Dealing with grief

I've got a decent idea of what the actual process of grieving would be like, but I have no idea what to do for the recovery process. Well, a healthy recovery process anyway, one that doesn't result in very unheroic apathy or anything else unpleasant.

So, any advice? Experiences you want to share?

Well, you could always go the Five Stages of Grief direction. But do take care that you include variation and don't make it textbook.

Of course! But what I mean is, how does one proceed from depression/anger/whatever to acceptance without it being hokey?

To do anything involving emotions convincingly, show it happening gradually. Think about how emotions work in Real Life. How many people without Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder have you seen cycle through emotions in the span of hours, or days with little outer stimuli? Don't do what some amateur authors and put timeskips between every "stage", which is a lazy way of getting out of writing anything gradual. Show it happening through stuff like dialogue. Practice.

Also, know that the Five Stages of Grief are expressed differently in everyone. Before you even take the route, think about how your individual characters, and your individual characters alone would express grief. Some may try to suppress the outward signs so they can appear strong to other people. Some may totally break down at first, then gradually heal. Some may never really get over it, especially if it's a parent grieving for their child.

I know people feel grief in their own different ways, and following that they try to handle it whichever way they can. Some ways help, like distracting yourself with other thoughts, immersing yourself in the More Real than Real graphics of Crysis, binge drinking on alcohol.. sex. Or dishing the pain out on others, if your character feels especially oppressed. But these are just temporary, short-term measures in the hole of utter shit you've fallen into. I think people subconsciously hope for some kind of redemption, or ultimate catharsis from their pain. The horrid thoughts will constantly barge in— after initial attempts to not think about it.

And here is where the delicate balance can tip. You can try enduring out the pain, and let it diminish (though it is especially difficult to foresee yourself getting better, what with the intense pain — like an arm cut off or a wisdom tooth having removed). Or you can just embrace the pain, picking the wound, and fall deeper into that pit. You can say these people become super jerks or catatonic as a result, but that is the initial ego rationalizing away that you can't become the same also.

If you really want to dig yourself out.. it is like escaping that thick fog constantly numbing your heart. Much of your feelings have become negative, and it is more difficult than not to vividly remember being happier, without all that pain. (They say that time heals a broken heart / but time has stood still since we've been apart) You're all isolated, withdrawn and alone. Straightforwardly "Sucking Up" as the proud, strong dudes say it, mm, might work, and the result long-term is you become jaded, bitter, worn-out, distant, perhaps pissed-off-most-the-time afterwards. Perhaps like Naomi Watts's character in 21 grams, or more extreme cases like Travis Bickle or Butcher.

But if you want a better future afterwards, I suppose other people who do have a heart will help. ( Like me!) Those people who, instead of saying it's not their problem, will really listen and try to understand the grief the person's going through, and let him know he's not alone.

I hardly feel going to a conventional therapist can help (speaking from experience) — it seems many therapists are too pre-occupied with following the theories and values of their own training to be truly responsive to their clients, and the self-defeating pay systems: therapists are paid the more time they waste clowning about.

edited 6th Mar '11 6:33:05 PM by QQQQQ

Hmm. I've got a better grasp on what direction I should be looking at... how would interactions with other characters affect the process? I'll elaborate a bit: it's an AU fanfic where in canon, the character deals with a gruesome murder by becoming a rather mentally unbalanced isolated jerkass. In this AU another character intervenes, and hopefully things turn out for the better.

I guess my question is, what should the intervention look like?

For such, I think Mr Depresso will not likely tell it to others straightforwardly. (Assuming he is an introvert.) I imagine in this scenario, he will act somewhat like a kid with ADHD, all wound-up, tense, anxious like it's the end of the world. Meanwhile his thoughts will trail blankly on like a fever dream. Perhaps he will lash out, hurling poor beanie babies plushies against the dartboard (), or speak sarcastic always. He might rebel. He might jerk off. Others will think he is a jerk.

But then comes a time when Mr Depresso stumbles across a scene on late-night television, or a novel, where some guy finds Dream Woman and she makes all the boo-boos go away. Inspired, Depresso tries finding the same Dream Woman figure in real life. I suppose it is up to the other character, whoever she may be, to figure out that Depresso just needs a hug. (I am assuming it is a girl and guy hurt-comforting, but I might be mistaken)

Talk. Talk talk talk. Other character tries to prod further into Depresso, usually with emotional pause from him. Maybe some good crying ensues from Mr Depresso, once he finally lets it all out.

That is the first half. The next half is rebuilding.

I suppose Mr Depresso will like to talk some more with the other character, while he tries out new things after being so distraught. Sex. Drugs. Meeting new people, reading books. Crysis. The pain might relapse on the occasion (Think of it like a hilly sine wave function that gradually goes down) and this might lead for some extra heartwrenching drama.

Then at the end he finds a peaceful acceptance, like all the troubles in the world have gone beneath him and all that is left is the clear sky with the sun shining his cheeks.

Try watching 21 Grams.

edited 6th Mar '11 7:03:01 PM by QQQQQ

From personal experience I find that some people have difficulty telling others about their grief.

I've known someone who really made some horrible choices over the past couple years, thus he tends to shut himself in to distract himself from his situation and to hide how horrible of a person he is. Sometimes you just don't know someone is in pain until you ask.

Is Character #2 a compassionate person?

@ QQQQQ: Heh, the Crysis and drugs is a funny mental image. Not that I doubt that people would turn to those things, it's just a strange picture. 'Specially considering the character in question.

In canon he's kinda He-Man Woman Hater, not sure if that'll carry over in this fic.

@ Rose: Yeah, Character #2 should be compassionate. She's a therapist.

What I'm having trouble thinking of is how she'd (try to) handle the situation.

Have you ever lost someone you love? If so, think about how you felt.

First-hand experience tells a thousand words. Do you remember when you have felt utter despair, numbing sadness, or depression? Draw on that. Imagine the ideal person who can lift you up.

edited 10th Mar '11 11:23:54 AM by QQQQQ

@Eldritch are you sure that person isn't shut off because people like you judge them too harshly? I myself don't like to share my problems but I certainly would feel justified if people I knew posted on the internet that I'm a bad person for being private...

@melloncollie it's really a matter of balancing the intensity and the numbness and then contrasting it with some form of healthy acceptance. Grief is a very extreme thing. I think you should talk to someone you know who lost someone and really explore what they felt, what they did. And then, as for showing acceptance, rather than reality I think what you really need is something new, a different perspective to say about grief and to say about what acceptance means, how to cope, what a healthy place to be is. Also, reading books that explore grief, maybe psychology books or fiction that involve a death, from Harry Potter to A Single Man, could help.

I was describing myself.

I can understand your confusion though.