"Something about fatherhood seems to regress the male psyche a few thousand years."
—Tom Paris, Star Trek: Voyager
"I cannot emotionally accept how little control I exercise over this situation. I have a disordered psycho-sexual relationship to my child, rooted in my own long harbored insecurities. This manifests in socially inappropriate ways. One of these ways may be making ostensibly sarcastic threats of physical harm toward my child's love interests."
—"Rules for Dating My Kid", Meme
My son is my son till he have got him a wife,
But my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life.
But my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life.
—Proverb from Thomas Fuller's Gnomologia (1732).
"You break her heart, I break your everything."
"Some people say it's hard to kill a living thing, and it is. So I play a little game. I imagine the bird doing terrible things, that it is a terrible person. I imagine that it's laid its dirty fingers on my precious daughter and then thrown her away like a used tissue."
— Mr Soap, Scary Go Round
Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan.
Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.
Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.
"Well, we both learned a valuable lesson. You learnt that you can expand your horizons and grow. I learnt that if that involves short skirts and boys I'm not gonna like it."
— Richard Castle, Castle
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: You may believe that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where parents, policemen, or nuns are not within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: You may believe that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where parents, policemen, or nuns are not within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
— Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenaged Daughter
...this is a new rule — no boys upstairs, downstairs, anywhere in the house until after the holidays — which includes Christmas, New Year's, Fourth of July, and, for good measure, Groundhog Day.
— Paul Hennessy in the 8 Simple Rules TV show based on those rules
If you have a son, you only have to worry about one swinging dick. But when you have a daughter, then you have to worry about every swinging dick in town.
— Texan Proverb
Takeda: Is this about me dating Jacqui?
Jax (slamming his fists together) You're dating Jacqui?!
Takeda: Real smooth, Takeda...
Jax (slamming his fists together) You're dating Jacqui?!
Takeda: Real smooth, Takeda...
Maurrant: So she's got you headed the same way, has she? Goin' out nights with married men, huh?
Rose: You don't need to worry about me, Pop. I can take care of myself all right.
Maurrant: No daughter o' mine ain't gonna go that way. I seen too many o' those kind around the theayter.
Rose: Things are different nowadays, Pop. I guess maybe you don't realize that. Girls aren't the way they used to be—sort of soft and helpless. A girl nowadays knows how to look out for herself. But not her, Pop; she needs somebody to look after her.
Maurrant: Aw, can all that talk! You been listenin' to them Bolshevikis, that's the trouble. But I'm gonna keep you straight, by God, or I'll know the reason why.
Rose: I guess I've got a right to think about things for myself.
Maurrant: Yeah? Well, don't let me ketch that other bozo comin' around here either—that's all I got to say.
Rose: You don't need to worry about me, Pop. I can take care of myself all right.
Maurrant: No daughter o' mine ain't gonna go that way. I seen too many o' those kind around the theayter.
Rose: Things are different nowadays, Pop. I guess maybe you don't realize that. Girls aren't the way they used to be—sort of soft and helpless. A girl nowadays knows how to look out for herself. But not her, Pop; she needs somebody to look after her.
Maurrant: Aw, can all that talk! You been listenin' to them Bolshevikis, that's the trouble. But I'm gonna keep you straight, by God, or I'll know the reason why.
Rose: I guess I've got a right to think about things for myself.
Maurrant: Yeah? Well, don't let me ketch that other bozo comin' around here either—that's all I got to say.
"Let me ask you something, sir. Wouldn't you have done what I did if you had found your daughter in a man's apartment?"
—O'Neill, to David after laying Don out on the floor, The Moon is Blue
"He'd have been quite justified in killing you. So would I, for that matter. There is no closed season for seducers. The unwritten law protects us fathers... I'll grant that if somebody would write it down, more people would know just where they stand—but the principle's sound. Man has the right to protect his daughter. Duty to protect her."
—David, The Moon is Blue
"Come on in, boy, sit on down, and tell me about yourself
So you like my daughter, do ya, now? Yeah, we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl, her mama's world
She deserves respect, that's what she'll get, ain't it, son?
I'll see when you get back, bet I'll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun"
So you like my daughter, do ya, now? Yeah, we think she's something else
She's her daddy's girl, her mama's world
She deserves respect, that's what she'll get, ain't it, son?
I'll see when you get back, bet I'll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun"
—Rodney Atkins, "Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy)"
Penny: Momma, Daddy, can I go with my friends to the Hip-Hop Helicopter show?
Oscar: No, because I've seen that show and I know that boys will be there.
Trudy: Did you know that there are boys in church too?
Oscar: Fine, she can't go there either.
Oscar: No, because I've seen that show and I know that boys will be there.
Trudy: Did you know that there are boys in church too?
Oscar: Fine, she can't go there either.
I'll tell you what would really age me fast: if I had a teenaged daughter. I don't think I could handle that. Because that would mean that teenaged boys would be coming around to my house. "Hi, Mr. Barry!" they'd say, with their cheerful, innocent young voices. "We're here to have sex with your daughter!"
No, of course they wouldn't come out and say that, but I know that's what they'd be thinking, because I was a teenaged boy once, and I was basically a walking hormone storm. I'm sure modern boys are no different. So if I had a teenaged daughter, and a boy came to my house, after somehow picking his way through the land mines in the lawn, I'd probably lunge through the screen door and strangle him right there ("Hi, Mr. Barry! Is Jennifer heAAAAAAAWWWWK").
You think I'm exaggerating, but I have male friends whose daughters are approaching puberty at speeds upwards of 700 miles per hour, and when you say the word "dating", my friends get a look in their eyes that makes Charles Manson look like Captain Kangaroo.
No, of course they wouldn't come out and say that, but I know that's what they'd be thinking, because I was a teenaged boy once, and I was basically a walking hormone storm. I'm sure modern boys are no different. So if I had a teenaged daughter, and a boy came to my house, after somehow picking his way through the land mines in the lawn, I'd probably lunge through the screen door and strangle him right there ("Hi, Mr. Barry! Is Jennifer heAAAAAAAWWWWK").
You think I'm exaggerating, but I have male friends whose daughters are approaching puberty at speeds upwards of 700 miles per hour, and when you say the word "dating", my friends get a look in their eyes that makes Charles Manson look like Captain Kangaroo.
— Dave Barry Turns 40
"The Jonas Brothers are here; they’re out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: 'predator drones'. You will never see it coming."
— President Barack Obama
Peaches: Okay, so tell me, when exactly will I be allowed to hang out with boys?
Manny: When I'm dead, plus three days. Just to make sure I'm dead.
Manny: When I'm dead, plus three days. Just to make sure I'm dead.
Miyamura: Isn't the daughter's boyfriend usually someone the father hates?
Kyousuke: Why? Isn't that the person my daughter has chosen?
Kyousuke: Why? Isn't that the person my daughter has chosen?
— Horimiya
Just remember these two things: She's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
—President Josiah Bartlet, The West Wing
Nakmor Vorn: Pathfinder, if you don't make it in time, could you give Kesh my love, please?
Nakmor Drack: Don't be stupid, of course we'll make it in - wait, what did you just say?
Nakmor Vorn: Uh-oh. Ooh! I said "love", didn't I?
Nakmor Drack: I'm gonna rescue him, and then I'm gonna kill him!
Nakmor Drack: Don't be stupid, of course we'll make it in - wait, what did you just say?
Nakmor Vorn: Uh-oh. Ooh! I said "love", didn't I?
Nakmor Drack: I'm gonna rescue him, and then I'm gonna kill him!
"I'm already in love with my little girl, and ready to terrorize any of her potential future suitors."
— R.C. on his newborn daughter, Sabrina Online
Batman: Call your boy off, Clark.
Superman: What do you mean, Bruce? What boy?
Batman: Superboy. Tell him to stay away from Batgirl, or else.
Superman: What do you mean, Bruce? What boy?
Batman: Superboy. Tell him to stay away from Batgirl, or else.
Mr. Uraraka: Not many boys are willingly so ready to meet a girl's parents. I don't know if should respect that or be worried he's so forward,
Izuku: F-Forward!?
Ochako: Daddy!!
Mrs. Uraraka: Now dear, you promised you wouldn't be too hard on the young man.
Mr. Uraraka: It's not only my right, but my duty to give any boy my daughter "hangs out with" a hard time.
Izuku: F-Forward!?
Ochako: Daddy!!
Mrs. Uraraka: Now dear, you promised you wouldn't be too hard on the young man.
Mr. Uraraka: It's not only my right, but my duty to give any boy my daughter "hangs out with" a hard time.
Luke: Heading to the roller rink...
Sam: And?
Luke: And we're gonna skate...maybe get some food...healthy food?
Sam: Good choice. I remember picking up Lucy Carmichael on her first date. Her dad was a lumberjack. All I could think about was him chopping down trees.
Luke: You're a doctor, right?
Sam: Surgeon. I cut people open.
Sam: And?
Luke: And we're gonna skate...maybe get some food...healthy food?
Sam: Good choice. I remember picking up Lucy Carmichael on her first date. Her dad was a lumberjack. All I could think about was him chopping down trees.
Luke: You're a doctor, right?
Sam: Surgeon. I cut people open.
Father: Sweetie, I think you're old enough for the sex talk.
Daughter: Okay.
Father: So, I'm sending you to a deserted island in an undisclosed location. votey
Daughter: Okay.
Father: So, I'm sending you to a deserted island in an undisclosed location. votey
Haruka: Hi, I'm Haruka!
Kiryu: Touch her and I'll kill you.
Kiryu: Touch her and I'll kill you.
Her dad be evil, no twin
Skin purp' like the sprite, sippin’
He open his yap and you wouldn’t believe it's the sound of an angel when he spittin’
Even though he look like a demon
Hold my blue nuts as I battle for the taking
Of this girl, I just wanna hold her hand
Look in our DM’s and it’s like candy land
Yo, I really can't bust when her evil ass dad tryna make my ass be grass
So I got one shot, learned to spit real hot, and it might just go like this
Skin purp' like the sprite, sippin’
He open his yap and you wouldn’t believe it's the sound of an angel when he spittin’
Even though he look like a demon
Hold my blue nuts as I battle for the taking
Of this girl, I just wanna hold her hand
Look in our DM’s and it’s like candy land
Yo, I really can't bust when her evil ass dad tryna make my ass be grass
So I got one shot, learned to spit real hot, and it might just go like this
Dad's Anger: I know what you're doing here, Jordan. You don't think that I know what you know, but I know, you little punk!
Dad's Fear: He's not good enough for Riley. No one is!
Dad's Sadness: Go back to jail!
Dad's Anger: What are you looking for, Jordan? Something to steal?
Dad's Sadness: Like our daughter.
Dad's Fear: He's not good enough for Riley. No one is!
Dad's Sadness: Go back to jail!
Dad's Anger: What are you looking for, Jordan? Something to steal?
Dad's Sadness: Like our daughter.
Chris's Father: So, is your top-secret mission going well?
Margit: Yes, sir. All is fine with Frau Chris.
Chris's Father: That is good to hear. Then I will order the stealth fighter in Kawakami airspace to return to base. Continue forth with your valiant mission, Margit. If any man makes a pass on my beloved Chris...
Margit: Then I, captain of the Hounds, will hunt him down.
Chris's Father: Good. If need be, you can have bombers at your disposal.
Margit: Yes, sir. All is fine with Frau Chris.
Chris's Father: That is good to hear. Then I will order the stealth fighter in Kawakami airspace to return to base. Continue forth with your valiant mission, Margit. If any man makes a pass on my beloved Chris...
Margit: Then I, captain of the Hounds, will hunt him down.
Chris's Father: Good. If need be, you can have bombers at your disposal.
When you first come to my home, and see the bone carving over my threshold, try not to imagine your own femurs so expertly carved. Pay no attention to my ample crawl space, my room with a rubber mat and a drain. Be careful to only approach me with love for my daughter. See, I have been seeding her childhood with tap-root hugs to weed out indifference and apathy. There will be no daddy issues for your teenage talons to latch upon. If you break her heart; I will hear it snap with the ear I pressed against her mother’s belly. The elbow I cradled her head in will send a message to my fist. My cheeks are attuned to her lips. I will know if they tremble.
—Jesse Parent, To the Boys Who May One Day Date My Daughter
I know you don't understand, Penny, but one day you will when you have your own children - and yes, I know that day will come. And it's my job, as your father... TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO PREVENT IT! Now you got a choice: you can buy some clothes from the Army/Navy store, or you can join the Army/Navy!
— Oscar Proud, The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder
Keith: Do you think your dad will ever like me?
Cherry: I'm sure he already does! He’s just... protective about things related to me. Both of them are. Well, my mom and dad, I mean, they’re super chill otherwise.
Marcus: [to Reggie] Now listen, Have my daughter home at 10:01. If she ain't home at 10:01, I'm in the car, OK? Locked, loaded and huntin' your motherfucking ass down. Do you hear me?
Mike: [brandishing his gun] And I'ma be with him. And if I'm there, you know what it gonna be, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang nigga.
Theresa: [entering with Megan] Marcus! Oh, Reggie baby, I am so sorry, please forgive Megan's dad and his silly friend!
Marcus: [to Reggie] You a virgin?
Reggie: [nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus: Keep it that way, ain't gonna be no fuckin' tonight!
Mike: [brandishing his gun] And I'ma be with him. And if I'm there, you know what it gonna be, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang nigga.
Theresa: [entering with Megan] Marcus! Oh, Reggie baby, I am so sorry, please forgive Megan's dad and his silly friend!
Marcus: [to Reggie] You a virgin?
Reggie: [nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus: Keep it that way, ain't gonna be no fuckin' tonight!
—Bad Boys II (2003)
Jack: So what if (Greg) took the MCATs? He's still not good enough for Pam.
Dina: Who is, Jack? Nobody has ever been good enough for your Pam. I mean, do you realize that you never even warmed up to Kevin until she broke up with him?
