The most epic jokes you've ever heard.

Simply put, in this thread, post the most absolutely hilarious jokes you've ever heard. Not the jokes that you spam when you're nervous for a quick chuckle, not the massive lists of jokes spawned by memes, but those two or three absolute most gut-wrenchingly hilarious jokes you've ever heard. Black Comedy perfectly allowed; no cries of ' that's not funny' please. This will contain major YMMV content, obviously.

I'll go first:

The best of the best squads in each branch of the military are gathered around a camp fire, along with a single marine. They begin inevitable boasting about how awesome their branch is.

"We can assault a tank with our bare hands and win", say the Army men.

"Psh. We can jump from ten thousand feet and hit the ground running," say the Airforce boys.

"That's nothing," say the navy guys. "We can swim for twenty miles to assault a beach head and win before we're dry."

And all the while, the marine's just sitting there as quiet as can be, tending the fire with his dick.

Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Suicide Incentives

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now... No Jesus, No Christmas, No television, No cheerleaders, No Nude Women, No car races, No football, No soccer, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No chocolate chip cookies, No lobster, No nachos, No Beer nuts, No Beer !!!!!!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. On your knees facing east most of the day. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, and is uglier than your goat. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

edited 19th Dec '10 7:23:54 AM by Barkey

^I don't know if I should be appalled by the second one or laughing.

The Divine Comedy

I laughed my ass off.

One day a man from one of the governments intelligence agencies was screening the armed forces for a new field agent. He had picked Man from the four main branches to test. One from the Army, Airforce, Navy, and the Marines. He has decided to test them by tieing their wives to a chair and giving them a pistol loaded with blanks and telling them they had to shoot their wife.

He decides to get to it. He calls into his office an Air Force Para Rescue member. The man parachutes through the window in a shattering of glass landing perfectly on the chair for his interview. The government man reaches into his desk and pulls out a pistol and slides it across the desk then says "Son. Upstairs in room is your wife tied to a chair. In order to prove your loyalty to your country and your willingness to do whatever we say you have to take this pistol and shoot her in the head. " the Para Rescue member looks appalled and tells the government man fuck off and leaves the building with his wife.

A little dissapointed but not surprised he decides to call in the Army Green Beret. The wall to the office explodes crumbling the debris in a contained pattern before the smoke clears and the dust settles the hard eyed Green Beret is sitting in the chair waiting for his interview. The government man again takes out the gun and places it on the desk. He explains that the Beret's wife is upstairs and tells him the same thing he told the para rescue member. The green beret picks up the gun and seems to think it over for a minute the shakes his head no. He tells the government man to fuck off and leaves with his wife.

Feeling more dissapointed he decides to ask the Navy SEAL. He goes to call the SEAL in and is startled when the man walks out of the shadows behind his desk and sits in the chair. He places the gun on the desk again and repeats his conditions. The SEAL takes the pistol and goes up stairs. But after a long two minutes he comes back shaking his head tells the government man fuck you and leaves with his wife.

Feeling very very disappointed he decides to ask the Marine Force Recon. The Marine walks through the door normally and sits in the chair. The Government man goes through his spiel one more time. Without a pause the Recon Marine picks up the pistol and goes upstairs. Less then a minute later he hears several shots and some cussing. Expecting the Marine to come down any second he is shocked to hear the sound of a fight and violent scuffle for a few minutes. Finally the marine comes down the stair with claw marks on his face and neck. He hands the government the pistol with a sour look on his face. The government in shock asks. "What the hell happened?" The Marine now looking rather pissed off replies. "Some dumb fuck loaded the pistol with blanks I had to strangle the bitch sir."

Up in the attic of a local bar is the meanest dog you'll ever meet, and he's got a cavity. Won't let anyone near enough to pull the tooth. Downstairs lives a woman who hasn't been pleasured in years. Whoever can down half a bottle of whiskey and tend to both of these problems gets free drinks for life. Many have tried. Many have failed.

So a man walks in, he wants to take the challenge. He drinks the whiskey and staggars upstairs. Back in the bar, the men start to hear all sorts of things. Screaming. Moaning. Banging on the floor. He comes back down an hour later, downs another shot, does up his pants and says "Now where's that woman who needs her tooth pulled out?"

TSA Joke Bumber Stickers

Some explorers are lost in the jungles of Africa and find themselves nearing night fall. The three of them A Historian, A anthropologist, and linguist decide to sleep there for the night. They go to sleep only to be awoken surrounded by a tribe of unknown origin surrounding them with spears. They are trussed up and hauled to the village deep in the jungles. They are brought before the chief who tells them they were trespassing on sacred land and they had a choice. They could either accept bunga bunga or death and that they must decide their fates.

They talk amongst themselves briefly. The historian gets up first. "I do not wish to die so I choose bunga bunga" The chief nods and all the men of the tribe proceed have rough anal sex with him. The man walks away bow legged but alive.

The Anthropologist is looking uncertain and asks "Is the death horrible?" The chief nods yes. "I choose bunga bunga" Again the men of the tribe have their way with him. He walks off bow legged but alive.

The linguist feeling he should not suffer such an indignity decides he would rather die. " Chief I choose death." The chief looks surprised and asks him if it is what he wants. The linguist nods yes. The chief stands up and shouts to the entire tribe . "Death by Bunga Bunga"

Yes I am a terrible person. Admit it you laughed.

edited 19th Dec '10 4:37:23 PM by TuefelHundenIV

Very likely the longest joke ever.

edited 19th Dec '10 5:17:34 PM by BestOf

^heard it before.

A man was driving 85 mph in a 55 mph zone when he got pulled over by a police officer. After a few minutes, the officer walks up to the man's car and asks "may I see your license and registration?"

After a few seconds the man responds "I'm sorry officer, I don't have a license, it was suspended some time back after multiple DUI's.

The officer, now a little concerned asks "well I will need to see your registration.

Once again the man pauses for a moment and responds "you see officer, I don't know where the owner keeps it. I stole this car just yesterday. Perhaps its in the trun....oh wait, nevermind, NOTHING is in the trunk, I swear I didn't kill her!"

The officer, now very nervous, puts one hand on his gun and orders the man to stay still while he calls for backup.

A few minutes later about ten cop cars merge on the scene and with his gun drawn the head Sheriff approaches the car slowly and shouts "your license and registration now!" The man complies and carefully hands the sheriff his license and registraion. The sheriff then orders the man to open his trunk. The man opens the trunk and it is clean and empty. The sheriff, now a little calmer tells the man his deputy reported that he didn't have a license, the car was stolen, and there was a dead body in the trunk.

The man responds "I bet that son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too!'

Nice De Boss.

One day a business man is getting ready to go on long trip. He knows his wife has strong urges and with no way to deal with them she would likely cheat on him to get satisfaction. It was his first business trip and not wanting to lose his marriage to the issue he decides to buy his wife a dildo. He heads out to an exotic toy shop he remembers hearing about around the water cooler at work. Walking into the shop he sees a large variety of dildos and sex toys all over the store. He begins to talk with the store owner and describes his problem and what his wife likes.

They go through several models and varieties and after discussing his wife's various tastes the business gets frustrated. His wife would not be satisfied with any of the toys and he knows trouble will brew while he is away. He asks the store manager if there was anything more exotic or special to be had. The managers thinks for a moment then vanishes in back. He returns with a old looking hand carved box. Inside is a dildo made of some unknown substance. The business man is confused but is surprised at the toys realistic feel and the fact it was oddly warm.

He knew his wife would like it but it would not be enough. The store manager looks at him and goes there is more to it. Making a ring with his finger and thumb he then spoke out loud. "Voodoo dick my finger ring" The dildo sprang up and began to enthusiastically hump the finger ring. "Voodoo dick box" the dildo then stops and flies back to the box. The man amazed agrees to pay the store owner a large sum of cash feeling it was worth it. After a half hour of instruction on the commands he gets manual and goes home.

The man pleased with his find shows his wife the new sex toy and demonstrates it for her. She is thrilled with the gift and reads the manual carefully anticipating her husbands trip. The day finally comes and her husband leaves on his business trip. The excited woman takes out her new toy and takes to her room. Using the various commands she spends hours being pleased by the magic voodoo dick. She has her final orgasm and feeling very satisfied she tells the dildo "Voodoo Dick stop" to her shock and annoyance it doesn't and keeps on going. After a few minutes it starts to chaff and hurt. She desperately tries several commands but nothing works. She can't find the booklet with the commands and desperately tries to get it to stop. She can't stop the magical sex toy and decides to flee to the city to find the store and get help.

She jumps in her car now in pain and begins speeding down the streets driving erratically. A police officer pulls her over and asks her whats going. The woman gasping in pain tells the story. T he officer a bit angry with the situation proclaims loudly. "Voo Doo Dick My Ass"

edited 19th Dec '10 7:23:09 PM by TuefelHundenIV

An average Tasmanian girl is sitting on her bed reading a magazine, then her dad comes in and says. "Do the dishes!" The girl says. "No I did it yesterday." The Dad is angry at her disobedience and says. "Time for the punishment." The girl goes. "No please!" But the dad does not relent. So the girl get's down on her knees and puts her lips over her dad's member, but recoils. "Your dick tastes terrible!" "It's not my fault your brothers wouldn't wash the car!"

Oh god.

That was horrible but funny.

edited 19th Dec '10 9:07:58 PM by TuefelHundenIV

^^

Call me dense, but I don't get it.

He fucked her brothers in the ass for not washing the cars.

A guy is phoning his friend from prison. "I'm really sorry mate, I'm gonna miss you party, I'm in jail! Pulled over for driving drunk, cop said I'll be away for a long time." "What? How fast were you going, surely it can't have been that bad?" "Wasn't my speed. The arresting officer was a really hot blonde, I mean gorgeous. And when she told me that anything I said could and would be held against me, the only thing I could think to say was 'Tits'".

A man had a day off work, so spent a beautiful day over on the coast. Driving back, over a bridge, a policeman leapt out of nowhere and pulled him over, having caught him with a radar gun. "Okay, it's a 60 mile an hour area, why do you think you're doing 80?" The man, nonchalant, replies that he was on his way to work, and that he had to drive that fast. The officer is suspicious and asks what kind of a job he could have that would require him to go at that speed without some kind of marking on the vehicle. The man tells him he's a rectum stretcher. The officer has never heard of that, so asks about it. The main explains that when someone needs to be stretched, he's the one who does it. He starts with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then he slowly pulls them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across. Bewildered, the officer asks him what one does with a six foot asshole. The man casually replies "You give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge."

Very nice.

A gamer dies and goes to hell. After some time, Satan comes to God, pleading: "Please, take this idiot away from me, I can't stand him anymore! He killed all of my children, smashed all my cauldrons and crates, and there he is, running for a month through the corridors of hell, screaming: 'So much grinding, and I still can't gain a level. Diablo fucking sucks!' ."

A fanatic Quake gamer dies and goes to Heaven. Saint Peter greets him by the Pearly Gates, but then he goes, "you know dude, you weren't that bad, but I can't let you in, you turned into a totally different, cruel, evil man, when on the computer. All I can do for you is to grant you three wishes. What is your first?"

And the guy goes: "GOD"

"And the second?"

"IMPULSE 255"

"The third?", St. Peter scratches his head and asks.

"Eh, you can drop me already."

Exists also in Doom form, and possibly more fitting, but that is the first form of this joke I've heard.

A man dies and goes into Hell, where the Devil greets him and Shows him around..

Its very noisy, partys everywherer, everyone has no regrets or bounds, He can get it whenever he wants and its very escessive. After he goes from Party to Party for a While he needs a little bit quiet and comes along some rocks that are a bit away from all the partys. He hears people screaming in Agony, being tortured in the most gruesome ways and boiled in lava. When he asks the devil whats thats all about, he just answers:

"Oh that? Those are Cristians, they want it that way."

edited 22nd Dec '10 8:23:55 AM by ZheToralf

Funny. I heard a Heaven version of that one:

A man dies and goes to Heaven; St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and explains that Heaven is whatever he wants it to be, and assigns an angel to give him the grand tour. He sees the Summerlands, and fluffy Cloud Heaven, and a part of heaven that's just like earth only better, and then they come to a big tall wall that surrounds a small area. The angel explains that they can't go in there, and the man asks "Why, what's in there?" and the angel replies — "That's for the Jehovah's Witnesses'; they think they're the only ones here."

A serial killer dies and goes to Hell, wherein he is given the 'Grand tour' by Lucifer.

He explains, "We used to be a strictly lake-of-fire kind of place. Nowadays, we decided it would be more fitting to let everyone choose between several punishments."

First, he shows the man 'Hell Classic', a massive volcano on fire.

"Eh, I don't think so," the killer says.

Next, Satan takes him to 'The Chamber' wherein demons are striking mortals with various torture weapons.

"Eh, I'll pass," he says.

Finally the devil coaxes the guy to a room entitled "Maximum fun room". Inside, a young demoness is giving head to several guys chained to the wall.

The man perks up. "I suppose this is the best punishment for my horrible deeds," he says, trying to sound forlorn and repentant.

"Oh, good," says Lucifer, "She's needed a break for awhile."

A man dies and arrives in heaven. He's greeted by St. Peter, who shows him around. Eventually the man starts to notice all the clocks on the walls.

"Those are truth clocks," replies Peter. "Everyone has one, and it ticks forward one second every time they lie."

Peter shows the man the 'presidential section', part of a wall holding, in order, the clock of each president of the U.S.

The man looks quizzically at the wall.

"Where's President Reagan's?"

"Oh, Jesus has it in his office; he's using it as a fan."

I found this on overheardeverywhere.com so I would say that I Am Not Making This Up, but...

Little nine-year-old kid with megaphone: You are going to go to hell, you know! The Apocalypse is coming! Are you ready? If you are drinking, you are a bad mother!

Army man #1, standing nearby: Do we have permission to fire?

Army man #2: I wish.

edited 11th Jan '11 6:14:01 PM by dontcallmewave

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Isaac Asimov had a variant of this where it was the tip of the rabbi's penis that was in Poland

Heard it before, once about Clinton and once about Bush.

Edit:

"I like my women the way I like my whiskey: fourteen years old and mixed with coke."

edited 11th Jan '11 6:36:06 PM by Wanderhome