Funny / Crazy Ex Girlfriend Season 1

Season One

Episode 1: Josh Just Happens to Live Here!

• When Rebecca is about to get a promotion, she has a panic attack and goes outside to pray...except she doesn't believe in God, she "believes in science." She still prays and then says, "Ah-men. Ay-men. Ah men?"
• When she begins singing "West Covina", she tosss her blazer and a confused passerby catches it.
• During the "Sexy Getting Ready Song," when A Wild Rapper Appears!, he starts his verse...and then looks at all the stuff women use to get ready and finds it horrifying, calling it "patriarchal bullshit." Then he says, "I gotta go apologize to some bitches. I’m forever changed by what I just seen."
  • Said rapper reappears in the tag calling and apologizing to various "bitches".
  It was wrong of me to tell you what to do with that big fat butt. You can wiggle it, or you can keep it in school to pursue that degree in communications.
  • Even better, he's crossing them all off a list headed "Bitches to apologize to".

Episode 2: Josh's Girlfriend is Really Cool!

• Valencia's first line is her Establishing Character Moment.
  Valencia: Why is Greg talking to a homeless?
• Rebecca: [whispering] You smell like roasted corn.
  Valencia: What?
  Rebecca: I SAID YOU SMELL LIKE ROASTED CORN!
• The entirety of "Feeling Kinda Naughty," but especially this verse: "Break into your mom's house, steal your baby teeth and make them into my new retainer. I WANT YOUR SMILE!"

Episode 3: I Hope Josh Comes to My Party!

• As Young Rebecca is singing "I Have Friends", somebody throws a slice of pizza at her from off-screen, showing how unpopular she was at school. When Rebecca takes over the song in the present day on the streets of West Covina, pizza is thrown at her, too, implying that even in a city she's recently moved to, where she barely knows anyone, people still dislike her on sight.
• In "A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes," all of the different Joshes are dressed like different members of the boy band. But they aren't just a boy band... they are also health care professionals specializing in personality and sleep disorders. (Rebecca and Kid Rebecca both go wild over them.)
• Mrs. Hernandez, Rebecca's mute co-worker, apparently does parkour on her down time.
• Paula advises Rebecca to face her fears, like how if your house is on fire, filling up with smoke, and you're afraid of the flames, you should face your fears, stay put and take a deep breath; or run with scissors, or play in the street, or any number of other horribly dangerous activities.
• Rebecca deliberately jamming her garbage disposal with pieces of fried chicken as an excuse to call Josh to come and help fix it; later on, she leaves a message on his phone that she's cancelling the party because she feels ill after eating the "garbage disposal fried chicken".
• The grocery store clerk with half an eyelid.
  Clerk: A lot of people think it's a congenital thing, but actually, I lit a cigarette using a gas burner. So not very smart, right? Lesson learned!
• Darryl hopped up to the gills after smoking what he thought was a 'menthol cigarette'. Rebecca points out to him that it was more likely meth.
  Darryl: Well, you know, that'd explain why I've been digging a hole in the backyard for the last hour. But it's still fun! Hey, Megan, honey, let's clean something.
• Rebecca and Young Rebecca talking about the future and in particular the future of Rebecca's boobs.
  Rebecca: [enthusiastic] So, at Yale, you're gonna be editor in chief of the law journal.
  Young Rebecca: Sounds great, back to the boobs for a second, when you say 14, are we talking by my birthday party? Are we talking swimsuit season? Also, do they float?
  Rebecca: Yeah.
  Young Rebecca: [Fist Pump] Nice! Girl with Mustache owes me ten dollars.

Episode 4: I'm Going On a Date With Josh's Friend!

• Rebecca getting ready for a one night stand: "Maybe I won’t wear any underwear, and that way he’ll just smell my pheromones. Like a lion."
• At the end of "Settle For Me", Greg catches Rebecca and lowers her into a dip, Astaire-and-Rogers style. They stay like that for quite a long moment.
  Greg: Can you hurry up and decide? A dip is kinda supposed to be a quick thing.
  Rebecca: [considering] Uuuuuummmmmmmmm...

Episode 5: Josh And I Are Good People!

• Karen, Rebecca's co-worker, is so weird. She has a pet snake with terminal cancer and a YouTube channel. When we finally see her YouTube channel in The Stinger, she tested out a "period cup." "My cup...runneth over."
• "I'm A Good Person" is very funny, but the explicit version is outrageous:
  I’m a good person, yes it’s true
  I'm a good person, better than you
  I’m a good person, can’t you see
  Doctors Without Borders don’t have shit on me.
  
  I’m a good person all over the place,
  I cum my good right into your face.
  Everybody says I’m one good ass chick,
  And if you don’t think so you can lick
  My balls. Which, again, are filled with good.
  

Episode 6: My First Thanksgiving With Josh!

• Rebecca is in the bathroom listening to Josh and Valencia have a fight. And then they stop fighting and...there's a noise. Rebecca doesn't know what it is at first: "Is it a tiny trampoline, or a ghost with a rusty knee?" And then she realizes it: it's Josh and Valencia having sex.
• Rebecca, running into her home after eating all the Filipino food: "Clench, Becky! Clench!"
• And then later: "My butthole is a gateway to Hell."
• Rebecca's fantasy of herself as a posh, Deborah Kerr-alike English girl, surrounded by Josh's adoring family.^note "Would I like to be surrounded by the unconditional love of a hundred Filipinos? Of course I would." Which goes epically wrong when her own life intrudes into the fantasy:
  Girl: [hopping onto Rebecca's lap] Another story, Miss Rebecca!
  Rebecca: 'Twas the night of the Dunster House Formal. The place? Harvard. The year? 2008. I remember it specifically because I had a Barack Obama bobble-head perched on my nightstand. And as I was being rhythmically trashed by a junior visiting from the Brown improv troupe, the bobble-head nodded up and down as if to say, "Yes, yes, you have made another terrible decision, you silly, weak woman."
  Girl: [jumping off Rebecca, appalled] Mommy! [runs away crying]
  Rebecca: [scowling] I was out of stories!

Episode 7: I'm So Happy That Josh is So Happy!

• Valencia needs sage in order to cleanse their new house of evil spirits: "Ghosts are obsessed with me."
• And the sage Josh brings back is actually the sage you eat, not the sage you cleanse houses with.
• All of Josh's friends saying that it's not too late to back out...of the table they bought. They were friends before...the table. In fact, they all hate...the table. "This table is going to ruin your life."
• And then Hector says an entire monologue about pulling out...of parking spaces, that is. His entire speech turns out to be Double Entendre after Double Entendre. Here it is in all its glory:
  Hector: The nicest thing I ever did for a girl was pull out. [...] She has tandem parking, so if I'm there for a while I have to pull out, which is such a pain, 'cause it feels so great just to leave it in there. The worst is when it's alternate side of the street parking, 'cause then I gotta park it in back. I don't even get why there's a spot back there. It's so tight. Feels more like an exit. So then I'm goin' front, back, front, back, and it's all dirty in the back, so when I move it to the front, then that gets all dirty. I'm just happy I have a spot at all. 'Cause I used to pay.
  • Josh, White Josh, and Greg's expressions during this monologue make it even better.

Episode 8: My Mom, Greg's Mom, and Josh's Sweet Dance Moves!

• The first proper entrance of Tovah Feldshuh, the epitome of the Jewish Mother, as Rebecca's mom Naomi, singing "Where's the Bathroom?"
  Naomi Bunch: Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? I need to use the bathroom.
  Tell me that you have a bathroom in this hovel you call home.
  I don't know which was bumpier, the plane ride or the taxi,
  All these freeways are a nightmare, where's my purse? I need my comb.
  By the way you're looking healthy, and by healthy, I mean chunky
  I don't mean that as an insult I'm just stating it as fact.
  I see your eczema is back.
  Are you using the lotion that I sent you? If you're not gonna use it, I'll return it to the store.
  God, I give you everything and still you just want more, more, more, more, more.
• During the big Christmas song number at the end, Rebecca sings about Chestnuts roasting ... and a guy named Chet walks past with a bowl of nuts and a speedo. If you listen closely (or read the subtitles), you realize she's actually singing about Chet's nuts.
  Put on some pants, Chet!
• Also, the entire song about how California does Christmas right:
  And what would Christmas be without
  historically low mountain snow
  Causing staggering drought?
  But hey, this eggnog froyo's super tight!
  Super tight!
• Donna Lynne Champlin playing a British Jewish version of Paula. It's amazing.
  • What's especially funny is that Paula's idea of what the character would be like conforms to no known stereotype of British Judaism — it's just an insane mashup of Elizabeth II and Yiddish as a Second Language.^note There are just over a quarter of a million Jewish people in Britain, widely diverse in origin and class and background, but only about four thousand of them typically use Yiddish.
  Naomi Bunch: They don't even have English Breakfast tea.
  BritishJewish!Paula: Ghastly! I bet if you asked him for a crumpet he would plotz.

Episode 9: I'm Going to the Beach with Josh and His Friends!

• Josh, Valencia, Hector, White Josh and Greg talking about the movie.
  Josh: I totally relate to Chad, the sensitive jock who eats clean and journals hard.
  Hector: Yeah, and I'm so the bad-boy rich kid who sleeps with that hot girl in remission.
  Valencia: And I am so exactly like that caring nurse who donated her bone marrow.
  Greg: You didn't feel any connection to the vain yoga instructor?
  Valencia: She was fat.
• Greg considers himself "the Seinfeld of the beach."
• "Women Gotta Stick Together."
  Valencia: Some girls are born tall and thin
  Some are short and fat
  This girl smells like sausages
  But there's nothing wrong with that!
  Women got to stick together
  All across this land
  Except Denise Martinez
  That bitch I cannot stand. [smiles at a woman nearby] Oh, hey, Denise!
  Denise: Hey, girl!
• Paula is reminding Rebecca about all her failed attempts to get close to Josh in the previous episodes:
  Paula: You are just setting yourself up for another one of your disasters!
  Rebecca: What do you mean ANOTHER one of my disasters?
  Paula: Taco festival, the Spider’s debacle, getting stuck in your shrink’s doggy door, begging a client to sleep with your mother, and lest we forget POOPSGIVING?
  Rebecca: Those were unfortunate, but random, occurrences!
  

Episode 10: I'm Back at Camp with Josh!

• Paula is preparing Rebecca to go to camp:
  Paula: You just need to use what God gave you.
  Rebecca: My charm and my wit?
  Paula: That’s a weird name for your boobs.
  Rebecca: My boobs’ names are Bonnie and Clyde. My ovaries names are Hustle and Flow.
  Paula: Nice!

Episode 11: That Text Was Not Meant for Josh!

• Father Brah practising his basketball shots while giving Paula and Scott relationship advice.
  Fr Brah: Scott, Paula — be the boat, not the hole. Nobody likes a hole. Everybody likes a swoosh! [shoots ball at hoop, misses] It's really off today.
• Rebecca is lending her hard drive to Heather, so she tells Greg, "Tell Heather not to open the folder labeled 'Taxes.' If she's looking for porn, there's a folder named 'Porn.' It's the good kind, with plots. That's why the hard drive is so big."
• Paula finally tells her husband Scott all about Rebecca...by saying the theme song. And it's followed by the title card — forty minutes into the episode (which is subtly set up by the fact that the theme song and title card were previously missing).
• Paula tells everyone at the meeting about Rebecca's wrong text...and they all agree that it's more important that the meeting and everyone puts forth ideas of what she could do. This becomes even funnier when everyone at the meeting turns into a hair metal band to sing "Textmergency."
  • And the band disagrees with itself about whether "textmergency" or "textastrophe" is a better word. In song.
  Connie Cavanagh (lead guitar): Wait, what about textastrophe? / That sounds better to me! / Textastrophe! / That could really spread virally!
  Judge (lead vocals): I prefer textmergency.
  Rebecca's client (bass guitar): I accidentally texted my mother-in-law / A picture of my erection.
  Connie's client (drums): I once group texted my whole staff / About my yeast infection.
  Judge: Exactly! It’s so relatable, / that’s why I coined the phrase...
  Connie Cavanagh: Textastrophe! That’s the meme, don’t you agree?
  Judge: All due respect, Textmergency / is the better term, Miss C.
  Connie Cavanagh: Hmmm, I wanna go with textastrophe / I already put it on Urban Dictionary.
  • And the ghost of Steve Jobs appears, and tells them that the best word is "messagepocalypse".
  Judge, Connie, both clients: Get out of here, Steve Jobs!
• The judge from the meeting reveals in the tag that he left his wife for a prostitute, a callback to the butter slogan guy who did the same thing in a previous tag.

Episode 12: Josh and I Work on a Case!

• "Group Hang" starts with Rebecca lamenting that Josh's friends have crashed their intimate dinner, but she keeps getting distracted by the uncertain ethnicity of the food and As Long as It Sounds Foreign nature of the chorus.
  Chorus: Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Español! Arriba Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Español! Arriba Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, Español! Arriba Guadalajara Sicily!
  Rebecca: That's not in Mexico!
• When Rebecca decides to reject the million dollar settlement offer, everyone gasps...including the window washer. Rebecca has to remind him that they talked about this before closing the blinds. And then The Tag at the end shows a group of window washers at Home Base gathering to discuss gossip they heard.
  • The window washers also reference the prostitute that's been breaking up marriages all over the city, a callback to several tags in previous episodes.
• Darryl realizing that he is a "bothsexual": he goes to a fitness class and looks at both male and female butts.

Episode 13: Josh and I Go to Los Angeles!

• Rebecca on why Trent will eventually want to break up with her:
  Rebecca: Look, this guy's fine. I knew a million guys like him in college, trust me. He's into all this now [gestures to herself], and then he'll see me eat a piece of ham off the ground and he'll move on.
• White Josh on not going back into the closet: "I didn’t come out until I was 12. Those were some tough years."
• Darryl being unable to talk to White Josh without using a fake French accent.
• "I own my own computer programming firm, and I almost invented Twitter, but I thought, eh, no one's going to use that."
  • Trent generally:
    Rebecca: Are you blackmailing me?
    Trent: [uncomfortable smile] Oh, you know what they say, one person's blackmailing is another person's love story.
    Rebecca: Who says that?!
    Trent: Me.
• Heather wants to work at Home Base, because she thinks it's awesome: "A sports bar with kids running around, where the moms look like hookers and the hookers look like moms."
• Kevin hitting it off with Heather.
  Kevin: So tell me why you want to work here.
  Heather: Well, Greg and I thought it'd be fun to hang out and spend time together and maybe hook up in the stockroom in our spare time.
  Greg: [laughs] We, we didn't say that.
  Heather: Yeah, we did.
  Kevin: I like her honesty! It's terrific. And you can bang it out in the stockroom whenever you want.
  Greg: Okay, that's not hot any more.
• Heather herself might be bothsexual: when she sees Rebecca in the courtroom, she says, "I'd bang that gavel."
• The entirety of the "JAP Battle." There are so many Jewish references in the song, just try to find them all.
• Trent drew Rebecca a bath and massaged her feet: "It wasn’t weird. I wore a bathing suit." And then the next night he slept at the foot of her bed, "like a dog." But again, it wasn't weird! She wore a bathing suit again.
• Paula thinks that Trent looks like "if two Kennedy cousins mated."
• When Trent begins to read his letter to Rebecca, the music to Dear Joshua Felix Chan plays, showing just how much Trent really cares about Rebecca. She just says "Nope" and slams the door on him.

Episode 14: Josh is Going to Hawaii!

• Josh, guilt-stricken over his kiss with Rebeccca, goes to Father Brah for guidance. Father Brah tells him a story about how he killed the class bunny and blamed it on his baby brother:
  Father Brah: I blamed my baby brother for that baby bunny body.
  Josh: Dude, are you stoned right now?
  Father Brah: I've got a bad back, it's awesome.
• Rebecca says that she sees herself as being in a fairy tale where she's the Princess and Valencia is the evil witch...and Paula is the talking raccoon. But don't worry, Paula the Raccoon has the breakout song (which we actually see a bit of in The Tag).
• Darryl being a hilariously unpleasant Jerkass to Maya the administrative assistant.
• The depths Rebecca will stoop to in order to get a decent price for her couch.
  Couch guy: I'll give you ten.
  Rebecca: Ten thousand? Oh, my gosh, that's amazing. You won't be sorry. The guy at the store said it had, like, smart cushioning or some—
  Couch guy: No, ten dollars. And if you lie down naked on it, I'll give you an extra 25. [Rebecca looks disgusted] I don't even need to be here, I'll step out. I just need to know that it happened.
  Rebecca: Okay, buddy, just leave. Get out. [He turns to go] ...And come back in a minute. [He looks at her hopefully] Being naked's not a problem for me.
  [He leaves. She sits down, sighs and starts to unbutton her blouse.]
• Rebecca's way of celebrating going to Hawaii is to get some doughnuts at the Chinese place. Valencia's way of celebrating that Josh is going to propose to her is to go and smell the doughnuts at the Chinese place.
• During "I'm the Villain in My Own Story", Rebecca and Valencia are hamming it up as the Witch and the Princess. Then:
  Valencia: [dramatically] Not Prince Josh! Anything but Prince Josh! Why are you doing this? [sweetly] I'm Kate Hudson.
  Rebecca: [normal voice] We're doing the witch and the princess thing. Okay? Just go with it.
  Valencia: [eye roll, normal voice] Okay, so, fine, [wailing] I'm the princess! Why, why are you doing this to me?
  • Rebecca realizing her own Evil Laugh.
• "Rebecca! The mayor doesn't have all day! Well, maybe he does. He probably does. But he's out here."

Episode 15: Josh Has No Idea Where I Am!

• Dr. Akopian asks Rebecca how she came to be living in West Covina in the first place. Rebecca turns and looks straight into the camera with a sublime "Oh, for fuck's sake" expression. Cue theme song.
• "Dream Ghosts". It's the combination of the utterly straightforward lyrics of the first verse and Rebecca being so absolutely thrilled that she's being sung to like this:
  Dream Ghost Dr. Akopian: You know the trope,
  In storytelling it's a norm.
  When a person's in trouble a manifestation of their subconscious appears in the form, of a
  Dream ghost, giving advice you kind of already knew, I'm a
  Dream ghost, I'm really just your mind working things through!
  It's not clear if I'm hallucinated or actually magic,
  Let's leave it vague, it's more interesting that way.
  • Followed by Rebecca Comically Missing the Point:
    Rebecca: Wow, I had no idea.
    Dream Ghost Dr. Akopian: That ghosts exist?
    Rebecca: No, that a health plan could exclude dental. I mean, many basic health problems start with gingivitis.
• "Now I have to be nicer to my mom. Boo."
• Dream Ghost Dr. Akopian is trying to tell Rebecca about how she was in love with a musical, but Rebecca keeps thinking its about some guy she overlooked. Finally, fed up, Dr. Akopian says, "Forget about the guys! That’s the worst part about being a ghost and working with women. So much talk about the guys. It’s not the guys! FORGET THE GUYS!"
• And then, later on, she says, "Do you know how hard it is to pass The Bechdel Test when you're a Dream Ghost?"
• Paula calls Greg "super hot." Josh, confused, asks Darryl if Greg is super hot. "Well, yeah, if you like angry."
• Darryl is worried that Rebecca got catfished by a drug smuggler because he's been binge-watching a show called Catfished by a Drug Smuggler on the new Catfishing channel. Yes: an entire channel about catfishing.
• When Rebecca wakes up, the real Dr. Akopian says that she's been watching Broad City. "Those girls just don't care."

Episode 16: Josh's Sister is Getting Married!

• The entire song "Heavy Boobs," all about how difficult it is to have heavy boobs. Including the fact that they are "dense like dying stars" and if you cut them open, they are just "bags of yellow fat." And then, in the middle of the song, Rebecca goes into a lecture about how stars dying, first turning into Red Giants and then into White Dwarfs.
• Greg's insistent that Emory was the "Harvard of the south." Everyone else thinks it's actually Vanderbilt or Duke.
• And then Josh's mom says that Rebecca helped her daughter write an essay to get into Harvard...but the essay turned out to be better than the actual application (which also happened to Josh himself for a job), so instead she got into Cal State Northridge, "which is the Harvard of Northridge!"
• Greg's dating advice, which comes from a place beyond despair:
  Marty: Are you sure this is a good idea?
  Greg: Dude, she doesn't like you. She's shown no interest. She's way into someone else. Why give up now? This is the right move!

Episode 17: Why Is Josh in a Bad Mood?

• Rebecca gets a UTI from all the sex she is having from Greg, so she explains what it is to him. He responds by singing an entire song about how he gave her a UTI, as if it was a grand accomplishment. When he asks her to sing along, she goes, "No, I'm not going to do that."
  • In mid-song, after singing "One night with me is pure ecstasy / 'cause I know just what you like / but you should know for a week or so / you won't be able to ride a bike!", he drops down on one knee before her, and the music cuts out:
    Greg: [solemnly] I'm so sorry if you have to cancel that spin class. I'll pay the cancellation fee, because I know a lot of times you have to book a specific bike in advance. [Beat, grins] Anyway— [music restarts]
• Meanwhile, Rebecca has her own song, "Oh My God I Think I Like You," all about how she's falling for Greg as they are having a lot of sex. Including a part where she describes their wedding on a hilltop, surrounded by ducks, and then they got onto a rowboat...as Greg is lowering her head downward so that she can, well, flambe his cockatoo.
  • Bonus gag: as his head pushes her downwards, she briefly glances at him offscreen and lifts a forefinger as if to say "Just a second, let me sing this line before I have to engage in fellatio."
• At the end, Rebecca is hospitalized due to her UTI. When Paula finds out it's because she was sleeping with Greg, she yells, "You're sleeping with GREG?!" loud enough to wake Rebecca up. Rebecca looks up, sees Paula, Greg, and Josh looking down, and then immediately tries to fake sleep again.
• The doctor at the end inappropriately makes a few jokes and then apologizes, saying that he's taking improv classes while his wife works late. He is played by Dan Gregor, the husband of Rachel Bloom, who, yes, does work late on the show. It becomes even funnier when Paula asks who Rebecca was sleeping with and the doctor looks around and decides to step away (because, of course, in real life, he is the one she's sleeping with).
  • The Doctor's jokes are...just wrong.
    Paula: Doctor, what's wrong with my cookie?
    Doctor: I don't know what's wrong with your cookie, but hers is a mess. [laughs] I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. It's her pee-hole that's been destroyed.
    Paula: What?
    Doctor: She has a UTI and didn't take any meds, so the infection went to her kidneys and, [imitates explosion] man down!
    Greg: You're a colorful doctor.
    Doctor: Thank you! I am taking standup classes at Claremont at night when my wife is working. ...I'm pretty alone at night.
    • His actual standup is even worse.
    Doctor: [pacing up and down on stage at a comedy club, in white coat] Lot of differences between men and women. Lot of differences, lot of differences. As a doctor, I notice a lot of differences, a lot of differences. Hey, you ever notice how when a male patient dies, he's all like [flatlining tone] But when a female patient dies, she's like, "beep, beep, beep"! [chuckles]

Episode 18: Paula Needs to Get Over Josh!

• Greg has gone to get a balloon for Rebecca, who is in the hospital. He runs into Josh, who has picked out flowers. Josh criticizes his choice of balloon:
  Greg: This balloon is not stupid. It's genius. The Messiah is riding a unicorn over a rainbow. It's like the turducken of sympathy balloons.
• The extreme lengths that Paula went to help Rebecca are both hilarious and horrifying:
  Paula: Under Lourdes Chan's car is a tracking device that is keyed into a beeper in my desk at the office. I had to smuggle that device in from Armenia. I know where that woman is every hour of every day.
• Valencia going crazy with the silent Fist Pump-ing and mouthed "Yes"-s after Josh tells her that he knows she expects him to propose soon and he's getting there. She even goes full Tim Tebow.
• Rebecca is getting dressed for Jayma's wedding. Suddenly, a bird appears on the windowsill:
  Rebecca: Oh, hello. Are you here to help me get ready?
  Bird: [subtitles] What? No. What?
  Rebecca: [starts singing "One Indescribable Instant"]
  Bird: [subtitles] I just remembered I can fly. Peace, bitch!