Quotes / I'm a Man; I Can't Help It

Daphne: It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want?! Sex is what we want!

— Frasier, "Sleeping With The Enemy"

Chris: Also, while it’s not the movie’s fault, shame on Chris Sims and Matt Wilson for objectifying Jennifer Connelly in their review. Honestly, show some professionalism, guys.
Matt: What a couple of clowns.

—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on The Rocketeer

The look on Mulder’s face when Bambi suggests that UFO sightings are swarms of insects is priceless; had this been Scully he would have raged at her for making such an outrageous suggestion but because Bambi is a hottie, he looks absorbed by her explanation, nodding his head like a puppy dog. In a teasing line, he says that he finds her scientific detachment quite refreshing when it is the very thing about Scully that drives him nuts (he also tells his partner to feck off when he is in the middle of flirting with this buxom etymologist)...The way she talks to Bambi (‘this is no place for an etymologist’) proves hilariously that women do suffer the ‘mine is bigger than yours’ syndrome too.

—Doc Oho on The X-Files, "War of the Coprophages"

I knew Niecy Nash was in Getting On, Reno 911!, Clean House, The Soul Man, Hair Show and Cookie's Fortune, but I had no idea she had a PhD in couples therapy. I mean, that’s why someone gave her money to write a book about marriage and relationships, right? Niecy has a book out called It’s Hard To Fight Naked and while talking about it with Playboy, she said that men are simpletons who are happy as long as they have a hot meal in their mouth and a hot mouth on their dick.

Dr. Niecy, who definitely has a masters in blow jobs, basically admitted to giving her second husband of 3 years a beej every day...The anti-Peg Bundy also says that getting her uterus taken out was the greatest thing she’s ever done, because now she and her husband can bareback without worry. I guess Niecy doesn’t know about condoms or birth control, but in her defense, she doesn’t have time to research such things since she’s always gargling peen and making dinner.

—Michael K., "Niecy Nash Thinks The Key To A Happy Marriage Is Sucking Your Husband’s Peen Every Day"

Should I be feelin' bad? (No)
Should I be feelin' good? (No)
It's kinda sad, I'm the laughing-stock of the neighborhood
And you would think that I'd be movin' on
But I'm a sucker, like I said, fucked up in the head... Not!
And maybe she just made a mistake
And I should give her a break, my heart'll ache either way
Hey, what the hell, what you want me to say?
I won't lie, that I can't deny
I did it all for the nookie (Come on!)
The nookie (Come on!)
So you can take that cookie
And stick it up your (Yeah!)

— Limp Bizkit, "Nookie"

"He never even got to have sex with his mistress! That's what kills me. When you tweet your dick at people, publicly humiliate your wife, resign from Congress in disgrace, then continue to sext with other women—even as you're trying to resurrect your political career—you should at least get to consummate the deal with the future Vivid Video contract worker on the other end of the line. Anthony Weiner happily risked it all just to ask a total stranger to gag on his cock. He's the saddest lecher in American politics, and that's saying something, because they're all lechers."

—Drew Magary, "The 25 Least Influential People of 2013"

"Ben Stein, who the lowbrow among us will recognize as the eyedrop shilling 'Bueller.... Bueller....' guy from Ferris Beuller's Day Off and the nerds will recognize as the conservative thought-generator and American Spectator senior editor, has penned an incredibly bizarre stream of consciousness essay on how he is basically a slave to his dick and can't stop being tempted to give beautiful women who are not his wife money. This essay was printed in a magazine. Ben Stein is a caricature of a hapless rich guy being duped by beautiful women in a Marilyn Monroe movie."

—Jezebel, "Ben Stein Writes Truly Bizarre Essay On Being A Creepy Old Man"

Rick Castle: (stops and stares after woman leaving a plastic surgeon's office in a tight dress)
Kate Beckett: Ahem. What is it with men and boobs, anyway?
Castle: Biological. We can't help it.
Beckett: But doesn't it bother you that they're so obviously not real?
Castle: Santa's not real. We still love opening his presents.

— Castle

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