Funny / Nextwave

• The Celestials telling Aaron Stack exactly what they think of him. Complete with Arishem doing the "L-for-loser" hand sign.
  Arishem the Judge: Aaron Stack, you who are called Machine Man. You have traveled with us for three hundred and sixty cycles by your reckoning of time. There is now something we have to tell you.
  Arishem the Judge: You are total ☠☠☠☠.
  Aaron Stack: ...What?
  Arishem the Judge: No, really. You're ☠☠☠☠.
  Arishem the Judge: We've taken a year of you. We're taking you back to that orbiting trashcan you call a planet. And dumping you there. (Aaron turns around and begins walking away) You're turning away from us. We are speaking to you and you're turning away from us. That is exactly the kind of ☠☠☠☠ we were talking about here.
  Aaron Stack: (starts crying) Please...don't look...I don't want you to believe...that even a robot can cry.
  Arishem the Judge: (flashes the loser sign) See what we mean? Complete and utter ☠☠☠☠.
• FIN FANG FOOM!
  Mommy was a slut-lizard that did the Bad Thing with suggestively-shaped piles of nuclear waste, and nine months later...
  FIN FANG FOOM!
  Has been burning with the need to mate since 1956!
  FIN FANG FOOM!
  Has absolutely no genitals whatsoever!
  FIN FANG FOOM!
  Oh, you cannot imagine how annoyed he is.
• "I fire you with bullets now."
• "Monica Rambeau, leader of the Nextwave squad, lies all the time."
• A Take That! aimed at a certain scene from The Ultimates: "Victim? VICTIM!? DO YOU THINK THIS € ON MY CHEST STANDS FOR AMERICA!?"
• "Oh my god. They explode! My life has taken on new meaning."
• Dread Rorkannu shows us how to keep a poker face while negotiating.
  Yes! I HAVE A HUNDRED OF THE EARTH DOLLARS! [Beat]
  Ahem. This is acceptable to Dread Rorkannu. Yes.
  And the girls. I like those "Suicide Girls." On the website. The girls with tattoos and piercings. I like those. No blondes.
• This little exchange:
  Tabby: [kicking a cop] I hate cops! Because, like, cops keep arresting me and stuff? For stealing? Like stealing's a crime or something?
  Aaron: Hey! What's going on?
  Tabby: He's a cop, Aaron!
  Aaron: [joins in the kicking] Cops — the most annoying fleshy ones of all!
• "Widdle cuddly bears... of death? AAAAAAAAAAA! DEATH BEARS!"
  Aaron: [with a smug look, and a drop bear on his head that has shattered teeth] Ha. Fear my robot head.
• "ZOMG! There are French people in Canada? That's like, right next door! OH NOES!" (Don't try and work out how she said it out loud.)
• The title to the second trade paperback: I Kick Your Face.
  • Pretty much the whole book is Made of Win. Go and read it already.
  • It even has a theme song:
  Monica! Is gonna microwave your [bleep]!
  Tabby! Is going to steal all your stuff!
  Aaron! Is going to organize your sock drawer.
  Elsa! Is gonna speak with an accent!
  The Captain! His name is the Captain!
• The nonsensical recap pages at the start of every issue. It's less exposition and more "Seinfeldian Conversation between two guys named Q and A".
• Dirk Anger. Whenever he is on a panel, hilarity ensues. The guy is a walking, talking, dress-wearing, pill-stuffed ice-cream chugger.
  Dirk Anger: So you're the fresh fish, huh? New H.A.T.E. trainees, wondering if you're going to make the grade as full agents. You know who I am? I'm Dirk Anger, director of H.A.T.E. I've been director of H.A.T.E. for longer than you've been alive. Except maybe you. You look kinda old.
  Recruit: I'm thirty, sir.
  Dirk Anger: Thirty? You look like a bag of dried buttskin. I'm older'n you. I'm ninety years old. You know how I look so pretty? I take drugs. Special H.A.T.E. drugs. Life-extending drugs. H.A.T.E. has the best drugs. Because H.A.T.E. loves me. And I love H.A.T.E. Every day of my horrible drug-extended terrorist-fighting life. Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat. The cook serves me an entire animal and I fight it bare-handed and tear off what I want and eat it and have the rest buried. In New Jersey! For H.A.T.E.!
• Dirk Anger: "Put the atomic puppies in the torpedo tubes! Yap yap bang! Ha ha ha ha ha! YAP YAP BANG!"
• Dirk's rant against Monica:
  "That's it! I wanted to play with you! I wanted to torture you! But YOU ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO SPOIL MY FUN! You know who you are? You know what you're like? You're just like my wife! That's right! Everything was fine and dandy, and then I ask you to do one little thing! What did I say to you, Monica? I mean, what was so awful about it? I said perform the weapons tests and don't worry your little girly head about the weapons coming from a company that used to be a terrorist cell! I said blow up chunks of America for freedom! But no! You couldn't! ONE LITTLE THING! It's like you suddenly turned forty and your face went south and suddenly it was no, Dirk, I won't do those things with the chicken and the wig and the bath full of acid for you anymore! And by the way, Dirk, give me all your cash, let me paint everything pink, adopt a million screaming little snot-factory children for me and don't you dare touch me or my womb will fall off! And you know what I did?
  [only then he realizes everyone else at the bridge of the Aeromarine is staring at him...]
  Heh. Let's just kill 'em, then. Engage main batteries."
• The sad fate of Father Blood Drench Robo Crush.
• The Captain's origin story. First, his discovery that all the good Captain names were taken; then, his short run of going by Captain ☠☠☠☠, which ended when he introduced himself as such to Captain America. (Who then beat seven kinds of it out of The Captain and left him in a dumpster with a bar of soap in his mouth.)
• Fighting the Mindless Ones.
  • The first splash page of issue eight, featuring the Mindless Ones snapping their fingers while dancing down the street, has been cited by some on the Internet as the greatest page in comic book history. "Dance, critters."
• More meta, but the Wikipedia page for Dirk Anger is hilarious, if only because it tries to summarize the character's traits and participation in the series with complete seriousness.
• The series of around six consecutive splash pages in the penultimate issue. The last image is captioned as such:
  Nextwave: Blatantly wasting your money since 2006.
  • Before that we get:
    Nextwave should only be taken in 100 mg doses and never through the urethra.
• "Special bear?" "Special bear is dead."
• Two words: Elvis M.O.D.O.K.s.
  • Two more words: Wolverine primates.
• Number None's true identity — a baby M.O.D.O.K..
  Monica: I didn't know they came this small. This one's almost like... a... nah. Can't be.
  Baby M.O.D.O.K.: Can too! Oh yes! A M.O.D.O.K. and a M.O.D.A.M. made sweet monkey love by the light of a rack of Worlds of Warcraft servers, and I was the result!
• The Reveal of who exactly is behind everything. Devil Dinosaur, who for no adequately explainable reason is wearing a smoking jacket and holding a glass of chianti. Yes, a giant red dinosaur in a smoking jacket holding a revolver and a glass of champagne◊.
  Devil Dinosaur: Moon Boy hated me. Moon Boy had to die. Moon Boy tasted bad and gave me considerable rectal distress.
• After Steve Rogers is turned into Captain America, two scientists give him advice for impressing Franklin D Roosevelt in his presentation. One suggests lifting something heavy. The other suggests standing up.
• Forbush Man is easily able to disable the entire team with disorienting and cruel visions of other lives. One exception — Tabby, who is stated to have no brain to manipulate. She promptly blows him up, and delivers the following line:
  "The little guy did something to your heads. I gave him the explodo because I am clever."
• Aaron Stack refuses to take off the giant bra he's wearing◊.
  Aaron: Lick my blinky diodes. I'm the hero today.
  • Then the rest of the team (sans the Captain, who is lying unconscious in the mud) proceed to beat him with shovels.
  • The caption for that last panel? "Nextwave is love."
• Finished reading all those entries? None of it was made up. And it's even weirder than we can describe.