- "To fight the Yeerks, Elfangor gives the kids the power to turn into any animal that they touch, because apparently a bird, a bear, an elephant, a tiger, and a gorilla can take down an entire alien army equipped with flying saucers and lasers and whatever ridiculous thing Visser Three is building this week."
- "Oh and Tobias gets trapped as a red-tailed hawk. He will spend the next ten or so books complaining about this even though he totally did it on purpose."
- Adam and Ifi discussing the cover:
Ifi: I think the full-body transformations were more awkward than just the heads
Adam: Well, that can be true, but I find it a bit strange how it is Jake's head and torso, and then for the rest of the transformation it just shows his head
Adam: Itís also a lot more cgi-ey then the other covers
Ifi: He morphs into just a head.
Adam: I see.
Adam: Now it all makes sense.
Adam: They could morph into individual body parts?
Adam: Suddenly that makes the scene in a later book where Rachel beats away a controller with her own severed arm even more awesome.
- Followed by a picture of the cover from the rewrite series◊ with the caption "Whatever, it's still better than whatever the hell this is meant to be."
- Discussing everyone getting only a few morphs:
Adam: I still think it was remarkably stupid of [Tobias] not to get a battle morph.
Adam: I mean, they were right there.
Ifi: Nobody got enough morphs.
Adam: They should have all gotten morphs of each thing.
Ifi: They were like, "Okay I got like one animal, we're good."
Ifi: You do not go home until you acquire every living thing in the Gardens.
Adam: Or even, "Okay, Marco took the gorilla. Well, I guess he has dibs on that one."
Ifi: And they were like, "Hey, look dolphins. Naw. When could those ever come in handy? It's not like we live in coastal California."
Ifi: Animorphs is about the action, first and foremost. I'm sure if it was YA it would be romance with a background of, "Like, aliens or something, but none of that is important compared to our LOVE."
Ifi: I hate the whole world.
- The last lines:
Ifi: Plus, we had different books aimed at us. Iíd never encountered anything like this before. My section of Borders was all about ponies and the magic of friendship.
Adam: I'm very sorry.
Ifi: You ought to be.
Ifi: Gimmie a break. I'm reading pdf's. Not all of us have spent over $400 in Animorphs merch.
Adam: Clearly you need to prioritize better
- The entirety of the redneck paragraph:
Ifi: We have the group flying around in bird morphs for the hell of it, when some rednecks start shooting at them. This came out of nowhere and seemed like it was basically thrown in there to preach about the evils of hunting.
Ifi: I mean, if you shoot at a bald eagle, you're a jackass. But this was just silly.
Adam: Those poor rednecks!
Adam: I felt sort of bad for them
Ifi: I didn't even know there were rednecks in California.
Adam: There are rednecks everywhere
Adam: Anyone could be a redneck
Adam: Even you
Adam: Fortunately, five kids have been granted the ability to turn into animals so that they can stop them
Ifi: All rednecks, everywhere?
Ifi: But seriously. I know it's just a throwaway scene, but there is no part of it that isn't completely ridiculous. They're in the back of a freaking pickup truck! Drinking beers! Shooting at endangered birds! Speaking in southern accents!
Adam: One has a pony tail
Ifi: Why is this in a book about aliens.
Adam: Guys drinking bear in a pickup truck and shooting endangered birds is pretty alien to me
Ifi: That's because you live on Long Island.
Adam: I do like that this book starts out all in medias res and the like
Ifi: And Rachel throws the gun into the ocean because guns are evil. This is incredibly ironic because she will go on to slaughter countless sentient aliens with her paws.
Adam: Well, she has the right to bear arms
Ifi: That was terrible.
Ifi: That was really terrible.
- After the scene where Rachel "gets accosted by some college guy":
Ifi: Yeah. That whole scene was just...what.
Ifi: I guess it was just an excuse for her to morph into a bear and scare the shit out of him, but it came off as awkward and forced and just WRONG.
Ifi: Elephant, rather.
Adam: She doesn't have bear yet
Ifi: wank wank wank
Adam: What I am wondering is just what sort of neighborhood this is
Ifi: No aspect of this scene makes sense.
Adam: It's enough that they have an alien invasion, but they also have hillbilly captain planet villains and errant rapists everywhere
Adam: The housing prices must be very cheap
Ifi: I'm gonna say fuck it, let the aliens HAVE earth.
Ifi: It clearly sucks.
Adam: It'll probably set them back more than anything
- The duo talks about how the color of the cat on the cover doesn't match the one described in the book, which segues into a snark at the new cover.
- The most action packed part of the book:
Adam: It is a bit funny that the most prominent action sequence in this book is a bunch of kids and a talking bird trying to catch a cat
Adam: It sounds like a plot out of sesame street
- The start of Visser Three's Alternative Character Interpretation as a guy obsessed with cats:
Adam: But yes
Adam: Visser Three is totally a cat person
Adam: I can completely picture him in a small apartment with nine or so cats
Ifi: It was pretty funny.
Adam: Giving some catnip to Mister Fuzzywinkles, or whatever the heck Applegate likes to call her cats
Adam: <Who's a little fuzzy head?! You is! Yes you is!>
Ifi: Oh dear.
Adam: Excuse me, I'm going to go make a Visser Three lolcat
- Followed by "[image removed for being unfunny]"
- As well as talking about how hammy Visser Three is:
Adam: It seems that Visser Three is completely unable to end his sentences with a period
Ifi: He's hamming it up.
Adam: He is such Saturday morning cartoon villain
Adam: <THIS CAT DISPLEASES ME! KILL IT NOW!>
Adam: <MY GRILLED CHEESE LACKS GOUDA! I WILL END YOU>
Adam: <MY PILLOW HAS NOT BEEN FLUFFED! NOW MEET YOUR END!>
Ifi: Are you done?
- On everybody failing to notice Visser Three landing a ship with no cloaking in broad daylight:
Ifi: So Rachel gets taken to Visser Three, who lands his ships right in the middle of the construction site with no cloaking whatsoever.
Adam: Subtlety, thy name is Visser Three
Ifi: No, seriously. Rachel just looks up and sees them.
Ifi: Apparently the rest of the city is blind and deaf and on vacation.
- On highly explosive spaceships:
Ifi: Oh right. They explode a Bug fighter by driving into it.
Adam: You'd think those things would be a bit more stable
Adam: I mean, flying out of the atmosphere puts a lot of strain on a vehicleThe earthmover had ground forward and slammed into one of the Bug fighters. The Bug fighter had exploded.
——Book Two, The VisitorIfi: That is incredibly poor design.
Adam: Itís like some sort of spaceship version of Every Car Is a Pinto