Self Demonstrating: Gilded Cage
Welcome, illustrious guest, to the Gilded Cage resort and day spa!
We are honored to entertain your presence, and hope you enjoy your stay. Your patron
has given us instructions to host you, and has also given us to understand that you are 1) a prominent noble
in line to the throne
, 2) in possession of sensitive state secrets, 3) a beautiful young lady
he means to woo, 4) a Mad Scientist
with the knowledge and skill to create superweapons or 5) another upstanding person of import. Rest assured, we will treat you with the very best care by keeping your presence here a complete secret, even to friends
, and your government.
Your room is the Presidential Suite, our most lavish accommodation. It comes with a fully stocked kitchen and team of chefs, entertainment rooms, library, indoor pool, solarium, Swedish massage and spa
room and bowling alley. We are sure you will find it delightful
. The Gilded Cage resort itself also has a first class restaurant, the "MacGuffin Girl
", where you can dine with your patron and your fellow guest, Mr. Bond
. We urge you to eat
. We also boast a ballroom
, and regularly host the Damsel Ball
for guests who enjoy dancing.
Because We Care
about your safety, we have provided 24 hour, full week Elite ninja bodyguard
coverage, camera surveillance
of every area, titanium reinforced walls and airlocks with Novichok gas dispensers
, automated 30mm Gatling gun turrets
mounted on walls, sniper-protected guard towers
, a fleet of interceptor aircraft ready to scramble
and radar-homing surface-to-air missiles with electro-optical backup guidance systems around the resort's perimeter. But don't let our ominous and imposing staff and defenses worry you, they will in no way inconvenience you. All our staff, from maids
, have been "re-trained"
to never speak to you, and since you will never need it, there will be no news of the outside world.
As part of our care package you get a fruit basket, evening wear
, and this matching gold chain and GPS tracking manacle which we insist
you wear. For your safety, of course.
The best part? You don't need to worry about the bill or checking out! Ever
. Or until your parents
or patron decide you can leave.
If there is anything you need, no matter the time, please let us know and one of our staff will see to your request.
— The Management
P.S. For other resorts in our chain, please consider visiting the Luxury Prison Suite
and Fantastic Nature Reserve