Ooh, this is potentially amusing... creamy skin... haha, let's see how she likes her skin to be really creamy.
—Miss Rowan, The Official Fanfiction University of MREDURE (At an OFU, you become what you sign up as).
"You got what you wanted!"
"But you lost what you had!"
"But you lost what you had!"
Never trust a genie.
— Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants, "Christmas Who?"
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish".
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
Police Officer: Freeze!
The Djinn: Did I hear you say freeze?
Police Officer: ...Yeah... yeah! You're goddamn right I said freeze!
The Djinn: Done. (freezes the officer solid)
The Djinn: Did I hear you say freeze?
Police Officer: ...Yeah... yeah! You're goddamn right I said freeze!
The Djinn: Done. (freezes the officer solid)
3.14: Anyways here's how you play. One person wishes, the next person grants and corrupts to their own liking, then makes a wish of their own. For example: "I wish I had a car." "Granted. It's the car from Stephen King's Christine. I wish for world peace." "Granted. World peace is achieved by uniting the world against you. I wish for the secret of happiness." "Granted. You are hit by a bus."
—The Corrupt-a-Wish Game
, which exists on every forum ever.
, which exists on every forum ever.Genies actually only know how to change men into pink haired, cock shaved poodle puppy-boys and women into cat-morphs. Everything else is a fraud — that's why no genie actually grants the true intent of a wish.
Your wish is my command / Your fate is in my hand / So why have you forsaken me?!
—"As You Wish", Persuader
, Persuader"Speaking of wishes, you know what I never understood? Genies! They tell you to wish for anything you want, and then they add some terrible twist. Like you wish to jump high so he turns you into a frog. What? Why? Who gains from this? The genie? Where's the benefit?"
—Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, Phineas and Ferb, "The Lake Nose Monster"
"No! You weren't supposed to have your wishes come true! You were supposed to DIE!"
— Aquandrius, Adventure Time, "The Limit"
I am the genie of the lamp. I provide you three wishes, all of which contain horrible, ironic consequences!
Jake: I wish for a safe Finn!
Prismo: Wait! Dude, I like you so you should know that my wishes always have an ironic twist to them. It's like a monkey's paw kind of thing.
Jake: What?!
Prismo: You just gotta be really specific. Say your wish is "I wish for a backrub". Who's gonna give it to you? A dirty man? A bear? And where does this masseuse come from? Do I zap some guy from his family dinner, leave some kid traumatized? "Mom, where did dad go?" "I dunno, son, he just disappeared from the table. Sorry."
Prismo: Wait! Dude, I like you so you should know that my wishes always have an ironic twist to them. It's like a monkey's paw kind of thing.
Jake: What?!
Prismo: You just gotta be really specific. Say your wish is "I wish for a backrub". Who's gonna give it to you? A dirty man? A bear? And where does this masseuse come from? Do I zap some guy from his family dinner, leave some kid traumatized? "Mom, where did dad go?" "I dunno, son, he just disappeared from the table. Sorry."
"The main question here is why didn't Goliath ask Puck to give him the castle back or resurrect the clan? The answer is simple. A trickster, especially one being coerced, is going to find a way to screw you while giving you what you want."
Arthur: I kinda don't get genies at all... why they gotta be jerks with the wishes? It's like, you ask for gold, and what do they do? They crush you under a ton of gold. And it's always stuff like that! It's always some ironic punishment.
Emily: I think it's supposed to be a corrective against greed.
Arthur: Aw, man... you live in a bottle! You ain't gotta right all the rights! Just do someone a solid! Maybe make a friend!
Emily: I don't think it's supposed to...
Arthur: GOD FORBID YOU BE A BRO ABOUT IT, GENIE.
Emily: I think it's supposed to be a corrective against greed.
Arthur: Aw, man... you live in a bottle! You ain't gotta right all the rights! Just do someone a solid! Maybe make a friend!
Emily: I don't think it's supposed to...
Arthur: GOD FORBID YOU BE A BRO ABOUT IT, GENIE.
— Sheldon
Brian: These starlets have got to stop making deals with magical creatures because it always gets them in trouble!
Angelique: I know absolutely, I mean we all saw when that genie granted Jennifer Aniston eternal youth, but then we saw that eternal youth would mean never growing up by having a lasting relationship or children.
Brian: Also, we saw when Christina Ricci asked a wizard to make her skinny, but the catch was that he could make her head as big as he wanted...
Angelique: I know absolutely, I mean we all saw when that genie granted Jennifer Aniston eternal youth, but then we saw that eternal youth would mean never growing up by having a lasting relationship or children.
Brian: Also, we saw when Christina Ricci asked a wizard to make her skinny, but the catch was that he could make her head as big as he wanted...
He [Death] pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic and said that each had earned a prize for having been clever enough to evade him. The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence so Death fashioned him one from an elder tree that stood nearby. The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further and asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave so Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him.
The first brother traveled to a distant village while with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled. Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged of his invincibility. But that night, another wizard stole the wand and slit the brother's throat for good measure. And so Death took the first brother for his own.
The second brother journeyed to his home where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand. To his delight, the girl he once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him. Yet soon she turned sad and cold for she did not belong in the mortal world. Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother killed himself so as to join her. And so Death took the second brother.
The first brother traveled to a distant village while with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled. Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged of his invincibility. But that night, another wizard stole the wand and slit the brother's throat for good measure. And so Death took the first brother for his own.
The second brother journeyed to his home where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand. To his delight, the girl he once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him. Yet soon she turned sad and cold for she did not belong in the mortal world. Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother killed himself so as to join her. And so Death took the second brother.
Demona: If you can't get rid of all the humans, then at least rid me of that Human! Elisa Maza!
Puck: Did you say "that Human" or "that Human"? Oh, never mind, I'll figure it out. This just might be fun, after all.
Puck: Did you say "that Human" or "that Human"? Oh, never mind, I'll figure it out. This just might be fun, after all.
The marid poured out of the flask like water and said, "Your wish is my command." Overjoyed, the halfling wished for immortality, so the marid polymorphed him into a fish that flopped around humorously until, finally, it expired. It's a cautionary tale that has survived through the ages, so I suppose the halfling got his wish.
—Kesto Brighteyes, gnome proprietor of the Parted Veil bookshop, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition Monster Manual
SCP-2317-JK: [I]f you open that door, I'll grant you wishes.
Dr. Choi: Are these going to be those shitty genie wishes, where you horribly subvert what I want?
SCP-2317-JK: Oh no, real genuine wishes from me!
Dr. Choi: Are these going to be those shitty genie wishes, where you horribly subvert what I want?
SCP-2317-JK: Oh no, real genuine wishes from me!
There is one final quality of the Thing® which it is worth mentioning, and that is the way it embodies the perverse wickedness of its creator's imagination. A statement usually has several possible opposites. The Thing® tends to choose the one most likely to do mischief, in accord with its creator's particular and warped perspective of the world.
Had Bingo spoken the sentence, "I wish I were free" through the Thing®, it would have made the opposite true, such that Bingo did not wish to be free, was happy to be a captive and welcomed the fate the spiders had in store. Had he said, "I wish I were a captive", then he would have found nothing changed — the Thing® would have been happy with the world as it found it, a world in which Bingo did not wish he were a captive. But let us assume that Bingo was wise enough to follow Thorri's advice, and to speak only declarative statements, rather than wishes, through the Thing®. Let us say he had uttered the phrase, "We are captives". Then the Thing® could have chosen to free the dwarfs, the wizard and the soddit. But it could just as well and more likely have chosen to interpret "we" as meaning all the captives in all the prisons of the world; or as meaning only Bingo and the spiders; or as meaning anything its perverse magic imagination liked. It is a truth that applies to all magic devices, and applies to the Thing® above all: one must phrase one's wishes very carefully indeed when one uses such objects.
Had Bingo spoken the sentence, "I wish I were free" through the Thing®, it would have made the opposite true, such that Bingo did not wish to be free, was happy to be a captive and welcomed the fate the spiders had in store. Had he said, "I wish I were a captive", then he would have found nothing changed — the Thing® would have been happy with the world as it found it, a world in which Bingo did not wish he were a captive. But let us assume that Bingo was wise enough to follow Thorri's advice, and to speak only declarative statements, rather than wishes, through the Thing®. Let us say he had uttered the phrase, "We are captives". Then the Thing® could have chosen to free the dwarfs, the wizard and the soddit. But it could just as well and more likely have chosen to interpret "we" as meaning all the captives in all the prisons of the world; or as meaning only Bingo and the spiders; or as meaning anything its perverse magic imagination liked. It is a truth that applies to all magic devices, and applies to the Thing® above all: one must phrase one's wishes very carefully indeed when one uses such objects.
—The Soddit
Gaunter O'Dimm: In brief, I give folk what they ask for. You might say I simply grant their wishes.
Geralt: And drop them in a world of hurt.
Gaunter O'Dimm: No, not I. That would be their poorly-formulated wishes. I'm no cheat. I give folk what they want, nothing more. That they oft desire unworthy things...that is entirely the fault of their own rotten natures.
Geralt: And drop them in a world of hurt.
Gaunter O'Dimm: No, not I. That would be their poorly-formulated wishes. I'm no cheat. I give folk what they want, nothing more. That they oft desire unworthy things...that is entirely the fault of their own rotten natures.
Genies are spiteful and deceitful things. They do not like being packed into bottles and ordered to move mountains. They do everything they possibly can to make it impossible for you to express your wishes and then they fulfil them in a way which are hard to control and forsee, sometimes literally, so you have to be careful what you say.
When he is not being used by Tzeentch as his trump card in the Great Game, the Changeling entertains himself by roaming the galaxy and the warp alike to play devastating practical jokes upon the unwary.
On one occasion, he took the shape of a Keeper of Secrets and answered the summoning of an Imperial commander whose vast palace was besieged by the vengeful Dark Angels Space Marines. The Changeling traded the souls of the desperate man's daughters for a "powerful artefact" which, in the fool's own words, "would put an end to the siege." The moment the commander activated the strange device, the shadowy forms of several Deathwing Terminator squads materialized around him, locking onto the device he was holding in his hand - the teleport homer the Changeling had stolen from the Master of the Ravenwing's jetbike. The siege was indeed soon over.
On one occasion, he took the shape of a Keeper of Secrets and answered the summoning of an Imperial commander whose vast palace was besieged by the vengeful Dark Angels Space Marines. The Changeling traded the souls of the desperate man's daughters for a "powerful artefact" which, in the fool's own words, "would put an end to the siege." The moment the commander activated the strange device, the shadowy forms of several Deathwing Terminator squads materialized around him, locking onto the device he was holding in his hand - the teleport homer the Changeling had stolen from the Master of the Ravenwing's jetbike. The siege was indeed soon over.
—Warhammer 40,000: Codex - Chaos Daemons (4th ed)
Krillin: Little Green, wish our friend Piccolo back to life, and then with our next wish, bring him to Namek.
Piccolo: Hold on a minute, don't do that! That is a terrible i—(is resurrected and brought to Namek)—dea!
(Piccolo can be heard screaming in the distance)
Dende: He is on Namek.
Gohan: Wait, where is he?
Dende: On Namek.
Piccolo: (in the distance) You dumbass!
Krillin: Why didn't it bring him here?
Dende: You must be specific.
Gohan: Oh, so it's a sort of monkey's paw. You have to be careful with the hubris in your wishes.
Piccolo: (still in the distance) NEEEEEEEERRRRDDD!
Piccolo: Hold on a minute, don't do that! That is a terrible i—(is resurrected and brought to Namek)—dea!
(Piccolo can be heard screaming in the distance)
Dende: He is on Namek.
Gohan: Wait, where is he?
Dende: On Namek.
Piccolo: (in the distance) You dumbass!
Krillin: Why didn't it bring him here?
Dende: You must be specific.
Gohan: Oh, so it's a sort of monkey's paw. You have to be careful with the hubris in your wishes.
Piccolo: (still in the distance) NEEEEEEEERRRRDDD!
Bradford: Wait, no, we are not using the Papyrus! It is chaos magnified!
Black Heron: Well then, what's the point? Why can't I ask the Papyrus for ultimate power?
Bradford: Because then we get blasted by a trillion volts of electricity! "What about unimaginable wealth?" Then we're crushed under mountains of invisible treasure! The Papyrus is literally dangerously literal! A slightly misworded command could end us both!
Black Heron: Well then, what's the point? Why can't I ask the Papyrus for ultimate power?
Bradford: Because then we get blasted by a trillion volts of electricity! "What about unimaginable wealth?" Then we're crushed under mountains of invisible treasure! The Papyrus is literally dangerously literal! A slightly misworded command could end us both!
—DuckTales (2017), "The First Adventure!"
Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know, not much of a storybook ending: "The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres!"
Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin: Awwww. I bet Fiona'd be really touched to hear that. But hey, I guess you can tell her yourself.
(Rumpelstiltskin reveals he still has Fiona in his clutches)
Shrek: Fiona! (tries to reach out to her, but it turns out they're chained apart from each other) Stiltskin! We had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? "By day one way, by night another, blarty blarty blar." (chuckles maniacally) Nobody's smart but me!
Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin: Awwww. I bet Fiona'd be really touched to hear that. But hey, I guess you can tell her yourself.
(Rumpelstiltskin reveals he still has Fiona in his clutches)
Shrek: Fiona! (tries to reach out to her, but it turns out they're chained apart from each other) Stiltskin! We had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? "By day one way, by night another, blarty blarty blar." (chuckles maniacally) Nobody's smart but me!
It is an objective scientific fact that all genies are jerks.
You might say this is a bit of a prejudiced thing to say. You might say you cannot paint the entire race of Djinn with the same brush. And most people would agree - the Djinn are a wonderful people and a fascinating culture. But we're not talking about the Djinn. We're talking about genies. Furthermore, most Djinn would agree with you, as they are the ones who punished the genies for their various acts of jerkery by consigning them to lamps in the first place.
They're a bit like Loki, actually. The Norse Gods didn't punish Loki because they hated people named Loki - they punished Loki because Loki was being a jerk.
But I digress.
You might say this is a bit of a prejudiced thing to say. You might say you cannot paint the entire race of Djinn with the same brush. And most people would agree - the Djinn are a wonderful people and a fascinating culture. But we're not talking about the Djinn. We're talking about genies. Furthermore, most Djinn would agree with you, as they are the ones who punished the genies for their various acts of jerkery by consigning them to lamps in the first place.
They're a bit like Loki, actually. The Norse Gods didn't punish Loki because they hated people named Loki - they punished Loki because Loki was being a jerk.
But I digress.
—Halloween Unspectacular 6: Lair of the Hack Writer, "Genies Are Jerks"
