Quotes: Padding

Q: How many Dragon Ball characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll take them three episodes to do it.
— Old joke

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    film - live action 

Let's not get episodic, okay, old timer? Beginning. Middle. End. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it.

    live-action tv 

Scan, scan, scanÖthatís all you people ever do! Iíve been through every deck on this ship and do you know what Iíve seen? Bipeds pushing buttons! Bipeds replacing relays! Bipeds running diagnostics! When are you going to do something interesting?

I really think there's more 'nothing' in this movie than in any movie we've seen.


You talk too much
You never shut up
I said you talk too much
Homeboy you never shut up
—"You Talk Too Much", Run-D.M.C.


You know a movie is in trouble when you start looking at your watch. You know it's in bad trouble when you start shaking your watch because you think it might have stopped.
Roger Ebert on Her Alibi (1981)

    web animation 

You know why this game is on three discs? Not because itís a complex roller-coaster of an epic. It's because it's PADDED LIKE A MENSTRUATING FIRE HOSE.

    web original 

Oh my goodness, guys, I donít want to jinx it, but I think Ö I think Ö this Apartment 3-G storyline might finally be over... Looks like allís well thatís ended well after weeks and weeks and weeks of literally nothing happening, oh God, so many weeks, so many nothings.

This movie is slower than the checkout line with the woman reading the bodice ripper and paying with a check.

Here is the movie. Some government guy comes up to Henry and tells him to give the government some steel and Henry tells him to piss off cause capitalism. Then Henry complains and someone asks 'Who is John Galt?' and someone disappears like there is some Objectivist Batman running around or something. Another person comes to Henry asking him for steel and he tells him to piss off. Henry complains and someone tells Atlas to shrug. Then another person tells Henry to give the steel, then lather, then Henry has the court asking him for steel, then rinse, then more government people ask for steel, then repeat. I had it all wrong a few paragraphs ago. This movie isnít slow in telling a story, it is an endless loop. Ayn Rand is Selena Gomez, she loves this plot point like a love song, and she keeps hitting re-peatpeatpeatpeatpeat. Oh god, this review has me quoting Selena Gomez.
Miles Antwiler on Atlas Shrugged Part II: The Strike

Chris: As you may have realized by this point, this movie is kind of poorly written. But hey, please enjoy two minutes of slapstick as Barb Wireís dog eats a dudeís penis in the next scene!
Matt: And, really, that whole scene is the dog bites the guy in the crotch. It is the epitome of a DVD deleted scene. But here it is, in the movie...This movie should not only really get going 40 minutes in. It does not earn that at all. Casablanca can totally do that. Itís got atmosphere like crazy and itís really enjoyable to hang out with Rick and Ugarte for a while. It more than earns its deliberate pacing. Barb Wire is a 138-minute movie that should be about 50.
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Barb Wire

Data reports the cave is unstable. Glad you're here, Professor. The shaking and falling rocks didn't tip me off at all. He goes with Worf and Picard to find an escape route. They blow out a wall, revealing... more caves! Which Picard suggests they head for. In screenwriting, this is generally known as "padding". For those less than cinematically inclined, just picture this: term paper due in thirty minutes. 100 words away from the minimum length. You get the picture.

Viceroy: (on viewscreen) Hello, I'm a big scary-looking alien. Sorry to keep you waiting in orbit for 17 hours, but our great leader is dying and he will be wormfood in another day or so. That's why we chose theatrics over haste.

Mulder chats to his cellmate in what must be one of the most blatant examples of empty dialogue and Scully examines a rock. Yes, it's that riveting...I'd lost the plot at this point and was swiveling around on my chair because that was the more interesting option.
Joe Ford on The X-Files, "Terma"

Clark has to "let go" of his past, just as Oliver has to "let go" of his self-doubt. They both have to "find the strength within". Oddly, however, Oliver had never really before seemed especially self-doubtful] and Clark has reached this conclusion so many times now it's become embarrassing.
Marc Pritchard on Smallville, Propecy"

This was not a 1 episode. There were redeeming qualities. As usual, they occur at the beginning and at the end of the episode, when nothing about the episode in question is really happening, but rather, when character motion slugs forward... I often wonder what the length of the actual character segments of this show would add up to. If someone were to cut them all together using Windows Media Player or something, it would probably give us a good three or four hours of work.
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Tomb")

It's just the Doctor playing the Trilogic Game for four episodes while Steven and Dodo meander through a series of arbitrary deadly challenges. The reason it's four episodes long is... that's how long it is. It could have been one. It could have been three hundred. It doesn't matter, because the plot does not build at all, at any point, anywhere in the entire episode. They just eventually run out of games and go free.

"This was the year TV critics finally realized that having a lot of dialogue does not equal having good dialogue. ZOMG SO MANY WORDS HOW DOES SORKIN DO IT?"
Drew Magary, "The 25 Least Influential People of 2012"

Macho is out in a flash threatening to beat up Sapphire, but then our jiggly hero, Dusty Rhodes comes to her rescue and they beat up Brother Love and spend about 5 minutes in the ring just dancing for no reason.

I used to think that segments like this only happened these days. Iím relieved to see that they are a part of wrestlingís history and entirely inescapable. Jesus.
Cewsh Reviews Royal Rumble 1988

If this keeps up, Charles Nelson Reilly is going to sue me for using his image so much.

It was shaping up to be an amusing episode of Raw. Yes, it was extremely thin on action, but sometimes youíve got to tease the audience to convince them to buy the upcoming pay-per-view, especially WrestleMania... oh right, this *was* WrestleMania.

Aside from the 2007-2008 writers' strike sliding a cactus up TV's collective asshole, one of the biggest problems with later seasons of Heroes was that the plot simply lost basic direction... Hiro gets a love interest. And then another love interest. And then one more sort-of love interest. Claire wants to be normal and lets us know that through 6 billion rehashed arguments with her father. Sylar turns good. Then bad. Then good. Then ... something with a carnival. It was never really spelled out for us where these characters were going and why we needed to feel a sense of urgency for them to get there. They were just kind of doing things. With powers.

It's here that Chloe has the flight attendant summon her father to hear her "extremely good news." We cut back to Rayford's point of view because this is how [co-author Jerry] Jenkins works: If Chloe sends her father a message, the next scene has to be of her father receiving that same message. This is part of his secret formula for cramming a 200-page novel into a mere 468 pages.

    web video 

Brace yourself for two movies so unnecessarily long that they include five Volvo commercials, two montages of the previous Twilight movies, four games of chess, and the MOST. STARES. EVER!
Honest Trailers, Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Parts 1 and 2)

Y'see, a guy named William Shakesman once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

This just means don't waste my time. Ya keep it nice and simple!

(cut to George Lucas playing with his Gungan figurines)

I said stop wasting my time. STOP IT!

Rich: Speaking of negative, we watched The Star Wars Holiday Special...
Jay: Yes. There's Wookies in this, and they don't speak English, they just make noises, and there's no subtitles—for fifty percent of the movie.
Mike: (interjecting) —Speaking of not speaking English, let's talk about the immigration issue.

Jay: This movie is challenging you to stay awake for the whole thing... And I wasn't even tired! I can watch a movie super-late at night! If I'm engaged, I'll be into it, it doesn't matter. But I noticed I was starting to nod off, and I was like, "I'm not gonna let this movie beat me. It beat Mike. I'm not gonna let it beat me." So that was my challenge for the rest of the movie, to keep me invested: just, not falling asleep. To the point where I had to just get up and walk out the theater for a bit, stretch my legs. I heard you giggling.
Rich: Yeah, because I knew you had given up... I didn't think you were coming back.

Meanwhile, Ramirez is still in Scotland (you can because in Scotland there's constant bagpipe music)...He stops into a tailor for new suit, because when you return from death, you reappear in your old clothes. No money, but hey, your head's still attached; better than a kick in the nuts, I guess. He doesn't have any money but luckily he has a pearl earring which— (beat) is worth nowhere near what a new suit would cost. Is all this necessary? Does this B-plot accomplish anything other than being annoying and raising more plot holes?

For the love of God! Cut half this shit out, c'mon!

Cause this is FILLER! Filling up the time! An hour and a half is just too long for uncreative minds! Whoo! Whoo!

Boy, this would be annoying if it were paired with a much more interesting and time-sensitive story.
Allison Pregler, Baywatching ("Armored Car")

This is gonna be a really short video. But it's a kinda short level, even for Yoshi's Island, it's — Bonus challenge! Oh, well, okay, we can artificially pad things up with Bonus Challenge here. (Whew!)