Diagnosis From Dr. Badass - Television Tropes & Idioms

Related to Informed Self Diagnosis, but occurs when a character diagnoses themselves or someone else, and does so with anatomical accuracy (enumerating the number of bones broken seems the most common route). In most cases, the diagnoser will not have formal medical training, but this is a moot point as characters like Batman probably have as much medical knowledge as any field medic and Superman can see through you. If Sniktbub tells you his claw is in your spleen, you have a damn claw in your spleen.

Usually said in a matter-of-fact/deadpan kind of way even if the damage is or will be catastrophic. When diagnosing themselves, this often results in an Only a Flesh Wound and Major Injury Underreaction moment. When diagnosing others, this almost always leads To the Pain or Gorn.

Examples

Anime & Manga

Kenshiro of Fist of the North Star is famous for this. Nearly every single one of his Finishing Moves has him describing in detail the smack down he laid on a poor Mook (describing which pressure point/s he hit) and what the results will be (exploding heads, uncontrollable body movements, High Pressure Blood).
Spoofed in Slayers where Zelgadis tells the villain how he decided to spare him and used the blunt side of the sword, only to realize that his sword is double-edged.
Rikiya Gaou of Eyeshield21, after he breaks Hiruma's right arm was able to identify exactly what part of the arm he broke, the humerus.
In Bleach, Yumichika can immediately tell after a single punch that Cuulhorne has broken his arm in three different places. He continues fighting anyway.

Live-Action TV

Xena does this often with her death pinch.
Xena: I just cut off the blood flow to your brain. You'll be dead in thirty seconds unless...
Neroon from Babylon 5 in episode "Grey 17 is Missing".
Neroon: I've just broken two of your ribs. (whack!) Sorry, make that three.
Dexter has a moment like this when attacking the abusive father of Astor's friend. He describes how he is hitting internal organs in just the right way to unleash terror.
Dr. McCoy, with a newly-awakened Khan holding a scalpel to his throat, merely tells him that the recommended procedure for a quick kill would be to sever the carotid artery.

Comic Books

Batman does this all the time, both to himself and others.
- In The Dark Knight Returns while fighting the head mutant.
  Batman thinking: A quick one to the nerve cluster in his deltoid. It doesn't hurt him, but no force on Earth could help him move his left arm now.
- In Superman & Batman after getting punched by Superman
  Batman thinking: Sternum's shattered. Bone's broken through skin. Lung punctured for sure.
- In Hush, after getting his line cut, he grabs on to a gargoyle (breaking his shoulder), but it crumbles.
  Batman thinking: My shoulder breaks. First my body betrays me. Then, my city follows suit.
- Grant Morrison commented on this in an interview when he became the main Batman writer:
  I still intend to do 'Miller'-style first person narrative captions which give some insight into Batman's thought processes but it seems more 'realistic' to imagine Batman as a hardcore fightin' man who wouldn't even notice his injuries until long after the fight was over, so no more of that 'MY BACK SPLINTERS INTO A THOUSAND SHARDS OF AGONIZED BONE. HE'S GOOD. HE'S YOUNG. HE'S TOUGHER AND YOUNGER THAN ME. AND TOUGHER. DID I MENTION TOUGHER ? MUSN'T BLACK OUT...'
- Also in Hush, he contemplates what he could do to the Joker.
  Batman thinking: I could crush his windpipe and sever all oxygen from his brain. I could push his ribs right through his lungs and rupture his heart. I could pound his skull into the pavement until it fractured into so many pieces his brain would spill out.
Superman, during his fight with Batman in The Dark Knight Returns.
Superman thinking: Bruce — I just broke three of your ribs.
Superdickery: That's pretty impressive seeing as how he'd just punched him in the crotch.
Dr. Octopus, when recalling his first fight with Spider-Man.
Dr. Octopus: ...with a punch that, by my best estimate, was over twelve hundred foot-pounds. That, Dr. Louis, would be my first case of traumatic brain injury.
- Depending on the interpretation of Ock's origin, his first case would have actually been the explosion that also fused his mechanical arms to his body.
Wolverine, during his fight with She-Hulk in Wolverine vs Hulk.
Wolverine: The first claw just punctured your spleen. It'll bleed but you'll live. The third claw's sticking into your kidney. Good thing you got two. I pop the middle one it goes right through your liver.
- Which, as pointed out on Polite Dissent, is anatomically impossible. Then again, he may have simply been bluffing.
Rorschach does this in Watchmen: "I have just broken this man's little finger. Who killed Edward Blake?"
In Nomad, Lycan says "Did you know that nearly every creature has a brachiocephalic artery carrying blood to the brain, or something similar? And if pressure is applied, causing it to burst, well... Death is instantaneous." Three guesses what he does.
The protagonists in Sin City often explain in gruesome detail how they've been injured or how they're torturing the bad guys. Marv's torture of Kevin is probably the prime example.
In Punisher MAX, Frank Castle provides an internal narration example during a fight with Ax Crazy Pittsy, who shoots him point-blank in the chest with a shotgun.
Punisher: That's a rib gone. Not broken. Gone.
Doctor Mid-Nite would occasionally give very detailed threats of the anatomical damage he could inflict on his enemies. He rarely carried through with them, though.

Film

Marv from Sin City, when he breaks the lawyer's arm in three places.
Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 when she breaks the doc's hand.
Sarah: There are 215 bones in the human body. That's one.
- She's wrong though. There are 206.
In the 2009 film, Sherlock Holmes makes a habit of mentally running through the intended physical effects of a series of precise blows to an opponent, just before he actually makes his attack.
Holmes: First, distract target. Then block his blind jab. Counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. Dazed, he'll attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block and body shot. Block feral left. Weaken right jaw. Now fracture. Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus. Dislocate jaw entirely. Heel kick to diaphragm. In summary, ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken. Diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized.
In the movie Cellular, a kidnapped high-school teacher stabs her kidnapper in the arm with a pair of scissors then tells him "Tenth grade biology. Brachial artery... pumps thirty liters of blood a minute. There's only five in the human body. I'm sorry."
In Punisher: War Zone, Loony Bin Jim, during his fight with Frank Castle in the toilet:
Loony Bin Jim: Blood in the urine, an early indicator of kidney failure.
Loony Bin Jim: You should be seeing double right about now.
Loony Bin Jim: That would be a torn meniscus.
In the 2004 Punisher film, the eponymous character takes a blowtorch to a man's back and describes what he's doing in great detail, including telling him that it's not painful yet because the nerve endings are seared and when the flame's that hot, it actually feels cold. This turns out to be a subversion, as the Punisher is really just swiping a popsicle across the man's back to create the described symptoms, while simultaneously using the blowtorch on a steak to create the smell of charred flesh.

Video Games

Siegfried's win quotes in Soulcalibur III.
Siegfried: I avoided your vitals. You'll live.
- How do you avoid anything with a BFS that big? Especially given that one of his moves features him stabbing his opponent in the head. A two foot wide sword, driven directly into your skull... maybe if it were Voldo.
  - That's ridiculous. Voldo doesn't have vitals!
- Sophitia also has the same quote in III. Both her and Siegfried are Apologetic Attackers, but Sophitia wields a short sword and shield, so her chances of avoiding your vitals are much higher.
Cross Channel: The protagonist Taichi Kurosu displays uncanny medical knowledge at certain points during the game by quickly and effectively diagnosing injuries his friends have received. The "Badass" part of the trope derives from the fact that he also committed mass murder as a child and has a long-standing relationship with an expert kunoichi.

Webcomics

In one chapter of The Adventures of Dr. McNinja, Dr. McNinja actually has to use this to explain to Death why he'll live after being shot multiple times. Subverted when Death doesn't care about his diagnosis, and Dr. McNinja has to beat the snot out of him to go free. Also, he's an actual doctor.

Literature

It's after the fact, but in Iron Fist Doctor Ton Phanan explains that he cut the attacker's throat, severing the carotid artery, with his laser scalpel.

Den of Iniquity

Action Adventure Tropes

Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?

Detachment Combat

Combat Tropes

Diagonal Cut