- The TLC references.
- The really quiet fight scene.
- The song filled with rich history.
- Gamble and Hoitz getting bribed.
- The grandma sex talk.
- The Gator song.
- Mark Wahlberg's utterly straight-faced ballet dancing has to be seen to be believed.
- Allen's explanation as to why tuna would win against lions in a war.
Allen: ...We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family, and we would corner your... your pride, your children, your offspring...
Terry: How would you do that?
Allen: We would construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp, we will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem! That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen and then stalk you.
- After Allen wins this argument, Terry's response is to throw his hot coffee on his shirt before storming out.
- Gamble's first "desk pop."
- Danson and Highsmith hitting the pavement was pretty funny, right?
"There goes my hero, watch him as he goes! There goes m-" *SPLAT!*
- "Aim for the bushes..."
- It doesn't get any funnier than a heroic scene between The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson jumping off a building pursuing villains to a Foo Fighters song... ending in both of them immediately fucking dying.
- "Aim for the bushes..."
- Hoitz and Gamble lying on the ground after the explosion at the accounting firm. "How do they walk away? I call bullshit on that!"
- "ARE YOU A BIG MAN? HUH? I'M TALKIN' TO YOU! DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SAY 'I'M PUTTIN' ON MY BIG BOY PANTS'? LOOK, I'M WEARIN' A BELT! I GOT BIG BOY PANTS ON!" "You're scaring the shit out of me, man, stop it!"
- "I CAN SAY BIG LOUD THINGS! I CAN BE DEMONSTRATIVE!"
- "IS THIS HOW YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF? IN A DEMOCRACY?"
- The helicopter being taken down by golf balls.
- "Good cop/bad cop? Oh...I thought you said bad cop/bad cop."
- The "Bed Bath and Beyond" scene. Notable in that there was a featurette made about it ("Bed Bath and Way Beyond") during which the director said there was nearly half an hour's worth of material that Michael Keaton improvised that they could have used. Some notable alternate takes include:
"Please. Stop talking about your near death experience on the Staten Island Ferry, okay? That white light shit, that scares people. That's not what the 'Beyond' means. It's 'Bed, Bath and Beyond', not 'Bed, Bath and I saw a light and my mom came back, screaming at me to clean my room' and that shit. Don't do that.""People know how loofahs work, Tony. Don't unwrap the thing, clean your back off and go 'See?' and then try to sell the thing to the guy!""Kristin. Bath towels. When you're displaying the bath towels - I don't care how big they are, I don't care if they're the big shower kind - you've been taking your top off. Okay? Don't do that. I don't mean to point you out, but just don't do it. Just keep your clothes on and say 'See how big they are?' You don't have to go 'See how big they are?' The size refers to the towels.""Votive candles. The scented ones. Okay? They're just for light and a little bit of scent. I'm not going to point to who it was, but somebody was putting the hot wax on their nipples.""By the way, if somebody comes in who even looks remotely like a gangbanger, don't sell 'em knives! Just don't do it."
- The other officers chewing out Holtz for shooting Derek Jeter:
"HE IS A BI-RACIAL ANGEL!"
- The narrator's summation of Danson and Highsmith's deaths.
"I don't know, but that shit was crazy. "