Funny / Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
- Alfred and Bruce in the Wayne Infirmary:
Alfred: "If it's suicide you're after, Master Bruce...I have the recipe for an old family potion, It's slow in working, and quite painful. You'd like it."
- And later in the same scene.
Bruce: "Shut up, Alfred."
- Alfred is The Snark Knight.
Alfred: Your accountants wait in the West Wing, sir.
Wayne: Tell them I'm sick.
Alfred: (mumbled under his breath)Shan't have to lie. That Refugee Charity called...
Wayne: Write them a check.
Alfred: and the Committee for the Prevention of Obsessive Behavior in Middle-Aged Men?
Wayne: Write them a check.
Alfred: Very good, sir. Your sense of humor is keen as ever, sir.
- Batman takes a phone call, and obviously plans to jump back into action immediately. An exasperated Alfred is seen pulling the Batsuit out of the washing machine.
Alfred: (grumbles) "He'll just have to wear it wet...."
- Batman leaves Carrie in the batcopter and specifically tells her not to touch the controls, or she's fired. She does anyway, reprogramming the voice controls to use cooler commands. Afterwards:
Carrie: I'm not fired?
Batman: *grins* You're not fired.
- "Property damage. Auto." (A voice command to the reprogrammed Batcopter to fire a missile at a car)
- For his final fight with Superman, Bats leaves Carrie to drive the Batmobile. When Supes rips it open, there she is, aiming her slingshot at him.
- "Rubber bullets. Honest."
- This exchange:
Plainclothes cop: "O'Halloran, ma'am, sixth precint. What've got?"
Commissioner Ellen Yindel: "It's not suicide, lieutenant. The girl with him is from Kyle Escort. She's been drugged. Shut the joint down... And pick up Selina Kyle."
O'Halloran: "Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am."
*O'Halloran goes away*
Another cop coming from another direction: "Commissioner... O'Halloran, ma'am, sixth precint."
*Yindel looks at O'Halloran with jaw dropped and realizes she just talked with Batman*
Yindel: "STOP THAT MAN!"
- From the animated movie, this Joker line. Doubly so if you think he was serious and wasn't joking.
Wolper: He's a victim of Batman's psychotic obsession.
Joker: (looks confused) ...I thought I was Batman's psychotic obsession.
- The Animated Movie also casts the talk show host (in the comic a David Letterman look-alike who told crummy jokes) with Conan O'Brien. The scene now contains so much dark, absurdly-awkward humor that you just know Conan had to have a hand in re-writing it.
Joker: I want people to get me.
Conan: Alright then.
Joker: (Slowly drinks out of Conan's mug) That's why I'm gonna kill everyone in this room.
Conan: Oooookay. That's a little more insight than we had in mind....