Funny / Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

• "Have a Break, Take a Husband" is one of the series' funniest half-hours as Frank and Betty's second honeymoon weekend in a seaside B&B goes horribly, hilariously wrong.
  • On the one hand, we have the slow-motion toppling of Disaster Dominoes in Frank and Betty's room. Frank, already having caused hotelier Mr Bedford to suspect that he and Betty are not really married by needing to be reminded that the booking is for Mr and Mrs Spencer, decides that rather than ask for a room with a double bed instead of the room with twin beds they've been given, he'll just push the beds together. The bed snags on the cheap linoleum and tears a hole in it, and things get steadily worse from there...
    • Frank tries covering the hole with a floor mat, but finds a second hole in the linoleum underneath, and when he grabs a second mat from under the wardrobe, he accidentally tears it in half. So he decides to cut a rectangular segment out of the linoleum and pull the rest towards the bed, then cover the exposed floorboards with the wardrobe. After asking Betty if she has a lino knife (silly her, she says, she forgot to pack it), he decides to go downstairs in search of one:
      Frank: Now, don't do anything while I'm gone!
      Betty: Well, I can hardly start without you, can I?
      Frank: [scandalised] Don't say things like that!
    • While he is looking for a knife, Frank is surprised in the bar by Mr Bedford and covers by ordering a double brandy, then further rouses Mr Bedford's suspicions about him by asking if he can join him behind the bar (claiming to feel exposed in his pyjamas and trenchcoat). He rummages under the bar while Mr Bedford isn't looking and ends up grabbing a whisk by mistake before finding the knife. Then, as he leaves...
      Mr Bedford: [writing on a bill] That's one double brandy... 60p.^note  About £7.30 in 2020.
      Frank: Well, that's very nice, but you must let me get you one tomorrow night!
    • Unfortunately for Frank and Betty, the floorboards on which Frank plans to put the wardrobe are damp and rotten, and the wardrobe starts sinking into them when they move it. He decides to break apart one of the drawers from the dressing table and put the wood under the wardrobe to support it, but when bashing it against the bedside table succeeds only in knocking a picture off the wall, he goes downstairs again in search of a hammer. This time, he has to hide behind the bar from Mr Bedford, who is preparing a late night snack of bread, cheese, and a bottle of beer. He grabs behind the bar for the beer and Frank accidentally hands him the hammer, then when he reaches over again, Frank swaps the hammer for the bottle. Mr Bedford just shrugs it off.
    • Frank's idea fails utterly when the wardrobe falls over forward, smashing a hole in the floor and startling Mr Bedford into spilling his beer all over his shirt; Frank compounds the damage by accidentally breaking one of the wardrobe doors off its hinges. Then Mr Bedford shows up demanding answers, and Frank initially holds up the wardrobe door and hides behind it. He finally gives in to Betty's pleas to answer the door:
      Mr Bedford: Excuse me, sir. What exactly is going on?
      Frank: Oooh... I fell out of bed!
      Mr Bedford: [gestures to his beer-soaked clothes] Well, look what you've made me do! [storms off]
      Frank: Oooh! [re-enters the room]
      Betty: What's he saying?
      Frank: We made him wet his trousers!
  • And on the other hand, there's the only other guest: camp, eccentric spiritualist Kenny, whose exchanges with Mr Bedford are comedy gold.
    • Betty wants to cut her and Frank's losses and leave, but Frank says he's paid for the room ("Paid for it!? You'll have to buy it!" Betty exclaims) and decides to swap their broken wardrobe for one in an empty room across the landing, doing likewise with a bedspread he soiled after using it to wrap part of the drawer. But Kenny nearly catches them in the act, so Frank hides in the wardrobe on the landing. Kenny initially shrugs it off... until Frank staggers about, making it look as though the wardrobe is following Kenny around. Thus begins a Running Gag of Kenny screaming "Mr Bedford! Mr Bedford!" to the latter's rapidly waning patience. When the door to the empty room closes and locks before Frank and Betty can put the wardrobe in it, they decide to take Kenny's wardrobe and bedspread instead, but don't have time to put the broken wardrobe in his room, so it's still outside when Kenny returns with Mr Bedford...
      Kenny: It's moved again! [points to Frank and Betty's room] It was outside that door, now it's outside mine! It seems to be trying to get into my room! That's funny, isn't it?
      Mr Bedford: Well, i-it's, er, it's not your wardrobe, then, is it?
      Kenny: No!
      Mr Bedford: Ah. [knocks on Frank and Betty's door; Frank opens it just enough to look through the gap] Er, excuse me, sir, er - have you got a wardrobe?
      Frank: Yes, thank you! [closes the door]
      Kenny: Look, the door's broken!
      Mr Bedford: Yes, well, I can see it's broken.
      Kenny: Well, you can't leave it there, anything could happen!
      Mr Bedford: Oh, very well, well, we'll just have to put it in the spare room, [unlocks and opens the door] and sort it all out in the morning. That is, if we're still here.
      Kenny: Well, I'm not going anywhere!
      Mr Bedford: [carrying the wardrobe into the spare room] No, but I might be!
    • No sooner has Mr Bedford steered Kenny into his room than he notices his wardrobe is missing, sparking another cry of "Mr Bedford! Mr Bedford!" and revealing something about his beliefs:
      Kenny: [catching Mr Bedford at the top of the stairs] Mr Bedford, the wardrobe's gone!
      Mr Bedford: [smiling, as though addressing a young child] Yes, we've just put it in the spare room, haven't we!
      Kenny: But that wasn't mine, that was the funny one!
      Mr Bedford: [glaring at Kenny] There are no funny wardrobes in this hotel, sir! Only funny people! [glances toward Frank and Betty's door]
      Kenny: Well, where's mine gone to, then?
      Mr Bedford: [impatiently] Well, it didn't come past me!
      Kenny: How am I going to get to sleep?
      Mr Bedford: Well, you don't sleep in a wardrobe, do you, sir?
      Kenny: Well, I want to know where it is, though, don't I, I don't want to have to lie awake all night worrying about it, wouldn't you worry if your wardrobe walked out? [runs back into his room and stands in the empty space] Look, this is the spot, this is where it stood! [suddenly stiffens] I say... you don't think it's got something to do with the other side, do you?
      Mr Bedford: The other side of what, sir?
      Kenny: The spirits! My grandfather always said he would try and come back to me.
      Mr Bedford: [deadpan] What, in a wardrobe?
      Kenny: He never said anything about a wardrobe... perhaps that's the only way he could... manage it... [looks nervously skyward]
    • Frank discovers Kenny's suit and hat in the wardrobe (contradicting his justification for taking it by saying Kenny wasn't using it), so he leaves them on the floor outside his room and knocks on the door. Kenny, who is reading Psychic News, initially looks at the ceiling, but then realises where the knocking is coming from and is gobsmacked to see his clothes lying on the floor, sparking him into asking "Is there anybody there?... Have you got a message for me?..."
      Kenny: [returning with Mr Bedford] Look, my clothes have come back but my wardrobe hasn't!
      Mr Bedford: Now, is there anything else missing?
      Kenny: Well, I don't think so... [enters the room and drops his clothes in shock] AHHH! The bed!
      Mr Bedford: But your bed is still there!
      Kenny: The bedspread's disappeared!
      Mr Bedford: Well, are you sure you had one?
      Kenny: Oh, of course I had one! It was blue! It went with the wallpaper, now it's gone with the wardrobe!
      Mr Bedford: Well, where has it gone!?
      Kenny: [pointing to Frank and Betty's door] He's got it! He must have!
      Mr Bedford: [following Kenny onto the landing] Well, what would he want with it?!
      Kenny: I've heard some very strange noises... he could be... doing something very funny.
      Mr Bedford: What, with two wardrobes and a bedspread!?
    • Amazingly, Frank is able to get rid of Mr Bedford and Kenny without them seeing any of the damage to the room (thanks largely to Betty pretending to do stretches with her nightgown extended to hide the hole in the floor behind her), but he now decides to commandeer a floor mat from Kenny's room to cover the hole and extend it to the wardrobe. So he and Betty wait until Kenny is asleep, then open his door and pull the mat under it. However, there's a chair resting on it, and Kenny wakes up to see the chair moving toward the door. Cue "Mr Bedford! Mr Bedford!"... which redoubles when Frank accidentally walks across the hole in the floor (having accidentally put two more holes in the floor when Betty's bed collapses into yet more rotten floorboards, which proves to be her breaking point) and his feet go through the ceiling over the bar.
      Kenny: [the sheets over his head] Mr Bedford! Mr Bedford! Mr Bedford!
      Mr Bedford: [entering] WHAT is the matter now!?
      Kenny: Mr Bedford, I've heard noises! And that chair started to move, I couldn't stop it! I want another room! I've never had a room like this before, everything on the move!
      Mr Bedford: Well, I suggest you stay awake, sir! Perhaps if you keep your eye on things, they won't move about so much!
      Kenny: I'm not sitting awake all night watching the furniture! [gets out of bed] Couldn't I... couldn't I move in with you?
      Mr Bedford: No you could not! This is a hotel, not an introductory service!
      Kenny: Well, I'm sleeping with the light on!
      Mr Bedford: Yes, and so am I!
    • But Kenny does persuade Mr Bedford to sit outside his room and keep watch... which proves a problem for Frank and Betty when they try to make a midnight getaway. Over Betty's protests, Frank decides to use a Bedsheet Ladder ("like in Colditz") tied to the washbasin to go through the hole in the floor. But the washbasin rips off the wall as Frank lowers Betty through the hole, then when he follows her, he falls through the hole headfirst, demolishing the bar as he tries to right himself and getting covered in plaster dust as the closing credits roll. All while Kenny cowers under the sheets.
• "The Public Relations Course" provides a classic example of Frank driving even someone whose job is to remain calm in the face of chaos to the brink of insanity.
  • On the first day of the title course, after having already caused frustration with his inability to think of words that describe qualities a PR officer should have, Frank is "volunteered" to take part in a role-playing exercise as a dissatisfied customer, and Mr Watson, the PR guru leading the course, invites him to hurl abuse at him to show the class what PR officers must be prepared to handle, and how to do so. But Frank is more used to being on the receiving end of abuse, so he asks if they can swap roles. Maybe later, Mr Watson says. Frank finally falls back on the nicknames he heard Mr Lang, a leftist radical attending the course against his will who thinks PR is absolute humbug (and who is very keen to play the dissatisfied customer), hurling at Mr Watson the previous night - never mind that he doesn't really understand them:
    Mr Watson: Now look, it doesn't matter what you say to me, I won't be upset, I've been trained not to be upset. You're the one who's upset, and I'm going to calm you down, so... come on, call me names, lose your temper, call me anything you want, like, er...
    Mr Lang: [darkly] Fascist pig?
    Mr Watson: [testily] All right, Mr Lang, Mr Spencer's quite capable of being rude on his own account, thank you very much!
    Frank: [pointing to Mr Lang] He was very good though, wasn't he?
    Mr Watson: Never mind about that now, come on.
    Frank: Really bad?
    Mr Watson: Really bad!
    Frank: [Beat] And very rude?
    Mr Watson: Yes, as rude as you like!
    Frank: [looks at the rest of the class, then back at Mr Watson] There's ladies present!
    Mr Watson: I'm sure they won't object this once, now come along.
    Frank: Right... [spends about 25 seconds contorting his face as he tries to think of what to say] You... [long pause] devil! [to the rest of the class] I'm sorry. [to Mr Watson] Devil, you!
    Mr Watson: [jovially] Ah! Splendid, splendid! You're getting into the spirit of it, he's getting really angry, isn't he! Now come on, more! More!
    Frank: Quack!
    Mr Watson: I beg your pardon?
    Frank: Quack, you! Quack! Hypocritical charlatan! [Mr Lang leads the rest of the class in applauding] Reprobate!
    Mr Watson: Yes, that's enough-
    Frank: Educational hoodwinker! [the other students cheer; some of them start pounding the table] Grovelling, servile, sycophantic... scamp, you! [the other students cheer even louder]
    Mr Watson: WILL YOU BE QUIET!?
    Mr Lang: Temper, temper!
  • Mr Watson mops his brow with his handkerchief (as does Frank - with Mr Watson's, not his own) and orders Frank to sit down, but Frank is adamant that he get his turn as the PR officer dealing with an abusive customer, and the other students, led by Mr Lang, take Frank's side. So Mr Watson, ignoring Mr Lang's raised hand again, "volunteers" another student, Eddie Roberts, who has taken Frank under his wing. Once again, Frank completely fails to understand the point of the exercise, and he inadvertently proves Mr Lang right about Mr Watson's true nature:
    Mr Watson: Mr Roberts, this time you are the customer, and Mr Spencer is the PRO. I want you to get angry with him! [to himself] God knows it shouldn't be difficult.
    Frank: [all smiles] Right, it's only pretend, Eddie. You call me what you like. [Eddie takes a few deep breaths to get into character] Go!
    Eddie: [lunges toward Frank] I've had a terrible holiday! Terrible! The hotel was full of bugs! The roof leaked! Our clothes were ruined! I lost my luggage! My wife's had a nervous breakdown! I'm under the doctor too! And I'm going to sue your company. I'm going to tell the newspapers! I'm going to get every penny I can out of you!
    [Mr Watson smiles and nods at Eddie; Frank looks stunned, and turns to look at Mr Watson, who nods toward Eddie. "Your customer, sir..."]
    Frank: ... I don't blame you!
    Mr Watson: [grabs Frank and drags him aside] What the devil are you talking about, you don't blame him?! He's going to sue your company!
    Frank: Well, if they're as bad as he says they are-
    Mr Watson: [charging to the chalkboard and pointing to one of the words on it] Loyalty, loyalty!
    Frank: [pointing at one of the other words] Honesty, honesty!
    Other students: YEAH! [some of them pound the table]
    Mr Watson: It's not a question of being honest! You don't just agree with every word he says!
    Frank: But you told me I should get on with them!
    Mr Watson: Get on with them, not join them!
    Frank: But if he's been swindled-
    Mr Watson: He hasn't been swindled, no-one's been swindled!
    Frank: [to the rest of the class] There's too much of this going on! People having their holidays ruined!
    Mr Watson: Nobody's had their holiday ruined!
    Frank: Eddie has! He had the bugs!
    Mr Watson: How do you know!? [grabs both Frank and Eddie by the arms] You haven't even discussed it with him yet! You haven't said a single word in defence of your company! He could be lying, making it all up!
    Eddie: [offended] I'm not!
    Frank: No, I know you're not, Eddie! My mother had the same trouble in Bournemouth!
    Female student: That's right! You stand up to him!
    Mr Lang: Sue him, Frank!
    Mr Watson: [to Mr Lang] You keep out of this!
    Frank: Yes, she had a terrible time, just like Eddie! Being ha-rassed from room to room! Abused in strange places!
    Mr Watson: [storms across to Frank] I'm not interested, I don't want to hear about your mother! I don't care about your mother!
    Eddie: [grabbing Mr Watson by the shoulder] Here, don't you start in on him! He was only trying to help me, see!
    Mr Watson: He's not supposed to help you! He's a public relations officer! [gets a massive Oh, Crap! look as the students react]
    Mr Lang: Did you hear that? We're getting to the truth now, aren't we, eh!
    Male student:^note  Played by a then-little-known Christopher Biggins. Showing himself in his true colours!
    Mr Watson: [marching over to Mr Lang] I've had just about enough of you, you can get out!
    Female student: Trying to cheat your customers!
    Mr Watson: You can get out as well!
    Male student: Hoodwinker!
    Mr Watson: And you!
    Mr Lang: I told you what he was like!
    Mr Watson: All of you, get out! [Frank hides behind the chalkboard as the rest of the class surround Mr Watson and begin arguing with him and demanding refunds as he repeatedly bellows "GET OUT!"; eventually, they all storm off to pack their belongings and leave, whereupon Mr Watson sees Frank]
    Frank: [long pause; smiles and gestures as if he's had an idea] I just thought of another word!
    Mr Watson: [murderously] So have I!
• Frank's wild ride on roller skates in "Father's Clinic" is one of the best remembered scenes in 1970s British comedy. After proving sufficiently annoying to the other roller rink patrons, Frank is launched through an emergency door, clatters down a two-storey circular ramp, and speeds down roads, almost causing several car accidents before he grabs onto the back of a bus. When the conductor confronts him, he protests, "I got no change!" He finally lets go and stumbles up the stairs of a maternity shop, collapsing into a crib and knocking over multiple displays.
• "Learning to Drive" provides ample evidence of why Frank should never be allowed behind the wheel of a car as he takes his Driving Test for the tenth time. He starts driving too slow, then goes straight to much too fast (despite a lorry behind him honking at him to get out of the way) and drives across a level crossing just as a train is approaching. He makes it across with seconds to spare ("The 12:15's a bit early! Must be a new driver!"), giving his examiner, Mr Hayes, such a fright that it takes a while before he has the presence of mind to beg Frank to stop the car so he can get out and be sick... at which point they discover they've stopped on the middle segment of a moveable bridge, which has been raised to allow a boat to go under it ("There's nothing about these in the Highway Code [...] tall-short roads!"). When they get back on the road, Frank decides to take a short cut back to the driving centre since Mr Hayes has said he wants to get there as soon as possible (the sooner to be rid of Frank), but he ends up driving off the end of a jetty into the sea. A bedraggled Mr Hayes climbs out of the roof of the car, swims back to shore, and stomps off as Frank stands on the roof while the car continues to drift out to sea, yelling "Mr Hayes! Have I passed?"
• "Wendy House" provides plenty of hilarity courtesy of Frank's absolute hopelessness at carpentry.
  • The episode is most remembered for a funny moment even the cast couldn't keep from laughing at. Insurance assessor Mr Harris (Richard Wilson) has called at the Spencers' new house to look over the damage their furniture sustained in transit from their old house, but as he can't distinguish between the broken pieces and the pieces Frank built himself, he accepts Frank's offer to negotiate and joins him and Betty on the sofa. When he sits down, he sinks so far into the sofa that he only comes up to Frank's shoulders. Michele Dotrice has to cover her face to hide her laughter from the camera, and as the studio audience roar with laughter, Michael Crawford and Richard Wilson are likewise struggling mightily (and not entirely successfully) to keep straight faces. The vision mixer's heroic efforts to edit around this in real time are almost futile.
  • Frank gets into a Sticky Situation when he tries to take home a chair he has built in his woodworking class with superglue; also waiting for the same bus are the Coopers, a middle-aged man and his mother, who is feeling a bit faint. Frank offers to get a glass of water, as his classroom is still open, but while his back is turned, Mr Cooper helps his mother into the chair before Frank can warn them about the superglue - and, inevitably, she ends up stuck to it. Mr Cooper picks up the tube of superglue and gets some on his hand, and when he tries to wipe it off on the bus stop sign, he ends up glued to it. He drags the sign off to get help just as the bus arrives, and the conductor, Mr Roberts, tries to assist Frank in getting Mrs Cooper out of the chair... but after they have both handled the tube of superglue, they end up stuck to the chair as well, Frank to the side stretchers and Mr Roberts to the back. By the time they arrive in Accident and Emergency, even Frank is in no mood to be asked silly questions:
    [Mr Cooper is led into the waiting room, still glued to the bus stop sign, followed by Mrs Cooper in the chair with Mr Roberts walking backwards ahead of her and Frank on his knees following behind]
    Ambulance crewman: Can you walk?
    Frank: [impatiently] Normally, yes! [the ambulance crewman manoeuvres the three people and the chair toward a row of seats, Frank struggling to keep up] Not too fast! [he bumps into the row of seats and falls face first into Mrs Cooper's chest] I'm sorry, madam...
    Mr Roberts: Keep in step, man, we've got to stick together!
    Frank: Oh, that's very funny.
    Ambulance crewman: [finally moving the three people and the chair so that Mr Roberts can sit down with Mrs Cooper in Frank's chair in front of him, and Frank on the floor in front of the chair] Right, you can rest now. [to nurse] They're all yours.
    Nurse: Are you all together? [Frank, Mrs Cooper, and Mr Roberts all glare at her as if to say "What does it look like!?"]
    Frank: Of course we're all together, that's why we're here!
    Nurse: Well, if you'd just like to leave the lady...
    Frank: I have been trying to leave her for the last half-hour!
    Nurse: I think I'd better call Sister... [hurries away]
    [...]
    Sister: How on Earth did you get in that position?
    Frank: I was waiting for a bus.
    Mr Roberts: My bus!
    Frank: And if you had been on time, this wouldn't have happened!
    Mr Roberts: Don't you blame me, man!
    Frank: And stop stroking my hand, I'm a married man!
    Mr Roberts: I'm not stroking your hand!
    Sister: [standing up from where she has been examining Frank's hand] Gentlemen, please, will you keep your voices down, there are sick people waiting!
    Frank: I've had better days myself!
    Sister: Have you tried washing?
    Frank: ... I did not come here to be insulted, madam!
    Sister: [rolls her eyes] Have you tried washing your hands?
    Frank: Have you tried washing your hands in this position!?
• In "King of the Road", it seems that two wheels are just as dangerous as four for Frank when he gets a job as a motorcycle courier.
  • The episode opens as he takes his operator's exam. His examiner gives him directions for his route, then says he will step out at some point along the route for him to make an emergency stop. Frank being Frank, he gets lost, makes an emergency stop of a different sort when he has to visit the gents', and then pulls alongside another motorcyclist in a beige trench coat with learner's plates who ends up following the route Frank should have followed. When the examiner steps out into the road, the other motorcyclist isn't expecting him, and both end up in the back of an ambulance. Frank cycles past the ambulance and the crowd gathered around... and simply mutters, "Nasty!"
  • Unbeknownst to Frank, his employers are linked to organised crime and distribution of pornography, and he is assigned to make a delivery... just as his boss falls victim to a police sting. But Frank has bigger things to worry about when the throttle of his bike gets stuck, sending him on a chaotic ride around town, into and out of a building site, across a row of punts across a river, straight through a camping couple's tent (ending up covered in the canvas), into a barn where he somehow ends up on the upper storey (cue many startled animal cries, a woman screaming, and a man yelling "Hey! That's my wife!"), over a ramp and into a reservoir and out again, and finally back to his employer's office (where the police are busy arresting people), where he rides straight into the barrier at the entrance just as it lifts up, catapulting him through an upstairs window and into the dispatch board, which short circuits and catches fire.

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