* Kaffee's drunken monologue.
* Kaffee is discussing the case at a bar with Ross who tells him that if Kaffee accuses Jessup or Kendrick of a crime without proper evidence, he'll be court-martialed. Then he tells Kaffee that the only reason he's even there was on the memory of his dad before walking out. Kaffee indignantly gets up and thinks for a second before just blurting out, "YOU'RE A LOUSY FUCKING SOFTBALL PLAYER, JACK!!!"
* When they plan on putting Jessup on the stand, Kaffee does a dead on impression of one of Jessup's earlier lines. Further funny points because the entire scene was ad-libbed by Cruise.
* While the scene in question is astoundingly tense, it's also a little funny when [[spoiler: Jessup confesses]] because everyone in the court room looks like they've [[MassOhCrap shit themselves simultaneously.]]
* When Weinberg was introduced to Galloway:
--> '''Weinberg:''' I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.
* Galloway being flatly told that she should leave so the others can talk about her behind her back.
* Kaffee is practicing softball with his team when Lt. Spradling, another naval prosecutor, interrupts to talk to him about one of Kaffee's clients;
-->'''Spradling:''' We were supposed to meet in your office 15 minutes ago to talk about the [=McDermont=] case. You're stalling on this one. We get this done right now, or I mean it, Kaffee, I'm going to hang your boy from a farkin' yardarm!\\
'''Kaffee:''' Yardarm? Sherby, does the Navy still hang people from Yardarms?\\
'''Lt. Sherby''': I don't think so.\\
'''Kaffee:''' Dave, Sherby doesn't think the Navy hangs people yardarms anymore.\\
'''Spradling:''' I'm going to charge him with possession and being under the influence while on duty. You plead guilty I recommend 30 days in the brig with loss of rank and pay.\\
'''Kaffee:''' It was oregano, Dave. It was $10 worth of [[BrickJoke oregano!]]\\
'''Spradling:''' Yeah, but your client thought it was marijuana.\\
'''Kaffee:''' My client's a moron. That's not against the law.\\
'''Spradling:''' Kaffee, I have people to answer to just like you do. I'm going to charge him.\\
'''Kaffee:''' With what? Possession of a condiment?\\
'''Kaffee:''' Look, Dave, I tried to help you out of this but if you ask for jail time I'm going to file a motion to dismiss.\\
'''Spradling:''' You won't get it.\\
'''Kaffee:''' I will get it. And if the MTD is denied I'll file a motion in limine seeking an evidentary ruling in advance and then I'm going to file against pretrial confinement and you're going to [[BotheringByTheBook spend the next three months going blind on paperwork]] because a Signalman Second Class bought and smoked a dime bag of oregano.
* Later, while Kaffee is practicing softball again, Galloway drops by to wonder why he's practicing softball and not worrying about his clients. Kaffee's response? "We need the practice."
-->'''Galloway:''' That wasn't funny.\\
'''Kaffee:''' It was a little funny.
** Later in the same scene:
-->'''Galloway:''' I don't think you're fit to handle the defense.\\
'''Kaffee:''' You don't even know me. Ordinarily, it takes someone hours to discover I'm not fit to handle their defense. (''off Joanne's DeathGlare'') Oh, come on, that was damn funny.
* Jessup asks about Kaffee's dad:
--> '''Kaffee''': He passed away seven years ago.\\
'''Jessup''': [[FeeFiFauxPas Well don't I feel like the fucking asshole.]]
* This exchange:
--> '''Weinberg:''' Don't forget to wear the whites. Very hot down there.\\
'''Kaffee:''' I don't like the whites.\\
'''Weinberg:''' Nobody likes the whites. But we're going to Cuba. You got Dramamine?\\
'''Kaffee:''' Dramamine keeps you cool?\\
'''Weinberg:''' No, Dramamine keeps you from throwing up. You get sick when you fly.\\
'''Kaffee:''' I get sick when I fly because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is gonna help.[[note]] A rather ironic line, given that the actor delivering it is famous for essaying, among other roles, [[Film/TopGun a certain hotshot flyboy]]. And is a private pilot in real life. [[/note]]\\
'''Weinberg:''' [[BrickJoke I got some oregano.]] I hear that works pretty good.
** Becomes a BrickJoke when they get down to Cuba; Kaffee and Weinberg are told by Corporal Barnes, their driver, to put on jackets, because the Cubans might shoot anyone they see wearing a white uniform.
-->'''Kaffee:''' [[SarcasmMode Good call, Sam.]]
* At the trial, Captain Ross shows Cpl. Barnes a copy of the handbook for Marines at Gitmo, and asks Barnes to show him where the section on "Code Reds" is, in order to point out (since Barnes says it's not in the book) there's no Marine policy to administer a code red. When Ross walks back to his table. Kaffee grabs the book out of his hand as he goes up to cross-examine.
-->'''Kaffee:''' Corporal, would you turn to the page in this book that says where the mess hall is, please.\\
'''Barnes:''' Well, Lt. Kaffee, that's not in the book, sir.\\
'''Kaffee:''' [[ObfuscatingStupidity You mean to say in all your time at Gitmo you've never had a meal?]]\\
'''Barnes:''' (''confused'') No, sir. Three squares a day, sir.\\
'''Kaffee:''' [[ObfuscatingStupidity I don't understand. How did you know where the mess hall was if it's not in this book?]]\\
'''Barnes:''' (''even more confused'') Well, I guess I just followed the crowd at chow time, sir.
* When Markinson suggests transferring Santiago off the base:
-->'''Jessep:''' Hmmmm... transfer Santiago. Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that's the thing to do. Wait, I've got a better idea. [[SarcasmMode Let's transfer the whole squad off the base. Let's... On second thought, Windward! Let's transfer the whole Windward Division off the base. John, go on out there and get those boys down off the fence, they're packing their bags.]] (to the door) Tom!\\
'''Tom:''' (comes inside) Sir!\\
'''Jessep:''' Get me the President on the phone. We're surrendering our position in Cuba.\\
'''Tom:''' (without any hesitation) Yes, sir. (starts to leave the room)\\
'''Jessep:''' Wait a minute, Tom, don't get the President just yet.
** What really sells it all is the lack of any signs of surprise whatsoever on part of Tom. One could tell he'd got used to Jessup's antics a long time ago.
* This exchange between Kaffee and Weinberg on the latter's infant daughter:
-->'''Weinberg:''' You're my witness: the baby spoke. She said a word.\\
'''Kaffee:''' She made a sound.\\
'''Weinberg:''' Come on! It was definitely a word. You heard her. She pointed and said "Pa".\\
'''Kaffee:''' She was pointing at a mailbox.\\
'''Weinberg:''' Yes. As if to say, "Pa! Look, a mailbox".