Funny / The Vicar of Dibley

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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• "It Should Have Been Me!!!" Geraldine, believing Harry is in love with another woman, has a dream where she interrupts their wedding with a performance of the song with backup dancing from the men of the parish council. On her way out of the church she punches the bride and then doubles back to punch Harry too.
• At Hugo and Alice's wedding, a woman shows up to interrupt the ceremony at a crucial moment, claiming that "the groom is already married". Turns out she came to the wrong church. The best part is the stunned look on everyone's faces during her annountment and then afterward their expressions as they recover from the tense moment. As well as Hugo pulling Alice off the floor.
• Alice reading aloud from an old Bible that uses ſ, and (of course) pronouncing it as f. Cue Geraldine very firmly heading her off before she gets to the word "succour".
  Alice: And he shall be thy...ffuu—
  Geraldine: 'Succour!'
• Geraldine's initial reaction to Harry's proposal of marriage.
• In "The Easter Bunny", Letitia's Last Request is for Geraldine to take up her mantle of the Easter Bunny, taking chocolate eggs around the village each Easter. However, it turns out that Letitia asked David to do the same. And every other member of the Parish Council too, in fact.
  Owen: Oh, hell. Any more and we'll be able to stage a production of bloody Watership Down.
• "Sorry I'm late. Sheep exploded."
• In "Radio Dibley", David calls Geraldine's phone to insult Alice and everybody else, unaware that the call is being broadcast live on Dibley Radio. Geraldine then gives up trying to tell him that they're live, and proceeds to trick him into talking about his haemorrhoids - before revealing that they're on radio. At this point, David makes a pathetic attempt to pass himself off as celebrity impersonator Rory Bremner. It works (at least on Owen).
• "OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST KISS, YOU MORONS!"
• Hugo tells Geraldine he can't tell her what precisely his father said when told about Hugo's relationship with Alice. He chooses the word 'duck' to replace the offending word.
  Hugo: He asked me what the duck I was playing at, said he didn't give a flying duck if I ducking loved Alice ducking Tinker, and if I ducking kissed her again, he'd make sure I was well and truly ducked.
  Geraldine: Ah, duck me.
• And later, her silent "yeeeeeees!" gesture after Hugo refuses his father's ultimatum.
• "No-no-no-no-no-no-Knowing me, no-no-no-no-no-no-knowing you... a-hah..."
• Simon and Geraldine's Falling-in-Love Montage, which shows Geraldine climbing onto a picnic basket to kiss Simon and Geraldine famously jumping into a puddle that actually turns out to be a deep pool.
• David's performances as King Herod in the nativity play. Starting from his belief that Herod was unfairly demonised, he delivers the line "Kill all the children in Bethlehem. But kill them gently!", then starts handing out sweets to the children in the audience (which causes one child to say "I love you Herod"), and then when Alice (playing Mary) goes into labour, a few people wonder about the wisdom of Herod assisting with the birth.
• When Frank suggests that as the Wise Men they ought to be helping, Jim counters that they are the Kings—and "most kings are braindead, inbred cretins."
• Geraldine's rant at the parish council after Simon dumps her, some of which is drowned out by loud drilling from outside.
  Geraldine: I'll tell you what I want, Jim. I want to find one man on Earth who isn't the spawn of Satan.
  David: Oh, good heavens, really.
  Geraldine: And you can shut it too, egghead. You're all the same, aren't you? You're just a bunch of [DRILLING] who should be lined up and force-fed Winalot up your nose 'til you die. Which is actually what I'd like to do to your oh-so charming brother, who seems to keep his brains in his [DRILLING] which, frankly, is the size of a button mushroom.
• After accepting an unexpected marriage proposal from David, Geraldine experiences a Dream Sequence of their wedding. David wears a pink suit, Geraldine and Alice wear chocolate bars in their hair and then Sean Bean crashes the ceremony.
  Sean Bean: No! Don't do it Geraldine! It's me you love, not him!
• Alice's theory about I Can't Believe It's Not Butter: "I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe they both might be butter, in a cunning disguise. And in fact there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was."
• Hugo and Alice make everyone speak by signboard while Baby Geraldine is asleep. Frank inquires if anyone saw Eastenders last night. Jim's board reads "NO NO NO NO NO"... and then he flips it over to "YES".
• The following exchange:
  Alice: I've been thinking...
  Geraldine: Always a bad thing.
  Alice: You know how Jesus married Mary Magdalene, and their descendants are hidden in these Da Vinci Codes?
  Geraldine: Ooh, I've got a bad feeling I know where this is going...
  Alice: And you know how Mary Magdalene is the "chalice" for Jesus's seed?
  Geraldine: Ooooh, I was right...
  Alice: Well, it's so obvious. What sort of name rhymes with "Alice"?
  Geraldine: So... let me get this straight. You, Alice, believe that you are the direct descendant of Jesus Christ.
  Alice: It's the only answer if you look at all the facts. I mean, why else have I had so many children?
  Geraldine: Because you don't know how condoms work!
• Every man Geraldine knows turns up on her doorstep begging her to marry him instead of Harry the night before her wedding.
• Geraldine gets an old (boy)friend from the seminary to officiate her wedding... not realizing he's still in love with her until it's too late. When begging doesn't work, and interposing his own name in the vows doesn't, he gets really passive-aggressive during the ceremony....
  "Let him speak now or forever hold your peace... [Long pause] Anyone?
  "And now, with the giving and receiving of a frankly pretty cheap ring...."
• It is a testament to how insane the village is when the winning Dibley carol is Jim's "Praise the Lord, He's coming down the birth canal!". And it is actually performed by the church choir. "Look, the Madonna is fuuuuuully dilaaated!"
  • The other songs deserve a mention, like Owen's entry:
    "Jesus was born on Christmas day
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    But he never got his end away
    Hallelujah."
  • And Frank's entry, which has 108 verses, one of which presumably sets the tone for what he considers a controversial thesis:
    "Praise the lord
    But hold on to your hat
    Jesus Christ was born a cat."
• Alice and Hugo decide that a good birthday present for Geraldine is a baby... so they're going to lend her Hugo's seed. Given that she's a Braveheart fan, he turns up in a kilt—and just in case Hugo doesn't get her in the mood, Owen, Jim, and Frank arrive as the reserve team.
• Every member of the Council (barring Geraldine and David) believing that Margaret Thatcher is still Prime Minister and being rather suspicious when told otherwise.
  Dear Tony Blair and/or Margaret Thatcher... delete as appropriate....
• The entire discussion about replacing the stained glass window in the church, due mainly to the fact that no one could remember or identify what the picture in the old window was. The suggestions get more and more outlandish, in particular when someone suggests that the picture had both Moses and St. Barnabus of Wolverhampton, leading Geraldine to tell them they're getting "close to the outskirts of Looney Land here." It culminates in David saying that it was the Sermon on the Mount, to which Hugo adds that it showed Jesus delivering it from a boat. Or possibly an enormous boat-shaped cigar. "Ding ding ding, everybody off, Looney Land City Centre!" For the record, it was Noah's Ark, so Hugo was at least right about the boat.
  “St Barnabus went into the library in Wolverhampton...”
• Geraldine asking for suggestions from the children of animals for the window.
  Geraldine: What about birds? Any birds?
  Girl: Samantha Fox, Miss! My dad says she’s the sexiest bird in the whole world, and he’d like to giver her one, Miss!
  George: My dad would like to give YOU one, Miss!
  Geraldine: George, shush! ... Who is your dad?
• Geraldine's drunken attempts to come up with a good enough excuse to keep Owen from marrying her.
  Geraldine: Owen, I would love to marry you, but I'm already married... to Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
  Geraldine: Owen, I would love to marry you, but... I'm not the woman for you. In fact, I'm not a woman at all. I'm one of the lobster people from planet Neptune.
• In the first of the 2020 Lockdown shorts, Geraldine tries to inform Jim that when he sees a sign telling him to stay 2m away from other people, the 'm' stands for metres, not miles - then admits that he probably isn't watching her video as he's been hiding in the woods for two weeks.

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