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Quotes: Pointy-Haired Boss

Fiction

"I made a typo in my annual budget request, but don't worry. There are only two things you can't buy for the test lab this year: Hardware and Software."
Dilbert

"Maybe you could tell me what is going on. And please, speak as you might to a young child. Or a golden retriever. It wasn't brains that brought me here, I assure you that."
John Tuld, Margin Call

Real Life

"The best thing about Hughes has been his withdrawal from the world—for this, if nothing else, he ought not only to be honored but encouraged by a grateful nation. Yet even in the shadows of his cloistered motels, the inept tycoon insists on pulling strings, making a mess of TWA, a disaster of RKO, a shambles of vice in Las Vegas, all while creating the largest unworkable plywood plane in the world at a cost to the taxpayers of twenty-two million dollars. There is something peculiarly inhuman even about his incompetence."
Gore Vidal, "H. Hughes"

"There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are many highly-paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two."
Norman Augustine

"In all of the books that have come out about the Reagan administration, it's been extremely difficult to hide the fact that Reagan didn't have the foggiest idea what was going on. Whenever he wasn't properly programmed, the things that would come out of his mouth were like—they weren't lies, really, they were just kind of the babbling of a child. If a child babbles, it's not lies, it's just sort of on another plane. To be able to lie, you have to have a certain degree of competence, you have to know what truth is. And there didn't seem to be any indication that that was the case here. So in fact, all of the fuss in the Iran-contra hearings about 'did Reagan know or didn't he know'...What's the difference? He didn't know if nobody told him, and he didn't remember if he forgot. And who cares?"
Noam Chomsky, Understanding Power

"Todd Akin has made several legitimate mistakes over the course of his flaccid political career. Appearing on MSNBC today to say more stupid shit about rape was among them, and judging by his apparent dogged wrongness in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it won't be the last....Akin remains an object lesson on the sort of person who should not run for treasurer of the local Rotary Club, much less the US Senate. The sort of person who, simply by opening his mouth, undoes months of efforts on the part of Republicans who are trying to build a more woman-friendly image in the runup to midterms. He is to the American conservative movement what Fredo was to the Corleones. Even has the same hairline."

"See, he was running a video store before Vince (McMahon) let him write for the magazine...He can't spell. He can't write or speak English! He 'grew up in Brooklyn n' da Bronx or whateva' — I'm looking at the guy's pad: he can't spell, okay? It's not like he's a goddamn Rhodes scholar...So he's writing for the magazine. He insinuates himself. He's got good ideas. He has good ideas at a time when they need good ideas. And, you know, I'm not saying he's never had any good ideas. But you know what the problem is? The problem is that all the good ideas he's ever had is from watching those goddamn, cheap-ass B-movies that they used to rent at his goddamn loser video store. He doesn't know anything about wrestling. That's why when you hear 'ding ding ding!', it's immediately followed 60 seconds later by 'ding ding ding!' Keep the matches as short as possible. When that bell rings, Vince Russo is lost. Vince Russo is a babe in the woods. Vince Russo is a deer caught in the headlights, as long as there's a wrestling match going on."

"Thanks to an AP report that contradicted every shitty, lawyered-up statement that he made on national TV this week, Roger Goodell is a proven liar. No one in the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator tape? LIE. Couldn't legally obtain the tape? LIE. Didn't know what was on the tape? LIE LIE LIE BIG FUCKING LIE. He's a liar, but also so much more! He's an autocrat, a bully, an enabler, a stooge, an egomaniac, and a corrupt loon...I say all this while remaining fully aware that NFL owners are now clearly determined to keep Goodell around and shove out some poor underling to take the blame. They'll still make a mint in the process. But they would also make the same amount of money if they fired Goodell and hired this iron.

That's one strong iron. Ever negotiate with an iron? The iron isn't fucking around."
Drew Macgary, "Hey Roger, GTFO"

"Larry Kasanoff is a talent-less, classless scumbag that should be banned from Hollywood until the end of time. All of the inappropriate innuendos are a direct product of his 'creative hand'. I cannot tell you how many times this moron derailed production with his brainless input. It literally has cost the studio millions of dollars. They eventually stepped in and removed him from the project. Unfortunately, that was a decade and millions of dollars late."
Vader Hater, an anonymous animator who worked on Food Fight.

"Remember the Alamo (the movie I mean)? No? Yeah, I almost didn’t either. The movie started with potential. Originally, the movie was supposed to be directed by Ron Howard, produced by Brian Grazer, and starring Russell Crowe, Ethan Hawke, and Billy Bob Thorton. The deal fell through when Howard asked for an unbelievable $200 million to make the movie. Disney said 'Hell no!' and everybody but Thorton walked. Disney then hired John Lee Hancock. Who is John Lee Hancock? No one, that’s who. I had to check IMDb to see what (if anything) the guy had done. His only big movie is The Rookie. Well, now that I know that, he’s the perfect person to direct our $100 million dollar historical epic."

"They might be hacks, but they’re not pandering hacks. They’re not talking down to us. The scripts they write are about as intelligent as they are. In fact, most of their work seems to be the result of a couple of not-very-bright guys trying their hardest to write really smart movies."

"The wallet-immolating failure of Howard the Duck may come as less of a surprise to us now, in the year 2014, because (George) Lucas famously has the self-awareness of reheated spaghetti. But back in the golden 1980s, Howard the Duck's cataclysmic release was the first terrifying sign that the Bearded One might not actually have any idea what the fuck he is doing."

Mike: Him and M. Night Shyamalan, how do they keep making movies? (rethinks it) I'll tell you, it involves a profit margin.
Jay: Well, the difference is that Roland Emmerich movies always make money. M. Night Shyamalan's movies keep failing, but he keeps getting work. Maybe he gives really good blowjobs.
(long, awkward pause)
Mike: The Suck Sense?

"Night’s After Earth production tweets were something to behold, as he simpered on about each shot and edit evoking the emotional wonder and power of cinema, like a blind man telling you how clever his dog is, while stroking a furry toilet seat with a collar on it. Irritatingly, as we constantly see potentially awesome movies dropped from development as studios get jumpy about budgets, it seems like whatever he does, Hollywood just keeps throwing money at him to produce another stinker. How many better films were kept off the screen so that M. Night Shyamalan could fart out another one star abomination?"
Stuart Millard, "The Self-Destruction of M. Knight Shyamalan

"Correctly investigated for being unfit for transmission. There’s a school of thought that says this could have worked with better effects, but there’s a school of thought that thinks climate change isn’t real too, so really, who cares about that? Absolutely nothing about this story comes even remotely close to working. A misconceived disaster, and yet another example of John Nathan-Turner having no sense that maybe you should avoid putting a complete piece of crap out as a season premiere (See also the premieres of Seasons 18, 20, 22, 24, and 26.) All that can be said is that at least with Season 21 he avoids putting the worst story out as a season premiere. Instead he saves the worst story for an even more important slot. Oh, dear."

"Someone who sucked so much on Inside Edition that Fox decided to give him a job as a bs artist on its network. Also, he hates celebrities because they wouldn't give him the time of day on said Inside Edition show. Likes to use vibrators on himself."

"I'm reminded of the time during my three-year stint working for Borders when the CEO resigned and was replaced by the former head of Pathmark. Somebody who didn't care or know anything about books was suddenly calling the shots at a national bookstore chain. You don't need me to tell you the company didn't exactly turn around under his leadership. I almost wish I swiped one of the training videos that came out when he "refocused" the stores' selling procedures... I'm trying to remember if the word "book" was even mentioned during the fifteen-minute explication of his revolutionary new customer service acronym."

<SaetheR:#916> why are stupid people my managers?


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