Just For Fun: Quantum Mariah Carey Problem
The Quantum Mariah Carey Problem is simple: if you put Mariah Carey into an equation, what would her value be? This seemed like a Just for Fun question until it became a non-trivial problem when Mariah Carey "emancipated" by squaring herself. She came out with an album called E=MC2 in 2008. She claims it stands for "(E) Emancipation (=) equals (MC) Mariah Carey to the second power." For purposes of this discussion it is assumed she meant to call it E=(MC)2, since squaring just the Carey part would be silly. Without knowing the quantitative value of Mariah Carey (Q) we cannot know what her bringing herself to the second power accomplished. Did it increase her, decrease her, or have no change? The question has now become a vital key to understanding the consequences of her changed Q-value and navigating past the resulting singularity. The most likely hypothesized outcome is that there was no change in her value due to Q-values of 1 or 0. 1 is thought to be a likely Q-value due to Mariah Carey being, based on all known evidence, a single person. The result Q=0 is supported by two arguments, one, put forward by the Irrelevantist school is that assigning numeric values to human beings is irrelevant and/or stupid so 0 is the only coherent solution. The other, favored by the Mariah Sucks school, is that Q=0 on the grounds that she has 0 talent. While Q values of 1 and 0 are interchangeable here, they become distinct if Mariah Carey is able to perform some other function on her self such as multiplication or a logarithm where the distinction is non-trivial. 0<Q<1 is in many ways the least frightening Q-value as it leads to a contraction of Mariah Carey. Sadly, hypotheses for this outcome are sketchy at best. The best being that Mariah Carey's career, especially its amazing ability to rebound from such debacles as Glitter, imply she has made some sort of deal with a satanic power or possibly a member of the House of The 1000 Year Night for a portion of her soul, thus lowering her Q-value. Most who deal with this problem think this is patently ridiculous and it is most strongly opposed by those in the Dualist school. Q>1 is the most frightening of all solutions as it implies that Mariah Carey has increased her Q-value and those unknown consequences (known as the Mariah Carey Singularity) are completely unpredictable. The main hypotheses for this solution are as follows.
- The Talent school suggest that because Mariah Carey is so awesome, she must have a Q-value higher than those of regular people. This presupposes that people normally have a Q-value of 1, but this is not necessary, as the next hypothesis shows. Supporters of this hypothesis in general fervently oppose the Mariah Sucks camp.
The Fanboy school has a similar argument but based on hotness instead of talent. Supporters of this hypothesis in general watch her music videos over and over, so don't have time to oppose anyone.
- The Dualist school believe all people have Q-values greater than 1 due to the human soul having its own additional Q-value. Generally assumed to be equal to the personal Q-value leading to an aggregated Q-value (AQ-value) of 2, though AQ-values of 3 or greater are not ruled out.
- The Autoquantizing school believe that one's Q-value is directly related to what one thinks their own Q-value should be, thus those with high self- worth would have higher Q-values than those who don't. The Celebrity Corollary states that Mariah Carey, as a famous person would thus have a higher than average Q-value, which presumably would lead to the solution Q>1.
- It is possible that squaring only the C is correct, if she secretly married someone else named Carey and became Mariah Carey-Carey. If that is the case, then the rest of this article is meaningless mathematical wank. However, the equation becomes E=M(C2)? E=MC^2 in turn means Emancipation= Mariah Carey CArey CaRey CarEy CareY (that's just representative, since you can't properly write in acrostic here). Unless it's like squaring a fraction, where the MC is to be taken as two parts of a whole... Lets just burn the disc covers and rewrite all the labels, mmmkay? It would be easier and less mentally torturous.
- In Matlab syntax, and probably in a whole bunch of other mathematical software, any string of letters and certain other characters counts as a single variable. If you type "mc^2" in Matlab, they will assume you mean exactly what Mariah Carey intended: mc to the second power. Unless you write it out properly, since MC is a shorthand notation of (M×C). This of course raises the question — is Mariah Carey equal to the multiplication of her two names?
- To begin, let's assume that E=(x*0), then E=0 and so either (MC)^2=0 or M(C^2)=0 1 2 3
- Next, Let's assume that E=(x^0), then E=1, meaning either (MC)^2=1 or M(C^2)=1. In the first case, that means that MC=1. However, since E=1 for all x, that means that (Mariah Carey)=(Anything Else). This supports a very Egalitarian point of view.
The first case could also mean that MC=-1. Would that make her a Nobody or just evil? If the latter, this leads to the theory that a person can be either entirely good or entirely evil.
In the second case, that means that M(C^2)=1, therefore, Mariah=1/(Carey^2) suggesting she is the inverse of her family raised to the second power. What exactly this means is open to interpretation.