many in this show, it's hard to catalogue them. But we have to start somewhere...
- "The Top Secret Top Coat" stands out as superlative! Especially for Klink.
- Klink tells Hogan that a very important visitor is coming to Stalag 13.
'Hogan: Ol' Bubblehead's coming here?
Klink: I do not appreciate you calling our Fuhrer 'Old Bubblehead!'
Hogan: How about fruitcake?
- A small but hilarious one: Schultz follows Hogan as he sneaks out of camp and yells at him: "Even you are not supposed to leave the camp!"
- The entire gonculator episode, particularly the looks on everyone's faces when Carter demonstrates how his rabbit trap works.
- And let's not forget the poor guy in Intelligence who classifies the gonculator as top-secret because he has no idea what it is.
- The episode's climax, when Schultz plugs the gonculator into a wall outlet. It explodes, and in the chaos they sneak Major Lutz down the tunnel...but leave behind a scorched German uniform, implying it vaporized him.
- And then, when they've bagged a wabbit, it's clearly a domestic one.
- In 'Hogan's Hofbrau' the look on Schultz's face when he comes into the Hofbrau and Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau all wave at him and Hogan (wearing a German officer's uniform) greets him with a casual, cheery. "Hi Schultz!"
Schultz: Believe me, Herr Kommandant, I am a poor man. I even have no right to be fat.
- At the end of the episode, Klink comes into the hofbrau while everyone is in there. Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau are hiding behind the bar, and Hogan is surveying the situation.
Hogan: Go out the back door.
Carter: There is no back door!
LeBeau: I'll make one!
- Hogan tries to convince Klink that if he lets Burkhalter/Hochstetter use Stalag 13 as a storage facility he may as well rename it 'Klink's Gas Station.' Klink scoffs at this but as soon as Hogan leaves the room he accidentally answers the phone with "Klink's Gas Station, Heil Hitler! *beat, then hangs up in frustration*"
- Hogan has gotten Klink into a situation where he is completely screwed unless a train carrying the person who's going to get him court-martialed or sent to the Russian front blows up.
Hogan: Think that the train will blow up.
Klink: The train will blow up?
Klink: I believe. I believe! *beat* Oh Hogan this is ridiculous!
*sound of an explosion*
Klink: What was that?!
Hogan: *smiles* Sounded like a train blowing up.
- The situation must be described to be believed. Hogan's crew preventing any escapes has unknowingly made Klink look good to the brass. The boys are trying to stage a simple escape, and Hogan orders them to think small instead of a massive dramatic distraction. Carter promptly sets multiple explosive charges in the yard to fake a bombing raid. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the Inspector General shows up, and Hogan tries to call off the distraction but fails, only stopping things from getting completely out of hand by revealing the escapee. Upon finding out that Klink is to be promoted (due to the boys making him look good), when Klink and the IG come to inspect Hogan's barracks for the last time, the men steal the man's wallet and monocle and plant them on Klink, reveal a secret radio, and then collapse a tunnel under the man, again going too far the other direction and having the man decide to have Klink replaced. Of course, when told to rig the IG's staff car, they steal the motor and replace it with a smoke bomb. (Why, we'll never know). Then two of Hogan's crew in disguise come in with another staff car (being spotted by Schultz, who at this point just wants it to be over with) and take the IG to the train station, where they rig the train to explode so as to kill the IG and keep Klink at his post.
- "I'll have you shot, court-martialed and sent to the Russian Front!"
- "And believe me, I can do it!"
- Klink is calling Burkhalter a nasty old tub of lard and then turns around to find Burkhalter behind him. Burkhalter then cancels his leave and says "I really am a nasty old tub of lard."
- After Hogan fakes an explosion using a smoke bomb:
Klink: Is there any damage to the motor?
Schultz: What motor?
- After Schultz has just gotten Klink into a lot of trouble:
Schultz: Colonel, it is against the military code for an officer to strike an enlisted man!
Klink: Strike you? No. Shoot you, yes!
- An escape artist tells Carter that he can escape from any locked trunk. Later after he escapes from camp against orders, the men think he has taken Carter with him and start talking about how they're going to find Carter. Then Hogan says "I know where Carter is. He's in my footlocker. You're in my footlocker, aren't you Carter?" "Yes sir."
Hogan: Get him out of there, before I decide to leave him in there.
- Hogan, in a seemingly impossible situation: "I'm up the creek. I don't have a paddle. I don't have a boat. I don't even have a creek!"
- Somewhat lessened by the fact that this is one of the few times that Hogan really panics. Another time was when a ditzy British colonel parked an entire cargo truck full of dynamite right outside the barracks.
- Speaking of that episode, the ditzy British colonel attempts to quote Shakespeare to prove that he has a photographic memory. Ahem.
- Schultz says something Klink doesn't like:
Klink: Oh shut up! Speak only when you are spoken to!
Schultz: But you spoke to me Herr Kommandant!
Klink: Next time, don't answer!
- While trying to break into Klink's safe the phone rings:
Hogan: Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
Carter: I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. *beat* So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!
- Klink is trying to downplay the severity of an Allied bombing:
Colonel Klink: No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz: Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!
Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!
Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!
Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz: Illustrious Luft...
Colonel Klink: Schultz!
- Everything involving Sergeant Freddie in "Monkey Business".
- The "Roll Out The Barrel" scene from "Top Hat, White Tie, and Bomb Sights."
- After an escape plan goes awry in "Reservations Are Required," Hogan must come up with a way to keep the escapees from being noticed—so he grabs a water bucket and dumps it on two of his own men.
Hogan: [soaks two of his men to protect the escapees] And that's for trying to escape in the water truck!
Klink: [bursts in and moves right past the two men without even noticing] Alright, Hogan, where are the two prisoners?
Hogan: If you stood any closer to them your Iron Cross would get rusty.
- Kinchloe messing with the electronic gates in "Will the Real Adolf Please Stand Up?"
- "Kommandant of the Year" is full of this, from Klink's acceptance speech to this moment in the cold open, as the gang assesses the top-secret weapon that's been brought to camp.
Hogan: They know it's safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
Carter: Hey, gang. What about we find out what it is, and if it's important enough we get London to bomb the camp? That'd be great!
Hogan: Carter? [takes him aside and opens the door] Out.
Carter: Schultz says I might get shot!
Hogan: That's right.
- Baker spraying Hochstetter with a fire hose in "It's Dynamite!"
- Hochstetter gets one in "The Missing Klink" when he is made to believe that Klink is Nimrod. Two hours and a desk full of paper later, Burkhalter puts it best:
Burkhalter: I saw you answer the phone, I heard you say "Mairzy Doats", and I watched you eat a wad of paper.
- "The Swing Shift": Newkirk vs. The German Draft Board
- Schultz gets a epic one (complete with musical number) in "Sergeant Schultz Meets Mata Hari". The Heroes are discussing their latest plan, with the tunnel exposed when Schultz literally comes waltzing in, singing to Strauss's "Blue Danube". He spots the exposed tunnel, mistakes it for a hole that needs to be fixed before "someone gets hurt", and waltzes out, still singing (LeBeau and Carter wind up having to hold the door closed to keep him from coming back in). Response?
- "What Time Does the Balloon Go Up" has the heroes pick up a British pilot. Prior to the pick-up, Hogan explains the dangers of the assignment causing Newkirk to call it a "sticky wicket". Carter asks what that is and Hogan calls it the British version of "up the creek without a paddle". Later, after they pick up the pilot, Hogan explains the hitches in their mission and calls it a "sticky wicket". The pilot's (not sarcastic) response? "Well I sure hope I don't get marooned up the stream without an oar." The looks on Hogan, Newkirk, and Carter's face are priceless.
- The crew goes to rescue an Allied soldier that they more-or-less handed over to the Germans (It Makes Sense in Context) and who is held at Gestapo HQ in Hammelburg. The boys bluff their way in wearing German uniforms, and Carter pulls a gun on the man.
Carter: Alright. You wanna tell me what cell the English prisoner is in?
German Officer: Nine.
Carter: (mistaking it for a "Nein") So you won't talk, huh?
LeBeau: He means number nine, stupid. Let's go!
Carter: (to the Gestapo officer he has at gunpoint) I beg your pardon.
- SS General von Himmelburger goes on a rampage at the Hauserhof hotel...
- And then threatens to have everyone transferred to the Russian front - including the hotel itself!
- The episode where the boys are given the task to tie up the German General Staff...on D-Day. Their method? Their usual, the mutant offspring of the Kansas City Shuffle and Bavarian Fire Drill. However, today's special? Convincing the generals that Hitler is trying to find the most incompetent colonel in the German military to make him the new Army Chief of Staff. The colonel in question? Klink. Worse still is that it worked. Then when the calls start coming in that the Allies are invading, Klink calls the real Hitler for orders (his promotion coming from Kinch on the phone contingent upon him not giving any orders without Hitler's direction). He gets a general, just as confused as Klink about the whole mess (mainly because he hadn't heard anything about this). Then the general hangs up on him.
: General Bourneman...General Bourneman? [beat]
We've been cut off.
Schultz: Shall I try to get him back, Herr Kommandant?
- Usually when Hogan needs Klink out of the way, he scares him off with some story or distracts him with a female Underground agent. One episode however has him set Klink up with a "lovely, young, rich, lonely widow" which Klink falls for hook, line and sinker. At the end of the episode Hogan reveals that he never saw the girl and by virtue of name alone deduces that she has none of those desired qualities. Cue Klink coming in with two bottles of wine and a lovely, young, rich widow in the sidecar of his bike.
- The boys get a shot-down Russian pilot smuggled into camp who insists on going back to Russia, instead of along the normal escape route to England. The crew has no ties in that direction, so how do they get him to Russia? By dressing him up as a German and having him transferred to the Russian Front.
- Also from that episode, the Russian pilot is very patriotic and eager to get back to the fighting. So in order to keep him from running away while Hogan comes up with a plan, the heroes ask him whats so great about Russia. Half an episode and one new escape plan later, he's only about half-way done with his story. Newkirk and LeBeau, who were unlucky enough to be his audience, are practically asleep.
- The best pasrt is that Carter, also part of the Russian's audience, is still listening with rapt attention.
- The crew needs to stop a fake double of a friend of Hogan's from escaping from Stalag 13 to assassinate Winston Churchill.
Hogan: We can't bust Robby out until we're sure we have his double stopped.
Newkirk: Well that's no problem, sir. You just give me one of our guns and I'll put a nice neat hole right between his eyes. Now that might not stop him, but it'll sure slow him down a bit!
- Hogan is berating Klink (again) and trying to pull another Bavarian Fire Drill to get him away from his office so they can copy some papers in his safe.
Hogan: Who's running this camp?
Klink: [dejectedly] You are.
- "Gowns By Yvette" gives us Schultz in a wedding dress. That is all.
- The sheer amount of chutzpah that Hogan uses to get by in the camp sometimes is ridiculous.
Klink: What do you want, Hogan?
Hogan: Whatever you're drinking.
- A shot-down Russian pilot is dropped off with the Heroes and initially believes that they are the enemy, holding a gun on them.
Iggy: How do I know you are telling truth?
Hogan: How do you know we're not?
Iggy: [lowers the gun]
- And if you watch carefully, Iggy gives the gun to Kinch — he STILL doesn't trust any of the other Heroes.
- Carter impersonates Hitler to get some film out of camp and to the Underground.
Carter: [sees Schultz] What is this? I gave the order, no more barrage balloons!
: [leaving the camp and receiving heils from Klink and Schultz]
Yes, yes, by all means. [Aside Glance]
- The Heroes need to rescue four major Underground leaders being held at Stalag 13 by the Gestapo. How? They make the Germans at the Stalag think the war is over. And it works.
- Hogan and Klink fly a stolen plane, when Hogan cuts off the engine and leads Klink to believe that they ran out of fuel in midflight; Hogan says they'll half to jump. Klink frantically dangles from the cockpit, freaking out and afraid to jump, so Hogan tells him, "Okay! We'll stick together then, pal!" Hogan pries Klink's hands loose, while Klink plummets down to earth, letting out an unrealistically calm-sounding, "Hoooooooooooooooooooooogaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
- Earlier in the episode, the two are in an RAF airbase. Klink is impersonating an RAF officer so they can steal a P-51. Hogan is going along on the mission to help compromise the German spy network in England. A colonel comes in to speak with Hogan (who is shaving) while Klink is in the shower.
Col. Forbes: Good luck, Hogan.
Hogan: [sighs as Klink starts singing in German in the shower] I'll need it!
- Klink's window-rattling Big "WHAT?!" during "Monkey Business."
Klink: When I looked out that window, I could swear I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Hogan: Well, if it'll make you feel any better, there is a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
That's what I thought. Well, that's it, I need to see a psychiatrist. [Beat] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!
- Hogan asks London for a million dollars in diamonds so he can pay off a crooked Gestapo agent who has them over a barrel.
Kinch: I just got the answer from London. Supreme Allied Headquarters, London, To Colonel Robert Hogan, Stalag 13. Regarding your request for $1 million in diamonds. Quote: Are you nuts? Unquote.