Funny / Mallrats

  • "One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass." That's the first line of the movie!
  • Brodie's steadily increasing rage about the kid on the escalator.
    I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
  • Brodie Bruce, quote machine: "I woulda made a sexy chick!"
  • Then there's the matter of Brodie's breakup with Rene. He initially thought it was over his farting while she's giving him oral sex. T.S. quickly asserts that if that was the cause, he was damn lucky that's all she did.
  • Brodie's rant about being stuck in the past while walking backwards and the inevitable payoff.
    Brodie: You face forward or you face the possibility of shock and damage! *immediately gets hit in the back of the head with a crossbeam*
  • Jay and Silent Bob, "avenging" Brodie, beat the crap out of the Easter Bunny in front of an army of children, who then proceed to pummel them both.
    • A few scenes later, one of the network execs mentions that "the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning."
  • The Curly Howard-esque yelp that Jay makes when he sees that the police are closing in on he and Silent Bob.
  • The various things that Silent Bob pulls out of his coat to escape Team LaFours.
  • Everything involving the topless three-nippled psychic, Ivanna.
    TS: You have a third nipple?
    Brodie: *has been horribly uncomfortable through the entire scene* What are you talking about? It's as clear as day!
    • And then the end of the scene, when it turns out that it's fake.
    Ivanna: Works every time.
  • Pretty much the entire Truth or Date sequence is one, with Brodie getting most of the best lines, frequently at the expense of Gil.
    Brodie: *after Gil's proposed date plans* That was the biggest load of CRAP I've ever heard! I mean look at you, you're the kinda guy that would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
    • And then how he goes off on a story about his Cousin Walter jacking off in public. And the audience appears to be very engrossed by the story.
      • And the punchline Brody getting offended when Gil asks if Walter or any of the people on the plane with him ended up climaxing.
    • Brodie insinuating that Gil's a self-loathing gay guy.
  • Any time Jay draws a blueprint, and any time they try to carry it out.
    Jay: Fly, fatass! Fly!
  • Silent Bob crashing through the dressing room wall twice while carrying out said plans and happening upon Gwen changing.
    • Then when Gwen happens upon Jay and Silent Bob talking to Brodie after Shannon beats him up, Silent Bob tries to conceal his face, but Gwen notices him anyway.
  • Shannon Hamilton has tried to screw girls in a very uncomfortable place:
    Various:''' What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
    • And when Gil mentions it, Brodie does a small Double Take, as if thinking "How did you know?...", at which point Gil just turns away awkwardly.
  • Everybody but poor Willam Black seeing the sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture.
    Little Girl: Wow, it's a schooner!
    William: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a sailboat.
    Little Boy: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head!
  • T.S. referring to Trish the Dish as a "Junior Master's in Johnson."
  • After Tricia admits to sleeping with Shannon, she tells Brodie that Shannon has quite a disdain for him. Brodie's horrified reaction: "Ew, he mentioned me during sex?!"
  • Jay's wail of support for T.S. while he's on the game show (or rather, T.S.' assumed identity): "DO IT, DOUG!"
  • This quote from Jay to Willam:
    Jay:: I'll tell you what you need is a fatty, boombatty blunt! And I'll guarantee you'll see a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of them big-titted mermaids, doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
  • When Svenning is speaking to the network execs, trying to assure them that Truth or Date will "go off without a hitch", someone offscreen yells "LOOK OUT!" as we hear something crash. Svenning tries to assure the execs that it's a "sound test".
  • While in the book store, Jay shows Silent Bob a picture in a girlie magazine and tells him "Dude, this look like your mom." Silent Bob looks up from his book, looks at the picture, considers it for a moment and nods in a "Yeah, kinda" sort of way.
  • From the 2005 DVD, the "Mallrats: The Reunion" Q&A with the cast and crew was a barrelful of laughs. For instance, Kevin Smith recalling how he and Scott Mosier crashed at producer Jim Jacks' house while in LA editing and at one point, they had just had a party. Jacks arrived, people rushed out the back- and Jacks flipped over finding chicken grease on the phone, with Kevin describing how Jason Mewes was over the sink in the kitchen, with a piece of fried chicken up to his mouth.