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So You Want To Be A Wizard?
- "Fred here has a small problem." "I wish I had problems like that." (After Fred accidentally hiccups about six giant star sapphires onto Tom and Carl's kitchen table.)
- Completely unexpected and out of the blue: Do I throw money on your living room floor? after Kit drops a penny into the koi pond.
- "Go ahead! Panic!" screamed Picchu from somewhere in the background. "Do it now and avoid the June rush!"
- "He (Tom) would doubtless have gone on with more of the same if someone else, farther away from his end of the line, hadn't begun screaming, Hel-LOOOOOOO! HEL-lo! in a creaky, high-pitched voice that sounded as if Tom were keeping his insane grandmother chained up in the living room."
- "Then what are you doing? Sometimes you say to me 'playing', but I don't know what kids mean anymore when they say that. When I was little, it was hopscotch, or Chinese jump rope, or games in the dirt with plastic animals. Now when I ask Dairine what she's doing, and she says, 'Playing,' I go in and find she's doing quadratic equations... or using my hot curlers on the neighbor's red setter."
- At the beginning, when Nita's mom and dad are trying to set up their computer.
"Kit, you wanna see a disaster?"
- You know, Neets, I don't often hear you think lately, but if your dad had just heard what you thought, he'd have washed your head out with soap!
- Nita suggests to Kit that they do something about Nita's sister Dairine. Kit responds with "It's a little late for birth control."
A Wizard Abroad
Nita: "What I really need right now in terms of energy is a chocolate bar - but the only thing I've got left in my pack is a cat. And I can't eat that. Too many bones."
Kit: "Uh, Annie, your cat just went up the chimney!"
Dairine: "No, I will not move your planet! What do you want to move it for? It's fine right where it is!"
A Wizard's Dilemma
- Despite being horribly depressing, A Wizard's Dilemma does have some very funny bits.
She opened her eyes again to find Dairine staring at her as if she were something from Mars. Actually, Dairine had stared at things from Mars with a lot less astonishment.
A Wizard Alone
- Kit attempting to talk the DVD player and remote control into agreement at the beginning of A Wizard Alone.
“Come on, you guys,” he said in the Speech. “All I’m asking for here is a little cooperation–”“No surrender!” shouted the remote.“Death before dishonor!” shouted the DVD player.
- A Wizard Alone is pretty sad, especially after the big depress-fest which was A Wizard's Dilemma, but Dairine, although depressed, still manages to be hilarious.
I wish I knew what alien force had kidnapped my sister and left this vindictive thug of a pod person in her place. Because when I find out, I’m going to hunt it down and kick however many rear ends it has from here to Alphecca!
Dairine: “Where’s my bed?!”Nita: “It’s on Pluto. On the winter side.”
- The reason for that? Nita just put her bed on Pluto.
- The Lone Power's favorite tool, entropy, had already struck locally: His cornflakes had gone soggy.
- Any time Carl attempts to fix the plumbing, or the electricity, or anything in the house.
"Carl came up from the basement with a very large roll of duct tape.'Ah,' Tom said. 'The substance that binds the universe together.''We'll see,' Carl said, and bent himself over sideways again.'It's a brute force solution,' Tom said. 'Inelegant. The phone's right there!!' "
Kit: “It’s real basic, Mama. Boy meets girl, meets thing, meets other thing. Boy loses girl, loses other thing, finds thing. Boy loses thing, gets girl, loses thing. Happily ever after…”Kit's mom: “‘Basic,’ you said?”Kit: “Old, old story, Mama. You should see some of these guys’ literature. Shakespeare would have loved it….Just imagine A Midsummer Night's Dream with twelve extra genders…”
- The sheer irony of Urruah's statement. It was funny in the first place, but . . . "Try not to destroy your host civilization or anything."
Carmela: "What's that you're doing?"Kit: "Just a wizardry. I’m playing with the speed of light.”Carmela: “I thought that was supposed to be a law. You shouldn’t break laws.”Kit: “I’m not. I’m not even bending this one. Just bending space.”Carmela: “For the fun of it. You make my brains bleed sometimes, you know that?”Kit: “Not half as much as I wish I did.”
Wizards At War
Wizards At War, despite being about... war, contains some very quotable funny moments.
- Nita: Forgive me if I take a moment to see where the people who were shooting at us are now.
Carmela: Now, here I am having some quality smooch time with my favorite doggie and you’re just standing there ruining it. Bear with me while I ask one of these nice people for a spell or something to destroy you with. Filif! Would you destroy Kit for me, please? You’re such a honey. Thanks.
- We are about to set a weirdness baseline the likes of which this planet's never seen.
Roshaun: Kings are made no less noble by eating. Rather, they ennoble what they eat.Nita: Wow, who sold you that one? *grin* I think I'll go ennoble a couple of waffles.
Harry: How many are we having for dinner tonight?Dairine: The usual. Three humans, one humanoid, one tree, one giant bug -Sker'ret: Who are you calling a bug?Roshaun: And who are you calling a humanoid? I'm the human. You're the humanoids -
Kit: What is grenfelzing, exactly?Carmela: It's kind of like emmfozing, but with chocolate.
Roshaun: “To what land of your world is such raiment native?” (Roshaun)Dairine: “Possibly Oz, but I doubt the Good Witch of the North is going to come after me for stealing her look.”Roshaun: "What do your people usually wear when meeting your leaders?"Dairine: "If we've got any guts at all, a real annoyed expression,"Dairine: “You alright? Besides your injured dignity, I mean.”Roshaun: “There’s something odd about the primary’s flare pattern.”Dairine: Wouldn’t be surprised, I chucked a black hole into it.”Roshaun: “Stars in your neighborhood seem to have a rough time of it.”Dairine: “If ours acts weird, talk to Nita. First time it went out was on her watch.”
Ronan: "I'm lying on an effing Star Wars bedspread. Will I ever be able to look myself in the eye again?"
Kit: “Am I allowed to think about teleporting her to Titan and dumping her in a lake of liquid methane?”Nita: “No. It’d upset those microbes there…the one’s Dairine’s been coaching in situational ethics.”Kit: “The thought of Dairine coaching anybody in ethics…”
- Kit is led to believe that his sister has become a wizard because she told him that she "found the manual," which he takes to mean the manual that every wizard finds and must swear an oath from. When she keeps going on about how great and fun being a wizard must be, he finally snaps and demands that she read the first page of the manual, which she does: "in compliance with FCC regulation, part 15, section 209(c), which states that any unwanted RF emissions from an intentional radiator shall not exceed the—"
Carmela: "I said I found the manual. For the TV."
A Wizard Of Mars
A Wizard Of Mars had a lot of funny moments, too, mostly thanks to the pure awesome that is the Kit-Darryl-Ronan bromance triangle.
- Tom reached down among the plants, pushed green leaves aside, and sighed. "Guys, how many times do we have to go over this?" He picked something up, looked at it. It was a slug. He shook his head and tossed it off to one side, into another leafy bed. "Those are your strawberries" - fling - "over there! These are my strawberries" - fling - "over here!"
Nita: I'm getting trash talked by fish. Something's wrong with this picture.
Nita: You look like a Jedi knight who lost the bathrobe's belt.Dairine: I live for your fashion bulletins.
- Why are Spirit and Opportunity still going? Wizards with air dusters.
Carmela: "Whatever. At least she'll have fun with the vampires!"Nita: "No vampires. Some undead, yeah, and some confused Goth wannabes. But there haven't been real turn-into-a-bat-and-flap-around vampires since 1652."Carmela: "Really? What happened in 1652?"Nita: "Some other time, okay?"
- "You have turned Mars into New Jersey!"
Book of Night With Moon
- Urruah sharpening his claws on the World Tree. That takes balls.
Not On MY Patch
- The whole thing, starting with the rancid pun of the title...
Ronan: "That's never a peanut."Nita: "It's just supposed to sort of look like one. It's marshmallow, too."Ronan: "This thing's hard. A Styrofoam peanut, that it might be."Ronan: (after eating it) "And why's it taste like bananas? You people are unwell."
- Nita negotiating with her pumpkin about how it feels about being carved.
- Kit and his fake mustache.
- Ronan meeting (and mocking) Peeps and Circus Peanuts.
Ronan: "Hurry up and come on, or (Dairine)'s gonna get ahead of you and raid your bags for all the chocolate."Kit: (a few seconds later) "Tell her she can have it."
- Nita nicknaming the pumpkin, and Kit immediately pointing out what tends to happen to entities they nickname.
- Dairine having a full-out freakout about the threat-of-the-week, even though she's dressed as a Jedi Padawan, complete with functional lightsabre, and then having another one when Ronan explains what they're made of, calling in so many words for Brain Bleach.
- Nita's "Last warning, you guys... I've got a pumpkin, and I'm not afraid to use it! (Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome, for the pumpkin in question.)
- The Brick Joke that follows, courtesy of Ronan's continued Deconstruction of Halloween traditions.
- Carl showing up, in costume as a ghoul, with Battle Aura flowing off him, only to find out he just missed the fight.
- Nita grabs Kit, gets rid of the fake mustache, and "(pulls) him close in the dark", when Ronan attempts to spoil the moment:
- Any of Carmela and Kit's interactions, especially after A Wizard's Holiday.
- When the TV tries to 'meditate' and then to 'evolve'. And then the millions of wizardly channels that suddenly appear on cable. And Carmela's grenfelzing.