dumping whatever random concept comes to mind?

edited 13th Jul '15 1:58:46 PM by Tungsten74

1. Because i wanted to know if that idea would valid enough to make the world i'm creating look interesting. Rowling and Riordan did things similar to this and i want to do something like that for own story, give it its own unique flare

2. They are a way of explaining why the leprechauns of an uncharted island have gold. And, now that you mention it, i just might work in a reason for the villains of this particular part of the story to want them.

3. No

4. The island on which they live is visited by the main character.

5. Yes and no

So is this thread still active? I need some help as my writing in the last week has been kind of bugging me a lot, but I don't know how long I'd have to wait or whether I'd even be able to get someone to look at my writing.

Shoot. I'm always lurking here.

So should I post it here, or is there a way I can get it to you privately?

Because I had been writing passable stuff until recently, where suddenly my quality dropped sharply, and I'm not sure I want everyone to see how terrible I've become.

Depends on how big it is. You can post a few paragraphs right here.

It's sort of about 15 pages, so...

If you just want some of us to check your overall writing style, a page or so should be enough, and you could post that here. If you feel you need more detailed advice, then you need to email the entire work to a beta reader. I'm a little busy right now, but I expect to have some time freed up after Labor Day.

edited 14th Aug '15 7:28:29 AM by DeMarquis

Sorry if it's advertising but I wrote the first episode of a Crossover series called "Power Rangers: Network Warriors." The in-universe behind the scenes reasoning is that Capcom and Namco Bandai wanted to do a collaboration of the Mega Man series. They talked to Haim Saban and since Namco owns the rights to make Power Ranger, Super Sentai, Kamen Rider, and Metal Heroes games, they should use those franchises and mix that with the stories and various mechanics of the Mega Man Battle Network series (Mostly the Anime) and make something like an Live Action Tokusatsu Dolled-Up Installment that is very much like Super Mario Bros 2 USA. As in this feels radically different than your typical Power Rangers series but it will air alongside the main series.

Also, some of the writing style is taken from the Team EXE Abridged series but it is made to be Less Mean. Also, radically different characters for the sake of being different than the base show being adapted but they still fill in the characters roles.

Read it and see what you think.

Hey guys. Long time, no see.

Listen, I was thinking about giving my opening a bit of a rewrite, but this is all I came up with so far:

Clutching her injured shoulder, she pushed herself away from the wall in an attempt to avoid the metallic claws of her foe. One talon clipped the edge of her wing, sending a few feathers fluttering to the ground, but she had no time to mourn their loss. The creature drew back slightly, then lunged forward, snapping its pointed teeth.

So, what do we think?

edited 25th Oct '15 3:46:58 PM by fruitstripegum

Okay, so I plan on majoring in animation and/or video game development when I'm in college and I'm afraid that the 2nd story I've come up with might wind up becoming a Cliché Storm and/or Naruto ripoff should it ever become a reality. And the last thing I want is to bore people.

It's supposed to be a shonen anime that takes inspiration from Naruto, but I'm afraid that my Naruto and Sasuke Expies, Tedrick and Dallas, may be too similar to the former. Another concern I have is Eve. She may or may not be a Mary Sue and I'm not good at identifiying one. (They ALL might be Mary Sues!)

It's currently 4 1/2 chapters long (I hit my writer's block in the middle of the 5th chapter), and the writing may or may not be cheesy. But please bear with me on this.

Also, if possible, I want separate analyses/critiques for each chapter until the whole thing has been read, in which case I want a review on the work as a whole.

Here it is. Have fun! (If you can...) https://www.dropbox.com/s/d3qt5adp16xhp7i/24%20ds.docx?dl=0

Action scenes tend to impact better when clipped a bit. Short sentences long enough to get the job done. It conveys frantic thought and split second decisions.

Her shoulder hurt. Metal claws struck for her, she pushed off the wall, pain shot through her wing a few feathers fluttered to the ground. The beast drew back and lunged, pointed teeth snapped.

It may not convey as much bulk information but for a written story as opposed to a movie or a show you generally don't have to, and it feels much more urgent. Longer passages in fights usually show resignation or shock.

Merely my own view of course, maybe longer works better for you.

edited 24th Nov '15 1:04:59 AM by Slysheen

Brutal Honesty time, fruitstripegum: Stop worrying about the opening and keep going forward.

Looking back on the thread, I notice you haven't asked about "chapter 2" at all, which tells me you're still stuck on nit-picks for the opening and chapter 1. There's only so much we can do to help, and at this point we're treating the symptoms of your book's problems, but not the actual problem itself: Timidness. A need for assurance.

I think it's time you start writing an entire draft. It won't be perfect by any means — that's why it's called a "rough draft" — but you'll at least lay the groundwork needed for us to help you more, and to help you better.

So go out there, go into whatever "zone" makes you feel comfortable, and just write. Write like the wind. It's going to be crap, but at least it'll be crap we can work with. That's what matters.

And if you find you've written yourself into a corner, just remember Chandler's Law: "When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand."

You're wasting your time. I've talked to Fruitstripe a lot in P Ms, and they don't have the slightest clue what they want their story to actually be about, beyond a creepy fixation on their story's Magical Girlfriend Margarite being forced to kiss the dullard everyman protagonist JD all the time, and this somehow leading to Margarite falling in love with JD, instead of resenting his existence entirely like any sane woman would.

I've tried to coax Fruitstripe into moving beyond that skeevy basis. I've suggested ways to make JD less of a boring cipher, or suggested making Margarite the protagonist since she's the only one of the two main characters with a clear goal to pursue. Hell, I even jotted out an entire plot complete with character arcs for them to build off. Yet they keep going back to the same perverted well of ideas.

Call me presumptuous, but it feels like Magical Girlfriend anime/manga is the main (if not the only) genre of fiction Fruitstripe consumes. And since all art is just a culmination of all previous art that the artist has been exposed to, when they decided to write a story of their own, they naturally decided to write a Magical Girlfriend story.

But I think Fruitstripe recognises, on some level, how culturally impoverished they are, and how gross their fantasies would seem to most audiences. So they've decided to try and write a Magical Girlfriend story that's more than its genre implies - a story that isn't *just* prurient wish-fulfillment.

That's why, whenever you ask Fruitstripe what their story's about, they'll tell you all about Margarite and how she has to kiss JD to cure his demon-headaches or whatever the fuck. But when you actually look at what they've written, they're stuck writing an action scene for the opening paragraph. They don't know how to write a decent action scene because it's not what they usually watch/read, and they don't feel motivated to just power through it because it's not really the story they want to write. They're only opening with an action scene because they feel obligated to do so - because it makes their kinky fantasies seem more "legitimate".

I would honestly respect Fruitstripe more if they just owned their kinks, and decided "I'm going to write a story about an angel who has to kiss my author self-insert all the time, and later falls in love with him, because I really like that fantasy and want to write about it. Fuck the haters." I might not admire the end product, but I could admire the author's honesty and integrity. They knew exactly what they wanted, and so they went and got it. Good for them.

Instead, we have this muddled, incoherent mess, that can't decide what it wants to be. Is it romance? Is it action-adventure? Is it softcore erotica? Who knows! Not Fruitstripe, that's for damned sure.

I'm going to level with you for a second, Fruitstripe: if I sat down to do a blind read of your story, and you opened with a thrilling fight scene between an angel and a demon, I would naturally assume that your story was all about thrilling fights and action. But if then, a third of the way through the story, it suddenly veered into sex-fantasy, I would- well, I was about to say I'd feel betrayed, but I rarely get that emotionally invested in fiction. Most likely I'd just feel slightly disappointed, and even if the story went back to action afterwards, I'd feel dirty knowing the sex fantasy was in there. I'd certainly think twice before recommending your story to anyone else.

On the other hand, if your story wore its kinks on its sleeve - if it made its raison d'être plain from the outset – it would be far less likely to disappoint. Yes, you'd probably receive some mockery from people for putting so much effort into a sex fantasy. But on the other hand, you could trust that any audience you attracted would be 100% onboard with your deviancy, and totally willing to follow you down whatever dark hole you plunged into. (fnarr fnarr)

Is the one turn at a time, one person per turn, one turn per week thing still a thing?

Or could we just post whatever we'd like critiqued whenever?

This thread gets so little action, I'd say just go for it.