Quotes: The Muppet Show

"With a few exceptions, the characters on this program are weird and peculiar and not to be trusted."
Sam the Eagle

"Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked? Hrmm? Isn't that disgusting?"
Sam the Eagle

Statler: "Hey Berle! You know what? I've just figured out your style. You work like Gregory Peck."
Berle: "Wha - Gregory Peck's not a comedian!"
Statler: "Well..."
Berle: "Now just a minute, please. I've been a successful comedian for half my life!"
Waldorf: "How come we got this half?"
Berle: "Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?"
Statler: "That's right."
Berle: "What?"
Waldorf: "We came in here to be entertained, and we're not."
Milton Berle takes the usual abuse from Statler and Waldorf

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet... but man (laughs). So to answer your question, I don't know.
Homer Simpson attempts to describe the Muppets, The Simpsons, "A Fish Called Selma"

Statler: "The question is; what is a Mahna Mahna?
Waldorf: "The question is; who cares?"
Statler and Waldorf's very first snarky comment ever on the show.

Big Bird: "Oh, hi! I'm Big Bird!"
Miss Piggy: [looking him up and down] "No kidding."
Big Bird: "I'm a friend of Kermit's. We both come from the same neighborhood, Sesame Street."
Miss Piggy: "Ah! Isn't that the cute little children's show with puppets?"
Miss Piggy and Big Bird meet for the first time when the latter makes a guest appearance on the show.

Beauregard: "I sent Beaker to get the power saw."
Kermit the Frog: "Is that wise?"
Beauregard: "Oh sure, he's okay."
Kermit the Frog: "He's dumber than you are."
Beauregard: "He is not!"
Kermit and Beauregard the janitor having an intellectual conversation.

Kermit the Frog: THAT'S A BOLD FACE LIE, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHEN YOU DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT, PIGGY! YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR FOR IT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!
Miss Piggy: What are you going to me, now?
Kermit the Frog: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY. I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED!
Miss Piggy: But I am in then next number!
Kermit the Frog: I WILL CAN (To the intercom) Uh, Cancel the next number. Bring the snorers chorus instead.
Kermit the Frog fires Miss Piggy when the photographer from Tongue Magazine gave them the cover story about them getting secretly married.

Loretta Swit: Now, Kermit. Who is going to replace a talent, and a verb?
Kermit the Frog: Well, In Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you could be in it?
Loretta Swit: (GASP) I LOVE TOO!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, Good!
Loretta Swit: Will the clothes fit?
Kermit the Frog: Why sure! Anybody can do that.
Tongue Magazine Photographer: Hey Miss Piggy, Do you work here?
Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)
Kermit the Frog giving Loretta Swit an offer on replacing Miss Piggy on Vets Hospital after Kermit fires Miss Piggy.

"When Animal gets something he either hits it or eats it. No third alternative."
Dr. Teeth