We Are All Pokemon Trainers Discussion

Bitters made an important edit to her D!Post.

This post was thumped by the Stick of Post Thumping

Umbra, you're not a horrible person.. Please don't...

Umbra.

If you can see this... don't. Just don't. Suicide is never worth it. Never. All you're doing is removing the opportunity for things to get better.

Horrible person? Fuck no. I'm a bigger useless arsehole than you'll ever be.

Just stop.

Just confirming here as well as in the chats and elsewhere I'm fine and safe; I'll go into more detail onto what the hell was going on there tomorrow but just wanted everyone to know I'm alive and well.

-hugs tightly- Thank God. Glad to hear you're safe, Umbra.

Thank the Gods. Good to hear you're fine, Umbra, but also keen to hear an explanation.

Alright, so here's that explanation of what the hell was actually going on last night, because... You all deserve to know.

Trigger warning: I talk at length about a suicide attempt and the mental processes of trying to go through with it. Plus related homophobic language.

Bigger trigger warning and even bigger hugeass disclaimer: I mention a few people by name in the explanation of what led up to all this, but I'm putting my foot down right here and now and saying I CONSIDER LITERALLY NONE OF YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.. No matter how the explanation may inadvertently read in that regard, all of what happened - all of it - was not the direct result of the actions of anyone else, but of extreme, over-the-top self-loathing directed at myself over what I perceived to be doing to all of you, and I'll be getting to that in this post.

But anyway, what happened and what lead up to it...

Ever since I got severely ill back in late May, I've been feeling like my life has been absolutely godawful, in terms of both RL issues, RP issues, and especially general psychological issues of depression and anxiety overall that have been outright hellish - I've had anxiety attacks that have lasted for days before - over the past six months.

RL-wise it's mainly been due to the illness, conflict with my family over various issues, plus general lashing out at them due to said issues plus lingering psychological stuff from the illness. RP-wise it's due to me lashing out at people in general over various things, and in particular the conflict over planning and running the Delta Episode has been a major factor in that. (In particular, Sky and Zeal ranting about being unable to play as big a role as they like in it really stung since it read like they were indirectly attacking me for trying to finish Robin's character arc properly; however, I NOW KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT EITHER OF YOU MEANT AND NEITHER OF YOU WERE A REAL FACTOR IN LAST NIGHT'S INCIDENT.) It eventually got to the point where I was getting outright alienated with the RP's player base, even with people I normally really trust.

(On that note, since it was very admittedly a small factor in the alienation with people I normally trust... Moon? I've been worried about the fact you suddenly ceased talking to and socializing with me for the most part about a year ago and I'm really confused as to why since what few interactions we've had have been generally still friendly, and... I've been really scared to ask you because I've fearing the worst and you secretly have grown to despise me or something. Obviously I don't think you'd be comfortable talking/explaining to me about it right after all this and I'm frankly not comfortable doing it immediately either, but once things settle down a bit I still very much wanna talk and work things out, and again ALL THAT HAD ZILCH DIRECT INFLUENCE ON MY ACTIONS LAST NIGHT.)

As for general anxiety/depression issues... Take all of the above issues and put them a blender, throw in extreme jadedness with larger-scale fandom communities, worries about the future of many, many, things I care about, and worst of all horrible fears of being outright flamed and cyberbullied over both certain aspects of my writing here in WAAPT and certain post-WAAPT projects for good measure, and you've got enough psychological hell to make me already contemplate suicide more times than I can count; and I realize now it inadvertently made many of the above issues and by extension itself worse by increasing my likelihood of lashing out at people due to the aforementioned horrible anxiety attacks over all those issues being triggered incredibly easily and by extension making me even more prone to to my trademark overreacting.

...Which leads rather conveniently into the nitty-gritty of what happened last night.

I'd actually lashed out at Tracer earlier that day with an angry rant over something full of bullshit I didn't actually mean, and later I felt pretty bad about it, but since I'd unfriended Tracer on Pidgin a bit back because I was feeling like he was being unintentionally pestery and I needed space, I asked Tangent about it and he told me, yeah, he got pretty angry over it. But when I asked him for details, he wanted to get to the point of fixing things but mentioned so far Tracer didn't even try to amend things between me and him then because he knew I'd just blow up at him again in a few months.

...And that led to a supposed realization about myself that started it all.

(Tracer, if you happen to read this before you read any further, I DO NOT CONSIDER YOU TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT; IT WAS ALL MY OWN ACTIONS AIMED ENTIRELY AT MYSELF.)

When Tangent told me Tracer felt that way my initial thought was that he was absolutely right because that's a tendency of mine I've had historically zilch luck fixing. And from there I suddenly started believing that all the horrible shit I've been through outwardly and mentally for the past six months - nay, the past 5-8 years - was something I deserved because I'm a petty, spiteful, selfish, toxic, horrible person who's been parading around thinking he was the hero fighting against impossible odds and vicious enemies when it turns out he was the villain all along. Sure, I use my writing and stuff to try and make others happy, but it's all for selfish affirmation reasons, and similar selfish reasons also lead to me being extremely nasty to anyone that doesn't agree with me or otherwise makes me upset, and all I ever do in my life is hurt people.

I mentioned all that to Tangent and he dismissed it as bullshit, and for a moment I was sane and believed him.

...But then as I was writing my apology to Tracer I became more and more re-convinced of it all to the point that when I ended it it was with a heartfelt goodbye because I thought I'd never be able speak to him again.

From there I gave Tangent a much more blunt goodbye, immediately closed out of Pidgin, left that now-thumped D!Post above I was committing suicide by overdose, and immediately logged off TV Tropes and shut off both my computer and phone because I wanted no one stopping me.

I genuinely wanted myself dead, because I still believed all I ever did was hurt people, and thought the only way to fix that was to end it with a bang that also made sure I never did it again.

Lord knows I had everything ready. I had a coffee cup full of spare meds, and after an impromptu "Iast meal" of leftover chicken wings (odd choice of "last meal", I know, but it was all I had in the fridge and they happen to be one of my favorite foods anyway) I stared at it for who knows how long contemplating chugging them down. I still very much felt like I should go through with it, but at the same time I was still so scared, and in reasons related to both I worried the OD I had prepared wouldn't be enough to actually kill me and just cause a slew of other problems, or that if I didn't actually "DO IT, FAGGOT'' I'd never be able to face up to you guys again after that.

In the midst of all that I eventually decided to post an announcement on Facebook too even though I'd previously felt it redundant given my roommate or one of my caretakers would just find my body stinking up the place in the morning, and booted up my phone for that purpouse...

...And promptly saw and heard you all immediately went above and beyond trying to help.

Not only did multiple people reach out on TV Tropes - including EchoingSilence, a newbie who hadn't signed up yet and only just met me - but people in the chats were scrambling to find a way to help through RL and other means - Every made sure to get in personal contact with me by phone, Tangent contacted me through Facebook I Ms and talked me down, PLUS using my address on file to contact the local police department, Tracer responded to my apology with really uplifting words of encouragement once he heard the news, and Keys went out of his way to warn every member of my immediate family (plus my grandpa because my dad doesn't do Facebook) through my Facebook wall. You guys went all out trying to save me when the whole reason I wanted to off myself was I thought you all -and the world- would be better off without me.

So... Yeah, after talking it all out with you guys, a couple local police officers, and eventually my mom, sister, and one of my caretakers... I'm OK. I have the will to live again. I want to keep on fighting.

...That said, due to all that I'm gonna be taking things easy for the next day or two, and to a different extent for Thanksgiving shenanigans (I'll be distracted by family a lot then, but when I'm not I'll be harder at work with stuff here); I'll be socializing in the chat and via IM, pecking away casually at a few things I was working on over the weekend, and maybe R Ping intermittently (I know I wanna try and advance the DE at least), but I'll be taking a more lax approach to everything for a bit to blow off steam.

On a related note, I may as well tell you all now: My initial plan for the deadline for wrapping up my loose ends and having the Retirement Post up was December 31st, 2015 - AKA my fourth anniversary, because, really, that would have been really awsomely bookend-y if I pulled that off. However, given the delays in the Delta Episode plus all the other stuff I want to do before the end I'm having difficulty juggling, it's looking less and less feasible, and with all the stress I've been through and what happened last night, I've more fully realized stressing myself out further over desperately making absolutely sure I pull off the bookend of the century is not worth my sanity - or my life. Therefore, I no longer have a hard deadline for my retirement - just a vague and more importantly tentative general goal of getting everything wrapped up by early next year.

...That said, while I'll be more lax and not worry too much about the exact "when" of it happening, I'll still be hard at work getting my loose ends wrapped up and the Retirement Post up ASAP and more importantly properly; not just for myself but in a much more renewed way for you guys as well...

...Because you guys are some of the best friends I've ever had and I'm super-grateful to you all for saving my life.

(On a further lighter note I've got at least a couple fun things planned for here in the Discussion thread in the near future - including the one I've been mentioning a lot that's been in the works a long while.)

edited 23rd Nov '15 2:49:44 PM by Umbramatic

Hey man, it was nothing. I was happy to read that you were doing better. Definitely take it easy and I hope things get better still. And I am definitely glad you are feeling better and made it through this.

And if you ever need someone to vent to. My inbox is always open if you need someone to listen.

edited 23rd Nov '15 3:05:45 PM by EchoingSilence

Umbra, for the record, let it be known that despite ANY creative differences and minor spats we've had (and might have), I care (and will care) for you enough to want your continued health and safety.

That said, PLEASE DON'T SCARE US LIKE THAT AGAIN! We were very worried about you!

I am thrilled that you're safe and sane for the time being. I've acted like a whiny bitch a lot in my time here, but I want you to know that I appreciate and respect you.

I know you said about doing this later but...

I'm not really having any big problems with you, but it's just that I'm not really a person who typically starts conversations unless I have something to show someone that I think they'll like or anything like that (in fact I think the last time I talked to you in P Ms was when I linked you to Touhou Puppet Dance Performance), otherwise I just join in if there's a topic that I'm interested on or if I have something to ask about. So for the most part if you want to chat with me you kinda have to start it yourself.

I also often see you being Away in Pidgin and with you often talking about stuff you have to get done, I just refrain from talking to you much because I don't want to interrupt what you're doing by pestering you. Especially when I know I can be a little annoying when it comes to talking about the things I'm into like Smash and Touhou and I have a tendency to derail things when I begin talking about this stuff. Plus... I don't think there's really all that much stuff

That's pretty much it. I just figured you'd be busy with your stuff and I wanted to give you space to get it done. I'm glad you're doing well now, Umbra, if you feel like talking to me, just send me a PM or something.

Alright, Moon, I understand now, and thank you. On actually having conversations, will do.

-many hugs to everyone, especially Umbra-

I know you said it didn't really have anything to do with me, but I really should apologize for the stuff I was saying about the Delta Episode.

It wasn't even out of me wanting to be more of a part of it. None of my characters are involved and I'm still not really in the right mental state to be writing anything anyway. I just felt like the planning finished too abruptly and was expressing that more for other people's sake than for mine. I definitely should have paid more attention to your reactions to the conflict and dropped the subject or something. I'm really sorry about that.

Also, -more hugs-

-Hugs Psyche and especially Zeal back-

-hugs Umbra tight-

-hugs as well-

OK, so I'm going to post an idea I've had for a long time, because it's been bugging me for a long time:

Joseph's associated with flowers, has something of a thing for nature, has white hair, a flamboyant attitude, a coat modeled after Roserade, and one of his (slightly more) prominent mons is a Roserade. So, his Pokeform is...a Lucario?

Well, at the time I had his Pokeform decided, I was a big fan of the Riolu line, and I wasn't happy with the way Roserade's sprite looked (at the time). So I figured that it would look cuter on the Pokeform page for him to be a Riolu!

Of course, that was before I started to write him more, and associating him more with things like how he is now. I also am not as big of a fan of the Riolu line that I would model a character's Pokeform after them (this is also why Phoenix dropped Out of Focus). And as nice as the juxtaposition between Joseph's normal self and the sort of punchy fighty bruiser a Lucario is is, I don't feel like it's so much his thing.

So, the long and short of it is, is there anyone with a Mew/Coyote/Noir/etc. that Joe can see about his Pokeform? It'd be nice to have it changed to a Roserade, like how it was on the first AFD I was here.

(this is also totally not because i have no ideas to make a lucario persona for the arc what do you mean :P)

-Also hugs Umbra tightly-

(Sorry I haven't been on chat recently, been pretty busy and lazy. I'm still following the RP/chat log loosely though)

First off, thank goodness you're okay Umbra.

Second, Dogs, I can do a thing for ya with a certain dapper little guy.

Beri: Oh?

I am now a part of the game kinda. Hooray!

Yayzorz

Anyway, anything you need to know before you make your first post in the main thread? (Besides that most people are in Ever Grande in Hoenn at the moment?)

Quick recap of current events please.

Oh and if anyone wonders what talking to Silas would be like, when I say unemotive, I mean it. I basically designed him with Monotone in mind.