Quotes from Jupiter Ascending
"Technically speaking, I'm an alien, and from the perspective of Immigration, an illegal one."
—Jupiter Jones, voiceover, first line of the film.
"That's capitalism, babe. Shit rolls downhill, profits flow up."
—Vladie Bolotnikov, after Jupiter asks him why he deserves a two-thirds share of the proceeds from her egg donation.
Jupiter Jones: Yeah, because a dream is the only way any of this make sense.
Caine Wise: Compared to what? The idea that you're the only intelligent species, on the only inhabitable planet, in a universe so full of planets that you don't even have a number to describe how many there are.
Caine Wise: You are royalty now. I'm a Splice; you don't understand what that means. I have more in common with a dog than I have with you.
Jupiter Jones: I love dogs. I've always loved dogs.
"I CREATE LIFE!!! …and I destroy it."
Caine Wise: Compared to what? The idea that you're the only intelligent species, on the only inhabitable planet, in a universe so full of planets that you don't even have a number to describe how many there are.
Caine Wise: You are royalty now. I'm a Splice; you don't understand what that means. I have more in common with a dog than I have with you.
Jupiter Jones: I love dogs. I've always loved dogs.
"I CREATE LIFE!!! …and I destroy it."
— Balem Abrasax, "explaining" his motivation.
Quotes about Jupiter Ascending
It's absolute nonsense, with each new world more fantastically overdressed than the last, and dialogue that would make George Lucas cringe. Top marks go to evil space royal Eddie Redmayne, whose breathy ennui is offset by bouts of mummy's boy shrieking, all delivered with a "petite-mort" look on his face that suggests he is being fellated by eternity itself.
For all its flaws, Jupiter Ascending confirms that the Wachowskis are auteurs whose failures are as audacious, ambitious, heroically sincere, and achingly romantic as their extraordinary early successes. There are many questionable elements to Jupiter Ascending; the Wachowskis' conviction and belief in themselves, however, are not among them.
Jupiter Ascending is a pretty awful, uninspired mess[. …] While it may not be based on an existing property, there's nothing the slightest bit "original" about this movie's plot, which is packed full of rehashed space opera clichés from everything from Star Wars to Dune to The Fifth Element, and the parts of the story that aren't completely derivative are just dumb and weird.
...Academy Award winner Eddie Redmayne, who makes a strong case for the Academy to retroactively take back his Academy Award.
THIS IS THE ACTUAL PLOT OF THE MOVIE
SERIOUSLY, WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP
SOMEONE PAID A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS FOR THIS
HOW WAS THIS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?
THIS WAS ACTUALLY SCREENED AT SUNDANCE
YES, THOSE ARE WOLF EARS ON CHANNING TATUM
IF YOU THINK THIS TRAILER IS DRAGGING ON TOO LONG, TRY WATCHING THE MOVIE
WE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION THE HUGE MAXI PAD
SERIOUSLY, WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP
SOMEONE PAID A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS FOR THIS
HOW WAS THIS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?
THIS WAS ACTUALLY SCREENED AT SUNDANCE
YES, THOSE ARE WOLF EARS ON CHANNING TATUM
IF YOU THINK THIS TRAILER IS DRAGGING ON TOO LONG, TRY WATCHING THE MOVIE
WE DIDN'T EVEN MENTION THE HUGE MAXI PAD
—messages on screen during the Honest Trailers video for the film
