Literature / We Are Not All Made Of Colour

You've got as much chance of seeing this lot get along as you do of working out which of them are made of colour.

Brielle: Why do you have a sand pit?
Magnum: On Wednesdays I get a dozen or so babes to come over and wrestle in it naked.

We Are Not All Made Of Colour is a 2014 Comic Fantasy novel by Cameron Day.

After losing a game of Call of Duty and throwing his computer out the window, Gwynn Quirke goes out to get a replacement laptop. Unfortunately, he winds up being kidnapped by the twins, Brielle and Christopher Phoenix, and things get even worse soon after when his Implied Love Interest, Elizabeth, is taken to the Realm of Tricks to be sacrificed at their request. Determined to rescue her, Gwynn must navigate a world that runs entirely on the suspension of disbelief, fighting everything from a possessed car to the immortal Dark Mage/Bodybuilder/Entrepreneur, Gorog, all while accompanied by quite possibly the least helpful party he could have asked for.

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Tropes:

• Accidental Pervert: Gwynn Quirke, a couple of times.
  • While trying to explain to Magnum what he meant when he said that Magnum's earlier statement was the "cockiest thing he'd ever heard" despite having worked on a chicken farm in the past:
    "Well what I'm saying is that that is very cocky, because I've been on a chicken farm, so I've seen a lot of cocks."
  • While angry at Brielle for refusing to co-operate after being counter-kidnapped:
    Waitress: Of course sir. Has it been a long day for this lovely lady as well?
    Gwynn: It certainly will be if she keeps misbehaving.
• Accidental Misnaming: Nobody seems to be able to remember Jingles the Jester's name for any longer than a second, instead deciding (seemingly out of nowhere) that his name is Elliot. Then Jingles forgets his name, too. Gwynn's wrath ensues.
• And That's Terrible: "But he did kill my neighbour," Gwynn says sourly. "What a jerk."
• Anime Hair: Gwynn "has wild messy hair that he regularly dyes blue".
• Badass Longcoat: Chris tries to invoke this with his trench coat, but ends up sweaty, exhausted, and - to add insult to injury - gains no extra respect as a result of wearing it.
• Big "NO!": "ELLIOT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
• Black Cloak: Gorog wears a cloak and a skull mask at all times. Lifting the coat causes anyone in the vicinity to die, as 50,000 people learned (the hard way) when a photographer lifted Gorog's robe to take a picture of his leg, and the entire venue exploded.
• Blatant Lies:
  • Magnum has these in abundance.
    "So there was once this guy named Aristotle. He was a Philosophile. Now, he was Socrates' father, and Socrates used to play wild pranks all over Persia..."
    "I majored in Philology. Graduated with a first."
  • Unsurprisingly, the Trick Master does this a lot, too.
• Breaking the Fourth Wall: 'I never finished your autobiography, Gorog, it was as poorly written as this book is.'
• Damsel in Distress: Elizabeth's role in the novel is this. Or is it?
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: At the end of the novel, Brielle uses Gorog's ashes to strip The Trick Master - an all-powerful being with literally infinite power - of his magic, then punches him to death.
• Did You Just Scam Cthulhu?: Gwynn's method of defeating Gorog is to demand that he admit to being mortal. Gorog does, and in that moment all 360,000 years of his long life "catch up to him and reduce him to dust in the blink of an eye."
• Dying Moment of Awesome: How Chris dies at the novel's climax. After shutting down The Trick Master's powers for long enough to let everyone else to escape, he lets his guard down and gives his permission to be killed, but not before warning that Brielle will be back to take revenge.
• Finishing Stomp: Magnum does this to Mr Crashmebikelateron at the end of Act One.
• Haunted Technology: Gwynn is hit by a car with no driver in it. He quickly works out that it's been possessed by the spirit of his neighbour, Mr Crashmebikelateron.
• Hostile Show Takeover: At two dramatic and important points in the last chapter of Act One, the narrative is interrupted by an inane and completely unrelated advert. One is about a threadworm-killing medicine called WORMKILLER TSX which, from reading the randomly selected testimonials, appears not to work, and the other advert promotes Gorog's "Macronutrient Mega Weight Gainer Diet", the premise of which is that anyone following it consumes 400,000 calories a day. There's a third interruption later, but this time it isn't an advert: it's a broadcast from aliens instead, the sole purpose of which is to insult the reader, and humanity as a whole...
  "And understand this: if the civilized species of the 55 Cancri planetary system see that the human race is venturing too close to a solution to its problems, we will haze your planet and leave no survivors. We would dance and laugh on your celestial grave. Our ancestors would tell of your demise for generations. Does that upset you? Good."
• Insane Troll Logic:
  "It has to be true." Chris coolly waves Gwynn's suspicions away with a casual swipe of his hand. "The book had citations. Citations reference articles. Those articles had images. The images were photographs. Photographs are evidence. Evidence is factual. Facts are true. Therefore, The Trick Master is telling the truth."
• Large Ham: Magnum Brunel is this all over. Arrogant, handsome, strong, and quick to violence, Magnum often threatens to outshine Gwynn when on-page with his ridiculous behaviour, his eagerness to antagonise everyone regardless of whose side they're on, and his seemingly endless repository of Blatant Lies. Magnum even turns out to be responsible for turning Chubs' manuscript into We Are Not All Made Of Colour as we know it, and assures the reader that everything he writes is true because "somebody this handsome doesn't need to lie".
• Might Makes Right: This is how Magnum asserts that Aristotle is Socrates' father and gets away with it, although he never physically threatens anybody. We can also assume this is how he got whatever grade he wanted at school, and how he got whatever toy he wanted as a kid...
• Neck Lift: The characters of We Are Not All Made Of Colour like to do this to each other a lot.
  • Gwynn to Terrell when trying to locate Magnum. It doesn't help, since this leaves Terrell unable to speak.
  • Magnum to Gwynn after Mr Crashmebikelateron crashes into Magnum's house. Luckily for Gwynn, Brielle is able to defuse the situation before it escalates further.
  • The Victimizer - a living weapon - to Gwynn after he outstays his welcome. Surprisingly, Gwynn actually gets out of this grip and succeeds in punching the Victimizer to pieces.
• Oddly Named Sequel 2: Electric Boogaloo: One chapter is entitled Gorog's Island. The next? Gorog's Island 2: Gorog Harder.
• Rage Breaking Point: For Gwynn, this happens after he watches Jingles the Jester check his pockets for money one too many times.
• Save the Princess: The "driving force" behind Gwynn's quest, and therefore the plot of the book.
• The Team: Gwynn, Magnum, Chris and Brielle enter the Realm of Tricks, and the second act of the novel, together as a team, although not a close-knit or happy one by any means. Brielle and Chris join Gwynn because otherwise he'll continue to chase them indefinitely, and Magnum tags along because his house is ruined.
  • The Leader: Gwynn.
  • The Lancer: Chris.
  • The Big Guy: Magnum (of course).
  • The Heart: Brielle.

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