Funny / A Few Good Men

  • Kaffee's drunken monologue.
  • Kaffee is discussing the case at a bar with Ross who tells him that if Kaffee accuses Jessup or Kendrick of a crime without proper evidence, he'll be court-martialed. Then he tells Kaffee that the only reason he's even there was on the memory of his dad before walking out. Kaffee indignantly gets up and thinks for a second before just blurting out, "YOU'RE A LOUSY FUCKING SOFTBALL PLAYER, JACK!!!"
  • When they plan on putting Jessup on the stand, Kaffee does a dead on impression of one of Jessup's earlier lines. Further funny points because the entire scene was ad-libbed by Cruise.
  • When Weinberg was introduced to Galloway:
    Weinberg: I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.
  • Galloway being flatly told that she should leave so the others can talk about her behind her back.
  • Kaffee is practicing softball with his team when Lt. Spradling, another naval prosecutor, interrupts to talk to him about one of Kaffee's clients, who's being charged with possession and being under the influence while on duty.
    Kaffee: It was oregano, Dave. It was $10 worth of oregano!
    Spradling: Yeah, but your client thought it was marijuana.
    Kaffee: My client's a moron. That's not against the law.
    Spradling: Kaffee, I have people to answer to just like you do. I'm going to charge him.
    Kaffee: With what? Possession of a condiment?
  • Later, while Kaffee is practicing softball again, Galloway drops by to wonder why he's practicing softball and not worrying about his clients. Kaffee's response? "We need the practice."
    Galloway: That wasn't funny.
    Kaffee: It was a little funny.
    • Later in the same scene:
    Galloway: I don't think you're fit to handle the defense.
    Kaffee: You don't even know me. Ordinarily, it takes someone hours to discover I'm not fit to handle their defense. (off Joanne's Death Glare) Oh, come on, that was damn funny.
  • Jessup asks about Kaffee's dad:
    Kaffee: He passed away seven years ago.
    Jessup: Well don't I feel like the fucking asshole.
  • This exchange:
    Weinberg: Don't forget to wear the whites. Very hot down there.
    Kaffee: I don't like the whites.
    Weinberg: Nobody likes the whites. But we're going to Cuba. You got Dramamine?
    Kaffee: Dramamine keeps you cool?
    Weinberg: No, Dramamine keeps you from throwing up. You get sick when you fly.
    Kaffee: I get sick when I fly because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is gonna help.note 
    Weinberg: I got some oregano. I hear that works pretty good.
    • Becomes a Brick Joke when they get down to Cuba; Kaffee and Weinberg are told by Corporal Barnes, their driver, to put on jackets, because the Cubans might shoot anyone they see wearing a white uniform.
  • At the trial, Captain Ross shows Cpl. Barnes a copy of the handbook for Marines at Gitmo, and asks Barnes to show him where the section on "Code Reds" is, in order to point out (since Barnes says it's not in the book) there's no Marine policy to administer a code red. When Ross walks back to his table. Kaffee grabs the book out of his hand as he goes up to cross-examine.
    Kaffee: Corporal, would you turn to the page in this book that says where the mess hall is, please.
    Barnes: Well, Lt. Kaffee, that's not in the book, sir.
    Barnes: (confused) No, sir. Three squares a day, sir.
    Barnes: (even more confused) Well, I guess I just followed the crowd at chow time, sir.
  • When Markinson suggests transferring Santiago off the base:
    Tom: (comes inside) Sir!
    Jessep: Get me the President on the phone. We're surrendering our position in Cuba.
    Tom: (without any hesitation) Yes, sir. (starts to leave the room)
    Jessep: Wait a minute, Tom, don't get the President just yet.
    • What really sells it all is the lack of any signs of surprise whatsoever on part of Tom. One could tell he'd got used to Jessup's antics a long time ago.
  • This exchange between Kaffee and Weinberg on the latter's infant daughter:
    Weinberg: You're my witness: the baby spoke. She said a word.
    Kaffee: She made a sound.
    Weinberg: Come on! It was definitely a word. You heard her. She pointed and said "Pa".
    Kaffee: She was pointing at a mailbox.
    Weinberg: Yes. "Pa! Look, a mailbox".