Quotes: Pointy-Haired Boss

<SaetheR:#916> why are stupid people my managers?
<phear:#916> because they make horrible employees

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I made a typo in my annual budget request, but don't worry. There are only two things you can't buy for the test lab this year: Hardware and Software.

Chris Edwards: Steve, I'm getting a bunch of mixed messages here. Is the governor giving a concession speech or not? Because she just told me—
Steve Schmidt: I've already said this five times already. She is not giving a speech.
Chris: Well, she seems to think otherwise.
Steve: Well, she's not.
Chris: What do you want me to tell her?
Steve: (beside himself) Tell her she's not fucking speaking!
Chris: Okay, well, you both seem pretty certain...
Steve: Well, let MY certainty supersede HER certainty! God DAMN it!!

    real life 
  1. An applicant lacking even basic job skills
  2. Someone supremely un-self-aware or lacking any relative sense of what he/she does or doesn't know.

The best thing about Hughes has been his withdrawal from the world—for this, if nothing else, he ought not only to be honored but encouraged by a grateful nation. Yet even in the shadows of his cloistered motels, the inept tycoon insists on pulling strings, making a mess of TWA, a disaster of RKO, a shambles of vice in Las Vegas, all while creating the largest unworkable plywood plane in the world at a cost to the taxpayers of twenty-two million dollars. There is something peculiarly inhuman even about his incompetence.
Gore Vidal, "H. Hughes"

There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are many highly-paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two.
Norman Augustine

Todd Akin has made several legitimate mistakes over the course of his flaccid political career. Appearing on MSNBC today to say more stupid shit about rape was among them, and judging by his apparent dogged wrongness in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it won't be the last....Akin remains an object lesson on the sort of person who should not run for treasurer of the local Rotary Club, much less the US Senate. The sort of person who, simply by opening his mouth, undoes months of efforts on the part of Republicans who are trying to build a more woman-friendly image in the runup to midterms. He is to the American conservative movement what Fredo was to the Corleones. Even has the same hairline.

He obviously has qualities that I don’t recognize or understand. How can a person who has a 15-year history of failure still keep a job?
TNA Co-Founder Jerry Jarrett on Vince Russo

WCW hired a business manager named Jim Herd, a man who knew absolutely nothing about wrestling, he only knew he had a show about it on one of his TV stations. Herd had the brilliant idea of coming up with the "Ding Dongs" gimmick, a tag team called the Hunchbacks who couldn't be pinned because "hurr durr hunched back", a lumberjack gimmick that involved dancing bears, trying to involve Stan Hansen in a comedy gimmick revolving around some stupid ass cowboys, pissing off Jim Cornette and Stan Lane, the Road Warriors and most notably Ric Flair, who Herd had the absolutely brilliant idea of repackaging as "Spartacus" and having him shave his hair. Herd fired Flair and then stripped him of the WCW championship, however the actual title was still in Flair's possession and showed up on a WWF TV taping.

See, he was running a video store before Vince (McMahon) let him write for the magazine...He can't spell. He can't write or speak English! He 'grew up in Brooklyn n' da Bronx or whateva' — I'm looking at the guy's pad: he can't spell, okay? It's not like he's a goddamn Rhodes scholar...So he's writing for the magazine. He insinuates himself. He's got good ideas. He has good ideas at a time when they need good ideas. And, you know, I'm not saying he's never had any good ideas. But you know what the problem is? The problem is that all the good ideas he's ever had is from watching those goddamn, cheap-ass B-movies that they used to rent at his goddamn loser video store. He doesn't know anything about wrestling. That's why when you hear 'ding ding ding!', it's immediately followed 60 seconds later by 'ding ding ding!' Keep the matches as short as possible. When that bell rings, Vince Russo is lost. Vince Russo is a babe in the woods. Vince Russo is a deer caught in the headlights, as long as there's a wrestling match going on.
Jim Cornette on Vince Russo

Lampert is now known as one of the worst CEOs in America — the man who flushed Sears down the toilet with his demented management style and harebrained approach to retail. Sears stock is tanking. His hedge fund is down 40 percent, and the business press has turned from praising Lampert’s genius to watching gleefully as his ship sinks. Investors are running from “Crazy Eddie” like the plague...As his company was descending into Randian mayhem, Lampert continued to cheerfully inform stockholders that his revolutionary ideas would soon produce earth-shattering results. Reality: Sears has lost half its value in five years. Since 2010, Sears has closed more than half of its stores. Sears Holdings is financially distressed and Lampert’s own hedge fund has reduced its stake in the company. The Sears store in Oakland, California, open for business with boarded-up windows, has even been cited for urban blight.
Lynn Parramore on Kmart CEO Eddie Lampert

Someone who sucked so much on Inside Edition that Fox decided to give him a job as a bs artist on its network. Also, he hates celebrities because they wouldn't give him the time of day on said Inside Edition show. Likes to use vibrators on himself.

I'm reminded of the time during my three-year stint working for Borders when the CEO resigned and was replaced by the former head of Pathmark (a New York-area grocery chain, now owned by A&P). Somebody who didn't care or know anything about books was suddenly calling the shots at a national bookstore chain. You don't need me to tell you the company didn't exactly turn around under his leadership. I almost wish I swiped one of the training videos that came out when he "refocused" the stores' selling procedures... I'm trying to remember if the word "book" was even mentioned during the fifteen-minute explication of his revolutionary new customer service acronym.

Only a fucking idiot would think it was a good idea to provide less parking and fewer trains for the Super Bowl than they do for a normal game.

It was only a matter of time before Jerry Jones fucked it all up. I covered the Cowboys for NBC's Dallas affiliate for a few years, and covering the Cowboys is an easy job because Jerry Jones never stops talking to the media, and is a completely fucking insane person. He is a man who abhors a vacuum. He tolerates neither quiet failure nor quiet success. If a week passes without the Double J having done or said something completely stupid, he will cry out, 'JEEZUM CROW I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING STUPID TODAY!' and go running for the nearest camera. He's fired Jimmy Johnson, hired Barry Switzer, installed cage dancers in his stadium, stretched out his face to look like a villain in a Terry Gilliam movie, tampered with Adrian Peterson, rubbed his crotch on people, employed BOTH Roy Williamses, and in general has done everything possible to run the Cowboys into the ground... In every Cowboys season, there is at least one moment in which the Double J dismantles the authority of his coaching staff in plain view of millions, and everything falls apart shortly thereafter.
Drew McGary, "Jerry Jones Is Fucking Crazy"

Larry Kasanoff is a talent-less, classless scumbag that should be banned from Hollywood until the end of time. All of the inappropriate innuendos are a direct product of his 'creative hand'. I cannot tell you how many times this moron derailed production with his brainless input. It literally has cost the studio millions of dollars. They eventually stepped in and removed him from the project. Unfortunately, that was a decade and millions of dollars late.
Vader Hater, an anonymous animator who worked on Food Fight.

Remember the Alamo (the movie I mean)? No? Yeah, I almost didn’t either. The movie started with potential. Originally, the movie was supposed to be directed by Ron Howard, produced by Brian Grazer, and starring Russell Crowe, Ethan Hawke, and Billy Bob Thorton. The deal fell through when Howard asked for an unbelievable $200 million to make the movie. Disney said 'Hell no!' and everybody but Thorton walked. Disney then hired John Lee Hancock. Who is John Lee Hancock? No one, that’s who. I had to check IMDb to see what (if anything) the guy had done. His only big movie is The Rookie. Well, now that I know that, he’s the perfect person to direct our $100 million dollar historical epic.

They might be hacks, but they’re not pandering hacks. They’re not talking down to us. The scripts they write are about as intelligent as they are. In fact, most of their work seems to be the result of a couple of not-very-bright guys trying their hardest to write really smart movies.

The wallet-immolating failure of Howard the Duck may come as less of a surprise to us now, in the year 2014, because (George) Lucas famously has the self-awareness of reheated spaghetti. But back in the golden 1980s, Howard the Duck's cataclysmic release was the first terrifying sign that the Bearded One might not actually have any idea what the fuck he is doing.

Mike: Him and M. Night Shyamalan, how do they keep making movies? (rethinks it) I'll tell you, it involves a profit margin.
Jay: Well, the difference is that Roland Emmerich movies always make money. M. Night Shyamalan's movies keep failing, but he keeps getting work. Maybe he gives really good blowjobs.
(long, awkward pause)
Mike: The Suck Sense?

Night’s After Earth production tweets were something to behold, as he simpered on about each shot and edit evoking the emotional wonder and power of cinema, like a blind man telling you how clever his dog is, while stroking a furry toilet seat with a collar on it. Irritatingly, as we constantly see potentially awesome movies dropped from development as studios get jumpy about budgets, it seems like whatever he does, Hollywood just keeps throwing money at him to produce another stinker. How many better films were kept off the screen so that M. Night Shyamalan could fart out another one star abomination?

Correctly investigated for being unfit for transmission. There’s a school of thought that says this could have worked with better effects, but there’s a school of thought that thinks climate change isn’t real too, so really, who cares about that? Absolutely nothing about this story comes even remotely close to working. A misconceived disaster, and yet another example of John Nathan-Turner having no sense that maybe you should avoid putting a complete piece of crap out as a season premiere (See also the premieres of Seasons 18, 20, 22, 24, and 26.) All that can be said is that at least with Season 21 he avoids putting the worst story out as a season premiere. Instead he saves the worst story for an even more important slot. Oh, dear.