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The Harry Potter fanfic:
- Harry trying to guess what each subject is about by its name. He decides "Herbology" is about dissecting people named Herb, "Transfiguration" has something to do with cross-dressing, and "Charms" is learning how to flirt. He's disappointed to learn he couldn't be more wrong.
- Lucius's spymaster arranges to meet him in a men's bathroom. Lucius is not amused.
- Severus writing a letter about Harry to Fudge and pretending it's from Lucius. Fudge then goes and thanks Lucius for bringing the matter to his attention. Lucius doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Lily and James posthumously getting their revenge on Dumbledore by bequeathing him "Bertie Botts' Every Flavour But Lemon Drop Beans". Dumbledore's reaction is just as funny.
The TV Show
- In the first episode, when Cookie reaches out to Hakeem and explains how everything she did was for him and his brothers, he cruelly brushes her off with "You want a medal, bitch?" Cookie grabs his broom and utterly beats his ass.
Cookie: WHAT I WANT. IS SOME. RESPECT!!
- And after that, Lucious sees Hakeem's bruises and remarks "I see you met your mother."
- In the second episode, a video of Hakeem drunkenly ranting against Barack Obama goes viral, and Lucious personally calls Obama to apologize. Although we don't actually hear their conversation, it's evident that Lucious got cussed out, and hung up on, by the President of the United States.
- In the second episode, Lucious and Anika give rapper Kid Fo-Fo advice on how to handle the controversy surrounding the lyrical content of his music in the board room, Cookie simply marches in and gives the opinion that they should just fire him because she considers him terrible anyway. This starts off a small exchange between Cookie and Kid Fo-Fo, and the two nearly come to blows before Lucious personally escorts her out of the board room.
Kid Fo-Fo: And who's this stupid bitch!?Cookie: Someone who'd never have given birth to your ugly ass!
- In "The Lyon Roars," when Andre and Rhonda decide to seduce a boardmember and her husband to secure her vote to name Andre as interim CEO, Rhonda quickly sours on the idea (and their "games" in general) when the husband in question turns out to be a Dirty Old Man. The look on her face when he leers at her from his motorized wheelchair is priceless, especially since Andre's attitude was basically "Take one for the team while I do this hot Latina."
- Cookie's nickname for Camilla being "Yoko Ono" due to her influencing Hakeem's music.
Cookie: What can you do, Yoko? Can you play the tambourine?
- "The Devils Are Here":
Cookie: I thought I told you to sleep with her!Anika: I did!Cookie: You can't even dyke right.
- Cookie gets Anika to seduce lesbian billionaire Mimi Whiteman for her financial backing, but the plot fails when Mimi ends up siding with Lucious anyway, leading to Cookie's priceless reaction:
Anika: Actually, my name is—Cookie: Anita, dance with her!
- For that matter, Anika being the Butt-Monkey throughout the episode was hilarious, such as Mimi accidentally calling her "Anita" and Cookie just goes with it.
Hakeem: (incredulous) This ain't even your house!
- Jamal throwing his family out of the family home isn't funny, but Hakeem's priceless reaction is.
- "The Fires of Heaven":
Hakeem: Where'd you learn all that?Cookie: Prison.
- Cookie's Drill Sargent Nasty choreography routine with Mirage a Trois. She even makes them do push ups to whip them into order. And it works.
- "Poor Yorick"
Cookie: Oh, you know what!? Call me that again and I'll snatch your tongue out of your throat. Grandpa!Lucious: Grandma! Grandma!Cookie: Shut up! Look at your fat stomach! Tell me a grandma that got an ass like this.
- Despite being ecstatic at the prospect of becoming a grandmother (for real this time), Cookie does not appreciate Lucious mocking her age and figure. So, she mocks him right back.
- She slaps her ass on the way out, too. And Lucious looks more than a little upset at her comment about his fat stomach.