, and my first stab at long Haruhi-centric writing.
The Multiversal Debauchery of Suzumiya Haruhi
Haremette One: Kyon
Looking back at it, I should have known it was obvious from the very same start.
What's up with Yamada-san?" I asked, barely lifting my tired gaze from the computer. Dammit, I needed more sleep. I really did.
"Haven't you heard the rumors? What world do you live at?" Haruhi spammed the words with as little pause as possible. "All the school knows it by now! That girl's looking for 100 'fuck-buddies'!"
Now that made me to tense up in abrupt shock. "Say WHAT?-!"
"Just imagine!" she waved her hands around. "It's all they comment on now. They all say she's gotta be crazy, naturally. She got the talk from the Dean and everything. Think about it! One hundred casual sex partners, she says!"
Was Haruhi actually expressing outrage over someone else's deviations? Could it be? Might there be some hope for her yet? It was a laughable idea, of course, and yet, at that point it seemed almost likely.
"Hm, well, that's a truly weird thing to announce," I tapped my fingers on the table, not finding anything better to say. "I don't doubt some creeps are going to try and take advantage of it, but..."
"I can't believe it!!" Haruhi tightened a fist up.
"Me neither, but not our business any wa—"
"How did we miss recruiting such a person for the SOS Brigade!!" she yelled.
I choked on the air I was breathing. "What, how, why?-!"
"Now those are guts! And willingness to take advantage of her sex appeal! Mikuru-chan could learn a few things from her! I've always liked someone with a clear goal in life! That's the kind of visionary we need to keep around!"
"We only keep her around in expulsion from this school!" I protested, slamming my hands on the table. "She's got a fully wrong aim on what should human relationships be!"
Haruhi looked at me with the annoyance of a child who has had her fun spoiled for a moment, then nodded. "Ah. I understand. Yes, you're right. She's got the wrong aim."
"See, I told you!" I felt reinvindicated for some flimsy, hopeful reason.
"She aims too low! I can't allow her to surpass me, so I'll aim for ONE HUNDRED FIFTY FUCK BUDDIES!!"
That broke my mind so much the only thing I could think about asking for the moment was, "What...? Why exactly one hundred fifty?"
She shrugged. "It's like collecting Pokemon, so it makes sense to start with that number. If we succeed, we can expand to the Golden, Silver, etc., editions."
I was livid. "You think screwing around like us is like collecting video game animals?"
Haruhi frowned again. "Where does that 'us' come from?"
"What moves you to think that list includes you?"
"Are you that desperate, to jump on any chance that comes your way?"
"What?" I wanted to yell. Me, desperate! You're the one who's thinking of screwing around with 150 guys! Or guys and girls, and probably farm animals too, if I know you well enough. "No, no, wait! This is all a mistake! From the very same start!"
He seemed to remember something. "Oh yes, you're right."
"Yes. I made a mistake. The first edition of Pokemon has 151 monsters, not 150."
"That's not what I meant at all!"
"It's okay, it's okay. You're a long time buddy, so you can be Mew if you want."
"Mew?" I asked. Dammit, stop talking in weird videogame terms! And what was with that sudden use of the 'buddy' word? Do you want to butter me up so I can help you with that insane plan? Or does that 'Mew' mean something else?
That night, after arriving home, I took Imouto apart from her portable console for a moment and asked her what a 'Mew' was.
She gave me that 'Duh' stare. "It's the 151th Pokemon, everyone knows that..."
I felt like a splotch on the wall all of a sudden. Blast it, Haruhi, don't ever use bestiality in any sort of comparation to me.