- The entire conversation that Castor and Pollux have after Castor-as-Archer decides to get Pollux out by cutting him a "deal" to "locate" Sinclaire.
[Castor comes into the interrogation room sporting a grin on his face. He switches off the microphone]
Castor Troy: You're supposed to be snitching and making me look good.
Pollux Troy: Look good?
Castor Troy: Mmm-hmm.
Pollux Troy: Seeing that face on you makes me afraid my tiramisu might come back up.
Castor Troy: Well, think about me. This nose. This hair. This ridiculous chin. Brother, we're going straight.
Pollux Troy: Ooh, my goodness. Did you exchange brains as well?
Castor Troy: The first thing I need you to "confess" to is the location of the bomb.
Pollux Troy: What about our $10 million?
Castor Troy: What about "when I become an American hero for defusing the bomb?" What's the worth? Know that, thank you! Next question?
[The two laugh. Castor wags a finger in Pollux's face]
Castor Troy: You're not the only one in the family with the brains.
Pollux Troy: No. Although now I am the only one with the looks.
- When Castor-as-Archer begins to suspect his "wife" knows something.
Castor Troy: Lies, deceit, mixed messages... this is turning into a real marriage.
- Dietrich's comment "No more drugs for that man" when Archer-as-Castor has an averse reaction to the drugs that the real Castor normally takes.
- Castor walking in on Jamie and saying "The plot thickens."
- The prison fight where Archer-as-Castor has to psych himself up and convince not only Pollux that he is the real deal, but the rest of the prisoners. The scene where Cage goes bug-eyed in particular is the Funny Moment.
- "Dad, I'm sorry I shot you."
- The prison has a very large jumbotron in the cafeteria that runs nature landscapes 24 hours a day (supposedly as a method of keeping the prisoners from revolting). Pollux Troy and Burke Hicks have differing opinions on it.
I wish they would show those salmon spawning scenes again, I find them intensely erotic. Burke Hicks:
nature channel. One more waterfall, I'm gonna foam at the mouth
. Pollux Troy:
It's like they're begging us to riot. [sees Archer-as-Castor]
- Castor Troy is driving to Archer's house, he looks with utter derision and disbelief at all the pleasant, nice looking houses with mowed lawns and white picket fences as he drives by and "Don't Lose Your Head" by INXS plays on the radio.
Castor Troy: Look at this place! I'm in hell! I may never get a hard on again!
[Eve is leaving the house and about to get in her car and hears the music. Castor glances at her as he drives past. Realizing his error, he slams on the brakes, causing the music to stop. He looks back at Eve in the rearview mirror]
Castor Troy: Oh, yes. Here we go. [He speedily backs his car up to the curb in front of his house. He then lowers his aviators in a suggestive way, rolls down the window and climbs out of the car]
Dr. Eve Archer: Well I suppose it was only a matter of time before you forgot where we lived.
Castor Troy: Come on, give me a break. Every house on this block looks the same. [walks around Eve] But then I saw you....Eve. My one and only Eve.
Dr. Eve Archer: So how was your vital assignment?
Castor Troy: Which one is that?
Dr. Eve Archer: [scoffs] How should I know, Sean? [beat]
Castor Troy: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! The uh, the out-of-body experience, yes. That one.
- When Castor wakes up after the surgery and has the doctor who gave him his face-ectomy hauled back to the clinic, the doctor fearfully asks what he wants. We then see Castor's faceless mug appear in the reflection of his glasses to reply:
Castor Troy: ...Take one God damn guess.
- Archer and Castor are fighting each other on a runaway speedboat, and have a simultaneous Oh, Crap! when they both look up to realize the boat is about to run into something and get launched into the air.
- In Castor Troy's first scene, he plants a big bomb he calls "Sinclaire", arms it, then walks away dancing (and headbanging for some reason) to a choir singing the Hallelujah chorus, then stops upon seeing a blonde choir girl, who drops her sheet music as he approaches her with a grin and open arms.
Castor Troy: You know I never even enjoy the Messiah. In fact I think it's fucking boring. But your voice makes even hack like Handel seem like a genius...
- Castor then proceeds to grope the girl. His subsequent o-face is just priceless black comedy.
- Once Castor assumes Archer's face, the first thing he does (after killing everyone with knowledge of Archer's real appearance, of course), is visit Archer in the prison, just to rub it in. The scene, essentially, is John Travolta giving a masterclass in hammy acting as he channels everything Nicolas Cage has already supplied to Castor Troy's personality.
Castor Troy: Ooooo-WEE you're good-lookin'! Ya hot!
Castor Troy: It's like looking in a mirror, only not.
Sean Archer: Troy?
Castor Troy: Now that is between us, OK?
Sean Archer: But you were—were, uh-in-in-in-
Castor Troy: In a coma? Nothing like having your face cut off to disturb your sleep! Read the newspaper lately? [thrusts an article in Archer's face headlined "Deadly Inferno at Walsh Institute", with Dr. Walsh's picture]
Sean Archer: You killed them?
Castor Troy: Yeah well. Beats paying the bill, huh? I mean, come on, uh, if a face lift costs five grand...[shows Archer's wedding ring on his hand] ...see anything you like!!??? [Cut to Miller, Dr. Walsh, and Tito, all bound and gagged, and being doused with gasoline]
Sean Archer: Tito! [Castor drops his cigarette lighter into a puddle of gasoline, from which large flames erupt]
Castor Troy: I torched all the evidence that proves you're you, okay? So, wow! [looks at watch] Looks like you're going to be in here for THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!! Now, I have got to go. I've got a government job to abuse and a [whispers into Archer's ear] lonely wife to fuck. Oh, I'm sorry...make love to! God, I miss that face! [He licks the side of Archer's face. Archer promptly grabs Castor by the neck, throws him to the floor, and attempts to strangle him]
- The climactic Mexican Standoff, which keeps getting more and more ridiculous with all the people joining in, until Castor just says "Whee, what a predicament!"