Quotes / Joke Item

Noel: Monsters don't kill people; people kill people. Does that sound about right?

Mog: (narrating) Truer words were never spoken, kupo. People are much more scary than monsters, kupo! We risked our lives to solve the case, kupo, and how does the government pay us? Not with gil, but bits and bobs and household goods, kupo! No one needs ten years worth of toilet paper, kupo! No one! I had no choice but to decline their offer. The government is evil, kupo! Humans are evil, kupo!

Fragment Discovered! Kalavinka Fragment You obtain 4500 CP!

Item Acquired! You obtain a Toilet Paper Coupon!

Final Fantasy XIII-2

"This is FAR from the strongest of swords! I feel so betrayed!"

—Gilgamesh upon using Excalipoor in Various Final Fantasy games.

Obtained Long Live the Ice!
Press an enemy to encase it in ice and stop it from moving. (Some enemies may not be affected.)
...
Orange Fluffy Sheep: Look at this pin! Look how BAD it is! It's almost begging you to make fun of it because at least then you're paying attention to it!

—Let's Play The World Ends with You

"I read through the whole book, and even though it tells you to collect items to use in other places, I've never been able to figure out how or where to use any of them. I eventually just started experimenting with them all. I tried using a beer I found, which didn't seem to do anything except make the controls and graphics even worse than they were before - hard to believe, I know. There's a mirror that kind of... shimmers.^note Not actually a Joke Item, as it's required to complete Periphery There's a chain with a hook on the end that attaches to the ceiling and swings there for... no apparent reason or effect. There's a watch that temporarily stops time, I think^note Somewhat of a Joke Item, since it freezes enemies but prevents you from shooting them, but it loses any Joke status it had in Lair due to the best strategy for that level basically amounting to "unless you're watching a movie clip or have no choice but to fight enemies, run like hell". And I found a bunch of items that don't seem to do anything, like a Blair Witch doll^note Not actually a Joke Item, as it's required for Purgatory, which Spoony never reached, a bong^note Actually a vial of blood - not actually a Joke Item, as it shows hidden paths, a flashlight^note Not actually a Joke Item, as it lights up dark rooms, a fiery thing, a guitar, a cardboard box, a stereo,^note Previous two aren't Joke Items; they're even worse a shovel^note Not actually a Joke Item, as it allows you to obtain a secondary weapon that uses Tantanik Crystals as ammo... I don't know. My favorite useless item is the cigarette, because when you use it, it kills you!"

— Spoony, first "review" of Bloodwings: Pumpkinhead's Revenge

Increases your nothing by zero for the rest of the day.

— West of Loathing

"Oops! It's gone into orbit. A success… sort of."

— Scientist upon using the Real Rocket, EarthBound Beginnings

"It's a joke."

— Message box in Super Hydlide that appears whenever you use an item with no in-game purpose

Bayonetta: Isn't this cheeky, throwing me these cheap toys!
Rodin: Don't worry about quality; I've got quantity!
...
Bayonetta: This is why I never buy anything on sale.

Bayonetta series, regarding the Handguns^* A quartet of ordinary pistols, with designs lifted from Devil May Cry. In each game, they share combos with Bayonetta's default weapon set, but are significantly weaker and lack the ability to perform Wicked Weaves; they are used in the prologue, discarded or destroyed before receiving firearms suited to an Umbra Witch, and unlocked after beating the game.

Cancels the effect of pulling in distanced items automatically with Rhythm Dodge.
I wanted to check if you actually read these descriptions before buying these chips, so I made one that is basically useless. Let's see if you can pass this test, Chai. - Peppermint.

—Description of the 'Rhythm Dodge Pull Cancel' Chip, Hi-Fi RUSH

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