Funny / Iron Druid Chronicles


  • Atticus Ponders what would happen if a modern college student (re: stoner) came home and found an uninvited woman in their kitchen trying to make a strawberry smoothie:
    imaginary college student: "Yo, Bitch,The fuck you doin with my Strawberries!"

  • The widow Mc Donagh's reaction to Atticus murdering Bres on her front lawn.
    Widow: A friend will help you move, but a real friend will help you move a body!

  • Atticus' reaction to the Morrigan telling him that Brighid is coming to visit him after killing Bres:
    Atticus (narration): I jumped up and down and swore violently in seventeen languages.

  • The Morrigan comes to visit Atticus in his shop. His employee Perry sees the battlecrow and Atticus sends him off to lunch.
    Perry: “You’re just, uh, gonna take care of that giant freakin’ bird all by yourself, then? The one with the razor-sharp beak and the spooky eyes that look like they’re lit with the fires of hell?”
    Atticus:“Yeah, don’t worry about it. Enjoy yourself. Take your time.”
    • While Perry is out to lunch, Brighid comes to visit and burns the shop door out of its frame, a cop shoots Atticus and then the cop is shot. Then Perry returns and finds Atticus laying on the grass in front of the shop, bullet hole and all:
    Perry:“Holy shit, boss! Did that big fucking bird do all of this?”


  • Atticus Commenting on demon BO
    Atticus: Demons Stink like ass- nasty ass that slithers down your throat, finds your gag reflex and sits on it with authority
  • Atticus and Leif are on the porch discussing how Leif's use of outdated grammar made him sound like a "creepy bastard". Half an hour later, after he's just finished killing a demon on his front lawn, his Peeping Tom neighbor walks up to him incredulously and says, "you're a real creepy bastard O'Sullivan!" He then asks, "what are you?" to which Atticus cheerfully responds "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course." The neighbour faints, which Atticus notes is weird, because he's Muslim, not Christian.
  • When Atticus gets part of his ear torn off in the climax of Hounded, he gets it repaired by having sex with the Morrigan, who is "rough" in bed. Later on he gets his ear shot off again by a witch and Screams:
    Atticus: The Gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! GAAAAHHHHH! *charges into battle*
  • During the battle with the German witches, a demon has this to say:
    Demon: You killed my father, prepare to Die!
    Atticus: Inigo Montoya? Is that you?


  • Atticus about Mag Mell ale
    Atticus: That’s right, there’s free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone’s jealous.
  • Oberon and his Holy Grail of all coffee drinks
    Oberon: “Out of the steam and the foam and the froth, a man in white with poor eyesight will craft a liquid paradox, and it shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!”
  • Oberon and his reasons to be satisfied
    Oberon: "Anyplace is good so long as there’s sausage and bitches."
  • The "Salad Spinner" scene.
    Granuaile: (in her best Large Ham Announcer voice) “SEE the centrifugal force work its MAGIC on the WATERRR! Red leaf, green leaf, spinach, or arugula, it DOESN’T MATTERRR! Just put your wet greens in the spinner and crank that mother ’til ALL the moisture’s GONE!"

  • Coyote coming to find Otter-Atticus:
    Coyote: I don’t speak Otter, ya dumbass. What are ya waitin’ for? Get over here so we can get back to the rez. Unless I’m talkin’ to a real otter, in which case I’m the dumbass and you can just stay over there.
    Atticus (narration): I cheerfully suggested that he juggle hedgehogs.

  • The teaching methods of Atticus' archdruid:
    “There are only three things you can do when something falls from the sky,” my archdruid used to say. “Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you.” Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me.

  • Atticus trying to explain the nature of the gods Pan and Faunus.
    Atticus: "Originally Pan was a way for people to get in touch with all that’s primal in nature and within themselves. He was a great big yang to all the yin of the other gods and the order of Olympus and civilization. Pan wanted to party and fuck and make a lot of noise—and once the monotheists came along and got a load of him—”
    Oberon: "Ha! You said load."

  • Atticus on the phone to his lawyer
    Atticus: I need you to buy a case of fifteen-year-old Redbreast whiskey and somehow get your hands on a gross of Samoas and put them in the cabin right away
    Hal: Pardon me, is this some kind of social experiment? You want me to get a hundred fourty four Samoans and cram them into your cabin with a case of whiskey?
    Atticus: No, I said Samoas. The Girl Scout Cookies with coconut and chocolate.
  • During negotiations with the Greek and Roman pantheons, Jupiter agrees to one of Atticus' demands with an "As you wish." Oberon nearly makes Atticus and Granuaile bust into laughter at a VERY bad time by mentally communicating "And one day, Atticus was surprised to realized that when Jupiter said 'as you wish', he really meant 'I love you'."
  • In order to get Leif Helgarson to leave, Granuaile takes advantage of Leif's squeamish nature on bodily functions by exclaiming "So vampires DO have balls!" and runs with it, saying she just figured they had a withered sack just hanging there from old age, and then stating that she was wrong while intimating that Leif would be leaving in order to play dirty leapfrog with the vampire he was serving. It worked.
  • In the end, Atticus brings Granuaile to an Irish Wolfhound rescue to that Granuaile can bond with her own female wolfhound. Oberon is so ecstatic that he knocks over Atticus, proceeds to hump his leg while cheering loudly mentally, and it takes a bit for Atticus to dislodge him.


  • Granuaile's demand for signing the peace treaty
    Granuaile: You have to finally answer this question, because I’ve been so curious: Do vampires poop?