Laura: You see, we were all standing outside the ambulance waving goodbye to Mr. Petrov, and Mr. Brittas was saying "Where are we going to find an internationally famous pianist in the next half hour?", and I said, "Hey kids, why don't we do the show ourselves?".
Helen: Oh, you didn't...
Laura: I just never thought.
— Laura Lancing explaining to Helen Brittas how she accidentally caused the concert fiasco.
- Date First Aired: 30/01/1992
We come to a piano being taken into the centre by an old man. However, this turns out it's not the only piano to come to the centre, as there's a man coming in from Eastern Europe to perform his first concert of the free world. This piano is an heirloom of Brittas' mother, given to him by his father, Jim Brittas, who's popped around to give it to him before he heads off to sheltered accommodation. Brittas did have a previous piano, but it was burnt in an "accident".
The proper piano makes it, but Brittas gets mad at the people who drove it over for parking on the disabled spot and other stuff, leading to them dumping the piano on it's side in the middle ofthe reception area.
As Brittas tries to resolve the issue, Carole asks if she can go home at seven, as her stepmother wants her to clean the kitchen. The pianoist also comes and Brittas introduces him to the centre.
Meanwhile, Jim Brittas talks to Helen and Laura. Jim reveals that he wanted to become an astronomer but his parents made him become a night security guard instead. Due to this, he resolved to give his children the opportunity he never had by constantly praising them.
Brittas helps get Vlad get settled in but he keeps placing him in accidental danger. After this, Brittas looks for Gavin, he comes across Colin who's figured out a way to have the pianist play sideways, with a disabled hoist. However, Brittas dismisses the idea.
During this, Jim reveals how he showered his sons with praise from the day he was born. It is also revealed that Helen had a bad upbringing, which made her the way she is today. Tim, Gavin, and Colin try to move the piano but are unable to and go to tell Brittas. We also find out that Carole has good piano skills, having wanted to be a pianist but having been prevented from doing so by her parents. Vlad overhears her and wants to train her, but she heads home before he can find out her identity.
Brittas eventually gets the idea to set up the concert in the reception area. During this, Brittas realises that his piano is still in reception and gets Jim to move it for him. However, it goes astray and incapacitates the pianoist. As he's being sent away, a sarcastic comment made by Laura is interpreted literally by Brittas and he serenades the audience in what is most likely the worst rendition of "Knock Three Times" ever heard.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Abusive Parents:
- Helen's parents apparently saw her as a disappointment and are implied to have been quite disparaging, leading to her history of depression and neurosis.
- Carole's parents made her quit her dreams of becoming a piano player and instilled in her a Stay in the Kitchen attitude.
- Implied with Laura's parents, as Laura laments how they settled for teaching her how to sit up straight and wear a clean handkerchief rather than a belief in her abilities.
- Anti-Education Mama: When he was 15, Jim Brittas wanted to become an astronomer. However, his father laughed off his desire to stay on at school and pass an exam for this dream, believing that there were better ways (such as becoming a night watchman) to allow him to see the stars.
- Brown Note: Implied to be the case with Brittas, whose piano playing (combined with his own sheet music) is apparently so bad that his mother dropped dead during one of his own sessions.
- Career Not Taken:
- Carole currently works as a receptionist in Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre. However, she confides to Laura that she had always wanted to become a pianist, but was forced to give up the piano when her parents, who wanted her to become a wife, sold it to afford beauty classes for her. Her Earn Your Happy Ending in "In the Beginning..." reveals that she does eventually manage to become an international pianist.
- Jim Brittas worked as a night watchman before his move into sheltered accommodation. However, he reveals to Laura and Helen that he had always wanted to become an astronomer, being forced to change careers when his parents refused to let him take further classes in education.
- Character Catchphrase: The earliest appearance of Brittas' signature and drawn-out "Excellent!" catchphrase.
- Cinderella Plot: Carole's subplot has her stay behind to clean up whilst her stepmother and two stepsisters head off to a grand ball, much like Cinderella. Meanwhile, she ends up catching the attention of a man who wishes to give her a brand new life, much like the Prince in the fairytale. Unfortunately for Carole, she doesn't get the happy ending this episode like Cinderella does.
- Concert Episode: The episode revolves around the setting up of a charity concert in the centre, which is headlined by a Russian pianist named Vlad Petrov. Unfortunately, events lead to Brittas taking over and he proves to be a Dreadful Musician.
- Cringe Comedy: The episode ends with Brittas playing a hilariously disastrous rendition of "Knock Three Times" that cringes out the audience watching.
- Delayed Reaction: Petrov introduces himself to Brittas. Brittas continues ranting about how they can't have anyone in the centre right now because it's closed, before realising who he's talking to, leading to a somewhat embarrassed handshake.
- Dreadful Musician: Brittas is so bad with the piano that Helen had to burn their piano just to stop him from playing it. Later on in the episode, we get to hear him play a horrible rendition of "Knock Three Times", which is shown to cause mass cringing amongst those present.
- Fingore: Vladimir's hands are threatened several times with injury by Brittas, including Brittas almost stomping on one of them and accidentally creating a Rube Goldberg Device leading to a sickle falling dangerously close to Vladimir's fingers. One of his hands is eventually injured by a runaway piano crashing into him, making him unable to play that night.
- Freudian Excuse:
- Brittas' unbreakable self-esteem can be traced to his father having constantly showered him with praise since the day he was born.
- Helen's neuroses and history of depression are implied to stem from her parents' disparaging and hypercritical attitude toward her.
- Carole's constant woes and low sense of self-worth appear to be a result of her parents constantly discouraging her from pursuing her dreams and instead sending her to beauty school so she could learn to make herself more attractive to men.
- The Ghost: Carole mentions having a stepmother and stepsisters, but they never show up on screen or are even mentioned again in later episodes.
- Good Parents: Jim Brittas. Although his manner of parenting led to Brittas becoming too over-confident with his skills, it's also made clear that he only did it out of a desire to ensure that he (and his twin brother Horatio) had the opportunity that he didn't have, and it's made pretty clear that they love each other dearly.
- Hey, Let's Put on a Show: Brittas does a piano recital in the centre after Mr. Petrov is incapacitated.
- Hidden Depths: Carole is shown to have a talent for playing the piano.
- I Coulda Been a Contender!:
- Jim Brittas aspired to become an astronomer. However, when he told this to his parents, they basically laughed him off and made him start a job as a night watchman instead. This is why he showered his two boys with praise, so he can give them the opportunity he never had.
- Carole always wanted to become a pianist. However, her parents made her quit, as they wanted her to Stay in the Kitchen, and sent her off to beauty school instead.
- Insane Troll Logic: Why is the coffee machine welded to the wall? Because Brittas thought a small child might be fascinated by the flashing lights, try to climb it and be crushed to death.
- Make It Look Like an Accident: A more humorous version with Brittas and Helen's old piano, which Helen just happened to accidentally put white spritz on and which happened to have been become engulfed in flames by a stray spark off a neighbour's barbeque. Of course, as the end of the episode shows, she did it deliberately so that she wouldn't have to hear Brittas' dreadful piano-playing skills.
- Missed Him by That Much: Vladimir overhears Carole playing the piano and is awestruck by it, even considering taking her with him to his home country to teach her. Unfortunately, he decides to wait a little longer to hear the tune proper, which is long enough for her to finish and leave the centre without him ever knowing her identity. Making matters worse is when Vladimir inquires about the identity of the person who played to Brittas and about how he'll take them for training. Carole doesn't appear until near the end of the inquiry and even then only to wish goodnight to everyone, having apparently not heard anything of what Vladimir said.
- Missing Mom: It's revealed that Brittas' mother is dead, apparently whilst Brittas was playing the piano.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Brittas' attempts to move a piano ends up with it running loose and smashing into Mr. Petrov.
- Noodle Incident:
- Apparently Brittas' mum died while he was playing the piano.
- Helen got thrown out of school for something when she was 16, but all we know is that she considered herself to be good at it.
- One-Shot Character: Jim Brittas and Vladimir Petrov.
- Parents as People: Jim is a loving parent, and his method of raising Brittas and his twin brother was only ever intended as a way of giving them the opportunity he never had, but he never realises that maybe raising a child through constant praise may result in what might be best known as a git.
- Piano Drop: Thanks to Brittas luring Colin away, the piano that he and Jim were trying to move goes astray, goes down the stairs and incapacitates Vlad.
- Product Delivery Ordeal: Brittas orders a piano to be taken to the centre for a concert, but the actual trip to get it there proves to be difficult, starting with the original piano getting stolen. This naturally leaves the delivery men at their wit's end, just in time for Brittas to chew them out for parking on the disabled spot, and it leads to a piano on its side in reception.
- Rapid-Fire "Yes!": Carole, as she's speaking to Brittas on the phone at the start of the episode, gives off a rapid series of yeses in response to his questions.
- Rube Goldberg Device: Brittas sets one off by accident when he slams a door and nearly de-fingers Mr. Petrov.
- Sarcasm-Blind: The only reason Brittas took over for Mr. Petrov was that he didn't understand Laura was joking in the page quote.
- Shout-Out:
- Carole having to stay behind and clean the kitchen whilst her stepmother and step-siblings go to the ball brings to mind the plot of Cinderella.
- Brittas sings (more like butchers) "Knock Three Times" by Tony Orlando and Dawn.
- The Show Must Go On: After Mr. Petrov is knocked unconscious by a piano and they need to find another one in the next half-hour to start the concert planned that night, Laura makes a poor choice of words which convinces Brittas to step up and play the piano instead.
- Small Parent, Huge Child: Jim Brittas is at least a head smaller than his son Gordon.
- Stay in the Kitchen: Carole had this belief forced into her by her parents.Carole: I used to dream of being a concert pianist when I was little, but my parents made me give it up. They said it would be more sensible to do extra… domestic science.Laura: Oh dear...Carole: They sold our piano to put me through a max factor beauty course. They said it was more important to get a man.
- Stealing the Handicapped Spot: Brittas goes ballistic on the drivers dropping off the piano because they parked on the disabled parking spot.
- Tempting Fate: Laura makes a joke about doing the concert themselves after Mr. Petrov is sent to the hospital. The only problem is Brittas takes her seriously.
- Unknown Relative: Laura is rather horrified to learn that Brittas has a brother.Jim: Both of my boys have done well for themselves.Laura: There's another one?Jim: Oh yes. Twins.Helen: Gordon and Horatio.Laura: I had no idea...
- Unwitting Instigator of Doom: If Jim had only given Brittas realistic expectations growing up, the staff and visitors of the leisure centre would lead much happier and safer lives.
- Wanted a Son Instead: According to Helen, her father was due to inherit a jam factory if she had been born a boy. Unfortunately for him, she wasn't, leading to her parents viewing her as a disappointment.
- Waxing Lyrical: Jim quotes from the musical number "Happy Talk" in South Pacific when explaining the importance of dreams to Laura, with Helen even completing the quote in sing-song.Jim: You've got to have a Dream, Laura, because if you don't have a dream...Helen: [singing] How you going to have a dream come true?
- Wicked Stepmother: Carole's stepmother is implied to be the case, seeing as she makes Carole clean the house whilst she and her two daughters head for the ball, with no indication of them inviting Carole along.
